Who is being unreasonable about DPs holidays?

[HollidayArmadillo]

DP had a "lads holiday" this year, he's also going away on a stag do abroad early next year and had a weekend away for a festival in the summer
I was never happy about all of this but no matter what I say he basically does what he wants and I can't physically manhandle him and stop him

Yesterday I asked him to book some days off for half terms coming up and he says he's got no holidays left at work because he's used them all on his various jollys
He's used every single one of his holidays on himself bar 1 where he had our baby whilst I took our toddler to a hospital appointment

I have basically lost my shit because now not only am I solo with all 4 kids for all of the times he's gone away but also now for every half term before and after because he's used them all on himself

His argument is that parenting is my job (I'm a SAHM) and just because we've got kids doesn't mean we have to give up our lives (only me apparently!)

I've said he cancels the stag do that I didn't want him to go on in the first place or he'll be making a very strong statement about how much he values me and his kids
He's said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone that thinks they can control him and tell him what to do

I'm so frustrated it's like talking to a brick fucking wall

Selfish prick! Sounds like you’re a single mother anyway, I’d be making it official. He can then parent his dc eow and half the school holidays

if I ever say anything like that I get a list of all the things he does to 'help me' ... he leaves out the part where I have to ask him to do those things of course
And during this argument he apparently reckons he'd go for 50:50 with the kids - he's never ever had all of them on his own not even for an hour so quite how he thinks that would work I don't know

I think you’re incompatible. He doesn’t want a family life. Time for a proper conversation about whether it would be best to separate.

It would 100% be best to separate

But then I'm left with the shit of bringing up four kids by myself with no money and he gets to swan off and do whatever the fuck he wants because he just couldn't be arsed to be a fucking grown up

I'm just so angry at the whole situation

Does anyone think I am being controlling about the holiday situation and expecting him to use his work holidays for the kids?

No you're not being controlling. You're doing everything by yourself anyway so will it really be that big a change when you're not having to "parent" him on top of your DC?

As a side note you mention you're a SAHP and I presume you're not married as you refer to DP not DH. Are you financially protected?

Maybe not ALL of his work hols - I think 5 days for himself is reasonable, with the quid pro quo that you get the same time away with him looking after them. You are not being controlling to insist the other time is reserved for family. I say this as a father of two (and several step DC).

IMO you should leave him with all four kids for a weekend, preferably a long one, and do it soon. Let him sink or swim and see if it’s still your “job” afterwards.

And talking of jobs, I’d advise you start looking at what it’ll take to get back into the workforce, even part time, or you’ll find it very difficult if you suddenly need money coming in (ie you leave him). Then childcare isn’t only your job (it isn’t anyway) and with four kids you’ll probably enjoy the adult only space.

He’s a selfish manchild and a crap father.

I couldn’t be with someone like that. You deserve more. It will be hard but better having to look after 4 kids than 5.

And during this argument he apparently reckons he'd go for 50:50 with the kids
I'd be telling him that that is a great plan.
It means you can get a part-time job and you can have some 'me' time to pursue hobbies that you enjoy.
He can understand what a fucking nightmare it is looking after 4 kids alone.
What's not to like!?
But in all seriousness. If you want the kids the majority of the time, I'd call his bluff on the 50:50 thing.
Tell him his trial is this weekend and you go off and do something just for you, for the whole weekend. See how much he wants 50:50 after that!?
He'll soon back pedal.

But definitely look at what separation would be like.
CAB etc.....
You may be far better off.

You are not being controlling, he is being a prick. I would leave, it sounds like you're bringing up the kids alone anyway. See how many holidays he can take when he's paying child support for 4 kids

I would wait for when he has a weekend at home, and go away for the weekend, even if you're just staying at a friend's. Leave him to it with the kids, by himself.

Bet after an hour he'll be begging you back. But don't, he's on his own and can struggle.

If being a SAHM is your job then by his logic you are entitled to four weeks holiday plus bank holidays, a minimum time between shifts and 48 hour rest periods once a week. Or it it just him that’s entitled to some time off?

He is clearly telling you what he thinks.

Parenting is your job?

Im sorry OP but your dynamic is completely off in this relationship and its not your fault. He is entirely unreasonable

What would I do. tell him he knows where the door is and he can start doing parenting when he has the kids

You are NOT being unreasonable, he is being a massive, selfish prick.

I think that the odd holiday without family is fine such as the stag do. Presumably the festival was a long weekend and you should then get a weekend away without kids. Not sure why he needs a lads holiday as this would replace a family holiday. Regards to school holidays, my DH never takes time off during these as he saves the days for longer holidays but this really is what fits us. Make him have all 4 children at the weekend all day while you have some time. Do this a few times and then discuss it again.

What a selfish a$$! Go book a trip for yourself even if it’s just a long weekend, give him little to no notice and walk out the door - see how he handles all the work you do for a few days. Might make him change his tune

By normal convention you are not being controlling or even trying to be controlling. First up, he is not doing anything you ask so there is no control. Second up, what you are asking is not just reasonable but healthy and normal.

The problem is he thinks this is control and that he is not responsible for parenting. Just to be clear he doesn’t parent, even if he play with them on the odd occasion. Can’t for the life of me see what you get out of this and why you bother to engage with this poor excuse for a father.

If you can afford it, leave him. If you can’t then get a way to be able to afford it. Go back to work if you can. The response to the demand that he wants 50:50 is to say, great because i will be getting a job Monday to Thursday and you can have them then.

YANBU OP, he sounds incredibly selfish. I'm not going to follow the usual LTB trope that MN loves, but I would echo what a PP said about leaving him with the kids, for a long weekend, and very little notice! See how he manages then! Obviously if he still doesn't manage, LTB.

I wouldn't be happy about that 'job' comment. I feel for you OP think OH is not being very nice not fair, 4 kids a whole lot of responsibility, noise, mess & washing! Ask him when your allowed a spontaneous holiday? Or a weekend off? His next weekend off I'd book yourself into a spar hotel for 1 or 2 nights!

You're not controlling, he's acting like a single man with no responsibilities.

Do you all have family holidays together as well?

I was ready to tell you YABU.....because the first bit sounded like you might be young, without kids etc.

You have 4 kids and live together. No you aren't being controlling. It's not like you said he couldn't have any holiday to himself. Just not all!

If being a mum is your job then where are your 20 +8 BH days holidays and statutory breaks, etc!? He gets to work 8-10 (assuming) hour days 5 days a week and you have to work 365 days around the clock!?

My friends hubby did this to her! Told her it was her full time job and to get on with it. So she created a contract for herself entitling her to 25 days holiday a years and various other things. That soon shut him up.

She booked herself a weeks holiday somewhere lovely and historical. He was begging her to come back after two days And left him with the kids to sort out childcare and pick ups and drop offs.
Also she didn’t work nights and she couldnt help him with his hobby stuff as she was a full time mummy and she couldn’t possibly not be on duty😂.
I think he realised how little she asked and how much she did. His attitude soon changed I think she stil has the contract haha

NightAndShiningArmour we haven't this year because baby is only a few months old and we've had the kitchen extended but we usually get away every year or every second year, sometimes just a weekend in this country though

I hear what you're all saying about leaving him for a weekend to do what I do
But realistically would he do what I do?
I know for a fact he wouldn't clean, wouldn't do any washing, wouldn't help DC with homework or read with them (he doesn't 'do' reading...or singing with the younger two) he wouldn't play with them (he supervises, doesn't play) he'd feed them fishfingers or other such crap the whole time and I doubt he would even get them all dressed let alone take them anywhere
They'd all just sit around on screens all weekend and I'd spend the whole time feeling guilty thinking of them having a shit weekend, then I'd have double the workload when I get home

^This is the only thing stopping me kicking him out, I wouldn't want him to have them on his own, he's no idea how, he doesn't even do bedtimes or night wakings because they will only settle for me, the baby has just started weaning and he won't even feed her solids (it's too hard!)

Money wise I could cope, I'd have to go on full benefits but I could cope
But he's an incapable parent, I just couldn't send my kids to him without me there

I feel held hostage my his incompetence