Who is being unreasonable about DPs holidays?

[HollidayArmadillo]

DP had a "lads holiday" this year, he's also going away on a stag do abroad early next year and had a weekend away for a festival in the summer
I was never happy about all of this but no matter what I say he basically does what he wants and I can't physically manhandle him and stop him

Yesterday I asked him to book some days off for half terms coming up and he says he's got no holidays left at work because he's used them all on his various jollys
He's used every single one of his holidays on himself bar 1 where he had our baby whilst I took our toddler to a hospital appointment

I have basically lost my shit because now not only am I solo with all 4 kids for all of the times he's gone away but also now for every half term before and after because he's used them all on himself

His argument is that parenting is my job (I'm a SAHM) and just because we've got kids doesn't mean we have to give up our lives (only me apparently!)

I've said he cancels the stag do that I didn't want him to go on in the first place or he'll be making a very strong statement about how much he values me and his kids
He's said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone that thinks they can control him and tell him what to do

I'm so frustrated it's like talking to a brick fucking wall

He won't be able to swan off and do what he wants, hell have to give you money for the kids, and he will have to give up his holidays and drinking sessions on the weekend if he wants to see them. And if he chooses his buddies and stag holidays over his kids they'll soon realise he's not worth the time, and once all his mates have settled down with kids and stopped going on lads holidays hell be on his own bored thinking about how he messed up his priorities. You sound like your having a hard time but doing a good job by your kids. You sound like a brilliant mum to me op.

Do you want to leave him, OP? What is he adding to your life?

My ex is exactly like brains no homework, they eat shit, a lot of the times he takes them to his sisters or his mums and they end up looking after them. If but he never does anything with them, duvet days normally as my eldest calls them. They need a good scrub and an early night but they love him. He only has them eow, so it’s 52 nights a year, no one has died yet, and I’m sooooo much better off without him, as are the dc. Oh and he also said he wanted them 50:50, but soon back tracked when I said it was a great idea. He’s also said he wants them during the week, for school holidays etc and i always say ‘no problem’ it never happens

Haha! Blue dog has it right. My ex spends a lot of the time he has the kids with his parents! And it doesn't matter to me as long as they're fed and warm. I am thoroughly looking forward to my half a week free this weekend to so exactly as I please. And when the kids come back I'll bath them, ply them with veg and give them an early night!

To my reading this man has cast himself or is being cast in the role of boyfriend. If I distilled down all the information about him, I would have concluded he is a new boyfriend unused to children. At best he sounds like a new father.

There is simply no description of a father relationship, even a bad one. No bond and no attachment?

I can't see how in a family of six with 4 children under the age of 6, he could ignore them all of the time. Or be able to stick 4 children under the age of six in front of screens for the day. Over the course of six years, to have developed no parenting skills at all, or even had the chance to? Not even when you were pregnant or in hospital?

If he has no interest in being a parent, then throw him out. He is neglecting his children and causing them harm. If on the other hand you are stopping him from being a parent, even a not very good one, why are you doing that?

You seem more bothered in protecting your love for him and the time with him than protecting your children from a man who ignores them.
The holidays are hardly an issue in the grand scheme of what is wrong here.

I would also say 6+ years without a bank account and an alleged bad credit rating sounds like bollocks. He has tossed the financial management ball to you as well.

Your relationship sounds like my mum and dad's where dad did nothing around the house/kids and went to the pub most nights on his own and mum managed everything (4 kids) plus a full time job. However, she regularly moaned about the situation to anyone that would listen but she never did anything about it, always making excuses as to why X wouldn't work and desperately hoping he'd change. (!!)
When dad died in his early sixties, she was suddenly free and rather than stuck in grief, only then realised how much of her own precious life she'd wasted putting up with his selfishness. As the youngest, she constantly stressed to never get married unless I was 1000% sure he was a good 'un.
Thankfully, mum managed about 12 years of a happier life, going out with friends and having a few nice holidays but she died far too soon and never even got to meet her youngest grandson.
OP, stop making excuses and think about how short life is and the fact that you're wasting your young (healthy) years on this prick.

Wow Kool that was quite a sobering read

I want to thankyou all for your thoughts, most have been very helpful

To the few who seem angry with me for not making snap decisions and doing something just because they say so (!??) I'm very sorry that I haven't ended my relationship, got a job, moved house and lived happily ever after within 24 hours of my original post 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nobody has told you that you need to move out. People are asking you to consider the impact on your children and your responses are that you love and he is great when it is just you and him. Otherwise you are defensively angry.

He's not going to change based on what you have said. He has decided what he is willing and not willing to do and he has got away with it. He is happy with the situation, except maybe in the extent to which you challenge him. He has told you he will walk away if you challenge him.

Whatever you do OP, please, for god sakes don’t have any more kids with this loser!!

OP - no one is angry with you. BUT - you should be angry with him.

He is NOT going to suddenly wake up and think 'oh yes I ought to parent, take on the mental load, take responsibility for MY kids and the financial situation and help out my poor, struggling wife a bit'!

You can see that can't you - he has it cushy now, really nice and easy because you are doing everything and he doesn't have to do anyhting except wipe his own arse and go on holiday.

He's basically a single man being looked after by mum. No responsibilities, no worries, no shit, no hassle - you do all that and he likes it that way. Why would he change? Because you want him to? What's in it for him? Why the fuck should he do anything whilst he has you to do it?

The real question is - how can you love someone like that? - Who treats you (willingly, knowingly, happily) as his mum? How can you sleep with a man who feels more like your own son?

He brings nothing ADULT to the table (except more ignorable babies,
maybe ) so why bother with him? You've got enough babies.

cider I am angry believe me I am
I'm angry with myself for letting it go this far and getting seemingly to the point of no return
And I am so angry with him I've barely looked at him all week

I'm not being defensive Lemon I haven't once defended him - there is no defence, he's a shithead I can see that
But people seem to be expecting me to jump because they've spoken, I haven't actually said what I'm going to do but people seem to have decided what I'm not going to do and are commenting angrily, it's very strange

cawfee don't worry I'll be having no more babies
I was sterilised after the last one after waiting months for him to get the snip and him not bothering 🙄

If people are angry it is at the idea that 4 children are being rejected by their father, on a constant basis and that they are growing up thinking this is a normal way to behave.

I don't think that is strange, its natural. They are blaming the father if anybody, but yes there is concern about how long you have enabled him to get away with it. I don't think you have but you seem to be a distorted belief in the relationship.

To be honest,as far as I see, you don't have a partner and your children don't have a father. By your own description he is only involved with you occasionally and shows no commitment to family life. He is more like a boyfriend/ baby daddy. If asked for commitment he rejects it and threatens to leave.

I'm sorry this sounds harsh and it is. But it is how you described the relationship. if he was showing any signs of growing up and being a better father, it might be something. But by the sound of it he is getting worse. That is because you are rightly challenging him. If you back off, he will get worse. If you act now, he will either go (for the best IMO) or start to shape up.

He is the one who has done the ultimatum. He has escalated things and he is forcing you to respond to now. Not us.

I would go nuclear on him. Even if the end result you want isn’t a break up I wouldn’t tell him that.

Tonight he either cancels his holiday and changes it to spend time with the kids over half term or he quite frankly gets the fuck out. Because he’s about as much use as a chocolate teapot. He refuses to leave? Fine. He’d get back from work the next day to find the locks changed and his bag on the doorstep. And as the bank account is in your name I’d cancel his card as well. Out of pure spite.

He needs to feel as uncomfortable as he makes you feel. And you need to hit him where it hurts. If he wants to live in the marital home with you- then he needs to beg to get back in.

Kicking him out may not end in a break up. He’s threatening to leave because he knows you don’t want him too. That’s his power move.

You need to make some plans to make your life better.
This might take some time but you need to do something.
However the decision is all yours.