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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Financial arrangement between me and my partner

83 replies

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 11:23

Today 10:50Sherbet1924

Hello, I am new to this site and was just wanting a bit of advice regarding financial arangments between myself and my partner, he work a full time and is away from our home 50 plus hours a week, I am home with 3 children, a 6 year old and 20 month old twins, I do work Aswel but obviously can't work anywhere near as much as he does, we are not entitled to any financial help due to his income, this month due to not being able to commit to many shifts I received £300 wages between me and 3 kids for a month, take off car tax insurance petrol ect it leaves me with next to nothing, my partner pays the house and bills, however when I am short on money he says I should budget better, I've tried telling him that is easy for him to say working his usual full time hours not having to sacrifice a penny, I have had to sacrifice 3 quarters to my usual wage to have our children and he doesn't think he should have to give me any money as his contributions are the rent and bills, if I want more money I need to work more, which yes I would love to work more like I used to but nursery would be 80 pounds per day which wouldn't be worth me putting them in as my wages wouldn't be much more, I feel really stuck as I have to manage school runs look after baby twins and work when I can, his only worry is going to work his usual full time hours and he doesn't appreciate my sacrifise at all, he paid for us to go on holiday which I really appreciated but he doesn't understand if I was able to work more I would have my own money to pay for holidays ext, it's causing arguments as I don't think it's fair I am left struggling every month with 3 kids whilst he keeps his left over wages all to himself, if I ask for any help he calls me a money grabber which I am most certainly not, I have always worked 2 and 3 jobs full time, my family think he should be giving me some sort of wage to last me through the month for the kids, as i cant work anywhere near as much as he does due to havi g 3 kids to look after, him and his friends think he pays the bills so I should be grateful and earn more money myself, I am trying my best and I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall, any advice please am I in the wrong?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 11:24

He's an absolute bastard. He's leaving you and your children short of money - that's unforgivable.

BoomTish · 13/10/2018 11:28

You’re in a very vulnerable position if this relationship breaks down. I take it you’re not married? Are all the children his?

Who owns your home? Are you both on the mortgage?

You need to return to work full time, and pay in to a pension for yourself. Childcare won’t come solely from your wage, it should be split between the two of you.

He’ll be annoyed when he sees he’s forking out more from his salary when you’re working, but you really do need to ensure you have an income of your own that will allow you to live independently if the relationship ends.

Starlight345 · 13/10/2018 11:29

I hate this his and her money. You are great full he is paying for you all to go on holiday.

You really don’t sound like a family. Tell you will work but split the childcare costs . He may think twice.

Is your name on the house?

pog100 · 13/10/2018 11:30

You will gets lots more advice I hope but let me just say that this situation is financial abuse of you. You are a partnership, it should be, to bring up your kids successfully. I know people have different arrangements but personally I think the fair one is that all your monies go into a pot, you pay all bills from this, you make mutual decisions on savings and pensions for both of you and you each get the same spending money for yourselves.
I have a feeling this is so far from what he would agree, that you are living in a different century. I'm not sure how you can change it but it does need drastic change. I feel for you.

W0rriedMum · 13/10/2018 11:33

Quite seriously, would you be better off alone, getting CMS off him and tax credits? Right now you're getting nothing because it is assumed he's paying for the kids.
This is no relationship - I'd make my plans to get independent and back on my feet.

W0rriedMum · 13/10/2018 11:34

@pog100 makes a good point. Are you in the UK and have you family around you?

Hopoindown31 · 13/10/2018 12:05

I do struggle to empathise with people who have kids and not joint finances. You are a family team and the income should be for the family imho. Rent and bills doesn't really cut it as they are his children too he needs a good shake.

DontCallMeDaisy · 13/10/2018 12:08

Seriously think about ending this relationship.
Child tax credits, working tax credits, CMS and the fact he will have the children some of the time himself abd allowing you more time to work will mean you are better off.

Tell him that too. And that his utter selfishness leaves you no choice.

Mrskeats · 13/10/2018 12:09

Me too hop
Clear case of financial abuse here.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 13/10/2018 12:10

You tell him that you've done your share of child reading. From November onwards, you will be working full time and the kids and childcare are his responsibility entirely.

If he won't deal with them for you, then why should you do it for him?

You've been silly having 3 kids when you knew he was like this after having 1. But it's time to leave.

DontCallMeDaisy · 13/10/2018 12:12

Yes, why do you have to pay childcare? Does he understand how much childcare for 3 children would be if you were both working full time? More than your salary i imagine. You are saving the family money while sacrificing your future. Please dont let this continue OP

GertrudeCB · 13/10/2018 12:13

It's Financial Abuse.

GertrudeCB · 13/10/2018 12:14

........and I say that as the major earner for the last 15 years.

Babyshark2018 · 13/10/2018 12:16

Urgh he sounds vile. Does he realise how hard it is looking after 3 young children? And you work! Seriously, this is not a normal way to behave towards the mother of your children.

This would be a deal breaker for me, you are supposed to be a family. I’d leave, like someone said you’d be better off financially on your own. As you are not married it would be better to leave sooner rather than later so you can have some financial security further down the line.

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 12:43

I have tried telling him so many times, I told.himni would be better off alone as he would have to pay 400 a month on child care, I would also get free child care if I were alone so I could work more, he would still have rent to pay wether I was there or not so him paying the rent isn't really a valid point of his, it's gotten so bad that yesterday my car ran put of petrol on my way to the school as I didn't have any money left to put in my car, but thankfully a neighbour seen is and took us to the school and back, I was upset and crying and he doesn't see it as his problem, he did give me 50 pound to last me the week because I ended up flipping but it's getting me down, I can't ever buy anything for my kids or have any extra for days out or to make plans, it's a constant struggle x

OP posts:

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 12:44

He would have to pay 400 a month CSA I meant not child care x

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 13/10/2018 12:45

In your shoes I'd leave.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 13/10/2018 12:53

Does he not want his kids to go to swimming lessons or days out or clubs?

When you say "The kids are a joint expense. We both had them. My career is on hold to raise them. If I didn't have your kids, my career would carry on and I would have money. You wanted kids. You need to pay me for my loss of earnings".

What does he say?

Why does he think his money isn't family money?

You need to leave. Just leave. Can you stay with someone for the next couple of weeks while you make your child maintenance claim and benefits application?

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 12:55

When I say about leaving he says I bet you will be right to the CSA claiming money from me you money grabber.. I am far from a money grabber I just want to be able to live a little bit with my 3 kids, I would have plenty of my own money if I was able to work the hours I used to, it's a hard situation because I feel as though I am always on at him about money but I wish he would have a few months in my shoes and then he might understand the struggle x

OP posts:

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 13:03

I could go stay with my mum, I've told him of I leave then he can have the kids 2 weeks a month and so will I, he replies with yes that's fine, but I don't think he thinks I will actually go, if he had the kids 2 fill weeks a month he would need to pay 800 to nursery fees to cover the days he works, he doesn't get that I am covering all this by sacrificing my own income, he doesn't buy the kids clothes either he thinks I'm stupid spending money on clothes, he would have them in the same scruffy clothes until they physically couldn't wear them anymore if it was up to him, I have bought them every single item of clothing they have, and that is on my short wages and rubbish maternity pat I was getting, x

OP posts:

TeeBee · 13/10/2018 13:06

Quite honestly, I would do that. Sounds like you'd be in a much better financial and emotional position. I can't see how you're benefitting from this relationship.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 13/10/2018 13:11

So leave. It's not getting better and it won't.

Your oldest will start to understand soon. "Daddy has loads if money but I can't get swimming lessons coz he won't share with us."

Do you want to hear that from your children?

Why does he think he isn't financially responsible for the kids he chose to have?

Leave. Pack up and go to your mum's. Start your applications on Monday.

pog100 · 13/10/2018 13:12

For god's sake just go. Especially if you have a supportive mother. Up and go, and sort everything out later. You can't live like this it's ridiculous. It is not money grabbing to expect a father to pay his share of the child rearing and the government agrees hence CSA.

SweetheartNeckline · 13/10/2018 13:14

How do you still respect him and love him after years of him being a cruel and selfish prick? Are you sure you do?

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 13:14

Thank you for all your advice, you have all made me realise what I already knew deep down, I deserve more than this, I am going to my mum's on Monday for a few weeks until I sort myself out x

OP posts:

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