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Original poster

Financial arrangement between me and my partner

83 replies

Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 11:23

Today 10:50Sherbet1924

Hello, I am new to this site and was just wanting a bit of advice regarding financial arangments between myself and my partner, he work a full time and is away from our home 50 plus hours a week, I am home with 3 children, a 6 year old and 20 month old twins, I do work Aswel but obviously can't work anywhere near as much as he does, we are not entitled to any financial help due to his income, this month due to not being able to commit to many shifts I received £300 wages between me and 3 kids for a month, take off car tax insurance petrol ect it leaves me with next to nothing, my partner pays the house and bills, however when I am short on money he says I should budget better, I've tried telling him that is easy for him to say working his usual full time hours not having to sacrifice a penny, I have had to sacrifice 3 quarters to my usual wage to have our children and he doesn't think he should have to give me any money as his contributions are the rent and bills, if I want more money I need to work more, which yes I would love to work more like I used to but nursery would be 80 pounds per day which wouldn't be worth me putting them in as my wages wouldn't be much more, I feel really stuck as I have to manage school runs look after baby twins and work when I can, his only worry is going to work his usual full time hours and he doesn't appreciate my sacrifise at all, he paid for us to go on holiday which I really appreciated but he doesn't understand if I was able to work more I would have my own money to pay for holidays ext, it's causing arguments as I don't think it's fair I am left struggling every month with 3 kids whilst he keeps his left over wages all to himself, if I ask for any help he calls me a money grabber which I am most certainly not, I have always worked 2 and 3 jobs full time, my family think he should be giving me some sort of wage to last me through the month for the kids, as i cant work anywhere near as much as he does due to havi g 3 kids to look after, him and his friends think he pays the bills so I should be grateful and earn more money myself, I am trying my best and I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall, any advice please am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 13:18

Thank you for all your advice, you have helped me to realise what I already knew deep down, me and the kids deserve more than this, I am going to my mum's on Monday for a few weeks until I sort myself out, I cant carry on like this, he does have some very good points Aswel but in relation to money he just doesn't get it at all x

OP posts:
Ribbon86 · 13/10/2018 13:18

I feel your pain sherbet I’m in a similar position although h does pay an allowance into my bank each month it’s no where near enough to cover everything for 3 kids , I had to add a £50 overdraft yesterday to get by guess what h done ...., bought a new computer game and went a night out . I bet you constantly worry about getting by it’s a horrible feeling he doesn’t deserve you or the kids

overmydeadbody · 13/10/2018 13:19

My gosh sherbet you need to leave.

The father of your children calls you a money grabber because you want him to pay for his own kids?!? What a horrible man.

wafflyversatile · 13/10/2018 13:22

I can only agree with pp.

He's the moneygrabber.

LegalEagle99 · 13/10/2018 13:23

There is a total lack of dignity and respect for you. You are not some scrounging tramp, you are his partner and mother to his 3 children!!!! You are his equal!!!! He is not doing you any favours and you are not being ridiculous by wanting money for frivolous things. You ran out of fuel on your way to collect your children for goodness sake!!!!!
Either he starts treating you fairly or you value yourself and the message your children are getting and leave!

He's not a nice person.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 13/10/2018 13:26

It's awful that he is happy to see you and the kids struggle. Not surf I could respect my partner if I was in your shoes. Take care of you and the kids and do what you need to do. He is being financially controlling.

ApolloandDaphne · 13/10/2018 13:28

He is financially abusing you. It will cost his a whole lot more if you leave him. I don't really think you have a choice here. You need to do what is right for your SC.

ApolloandDaphne · 13/10/2018 13:28

DC even!

Original poster
Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 13:36

Thank you all, I have to admit I am very hurt he would sooner see me go thank come to some sort of agreement, I don't want to leave I love him to bits but he really isn't leaving me with a choice, I have been so down and depressed because of how much I am struggling financially and nothing is changing, he will have a shock when he not only had to pay rent but he also has to pay CSA and childcare which he has been getting for free, wonder how often he will be able to go the pub then! X

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 13/10/2018 13:45

We don't have s Joint bills account
My dh gives me a set amount weekly
I get to keep all my wages
But I pay all the bills from this money.
He's very generous and is always increasing my money.
This has worked for over 24 years.
Now the kids have left home I'm quids in.

If my husband has anything spare or works overtime it's is to spend on whatever.

He also pays for holidays.

When the mortgage was reduced I caught the the financial benefit though I offered
To give the saving to him.

Does he paid for food?
And is your car tax , insurance and mot a bill?

Food and car are bills and he should pay.

What about kids clothes?

Is he treating himself to luxuries and putting it away for your future!!?

curiousthing · 13/10/2018 13:49

My DP works a lot more hours than me so obviously earns a lot more and like you I do most of the childcare (fortunately I don't pay for cc as I work in a school but weekends, before and after school plus holidays is down to me) but my money is his and vice versus. I pay some bills but my DP pays most of the bills and the more expensive ones but if I need/want money then he will give it to me and same to him. You are being emotionally and financially abused!

dirtybadger · 13/10/2018 13:52

Tbh my partner is more generous than this and we don't live together or have any kids. But he would give me money for fuel if I was skint.

This is financial abuse.

You are better off alone, both generally and financially/practically.

I initially assumed the kids weren't his and then it became clear they were. Awful! Any parent should be ashamed to carry on like that.

Good luck going to your mum's OP. Be strong, I'm sure he will start offering you the world when his free childcare and (guessing) primary cleaner, etc. disappears!

Iloveacurry · 13/10/2018 13:53

He’s a dick. All your money goes on the kids. If he wants you to work more, then perhaps he should help towards the childcare costs?!

pog100 · 13/10/2018 13:53

Several people seem to have missed your update! Well done OP I'm glad that MN, yet again, has provided the external trigger to let someone get their situation in perspective! The best of luck, I think you are going to begin to realise a lot of things wrong in that relationship.

DelphiniumBlue · 13/10/2018 13:58

He's not even paying the bills, is he, as that would include the car tax/ insurance etc that you are paying.
He is mean in all senses of th e word.
It doesn't sound as if there is any love in your relationship, and you are being financially abuse d. It does seem as if it you'd be better off without him.

user1466783975 · 13/10/2018 14:06

oh op,this is just not right. I've been married twice and all money was put in a pot(even though second husband was not my childrens father). All this 'your money,my money' seems to be a new thing and just isn't fair.If a family goes on holiday,surely the money comes out of a pot? Not 'he paid for it so I have to be forever grateful' I really hope you can sit down and discuss it with him but i8 know this is a problem for so many people as there are always threads on it

notapizzaeater · 13/10/2018 14:08

Are you renting the house? Can't see if you are Married ?

Original poster
Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 14:13

We rent our house, he has a mortgage on his old house which he lets his ex girlfriend rent, he only charges her 250 a month which covers the cost of his mortgage, she also has a daughter (not his) and if she need a anything he would bend over backwards even though she isn't his kid and her mum get a money for her from her actual dad, he didn't have any kids with her she wouldn't have any.. and to be honest I'm starting to see why! X

OP posts:
Musti · 13/10/2018 14:56

He is abusing you. I would leave him. Look at entitled to website to see how much you'd get in child and working tax credits and then based on his income how much he'd have to pay you. Or if he wants 50/50 that will mean you'll be able to work more and earn more. You're going to be so much happier and richer not living with that abusive arsehole.

ferrier · 13/10/2018 15:11

I'd worry about the ex girlfriend too ... £250 a month? That seems very cheap for a house Hmm

Regardless, I'm glad you are leaving. I doubt he will see the error of his ways but if you are keen to save the relationship but not to marry you need to get yourself earning a full time wage. Then all the bills including childcare need to be split in proportion to the amount you and partner earn. If he earns 60% of the household income he pays 60% of all the household bills. Whatever you have left after paying out for household bills is for your own personal expenditure.

Don't whatever you do be a sahm or sacrifice in any way your earning potential unless you marry.

Poisongirl81 · 13/10/2018 15:26

Please leave he is financially abusing you and his children. My oh isn't my kids dad but gives us all his wages, your oh is nasty.

dirtybadger · 13/10/2018 15:39

£250 a month covers the mortgage. Is that even possible? On a generic mortgage calculator it's over £250 for a 50k mortgage. Confused

Lolapusht · 13/10/2018 15:39

Well done OP. Leaving really is the best thing you can do, he’s not going to change and a man who doesn’t want to spend money on clothes or food for his children isn’t even worth your contempt. Before you go to your mum’s, do you have copies of bank statements/payslips? See if you can find some and take some pictures so you’ve got evidence of his income. Hope it all goes well Flowers

Original poster
Sherbet1924 · 13/10/2018 15:46

He does say he wanted get married and for us to buy a house next year, so it's not a commitment thing he is just a tight are and wants to hoard his money and watch me struggle x

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 13/10/2018 15:47

May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Leave, go to the CSA and when he starts whining tell him 'I decided that if I was going to be called names for it I might as well actually do it'.