How do I manage my mother?

[TheMD]

Hi, everyone- I'm at my wits end trying to manage my relationship with my mother and would love some advice, please. This will be long, I'm sorry.

Relevant history: We've never had a great relationship as she was physically and mentally abusive to me and allowed my stepfather to be the same way. I developed depression as a child, which she ignored.

Over the years, we have fallen into an uneasy rhythm of seeing each other a few times a year. We have absolutely nothing in common on a human level and our meetings are strained and I resent her.

I have a younger brother (I'm 30, he's 25) He's my stepfather's son, a favourite who was given/allowed to do everything I wasn't. He lives in our mother's 2nd property rent-free. When I ask why, she says it's because she owns it outright and isn't paying anything herself. She buys his clothes, including underwear and coddles him to no end. He has an ok paid full time job.

Given all this, I am her go-to for anything technical, financial, legal or holiday planning. I am expected to "sort things out" for her and it's making me SO resentful, knowing that she expects things from me without giving anything in return but doesn't apply this to my brother. I know this isn't a healthy dynamic anyway, and family shouldn't keep tabs on who gets what but given our history, I cannot help but be resentful. It's eating me alive.

When I try to address this, she changes the subject. Won't engage at all.

HOW do I manage this? The only reason I ever spend time with her is because I feel guilty. Given the choice, I'd probably see her once every few years, if that.

How do I a) get her used to not asking me for life admin stuff and b) get over this resentment of the starkly different way she treats me and my brother?

Thank you, all ideas gratefully received.

Forgot to add - the reason it's all come to a head today is that she's asked me to sort out something banking-related for her and also kept talking about buying something for my brother. I got very anxious as a result and am considering a relapse into my eating disorder.

Sympathies op, she sounds entitled and unpleasant. Of course anyone who could treat their child like that would have no problem putting on them when they were an adult. The situation you describe is not one you should get used to because it's not normal, fair or reasonable. Honestly I think you need to have some counselling to help with the guilt and cut contact with her.

I'd go with cutting contact and counselling too.

Have you tried just telling her you won’t do something she’s asked you to? What happens if you refuse?

I'd say "no i havent got time, ask brother". Each and EVERY time.

And if you only want to see her every few years, if that, then that's OK.

Thank you for the replies - I appreciate them. I went to counselling for a few months some years ago but can't afford it any longer, unfortunately. I know I'd benefit from it but it's just not an option at this time.

Saying no is difficult for me as a rule but the thing is, she moans and "come ooooon, pleease"s me until I give in. I do it out of guilt because I know there's nobody else do it for her. She is divorced and my brother doesn't have the... capacity, I guess. He hasn't really matured emotionally past the age of 15.

Whisky - I WISH!😭

I agree with the advice you have been given, your Mother sounds spoilt, you need to be firm. I am sure your mental health would improve if you go no contact. Other posters have mentioned FOG -fear obligation and guilt, research the concept, it certainly helped me.

Do not feel guilty. You have every right to protect yourself. See her once a decade if you want to, or go NC if you want to.

Let golden balls step in if she needs help.

Fuck it. If you ‘owe’ her anything, it’s what she doled out to you - abuse.

Free yourself, she does not deserve you to silence your true feelings and needs a moment longer.

And remember: she is not your child.

She is not your responsibility.

You need to not give in! After the first time of sticking with it, any time after will become easier.

You know its a classic narcissistic trait to make one child the Golden Child, and one The ScapeGoat? If you google it you will see what I mean.
My scapegoat sister has gone no contact with our mum, and it’s really set her free.

The guit that you feel is part of the dynamic. Please read around it,and make a decision about what serves you best.
An ideal parent loves their offspring for who they are, gives them the skills to step out into the world,then sets them free as an adult. This is an ideal, but is your mum trying at all?

Or does she expect you to do what she wants with little respect for your needs?
Hope you get some answersop x

It's hard to imagine the horrible childhood you must have had, and I sympathise.

If it were me, I'd want nothing whatsoever to do with her. You could block her calls and any other communication, leave her to sort out all her own stuff. Then do the same with your brother.

You owe her nothing. You've got nothing in common with her, you don't like each other, and she doesn't deserve anything at all from you.

Why do you think you can't say "no, ask x"?

Gosh - thank you all so much for giving such considered and thoughtful comments! I'm tearing up just reading them.

I don't think she's spoilt as such - she grew up in poverty and was determined to do better for herself. She had me very young (19) and without the help of a partner so I think she just couldn't cope, was angry and lashed out at me because I was there. And then she married a guy who was useless and again lashed out at me when she realised she was stuck. Not an excuse AT ALL but that's what happened.

I'll read about guilt. At the moment I don't see how she'd get certain things done without me. She literally nobody else to help.

My exh was the golden child and he became an entitled, narcissistic adult. Your mother sounds as though she has done the same thing OP.

Saying no is difficult for me as a rule but the thing is, she moans and "come ooooon, pleease"s me until I give in. I do it out of guilt because I know there's nobody else do it for her

But there is someone else to do it for her - your brother. Even if he's "less able" than you (and I suspect that's really just as excuse on his part) that's unlikely to mean he can't do anything at all

So next time she asks for something fairly straightforward, simply tell her you can't do it and to ask your brother instead. Also have a few phrases prepared for when the whining starts: "I'm sorry, that won't work for me but I'm sure DB will help" or even just "I'm afraid that won't be possible"

And if she still whines, simply change the subject or walk out of the room, remembering that it's your choice to do this, just as it can be your choice to stop

RandomMess - there is literally nobody else she can ask in the family. And she has no close friends. I think she'd be embarrassed to ask non-family anyway.

But she can ask your brother! Why doesn't he help?

Why does she need help doing all these things ? Is she in her 90s or Very disabled ?

But there is someone else to do it for her - your brother. Even if he's "less able" than you (and I suspect that's really just as excuse on his part) that's unlikely to mean he can't do anything at all

Or she can do it herself. She’s what, 49? She isn’t elderly, infirm and confused. She is taking massive advantage and continuing to control you. The things that you are doing for are, I assume, things that most ordinarily capable adults figure out for themselves. Let her do that.

Saying no is difficult for me as a rule but the thing is, she moans and "come ooooon, pleease"s me until I give in. I do it out of guilt because I know there's nobody else do it for her. She is divorced and my brother doesn't have the... capacity, I guess.

Yes, there are other people to do it for her:

• Your brother who, as you point out, is an adult who holds down a job
• Herself. I assume she's mentally competent?

@TheMD

Why would that be your problem?

Why do you think you have to solve her issues, she is an adult she can deal with it herself like you have to...

Actually, yes - you said your brother has an "ok paid full time job" so he's not as useless as all that is he?

So again, what's to stop you telling her to ask him for help instead?

No, she's early 50s but isn't fluent in English. She works and manages day to day life fine but repeatedly refuses my offers to teach her how to book flights for example. She's a frequent flier. I've just realised I didn't put this in the op - sorry.