How do I manage my mother?

[TheMD]

Hi, everyone- I'm at my wits end trying to manage my relationship with my mother and would love some advice, please. This will be long, I'm sorry.

Relevant history: We've never had a great relationship as she was physically and mentally abusive to me and allowed my stepfather to be the same way. I developed depression as a child, which she ignored.

Over the years, we have fallen into an uneasy rhythm of seeing each other a few times a year. We have absolutely nothing in common on a human level and our meetings are strained and I resent her.

I have a younger brother (I'm 30, he's 25) He's my stepfather's son, a favourite who was given/allowed to do everything I wasn't. He lives in our mother's 2nd property rent-free. When I ask why, she says it's because she owns it outright and isn't paying anything herself. She buys his clothes, including underwear and coddles him to no end. He has an ok paid full time job.

Given all this, I am her go-to for anything technical, financial, legal or holiday planning. I am expected to "sort things out" for her and it's making me SO resentful, knowing that she expects things from me without giving anything in return but doesn't apply this to my brother. I know this isn't a healthy dynamic anyway, and family shouldn't keep tabs on who gets what but given our history, I cannot help but be resentful. It's eating me alive.

When I try to address this, she changes the subject. Won't engage at all.

HOW do I manage this? The only reason I ever spend time with her is because I feel guilty. Given the choice, I'd probably see her once every few years, if that.

How do I a) get her used to not asking me for life admin stuff and b) get over this resentment of the starkly different way she treats me and my brother?

Thank you, all ideas gratefully received.

Op - I feel for you. The fact is - she is never going to change. So the only thing that you can change is YOU.
Practice saying 'no, I can't, ask DSB'. And really practice it, out loud in the kitchen, the shower wherever. And when she asks you to do something, say it and keep repeating it. If it's on the phone, say it, and then say 'I'm putting the phone down now, goodbye'.
She won't change until you do. Good luck.

OP, you are not responsible for your mother. It sounds like she has been a horrible mother to you. You don't owe her anything now. You cannot control the way she behaves but you are in control of how you respond to her and if she is a part of your life at all. You are not responsible for booking flights for her or teaching her how to do it herself. Or anything else like that.

You've thought about how much you would like her in your life. Now you need to put a plan in place as to how you make that happen.

She just doesn't bother learning how to do things because she knows I'll do it for her

So stop. You don't even believe it's a matter of can't, but won't. So stop.

Nothing is going to change when you're enabling her and continuing the dynamic. She'll find another sucker if nothing else.

Try a bit of self-preservation for a change.

This thread has been incredibly helpful - so much to think about.

I think the reason I feel so guilty saying no to her is that she isn't inherently evil or anything - she probably did the best she was capable of at the time and her best happened to be quite poor. She does buy me birthday cards/gifts and seems completely oblivious as to what my problem is, despite me telling her quite a few times.

Random - thank you for the FOG explanation - I'd never heard of it and will read up.

You really do need to cease all communications with your mother and block her attempts at contacting you. Do not keep on picking up the rope she holds out to you. You owe this woman precisely nothing. She abjectly failed you when you were younger and she continues to fail you now.

There is no justification at all for the ways in which she has treated you. A lot of people did their best and your mother truly did not. She took the low road and abused you allowing your stepfather to treat you the same.

It is NOT your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her that way. Her own family did that to her and she has likely repeated the same old with you.

Like many adult children of such a toxic parent you are still very much mired in your own fear, obligation and guilt. All this is holding you back from having no contact at all with her. Have a read too of the "out of the fog" website.

Have a read too of the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationships pages.

She's ok with facebook but can't book flights!
This is chosen incompetence a FB Is social, she can be the version of herself she wants others to believe. Booking flights is boring so she's choosing not to do it, it's also a way of controlling you which must gratify her in some way.

In your shoes I'd start limiting contact; always let her call you, keep the calls brief, don't give away personal or emotional information when you do speak. If she asks you to do something and you're uncomfortable saying an outright no you could try postponing it - I don't have time at the mome, give me a call in two weeks time and I'll let you know if I can help you.

She wouldn't ask anyone she's either not related to or close to

Then that's her choice isn't it? (And incidentally it's very different to "not having anyone to ask")

Your choice is whether to put in place some useful changes or to continue while this continues to get worse, which it certainly will when she starts to age

What aquamarine said about taking responsibility made a great deal of sense

You are only responsible for your own self. Not her but she has made you feel responsible for her and her life. She is perfectly capable of doing other things and uses you as her slave.

Do read up on FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

You have a choice still here re your mother; you do not have to do what you have always done. She will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions and she will never give you the approval that you probably still seek from her.

Hi TheMD, I recognise a lot of my Mums relationship with my Nana in your situation, The Scapegoat, the emotional punchbag, the jumping through never-ending hoops. And they really do never end, my Nana has dementia now and she still can’t be nice to my Mum (actually it was hard to tell she had dementia as she was always ‘uninhibited’ with her criticism). The decades my Mum wasted trying to please her at the expense of spending time with her kids (me) still hurts. Please don’t be like my Mum, they don’t change, they won’t appreciate you, for your own mental health go low contact at the very least.

Wow. You really do not want her to take any responsibility! It's incredible reading your posts, one after the other, explaining how it's ok that she behaves like this.

Donkey - I do see what you mean, I really do. I guess because she is capable of acting like she cares (when it suits her), it seems harsh to cut contact or stop what I've been doing. But I know I have to. I also know she'll be confused as to why and tell me I'm making her depressed and sad.

No it is not at all harsh for you to cut all contact. Its your fear, obligation and guilt; those three things she instilled in you that is saying that. She does not care that she made your childhood an utter misery.

The woman abused you throughout your childhood, you owe this woman precisely nothing.

I also know she'll be confused as to why and tell me I'm making her depressed and sad

I'm sure she will - she'll probably tell you that she can't understand why nobody loves her, why you're being like this after all she's done for you and much more - but fortunately you can choose to ignore it all if you wish

And "she did the best she was capable of"? When she abused you and enabled your stepfather to do the same? Really?

Let's say you employed someone. And they were typically terrible at their job. But you observed that when they really wanted to, they were capable of doing their job.

What would you think of that employee?

Would you think they were a good person? What sort of qualities would you assume they had, if they were able to do a good job but chose not to?

Would you feel it unfair to dismiss them?

It doesn't matter what her intentions are, the effects are the same. You matter.

You can understand her background, but it doesn't mean you should have to put yourself in the firing line.

@Puzzledandpissedoff I understand what you're saying. When I had therapy a few years ago, obviously my mother came up a lot and my therapist said: you waiting for any emotional support/understanding/apology from her is like sitting under a pear tree and waiting for apples to fall. It just won't happen. Not because the pear tree doesn't want to give you apples but because it just isn't wired to do it. I know it's a somewhat simplistic comparison but I do truly believe that my mother has monumentally fucked up her relationship with me by doing what her twisted perceptions guided her to do.
And again - that's not an excuse for what she did (I will never forgive nor forget it) but it might be part of the reason.

@category12 Thank you, I completely agree

@DonkeyPlease
Very valid point, you're absolutely right

She abused you.

You don't owe her a thing.

No. Is a complete sentence. Say No, then turn away, walk away, change the subject, end the phone call, whatever.

No. NO. Say it. NO.

Op she sounds exactly like mine right down to the sibling treatment. It affected me so much in so many ways. Until I started therapy. I just needed someone to let me know that she was abusive and it's ok to cut contact with your own mother without feeling guilty.
I understand the guilt and obligation that draws you in.

Look at it this way, if she was a good mother then you wouldn't have this issue. But she wasnt , so why does she deserve anything from you? She failed and you dont owe her your life trying to please her. Take back the power and control in your life.

If she's incapable of booking a flight she can go to a travel agent.

And "she did the best she was capable of"? When she abused you and enabled your stepfather to do the same? Really?

^^This.

She won't change. Don't accept it any longer.

@SilverLining10 - thank you for sharing and I'm really sorry your mother treated you so badly. Did you ever struggle with feelings of resentment? Did anything apart from therapy help?

Op I suffered for years with resentment. The memories consumed me and in fact every single interaction with her brought about something new to make me feel worse.

Therapy helped me realise that it's ok to cut contact. That I'm not a bad person if I dont want to have anything to do with her. That I was a child and had no power or control over anything , but as an adult I have the choice to decide that my mental and emotional health is far more important. So I slowly learnt to distance myself. And eventually I have control over my life again. And the guilt isnt there holding me down anymore.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. For me cutting contact saved me, it was the hardest thing at first but down the line I have my life and peace of mind back. I feel liberated.

OP if she can't manage to book flights, she can go to a travel agent and ask them to do so - or even phone one up. I used to use one called travelbag.co.uk but there are others. It's less confusing than starting completely from fresh searching on the internet. She may not get the cheapest flights ever but if she is a frequent flier they will bend over backwards to help her and she will have found some independence - got some for you too.