Who is being unreasonable about DPs holidays?

[HollidayArmadillo]

DP had a "lads holiday" this year, he's also going away on a stag do abroad early next year and had a weekend away for a festival in the summer
I was never happy about all of this but no matter what I say he basically does what he wants and I can't physically manhandle him and stop him

Yesterday I asked him to book some days off for half terms coming up and he says he's got no holidays left at work because he's used them all on his various jollys
He's used every single one of his holidays on himself bar 1 where he had our baby whilst I took our toddler to a hospital appointment

I have basically lost my shit because now not only am I solo with all 4 kids for all of the times he's gone away but also now for every half term before and after because he's used them all on himself

His argument is that parenting is my job (I'm a SAHM) and just because we've got kids doesn't mean we have to give up our lives (only me apparently!)

I've said he cancels the stag do that I didn't want him to go on in the first place or he'll be making a very strong statement about how much he values me and his kids
He's said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone that thinks they can control him and tell him what to do

I'm so frustrated it's like talking to a brick fucking wall

By*

This is the only thing stopping me kicking him out ... well that and the fact that I actually do love him
When it's just me and him things are great, but as soon as the kids appear he seems to morph into one too 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you should still leave him for the weekend with them and a list of everything you do through out the day with the expectation that all this is done by the time you get back as what you do is so easy then he'll have no problem fitting it all in will he?

I'd be tempted to steal all screen chargers as well so he can't stick them on screens for the whole weekend. Possibly make it a weekend when at least one of the older kids has a party to get to or play date so he has to sort that out as well making sure oldest kids know that they are meant to be going to xyz so they can nag him about it.

I also love the idea of a contract for your 'job' as a PP mentioned above.

@Heartbrokengirl14 that is fantastic!

YANBU! His approach is not normal. I’m 48, my husband is 56, both twice married. We have 3 wide circles of shared and separate friends collected over the decades.
We know very few couples/families who do absolutely everything together, the rest prioritise family/couple holidays but depending on pressure on finances/annual leave, one or other might go on a 3 day hen or stag do or at the max, a week away skiing.
This wouldn’t happen at the expense of family holidays. With most friends it won’t happen annually, just the odd 40th/50th/stag/hen extravaganza of a close friend or family.
He doesn’t see your role as work or contributing to the family. He thinks he deserves these treats because he supports you, whereas in fact you support each other, your wrap-around care of the children you both have and your domestic labour enables him to focus on his salaried job. The money he earns is family money.

It’s hurtful that he wouldn’t choose to prioritise spending holiday with his partner and children in that fleeting window that they are children.
I’d be really tempted to call his bluff on the 50/50, smug twat.
He really doesn’t come across well.
I hope you are married! Irrespective, he would have to pay child support were you to separate. I would be so resentful, he perceives your worth and status within your relationship to be lower than his.

You are held hostage by the idea that you love a man who is a poor partner and a failure as a father. Get over that and you will have a better life.

If he can’t look after the children then make that case and ensure he doesn’t get unsupervised contact. In reality he can’t be bothered to parent so he doesn’t try. That won’t change if you split, so he will probably not want anything more than a few afternoons if that.

Listing all your reasons for staying with him won’t change that he has no respect for you and he isn’t a parent. If your love means that much then stay with him but accept you have no control over him and he will continue to go on holidays. Because he doesn’t love you or the children.

I can’t imagine any father I know making the choices he is. They would all be disgusted with his behaviour and attitude to you and his children. You should not tolerate it just for love.

But hey, roll on the moments you have together when he is loving.

No he is letting you think he is incompetent but no one who can hold down a job and friends is. You are in love with the person you would like him to be Im afraid

Make him be a parent your children are owed that

If being an SAHM is your job...... how does he suggest you get time off for your ‘holidays’. I’d ask him in all seriousness.....family unit means just that..... everyone is considered in decision making..... using all leave for benefit of yourself is not family unit decision making.

YANBU what a dickhead and his attitude stinks. Sure we're all entitled to a break sometimes but he's just being selfish and really sexist too actually

OP your children are picking up on his attitude towards you and themselves-the attitude that you are not equals and worthless-do all your fears you listed about leaving them with him outweigh them growing up with a warped view on relationships and their self worth? TBH the second that son of a bitch said your job was ALL the childcare all his belongings would’ve been thrown on the lawn and the damn locks changed. Seriously, he’s a horse’s ass!

PPs are right, he’s choosing incompetence. He holds down a job, I assume he doesn’t have a personal valet, so washes and dresses himself.
He could keep the house clean and cook meals if he put the effort in, he just doesn’t want to. He might be slow at first but he’d get quicker.
Strategic incompetence really infuriates me, it’s so selective and culturally entrenched. Cleaning and cooking involve basic observational and motor skills and an ability to follow instructions. Men like your husband are unabashed about being unable to master these things because they are traditionally woman’s work = low value and status, however you rarely hear such men boast about how they are shit drivers or totally disorganised at work. It’s utter nonsense.

OP - you are martyring yourself. He 'can't' do parenting? Betcha he can if he's faced with the actuality of it! He'd feed them fishfingers? So what? They won't die of malnutrition. You 'can't' go away because you'd have twice the work when you come back? It's not 'twice' the work - you'd be doing it if you weren't away - he won't do it then either. It's the same washing and cleaning, jsut mounting up over a week rather than a day.

Get away for a week. It's then his problem. Don't feel guilty - think of it as a learning experience for him. The kids don't need reading to, or singing to, every day. They might even nag him into doing it!

He doesn't appreciate you, and he doesnt know how much you do. Educate him!

And ignopre the threat of 'I'll go for 50/50'. He won't. As soon as he is educated on how much would be required from him, he will soon run a mile. It's a vile and bullying threat, designed to keep you in line so you STFU and do as you are told. And keep his bed niiiiiiiiiiice and comfortable for him.

Why do you 'love' him?

He's not going to change is he?

You are so right! 👍👍👍

I just don’t understand why you would go and have 4 kids with this man child?

Jive

Why some people have children in this situation is really easy to understand.

Normally it’s the presence of love that drives the desire to have children. Here it is the absence of love. Children provide the unconditional love.

Add in never experiencing good parenting as an example growing up and a cycle is created. The real tragedy here isn’t a few missed holidays it is never seeing normal parenting.

I don't mean to criticise but how the hell have you had 4 children with this man?

Is this one of those threads when you complain legitimately about the awfulness of your partner but refuse to change anything in your life to help you deal with it? I agree with the suggestions that you need to get a job although I can see that this is not practical with a baby and 4 children. Splitting with him does sound like the way forward.

you might actually find youre better off financially claiming tax credits and getting maintenance for a few years and sorting out a proper rota of him having the kids so you get a break

You cant carry on like you are. Its a pisstake. What you put up with, you end up with

By your definition of shit parenting me and 95% of the population are shit parents. Accept that you parent differently and go away for the weekend to have a break.

None of the men I know well would dream of such selfish, heartless behaviour. It's totally unreasonable, HollidayArmadillo.

I can't understand why you still love him. My love would have been ground away over the years by this level of entitlement and meanness.

I concur with PP that you should go away for a weekend and leave him to it. Leave him a list if you want, but go. Unless you do he will never appreciate what you do for him and his children.

Making excuses for not doing anything - that he'll feed them fish fingers - just evades the issue. If you're not prepared to take action to defend yourself or give him a realistic view of your life, then why ask our advice?

Of course I'm not saying it's only about him feeding them fishfingers - I've got 4 under 6 they eat fishfingers and chicken goujons on a very regular basis believe me

The point is people are saying 'go away and let him see what you do' and I'm saying but he wouldn't see what I do because he wouldn't do it, he would see it as a weekend off, the kids wouldn't be well looked after, I'd be worrying and when I got back I'd still have to do everything that should've been done while I was gone and I'd be even more pissed off and he'd tell me it's easy and he doesn't know what I moan about
So it'd be pointless
If he was truly going to step into my role then it'd be worthwhile but he just wouldn't

I do understand that people think 'he doesn't do it because he doesn't have to and he would if I refused' but I've tried this a few times - we had a stand off about packed lunches just before the summer holidays and it ended in the kids going to school with no lunch and me getting a phone call at lunchtime
He's just walked out of the house when I've asked him to do things he doesn't want to
He genuinely won't do it

I agree with the selective incompetence though, he just doesn't want to

I really don't know where to go from here tbh

Arnold so you never ever read to your kids? Or dress them or take them out for the day? Or talk to them or play with them? Do homework with them? Feed them fruits or vegetables?
If the answer is yes to any of those then it's a non comparable situation because if left to his own devices he would do none of that

But then I'm left with the shit of bringing up four kids by myself with no money and he gets to swan off and do whatever the fuck he wants because he just couldn't be arsed to be a fucking grown up

Your already left with the shit if bringing up 4 kids whilst he isn’t being a grown up....

I’m afraid you are being a martyr OP. You need to leave him to it with the dc on a regular basis

Contract sounds like a fab idea- then the arse can see what you really do. I would still make long term plans to be alone though, because he sounds really selfish

He's a cunt. Leave him. Honestly, you and your children would be better off