Who is being unreasonable about DPs holidays?

[HollidayArmadillo]

DP had a "lads holiday" this year, he's also going away on a stag do abroad early next year and had a weekend away for a festival in the summer
I was never happy about all of this but no matter what I say he basically does what he wants and I can't physically manhandle him and stop him

Yesterday I asked him to book some days off for half terms coming up and he says he's got no holidays left at work because he's used them all on his various jollys
He's used every single one of his holidays on himself bar 1 where he had our baby whilst I took our toddler to a hospital appointment

I have basically lost my shit because now not only am I solo with all 4 kids for all of the times he's gone away but also now for every half term before and after because he's used them all on himself

His argument is that parenting is my job (I'm a SAHM) and just because we've got kids doesn't mean we have to give up our lives (only me apparently!)

I've said he cancels the stag do that I didn't want him to go on in the first place or he'll be making a very strong statement about how much he values me and his kids
He's said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone that thinks they can control him and tell him what to do

I'm so frustrated it's like talking to a brick fucking wall

Agree you get the shit of bringing up 4 kids, plus looking after his needs and he still gets to do what he wants.

Stop doing anything for him - do it for you and the kids but not for him - at the moment you get into a battle over the kids. I bet you clean his clothes, feed him, have sex with him. Meet all his needs - stop

He is one of the worst parents I have read about

Really Arnold ? Yh if u don't put your all in and do what u like when it suits u and don't support you're partner then yh you are what you claim to be

Agree totally with this:
Stop doing anything for him - do it for you and the kids but not for him - at the moment you get into a battle over the kids. I bet you clean his clothes, feed him, have sex with him. Meet all his needs - stop

I'm also wondering why you've had 4 kids with him - I get the bit about wanting love, but 4 is a lot to handle. How long has he been like this?

Just give him dates and times of when he needs to be a parent as being a SAHM is your full time job and you need four weeks paid holiday a year. Don't be a bloody doormat, he's having his cake and eating it. As for the going off for a weekend, do it. The kids will have the type of weekend their father is capable of, just because it's not what you want doesn't make it bad for them and it won't do any of you any harm and he might start to appreciate you.

Yep, I WAS going to jump on the bandwagon with stopping doing things for him, literally not a thing.

HOWEVER, he sounds like a very petty man, and I assume holds the money as you're with the children, therefore could withhold money from you?

God, what a prick. I'm angry for you!

DDogMum his credit is so bad he can't even open a bank account (or couldn't when he last tried anyway) so actually all of the money and both bank accounts are in my name

You are totally right about him being very petty and I've no doubt he'd try to make my life difficult in some other way though

Jesus Christ OP do yourself a favor and kick this worthless cunt out.

He brings less than fuck all to yours and your children's lives. These Are HiS kids that HE has fathered and he can't even be fucked to love them enough to try and do the right thing by them, to love them, and nurture them, and play with them, and take pride in watching them grow.

Don't even bother leaving him for a week, just kick him out. Money and home are in your name, it's a no brainer.

Your children will thank you beyond belief when they grow up and realize what a strong woman you are.

They will admire you, and be proud that you fought so hard for them, that you refused to accept anything less than the best for them.

And you, when the cloth falls from your eyes, will look in the mirror and see a woman who no longer gets belittled and ridiculed and disrespected, or under appreciated and skint and beholden to a man. You will see a mother-fucking warrior.

Go and be that warrior, you have got NOTHING to lose. Seriously. The scrap of the "fun times" you have with him the 0.001% of the time he's not a worthless prick??

You can get 100% of your life back, your self-respect back, your strength, your power, your confidence back - all of it in return for this person who isn't really a man.

No. Brainer.

That's very good though. At least he can't financially control you.
What does he actually bring to your life? You said he was 'great' when it's just you two. But a) what does that mean in practice? And b) given your set up and the 4 kids, how often is it just the two of you?

Strokethefurrywall thankyou so much for that post
I've honestly read it about 20 times, I really want to be that woman

ButteryMuffin the kids go to grandparents overnight once a month - so yeah, once a month he's lovely to me, and by lovely I mean engaged and present, attentive, chatty, thoughtful, funny, like the guy he was when we met, the guy he is to everybody else and all of his friends ... once a month, for about 12 hours

Keep reading it OP, over and over again until it starts to sink in that you ARE BETTER THAN THIS. You DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS - you are that woman already! She's inside you, albeit smothered by the layers of suffocating nothingness that he loads on you.

Listen to her voice, she will get louder and louder if you let her...

What will happen is that you will find some strength to kick him out. And then he will panic and plead with you that he will change, and maybe he will. For a few months perhaps, but then he will go back to this again and the cycle will repeat, only your children are getting older and watching this cyclical behavior that is learned behavior. Children mirror what they see.

If they see your strength and determination they will mirror it. Your children, dare I say it, are better off with no father at all than one who pays them no attention and doesn't show love or affection. Besides, you're all the father that they need. You're already doing it, providing 100% of the love, discipline, stability, affection and nurturing.

So break yourself free from the chains. Once you see that light there will be no going back because you will understand that he has no power over you. You have the ultimate power to make yours and your kids life amazing, just by kicking him to the kerb.

Keep focusing on that freedom. Your heart will be light 

The kids won't come to any harm if he didn't parent them properly for one weekend. They'd be safe and fed, and he'd get the shock of his life what it's like managing four kids. By not even giving them to him for one weekend you are facilitating his twattish behaviour.

OP
is 12 hours worth the destruction of 4 childhoods. Do you think it is worth them growing up thinking this man is a role model, this is normal. Whether you like it or not children take examples from the parents, good and bad.

A child can deal with the loss of a parent but the rejection of a parent and every day he rejects these children.
Why do you allow it, there is nothing stopping you throwing him out.

the kids go to grandparents overnight once a month - so yeah, once a month he's lovely to me, and by lovely I mean engaged and present, attentive, chatty, thoughtful, funny, like the guy he was when we met, the guy he is to everybody else and all of his friends ... once a month, for about 12 hours

Probably to get his leg over 🙄 OP do yourself a favour, stop minimising his awful behaviour and LTB. You're worth much more than 12 hours a month. As for the bank accounts I'd be changing mine and not giving him the details.

On hindsight if the bank accounts are in your name and his money is going into an account in your name how is he paying for holidays? Does he have your card number etc?

“He's said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone that thinks they can control him and tell him what to do “

And yet he controls you by his actions in leaving you no leeway or freedom. He is a hypocritical male chauvinist pig.

Has he been like this since your first child was born?

When he is kicked out, with maintenance to pay, and gets access (aka responsibility) for every other weekend and half the school holidays he will maybe get a clue as to where he went wrong.

Please also take into account that they are all looking a him and thinking this is how a partner acts.

This will have repercussions for how your boys think a man acts to his partner and how your girls think a male partner acts towards them.

You get fuck all love and support from him and neither do your children, so do all of you a favour and kick the dick out.
Youll be a lot happier. Hes ruining your life

OP - like some other posters - I do also wonder why you’d have 4 children with a man like this. He didn’t become this person over night.
I do also wonder why anyone would put themselves in a financially vulnerable position of having these many children, and not working - while not being married, and being stuck in a dependent position.

By the way you talk about your kids and him getting it all wrong if he were to have them over the weekend - you do sound like a person who wants it all just so and not willing to let the other parent have it any other way.
So - I am guessing - a lot of his lack of involvement with the childcare - is due to him knowing that he’ll do it all wrong anyway. So no point in trying.

I don’t think you’ll be able to force him not to go on his holidays. I get a feeling that he uses it as an escape. You can push but it’ll not lead anywhere.

If you want this relationship to work - you need to start with yourself and involve him. And let him be a parent, even if different from you.

OP - you knowthat this 'man' is not bringing anything to the marriage. You know that he is just adding to your mental and physical load.

Once he is gone, you will feel a lot more on top of things - because he is not there adding to it.

Get rid. He is NOT a good'un.

You sound a lot like one of my DP’s colleagues. She’s married to a guy exactly like your partner - two fewer kids in the mix, but otherwise almost spot on.

As well as doing everything at home she works part time and has to rely on a sibling for extensive childcare. She looks perpetually worn down. She’s about half the weight she was at her wedding (and was slim then) and looks about 10 years older than she is.

She, like you, would be better off as a single parent. Hate to say that, but your “D”P is bringing nothing of value to your life is he? Crap with money, thinks you have no say in anything, doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t parent his kids, only attentive when he has the chance to get some action...

Remind us all again what you love about him?

MMmomDD I don't even know where to start with your post
It's my fault that he flat out refuses to do things? It's my fault that he walks out of the door when I ask him to do things he doesn't want to? It's my fault that's a child will be in front of him saying "daddy daddy daddy" and he ignores them? It's my fault that I beg and plead with him to do bedtimes/night feeds and he just rolls over and puts a pillow over his head?
And you're basically calling me a control freak because I want my children to be washed and dressed and fed fruits and vegetables and read bedtime stories too? Really?? This is very very basic parenting that he just opts out of because he doesn't want to - and that's my fault??

Tell you what, I don't like changing nappies, I'll just opt out of that from now on, would that be alright? Would that be his fault or would that be a short trip to a social services visit?!

I'm baffled

No it’s not your fault but you enable it. Honestly how can you love him

Has he always been like this, and not doing anything with the children? I know it is frowned upon to say this, but I am struggling to see why you had 4 children with him.

On the day the grandparents have the children for the day, I would go out and have time to myself. I certainly wouldn't be spending time with him.

Almost the entire thread of people is telling the OP what to do but she’s refusing to listen under the guise that ‘I can’t let him look after my dc because he’s incapable’ she will carry on with him, he will take, take and take some more and she will moan, moan and moan some more, and continue to enable him to treat her this way!

OP, do you want your dc to grow up knowing THIS is how a relationship works. Your dd’s will know they have to do everything for a man, cook, clean, finance and let him walk all over them. So you want your ds to think that it’s his right to treat your future dil like the hired help?

OP, I realise it's scary, my ex is like your partner. But you know what? He has the kids every other weekend and half the holidays.

Yes they eat crap, they don't do homework, he takes them to soft play cos it's easy but that's it. So what? It's not often and they have an excellent diet with me and get everything else they need too. And I am a million times better without him. My eldest is starting to realise already how useless his father is (he's 6). It's tough but so worth it!

For what it's worth mine swore he'd go 50/50 and I agreed up to court when he changed his mind! Too much like hard work!

^^ what Brains said. You seem to have two choices:
A. Accept things as they are and see how long you/your marriage lasts in this toxic environment.

B. You force him to have the children for a weekend or longer (accepting that they may not be as well cared after if it were you) to see if it changes his mind.

A will likely lead to a breakdown (marriage or mental!)

B might give (him) a chance to save things...