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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

25yr age gap

118 replies

ru345 · 13/10/2018 18:46

Hi guys I need advise, I have been on OLD for a while and just messed around by men my own age 40 somethings. Well I met this guy who is a retired sportsman so fit and he did lie initially saying he was 12yrs younger than what he pretended but looks orginal age he pretended. He is actually 27 yrs older than me.

He is the first guy to treat me lovely and respectful not after a quick fling etc however he is settled in his ways. Should I continue continue this? Anyone with any experience or advice.

OP posts:
ru345 · 13/10/2018 21:36

He keeps saying he has been searching for a woman like me for 12 yrs since his divorce...slim dresses princess and smells nice that seems to be his only criteria he has even mentioned paying for cosmetic surgery for me to look younger!

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/10/2018 21:37

"Fay knew about men who wouldn’t grow up, and she wished she could tell Lizzie [her daughter], warn her. But she knew Lizzie wouldn’t listen any more than she had listened.

A man like this is so wildly attractive, so maddeningly alive, that he is absolutely irresistible. In the Tarot deck, he is the Fool …

In the picture on the card, the Fool, like a hobo, carries a sack tied to a stick. They leave you, these men, but they never said they were staying, never said they were committed, or purposeful—or responsible, even. All they want is to have a good time. And what’s wrong with that? Nothing, except you begin to wonder how interested you are in just having a good time. …

The joy of being with these men is the giddy return, through them, to a child’s world, where there are no clocks and no claims on your time, no clothes to be kept clean, and no consequences to be considered. Days and nights are filled with the silliness, the spontaneity, the conspiratorial privacy, and all the breathless secret pleasures of life in a tree house. …

They don’t always come home, and they won’t even apologise for it. They won’t help around the house because they like it all messed up. They won’t work very hard because they don’t want to get trapped by success. And they won’t work at the relationship because it’s not supposed to be work, it’s supposed to be fun. If you don’t want to play with them, they don’t mind. But that isn’t going to stop them from playing.

Somehow, they make you feel very old, these men. They turn you into their mother."

~ Marsha Norman

ru345 · 13/10/2018 21:46

Thank you Afistful can I ask what happened in your experience? I guess he left ?

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/10/2018 21:49

I left both relationships. I realised what was going on, and cut ties. I can be quite brutal that way - though sometimes I stay for too long up to that point.

Careylisa · 13/10/2018 21:55

Don’t be daft lady, this old fella is just looking for a free, dolled up nursemaid to help him through his older, incapacitated dribble years! Run, run, run! He sounds like an absolute pig!

ru345 · 13/10/2018 21:55

It’s the only way Afistfull and I will follow suit! Cut ties now

What was odd that despite knowing I had a child with ASD he kept saying he only comes first in life and I will love him and give him all my attention as he doesn’t come second even to a child! Now I thought that was odd!

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/10/2018 21:59

Egads, ru345! Of course he'll say that: he is a child. And he wants to be your child.

The blessing in all of this is that you have insight, and he doesn't.

SputnikBear · 13/10/2018 22:02

He’s nearly 70. It’s like me dating my dad. How long would it realistically last anyway? My grandparents died at 73!

ru345 · 13/10/2018 22:06

He keeps saying his parents lived into their mid 90s.
I just looked up love bombing he was telling me he loved me after first date!
Is it normal to by ex wife birthday and Xmas cards divorced 12 yrs and she had no contact with him

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/10/2018 22:11

Question it no more, ru. Really - just stop. And end it.

Feckers2018 · 13/10/2018 22:12

He sounds bloody awful. Bin.

KeiTeNgeNge · 13/10/2018 22:13

Just dump him and keep on OD. I can’t see why you keep engaging. Not sure why it has taken you so long to recognise the multitude of red flags either tbh. This man is a proven liar, a probably arsehole (denying his wife a divorce until kids 18) and sleazy (short skirts, paying for you to have cosmetic surgery). I am amazed all this came up and the thing you were most concerned about was the age gap! I’d run, not walk, away.

ILovePierceBrosnan · 13/10/2018 22:22

I came across men like this when I did OLD. They liked nice restaurants, theatre, country walks and cosy pubs; fInancially solvent and wanted nice holidays; well educated and good careers. We seemed well matched and it was a relief after a run of others I had nothing in common with.

With one I was flattered, relieved and decided to overlook the other little things (14 yrs older than me, love bombing, old fashioned in some attitudes) and dated him...after three dates I ran a mile and had an epiphany of delayed disgust.

A good friend of mine married the older man she dated. He was a controlling husband (obsessed with her weight and needed her available as and when he chose) but actually it worked for them as she interpreted the control as security and felt wanted. He also made her life very very comfortable. In her 50s he was senile and then died in her late 50s. She’s struggling to start again at that age (financially) and very very lonely. He left nearly everything in the will to his children. It felt very much like he regarded her as an acquisition for use during his older years but had no real love for her because he didn’t seem to give much thought to her life once he’d gone.

sourpatchkid · 13/10/2018 22:30

You Really need to work on what you'll accept in a relationship. He sounds absolutely awful and you haven't even really noticed

ru345 · 13/10/2018 22:35

ILoveP that sounds exactly like him and that is so sad what happened to your friend!
I have told him I have a migraine this eve to give me space as otherwise he spends half night on phone to me every night. Was glad if space to chat hear and realise what was happening was wrong age gap was a red herring really! Dreading telling him might just go no contact.

OP posts:
ru345 · 13/10/2018 22:37

He does get annoyed if I don’t what’s app him back straight away ILove so if not their for him and demanded I left OLD after first date but he didn’t as his excuse was never goes on their and never gets replies! But I replied to him!

OP posts:
Godimsounimaginative · 13/10/2018 22:39

The lying would be my issue but you can understand why and it's not a hurtful lie, he was probably embarrassed.

My DP is 20odd years older, we're great together, don't rule it out becuase of the age gap.

ru345 · 13/10/2018 22:39

Sour I knew it wasn’t right hence came here for clarification just it came out as age gap but it was the lying about age and then everything else as yes I then start to realise as I unfold it all it’s bit great!

OP posts:
Godimsounimaginative · 13/10/2018 22:40

Just read the full thread.
He sounds like an arse tbh, nothing to do with the age, just who he is, he was probably still an arse 20 years ago 😂

ru345 · 13/10/2018 22:43

God the age gap is so not an issue really as thought he was 10yrs older but 25 yrs is a lot more to lie about!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 13/10/2018 22:44

It's only rich old men who can attract a woman that much younger. Think Rod Stewart, Ronnie Wood, Mick Jagger. But as for this one - no chance! Doesn't want you to put weight on, wants you to wear short skirts, lies? Yuk.

kayakingmum · 13/10/2018 22:46

A few things- he clearly lied initially so you would consider him. He probably knew if he told you up front about his age you would dismiss him immediately.

There's19 years between me and my partner and we're really happy. I think there's 25 years between Catherine zeta Jones and Michael Douglas and they are also happy.

Only you know if you want to see him again and have a relationship with him. Don't dump him because of what might happen in the future. Anyone can become ill/die at any age.

kayakingmum · 13/10/2018 22:48

Singlenotsingle - what you said is absolute crap.

Windgate · 13/10/2018 22:55

You are 45, he's 27 years older so he is 72. He's also lied to you on several occasions. Raise your standards.

KataraJean · 13/10/2018 22:58

It all sounds very controlling

Telling you what to wear (dressed up as buying you gifts)
Telling you not to put on weight
Offering to pay for you to have cosmetic surgery (I am sure you are just fine as you are and anyway, it should be your decision)
Telling you he will come before your DC
Taking up your evening on the phone
Not letting his wife divorce him and then staying in her life by still sending cards
Not telling you the truth about his age
Telling you he loves you way too early because it is all about him, so who cares what you feel

And there is no doubt more.

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