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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Financial arrangement between me and my partner

83 replies

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 11:23

Today 10:50Sherbet1924

Hello, I am new to this site and was just wanting a bit of advice regarding financial arangments between myself and my partner, he work a full time and is away from our home 50 plus hours a week, I am home with 3 children, a 6 year old and 20 month old twins, I do work Aswel but obviously can't work anywhere near as much as he does, we are not entitled to any financial help due to his income, this month due to not being able to commit to many shifts I received £300 wages between me and 3 kids for a month, take off car tax insurance petrol ect it leaves me with next to nothing, my partner pays the house and bills, however when I am short on money he says I should budget better, I've tried telling him that is easy for him to say working his usual full time hours not having to sacrifice a penny, I have had to sacrifice 3 quarters to my usual wage to have our children and he doesn't think he should have to give me any money as his contributions are the rent and bills, if I want more money I need to work more, which yes I would love to work more like I used to but nursery would be 80 pounds per day which wouldn't be worth me putting them in as my wages wouldn't be much more, I feel really stuck as I have to manage school runs look after baby twins and work when I can, his only worry is going to work his usual full time hours and he doesn't appreciate my sacrifise at all, he paid for us to go on holiday which I really appreciated but he doesn't understand if I was able to work more I would have my own money to pay for holidays ext, it's causing arguments as I don't think it's fair I am left struggling every month with 3 kids whilst he keeps his left over wages all to himself, if I ask for any help he calls me a money grabber which I am most certainly not, I have always worked 2 and 3 jobs full time, my family think he should be giving me some sort of wage to last me through the month for the kids, as i cant work anywhere near as much as he does due to havi g 3 kids to look after, him and his friends think he pays the bills so I should be grateful and earn more money myself, I am trying my best and I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall, any advice please am I in the wrong?

OP posts:

Ribbon86 · 13/10/2018 15:48

So he’d pay for a wedding but can’t help out when your struggling he’s trying to mess your head up you deserve better

Hooli · 13/10/2018 15:52

Do you know how much he earns? Do you have any idea how much money he has left over after he pays the rent and bills??

Haffiana · 13/10/2018 16:04

I don't want to leave I love him to bits

Whereas he does not love you and in fact holds you in contempt.

OP, you need to make a life for yourself and your children away from a man who will only ever love money. Can you imagine doing that to a partner? Could you even do it to someone you hated? I bet you couldn't. Why are you settling for someone so vile?

ferrier · 13/10/2018 17:13

If he loved you he wouldn't want to see you so insecure.
If he loved his children be wouldn't want to see them going short.

Pacificwander · 13/10/2018 19:40

He's the only money grabber here OP grabbing family money and not supporting the family he helped create.
Ignore his dangling carrot ploy of a house n marriage imagine how worse it would be : he 'd pay mortgage and nothing else stating "what more do you want didn't i buy a house!!"
Time to just exit this bullshit let cms get him to pay for his kids.

Robin2323 · 13/10/2018 19:44

You've not answered if he's saving the money for his family or spending down the pub.

I had a friend who worked tons of hour for the family's first house/deposit

Gave partner money etc

But she spent money like water
Got into debt with catalogues
And then started to dip into the savings. 😳

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 20:08

If he was saving I would fully understand that, he is also very secretive over his money/bank statements ECT, I literally don't know what he has in his account ever, if he said to me I'm putting money away for a house ext I would fully get that but he isn't, he just doesn't like spending money at all, I understand being careful but you can't refuse necessities, he goes the pub every week he has money for that, don't get me wrong he has a lot of good points and I really think he just doesn't get it because he has never had to struggle he doesn't know how it feels to struggle x

OP posts:

ferrier · 13/10/2018 20:13

If he was saving he wouldn't be renting out his house for £250 a month. Are you sure the child isn't his?

Smallhorse · 13/10/2018 20:41

What is wrong with the Brain of people like him ?
Doesn't he understand simple arithmetic ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2018 20:51

Sherbert

If anyone is a money grabber here it is your partner, not you. What you describe here is financial abuse.

You may well love him to bits and do not want to leave but he does not love you at all. He is abusive towards you and treats you and these children in turn with the utmost contempt. Men like this also take a long time to recover from and it is only when you are away from him will you perhaps realise the extent of the abuse he has held you under.

Go to your mothers asap and make the separation from your financial abuser a permanent one. I would think as well that he is also not just solely financially abusive either towards you.

He understands ok smallhorse but such selfish and entitled men do not want to share. Ever. Its all for them and them alone.

ThePinkOcelot · 13/10/2018 21:27

He’s being very generous to his Ex!! £250 per month rent?!
He’s a total arse hole!!

Joysmum · 13/10/2018 21:38

Could you ever see yourself being happy to treat him the way he’s treating you and the children?

If not why?

That’s your answer. How would you have split things to make it fair on him if your situation was reveresed. You and the kids deserve better

Honeyroar · 13/10/2018 21:52

He is abusing you, and even worse, your children. You don't love this man, he is horrible!

LannieDuck · 13/10/2018 22:12

Have you tried suggesting you'll go back to work FT, and he'll need to pay half the childcare costs?

ilooovechristmas · 13/10/2018 22:40

This is wrong on every level, my DH pays all bills and for our house as I don't work and look after DD... he still buys me and DD what we want pays for meals days out holidays etc! I'd rather die than beg to a man for money !! Your WORKING your ass of looking after HIS kids! If he can't see that then he's an idiot !!!

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 23:07

No his ex girlfriend child Definetly isn't his she was older when he met her mum and she has her dad, he only charges his ex the mortgage costs as she did contribute towards the house so I understand that, and if she really wanted to she could probably try and claim half the house but to be fair to her she isn't doing that so I think he just does that for a quiet life, I don't worry about the ex in the slightest, and he never gives me reason to doubt him in any other way other than financial reasons, he never ever makes me feel unwanted, he compliments me constantly ext apart from the financial issues I have no problem at all x

OP posts:

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 23:09

Yes I said I would go back to work and put the babies in nursery, when I told him nursery would be 1600 a month he started backtracking a bit! Maybe I should do that and watch how fast he changes his tune x

OP posts:

DontCallMeDaisy · 14/10/2018 00:24

But what if he does change his tune?

Would you stay if you knew the prospect of having to pay for his children if you left was the thing that made him see sense? Would that be enough?

Blondebakingmumma · 14/10/2018 03:52

He is financially abusive
Why should childcare costs come out of your pay?

blueskiespls · 14/10/2018 07:23

Your partnership is so unequal. It's sad to read. I'm sure he has good points but from what I read they No Way outweigh the bad points. He is treating his ex better than you! And I expect the promise of buying a house and getting married is just to keep you there.

Leave. But in the meantime don't make rash decisions about who would have the kids and when. As you may regret. Do you really want them spending half their time with him? Depends what he's like as a dad.
You will definitely be better off alone. Go onto the tax credits Calculator, add up all the benefits you would get and see if you can afford somewhere to rent for you and DC. In meantime, stay with family. Best of luck

cptartapp · 14/10/2018 07:54

Money grabber eh? Split and let him sort childcare for 3DC 24/7 his half of the week then, he won't have to pay you a penny and you can get back to work. Everyone's happy. You've been stitched up OP.

Cawfee · 14/10/2018 08:52

He’s disgusting. He doesn’t love you. The children are his responsibility too not just yours. You shouldn’t have to go through this. He’s nasty nasty. Start not loving him because Jesus, you deserve better than this.
Tell him you are going back to work full time and the kids will be his responsibility. He will need to pay the childcare from HIS salary. He pays the bills right? Nursery cost is a bill.

DrMorbius · 14/10/2018 09:10

These stories always have common threads and the old carrot of He does say he wanted get married and for us to buy a house next year is a classic example.

Op he is financially abusive to you and your three children. Whatever redeeming qualities you keep trying to think of, do they really make up for this FACT.
Stop tinkering around the edges for a solution. Why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is happy to abuse your children? The answer to that question is the reason you are in this predicament.

Graphista · 14/10/2018 14:24

Ffs! He's being financially abusive, the home, the children are BOTH your responsibility and that INCLUDES childcare.

I'm guessing from op he's not contributing even 50% of household and children's costs which is the MINIMUM he should be doing!

You're supposed to be a family! Really it should all be treated as one pot and bills and costs covered as needed.

Where do you stand legally? Are you married? Is home owned or rented and in who's name?

Disagree this is "old fashioned" old fashioned would be man supporting his family!

To be blunt though don't bank on a selfish twat like this paying maintenance - he's EXACTLY the type to do all he can to avoid! (Which is NOT to say don't claim. Frankly I'd be onto cms the day after leaving) Seeing it as supporting you to live a life of luxury instead of what it IS which is supporting his kids. He won't take the kids 50/50 either, he doesn't think he has any real responsibility for them - that's your job in his eyes, in fact I'll wager he's also the type to disappear out their lives altogether! He won't pay childcare and unfortunately there's no way to make him.

You say he has good points yet don't mention ANY!

"he compliments me constantly" that's just to keep you sweet!

Original poster

Sherbet1924 · 14/10/2018 19:02

He was saying before he would rahe shave the kids 50/50 so he doesn't have to give me a penny.. Then he was saying he isn't paying anything towards childcare I can pay it all out of the benefits I will get

Why is he being so mean x

OP posts:

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