How do I manage my mother?

[TheMD]

Hi, everyone- I'm at my wits end trying to manage my relationship with my mother and would love some advice, please. This will be long, I'm sorry.

Relevant history: We've never had a great relationship as she was physically and mentally abusive to me and allowed my stepfather to be the same way. I developed depression as a child, which she ignored.

Over the years, we have fallen into an uneasy rhythm of seeing each other a few times a year. We have absolutely nothing in common on a human level and our meetings are strained and I resent her.

I have a younger brother (I'm 30, he's 25) He's my stepfather's son, a favourite who was given/allowed to do everything I wasn't. He lives in our mother's 2nd property rent-free. When I ask why, she says it's because she owns it outright and isn't paying anything herself. She buys his clothes, including underwear and coddles him to no end. He has an ok paid full time job.

Given all this, I am her go-to for anything technical, financial, legal or holiday planning. I am expected to "sort things out" for her and it's making me SO resentful, knowing that she expects things from me without giving anything in return but doesn't apply this to my brother. I know this isn't a healthy dynamic anyway, and family shouldn't keep tabs on who gets what but given our history, I cannot help but be resentful. It's eating me alive.

When I try to address this, she changes the subject. Won't engage at all.

HOW do I manage this? The only reason I ever spend time with her is because I feel guilty. Given the choice, I'd probably see her once every few years, if that.

How do I a) get her used to not asking me for life admin stuff and b) get over this resentment of the starkly different way she treats me and my brother?

Thank you, all ideas gratefully received.

Time to get tough then, what would happen if you died tomorrow? She would have to find another way!

Early 50s =actually 50.

Can she use the internet? Bookmark the flight booking page and leave her to it.

Oh she's great on the internet - a Facebook queen! Just not with "boring stuff"

No, she's early 50s but isn't fluent in English. She works and manages day to day life fine but repeatedly refuses my offers to teach her how to book flights for example. She's a frequent flier. I've just realised I didn't put this in the op - sorry.

If she’s able to work and manage day to day life, but claiming not to be able to book flights because of the language barrier, she’s having a laugh.

If she wants to fly badly enough she’ll figure it out, either online or she’ll ring up and find herself paying a premium. Either way, not your problem.

She’s massively using you. I’m so sorry, she sounds awful. I know she’s your mum , but why don’t you set yourself a short term goal? Don’t answer the phone to her or reply to her for a week.

And then a month.

And then see how long you can go.

My narcissistic MIL is exactly the same. You won't ever be able to please her so try and ignore her. Tell he4 you don't have time as working as can't afford stuff etc and to ask your brother.

Op, is she still with your Stepfather? If so, why can he not do all that she's guilt tripping you into doing?

I have been through similar with you, and sadly, if you're not able to say 'no' to her every time, then the only way out of this is no contact. As someone said up thread, it really does set you free.

So essentially your there just to do her boring shit - tell her to get your brother tp do it - end off. You might be surprised at the affevt of good boundaries with her after the intiall shit she will pour out x

Are there some cultural assumptions being made (by her) about your role as a daughter?

It is so easy to book a flight, if she needed to she could manage herself. And you know it!

She works and manages day to day life fine but repeatedly refuses my offers to teach her how to book flights for example

Of course she'll refuse if she knows you'll step in instead; she clearly isn't any more incapable than her son if she works too, so what's left is pure manipulation on all except genuinely difficult tasks

Which you're absolutely free to resist if you want to

If she can deal with Facebook, she can book a flight. Start by not sorting out that for her, and take it from there.

I was like this with my mum. Only difference is my brother still lives at home at 33.
It took me years of feeling guilty, of thinking oh she’s disabled and can’t do anything for herself. And then I realised she never asked how I was, or got in contact unless she needed some boring shit done.
Things came to a head for me when I split up from my husband and she didn’t even message for 6 weeks even though I’d moved out with my DD etc. Gradually I started being less available for her. Would say no occasionally. We’re finally NC and it’s been freeing to say the least.

I know that you hope if you do everything she’ll put you above your brother for once. She won’t. She doesn’t know how too. It gutted me for years that no matter what I did he was still always better than me. Its much easier to now not care what she does and live my own life with people that care. Xx

I'm so sorry about your childhood and the awful relationship you have with your mother. It's just horrible and must be so distressing.

What I'm going to say next isn't meant to be cruel or harsh, but it is the truth. At this point in your life, you have to take responsibility for how you live it and what you allow into your life. You say you have trouble saying no, however if you want things to change, you simply can't keep using that as an excuse anymore. Tell her NO and mean it. If she has a tantrum, let her, but refuse to listen to it. It's just noise, that's all. You are not responsible for how she feels and you must shed off the needless guilt. It's high time to take control of your own happiness.

Aquamarine - what you've (and others too) said has really hit home. Particularly about taking responsibility.

To answer some questions- no, she's not with my stepfather, they separated 10 years ago but hated each other long before then.

Re booking flights - she did manage it once a while ago (and I heard about it for weeks) but usually it's "oh, something's popped up on the screen, oh I can't stand this"

If she works, why can't she ask someone to help her. Perhaps she is using this as an excuse to speak to you ?

She wouldn't ask anyone she's either not related to or close to. She doesn't like being perceived as incompetent in any way.

She sees me helping her with this stuff as a way to pay her back for raising me and paying for my schooling/dance classes/ etc. I'm not kidding.

But she does have other people to ask Yeh?

If she doesn't ask anyone else that's her choice, not your problem!

There is a book called toxic parents you would benefit from reading it. You are in fog big time...

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

Did she have the same values of her mum? Did she help her out?

Whisky - the way I see it, she doesn't have anyone else to help to be honest. My brother can barely operate the computer, he works a manual job and hasn't left our hometown since he was forced to go on a school trip last. She just doesn't bother learning how to do things because she knows I'll do it for her 🙄

Whisky - her mum had 10 kids, alcohol issues and lived in poverty. They didn't have time for things like emotional support so I don't think my mother knows how that works.

Ugh. Well if you want change you need to...change!
But both her and your bro some computing lessons for crimbo :D

Whisky - thank you for the first real laugh of the day 😂❤️

Find out where she can learn (library) tell her...