How do I manage my mother?

[TheMD]

Hi, everyone- I'm at my wits end trying to manage my relationship with my mother and would love some advice, please. This will be long, I'm sorry.

Relevant history: We've never had a great relationship as she was physically and mentally abusive to me and allowed my stepfather to be the same way. I developed depression as a child, which she ignored.

Over the years, we have fallen into an uneasy rhythm of seeing each other a few times a year. We have absolutely nothing in common on a human level and our meetings are strained and I resent her.

I have a younger brother (I'm 30, he's 25) He's my stepfather's son, a favourite who was given/allowed to do everything I wasn't. He lives in our mother's 2nd property rent-free. When I ask why, she says it's because she owns it outright and isn't paying anything herself. She buys his clothes, including underwear and coddles him to no end. He has an ok paid full time job.

Given all this, I am her go-to for anything technical, financial, legal or holiday planning. I am expected to "sort things out" for her and it's making me SO resentful, knowing that she expects things from me without giving anything in return but doesn't apply this to my brother. I know this isn't a healthy dynamic anyway, and family shouldn't keep tabs on who gets what but given our history, I cannot help but be resentful. It's eating me alive.

When I try to address this, she changes the subject. Won't engage at all.

HOW do I manage this? The only reason I ever spend time with her is because I feel guilty. Given the choice, I'd probably see her once every few years, if that.

How do I a) get her used to not asking me for life admin stuff and b) get over this resentment of the starkly different way she treats me and my brother?

Thank you, all ideas gratefully received.

my mother has monumentally fucked up her relationship with me by doing what her twisted perceptions guided her to do

You're right that it's a reason (and also that it's not an excuse), but never forget that it was still a choice

I'm another who was hideously abused by one parent - who in turn was enabled by the other - but instead of turning into him and then whining to get everyone's sympathy for having carried on the pattern I've made it my life's work to avoid even the slightest resemblance between us

There's nothing remotely special about me but the point is that I chose this path - and if I can do it I'm sure she could have done it too

As PPs have said, you owe this dreadful woman precisely nothing

Well as she turns to you gor financial life type stuff get her to sign lettersgiving you access to bank etc say they won’t deal with you in future. And start ‘organising her funds’ in acrwstive way !!! Get my drift. If she really doesn’t know how to do anything
Your half brother sounds hopeless
Good luck in redressing the balance

I've a similar dynamic going on in my relationship.

She doesn't need you to do what you do. She really doesn't. If she wants to go on holiday she can go to a travel agent.

She has enough money to be able to afford not to charge your brother rent. Does she own two properties mortgage free? She can pay for help to do some things that you do.

Nothing you do will ever be enough.

I would tell her that you aren't going to do it any more, because it makes you feel anxious and resentful. Tell her if she'd like to meet up to do something fun- have a meal together- then great. However, you are not prepared to talk to her about all her problems.

At her age, she is more than able to learn these skills, make other friends, and generally just stop taking advantage of you. She has choices over how she is with you and she chooses to see you as a resource to abuse.

She doesn't see you as a person with feelings, just as an extension of herself. She'd be as surprised and upset as if her hand stopped working- cross, hard done by, resentful- that's about as deep as it goes for her.

Just wondering, is your brother special needs in some way? Or capable, just choosing not to?

@picklemepopcorn - she owns the flat where my stepfather and step brother live; they only pay the utilities but no rent. My mother bought the flat a long time ago so mortgage is paid off. She lives in another flat herself where she pays mortgage. She's certainly in a good position but not loaded by any means. I still don't understand why she won't charge even symbolic rent to two full-time employed men🙄

@subspace - nope, he's just a product of his upbringing - he was allowed to slack off academically because he was a boy (no, I don't understand it either 🤷‍♀️) and nothing was really expected of him whereas I had to be the best at everything I was presented with and I was still a disappointment. I left home as soon as I could.

He Isn't really interested in anything beyond getting paid and drinking beer. It's fine if that's what he wants obviously, it's just not for me. He lives with his father in the flat where we grew up and doesn't want anything to change.

She can afford not to charge them rent, she can afford to pay for help that she needs.

She doesn't need you, she is using you. Sorry. I know it sucks.

She is 49 by my calculations? What does she need help with?

Why does she need technical help ir holiday booking help I mean

If most of your contact is by phone there are ways you can help yourself to not get sucked into her life.

Think about some stock phrases that’d work in the way she gets you to do things for her.

Write them down and practice them. Only pick up the phone to get/or call her when you have the notebook with those phrases with you and open on that page.

If you can’t say no, think about deflection or positive statements of what she needs to do to achieve this so you don’t need to say no. Failing that learn some delaying tactics so you aren’t saying no now, but things are awkward for her and she’d need to get around things without if she wants it done sooner.

There will be plenty of ploys and phrases you can use, you just need to think of them and be ready in advance.

Tell her you are going to be extremely busy for a while on some side projects. Make something up: work training, volunteering etc. Or actually do those things.

Then stop answering the phone. Busy, so busy, can't talk now, no can't do that for you.

Do not make suggestions of how to get a job done if you can't. Don't suggest other people, courses etc. If she asks what she will do say "I'm sure you'll think of something. Oh, there's the doorbell, got to go."

@yoohooitsme She is young, you're right - she is just completely hopeless (or has been allowed to be since I've done everything) with technology. She does have a smartphone and spends a lot of time on FB but gets very frustrated with unfamiliar websites. Doesn't really get the concept of googling for information. Which means that every holiday she wrangles me into going with her (because she doesn't have anyone else to go with), I am the tour guide, the one who has to know how the transport system works, where to go for meals etc. She has a great time (because she doesn't have to think) and I need a holiday afterwards to recover from the mental load.

@CottonTailRabbit @Joysmum great suggestions- thank you! Yes, our contact is mainly on the phone and I sigh inwardly every time I see her pop up on the phone display.

I don't know what I'd say to her when she inevitably asks about the change in my attitude- any advice?

No change, just got a lot going on right now.

Have you considered blocking her number for a few days? So you don't even see the calls flash up. Say you've been having phone troubleml.

Or get a new phone number and give it only to people you actually need to hear from. Put the old sim in a cheap phone in a drawer and only check it once a week.

Ultimately, your best option is probably engineering a big strop from her where she cuts you off for a few weeks or months.

Life is a lot easier if you give no fucks about people thinking you are the bad guy. Work on that people pleasing side of your personality.

I don't know what I'd say to her when she inevitably asks about the change in my attitude

You don't need to engage with that at all

"oooooo you seem really distant / unwilling / whatever these days"
"Oh really - do you think so?"

And change subject immediately

Look up 'grey rock technique'. You make yourself very uninteresting, don't engage. It's very useful.