Surely after 3 years I shouldn't still be so bloody angry

[RedTartanLass]

3 years ago I chucked my dp of 20 years out our home. He'd been cheating on most of our relationship.

He regrets it big time and would give anything to come back. We had a wonderful life, amazing kids, beautiful kids and fantastic holidays and mind blowing sex. But he's fucked up and still needed constant reassurance from various fat ugly bitches.

Anyway after some sly misdealings I managed to get various hard evidence as proof of his infidelity. I kept it to myself for days deciding what to do. I decided I could forgive him as long as he came clean and admitted he had a problem. I loved this man, I thought he was my soul made and always had my back.

Long and short he vehemently denied despite me throwing evidence in his face and I chucked him out.

He destroyed me. He broke me. I kept going for the kids. I felt my whole life with him was a lie. I felt naive and stupid and it broke me. Broke me into tiny little pieces.

He quickly found someone else, a woman who's son raped his sister (her daughter) and moved in with her. This woman doesn't work and lives in a large 3 bedroomed house so must have been rubbing her hands in glee when my ex moved in.

Sorry that was a long long back story. But I'm still so so so so fucking angry with him. He pays maintenance, more than CSA would award but less than he can afford. There is so much more to this story but suffice to say I now have 2 jobs and have 2 lodgers to help me get out the financial mess he's left me and the kids.

I can't move on lovely mumsnetters, I can't move on from this rage and bitterness. My mum had similar and I think it killed her she was so bitter. I don't want to be like that.

I don't want to be that woman that says all men are wankers. Despite the fact that my one and only bf since breaking up ended up being a two timing wanker. There's a good thread on It that might make ya giggle. Where I set up the bf with a blind date!

Please help me I don't know what to do to get rid of this bitterness. I've just sent him a long bitter text asking for his maintenance for this month. I think he loves the control, the only control he has over me.

I hate him for destroying the good life we had, I hate him for the danger he pits my kids in every time they stay over at that hell house. I just want him to die and I need some help to stop feeling such hatred.

I don't want to be that woman that says all men are wankers.

No, but you are that woman who says that all the women your DH chose to sleep with were fat ugly bitches

Yup gotta love mn always one hater who's got to hate and not support!

Yup dp chose women who were fat and ugly and bitches coz they knew he was in a relationship with young babies. Not sure what you don't understand about that!

I'm nearly two years away from my partner cheating on me with a work colleague and I'm still as angry as ever. I don't show it now but it still rears it's head in the form of crying on occasion.

I don't trust men at all now. I'd rather go without a relationship than go through all that pain and suffering again.

You say he cheated on your for most of a 20-year relationship. You seriously believe you know that every single woman he slept with knew he was in a relationship (but presumably you didn't have young babies for all those 20 years)?

I doubt it.

But the point is your bitterness and hate isn't just at him. It's at everyone. You're even slagging off the woman he is now with because she doesn't work! You know for a fact this woman's son raped his sister? Presumably he is therefore locked up? What danger are your children in by staying with your partner at this "hell hole"?

I suggest counselling to work through your anger issues

Have you had professional help? I think that might be of use to you.

He is destroying you, and still controls your emotions... you're still very angry at the people who your husband had an affair with. You don't know what he told them, and they don't owe you anything either.

I think once you've worked through everything and review your OP (in many months or longer) you'll realise where you misdirecting your anger...

And also, mentioning what happened to the daughter of your Exes new partner is absolutely out of order on a few levels. That has absolutely nothing to do with your shitty relationship. Reflect on why you mentioned that In a post about YOUR feelings...

You really need counselling. I understand how anger can spiral, I’ve been there, but you can’t keep going through life like this

You alienate anyone who's overweight reading this by using 'fat' as an insult and then wonder why people aren't overwhelming you with support

Oh god I so get you - I'm a year down though i'm not angry but still healing. Yy to counselling. Also what helped me too was a friend sending me memes. The one that stood out and helped me the most was "We can make ourselves strong or make ourselves miserable. It takes the same amount if effort."

Why do you have to ask him for his maintenance, is it not just sent automatically?

How old are the kids?

Yup counselling might help can you access through work or gp.

Don't waste your time being angry with the women

this is a really sad post for so many reasons. You sound angry, bitter and cruel. I fear you will never find happiness and contentment in your life and, perhaps worse, make life difficult for others on purpose, unless you speak to someone about this. The good thing is that I think you recognise this and are ready to look for help to allow you to live a better life.

I’m not exactly sure of the first step, but I would imagine your GP might be able to point you towards some groups.

I think some of you are missing the point, she is referring to fat, ugly bitches in a post where she is asking for help with her anger!! She knows she is angry and raging...

I get you are angry but it’s really nasty and derogatory language you are using, unattractive, gross and really doesn’t inspire me to want to give you support exactly.

I don’t know why it turns my stomach the way it does - but it does.

You didn’t have babies for 20 years
The woman he is with now - she got together with a single man.. what on Earth are you having a go about her clearly quite tragic situation (firstly surely it’s none of your business to know about this) and why would she be ‘rubbing her hands with glee’ she already had a house. Leave the new partner alone. You are going to drown in your own bitter pool of bile at this rate. The person to be angry at is DH not the women who fell for lies and charm FGS.

You need some counselling because this attitude could seriously impact your kids

Op your anger is understandable, this person ruined the perfect life you thought you had and that's key, it was an illusion he cheated on you, he chose women who maybe had low self esteem and were needy (they are less likely to blab and will tolerate shitty behaviour).

Of course you were right to mention the son of his new partner, he is in the wrong for thinking it's safe for his children to be around the aftermath of that kind of behaviour.

I've been where you are, it hurts and people who haven't been there don't understand, my advice would be to sell up and make a fresh start if there is any equity in your property, use the cash to get out of debt and make your life easier and end your dependency on this man.

During counselling when I was where you are I was given one sentence that helped me move on, I hope it will help you too.

"It takes a long long time to stop loving the person you thought was your life partner, even after the relationship has ended."

Give yourself permission to grieve for what you thought you had, harness the energy of your anger and make it into something constructive, take up a new hobby and give yourself a chance to meet nice new people who haven't been part of your past drama.

OP I also think you'd benefit from counselling or therapy to work through this.

He totally deserves your anger but the only problem is that the only person that anger is damaging is you.

Of course you were right to mention the son of his new partner, he is in the wrong for thinking it's safe for his children to be around the aftermath of that kind of behaviour.

Why? Did his new partner know what was going on? Had she hidden or defended her son for raping her daughter? If the son is in prison and the new partner is disgusted and appalled with him, why on earth would his children be unsafe in that house? Sorry, without a LOT more information, the statement as made is not relevant.

@ShatnersWig beat me to it with exactly the post I was going to write. Never mind becoming a man hater, PLEASE stop using language that reduces women to their weight and looks, we have to deal with that shit every day elsewhere, it would be nice if fellow women didn't perpetuate harmful ideas.

Yours, a fat and ugly bitch who would NEVER knowingly be sloppy seconds, thanks all the same.

Now that I've just about got past that part of your post, please go to counselling.

You can’t go around calling people fat and ugly. It’s just nasty. Him cheating on you was terrible but it’s never acceptable to insult people because of their weight or appearance.

You have to distance yourself and stop sending such long texts otherwise you are never going to get over this. Immerse yourself in your own life, find new people, new hobbies, new interests. At the moment all your energy is tied up into this rage about your ex.

But the aftermath of a rape affects everyone in a family, that's the point I was making. Imagine the accusations of Massive drip feed if she hadn't mentioned it.

@Seafour Yes. But why does that AUTOMATICALLY mean the OP's children are "in danger" in that house? Without any additional information, it comes out as a staggering over-reaction following a sly dig at the fact the woman doesn't work despite having a three-bedroomed house.

If your kids are really in danger in the ‘hell house’ then you need to address that for them.

fat ugly bitches
You’re misdirecting your anger. Imagine someone calling you or your child these disgusting names. IF these women did know your husband was married (and that’s a bit if) then yes, they have very questionable morals and probably aren’t great people but using thier physical attributes as a negative is awful.

As others have asked, have you had counselling? It doesn’t sound as if you have and it could benefit you, but obviously it’s expensive and it sounds as if it wouldn’t be affordable at the moment.

It’s ok to be angry, you’ve been through a lot and it’s ok to vent and get it out. But remember that anger and stress can be detrimental to your physical being, it can cause high blood pressure etc so it’s important to check yourself when you feel anger rising. Stop, take deep breaths (in through nose, out through mouth).

Excercise is great for expelling anger and unwanted engergy so if you can go for a run, or do a dvd.

Retrain his you think about things. The more negative you are the more negative you will get. So instead of thinking “my husband cheated, I’m unlovable I’ll die alone” thinkmy husband cheated, but I couldn’t control that situation. I can control the situation I am in now. I’m a strong person with x, y, z to offer people and I have a great support network, family and friends. My life is good” reframing the negative into a positives

It’s hard and it will get easier with time.

Give op a break jeeze. She said she needs help not being angry and bitter. She shouldnt have to lie and moderate her real feelings when she is asking for help and everyone says nasty things about people when they feel like this. You would be lying if you pretended you were a virtuous saint whenever you were angry bitter and struggling.

Op councilling is the way forward for you. I understand where you are coming from but after 3 years you are only hurting your own feelings here.