Surely after 3 years I shouldn't still be so bloody angry

[RedTartanLass]

3 years ago I chucked my dp of 20 years out our home. He'd been cheating on most of our relationship.

He regrets it big time and would give anything to come back. We had a wonderful life, amazing kids, beautiful kids and fantastic holidays and mind blowing sex. But he's fucked up and still needed constant reassurance from various fat ugly bitches.

Anyway after some sly misdealings I managed to get various hard evidence as proof of his infidelity. I kept it to myself for days deciding what to do. I decided I could forgive him as long as he came clean and admitted he had a problem. I loved this man, I thought he was my soul made and always had my back.

Long and short he vehemently denied despite me throwing evidence in his face and I chucked him out.

He destroyed me. He broke me. I kept going for the kids. I felt my whole life with him was a lie. I felt naive and stupid and it broke me. Broke me into tiny little pieces.

He quickly found someone else, a woman who's son raped his sister (her daughter) and moved in with her. This woman doesn't work and lives in a large 3 bedroomed house so must have been rubbing her hands in glee when my ex moved in.

Sorry that was a long long back story. But I'm still so so so so fucking angry with him. He pays maintenance, more than CSA would award but less than he can afford. There is so much more to this story but suffice to say I now have 2 jobs and have 2 lodgers to help me get out the financial mess he's left me and the kids.

I can't move on lovely mumsnetters, I can't move on from this rage and bitterness. My mum had similar and I think it killed her she was so bitter. I don't want to be like that.

I don't want to be that woman that says all men are wankers. Despite the fact that my one and only bf since breaking up ended up being a two timing wanker. There's a good thread on It that might make ya giggle. Where I set up the bf with a blind date!

Please help me I don't know what to do to get rid of this bitterness. I've just sent him a long bitter text asking for his maintenance for this month. I think he loves the control, the only control he has over me.

I hate him for destroying the good life we had, I hate him for the danger he pits my kids in every time they stay over at that hell house. I just want him to die and I need some help to stop feeling such hatred.

Hi OP have you ever heard of the change/grief/loss curve? Try googling some images of it, explains very simply what stages people go through after a loss or change. One of the stages is anger. It's perfectly normal to feel this way, you are in a process. Have faith that you will eventually get to the 'acceptance' part when you're ready, especially as you are clearly emotionally aware enough to know you don't want to get stuck in the anger phase forever. Do some self care whenever you can (whatever that might be - being with friends, exercise, writing a journal etc) and know you will move into the next phase soon.

When I was still feeling angry a year on after my split with my oaf of an ex, I decided it was time to start digging. It didn’t feel like me, I resented him taking up space in my head.

What I basically unpicked was that I was mostly angry with myself. Tbh, I knew who he was. I look at things I wrote when we first met and I knew. But I was young and made excuses.

It took that realisation, and a lot of work on myself personally, before I started to forgive myself and indeed work out what kept me there.

You’re dealing with intense betrayal, but different from my experience (he was just a dick ;) ). I think it’s time to get curious and do a bit of delving as to how you can get unstuck. That might be counselling, or maybe personal development stuff?

As a related tangent, I’ve been listening to the audio book the marshmallow test recently and it’s suggesting that what might be helpful is developing skills to put some emotional distance around the events. That can be replaying the events as if you’re a fly on the wall rather than from your perspective for example. Evidence is rehashing them from your subjectivity will fuel the stress/ hot/ angry response you’re struggling with.

RedTartan, I read an e-mail from my ex to his OW in which he told her that he didn't want to marry me 15 years previously, and I made him do it with my wily female ways. And that when we met 5 years before that, we just somehow ended up in bed together (kind of out of boredom or something I think?!). All complete bollocks, clearly! But this year (4 years later) the divorce came through, then we had a cup of coffee together and chatted about the kids. Recently I heard that she and my ex broke up because she was sleeping with other men behind his back. I can't even be bothered to gloat. They all clearly just have their issues. Fortunately I'm well out of there.

Anyway after some sly misdealings I managed to get various hard evidence as proof of his infidelity. I kept it to myself for days deciding what to do. I decided I could forgive him as long as he came clean and admitted he had a problem. I loved this man, I thought he was my soul made and always had my back.

This is your problem, the horrible bastard even though you had decided to forgive him still lied and cheated and you had to chuck him out. So basically even though you were willing to forgive him because you loved him and didn't want your life to fall apart, he didn't love you enough to respect you and tell the truth and work on it. He just took the easy way out of moving in with someone else who you now feel is having the life you should have had. She probably is, he is probably cheating on her as well.

I think you need to understand that you loved this man and he definitely was not worth your love. Try if you can to love yourself instead, because he definitely isn't worth any of your thoughts/emotions or time.

I don't know what else to say except I understand why you are calling the other women names you are just giving a name to the women that he cheated with not meaning any actual person. It makes you feel better. It does not mean that all fat ugly women are awful or that you even see over women as fat and ugly, but as others have said you need to direct your anger on to him not them.

OP it’s one thing being bitter and angry but that doesn’t excuse calling these women fat and ugly

They probably didn’t even know your husband was married. So why insult them?? Besides they couldn’t have been that unattractive considering your husband repeatedly slept with them..

Their looks and weight have NOTHING to do with what your husband has done. Infact the women themselves have nothing to do with it really. The fact is, he chose to sleep with other women behind your back so whether they were slim, fat, beautiful or ‘ugly’ to you doesn’t matter.

Even if they did know he was married - so what? He had a choice, he still chose to repeatedly cheat.

You say you don’t want to be so angry and bitter - you already are! It doesn’t make someone a ‘hater’ for pointing out how horrible that line of yours was.

I would highly recommend counselling.

Omg I actually can't believe some of the replies on here,"don't call fellow women names",wtf???,seriously people calling the OP out for calling the OW names,women that knew fine well he was married with babies and still went there?,really?,why shouldn't she be angry with these women?,they knew he was married ffs!!!,
And I know you're all going to say "they never made a commitment to her",like that makes it ok?,the men are worse by far but these "women" aren't bloody innocent.
My H cheated on me years and years ago and guess what?,the dirty,skinny,ugly,whore of a cunt is nothing but a fucking cum bag!!!,I'm more than aware that he is far far worse than her and he's been called far far worse,but I'll never ever,ever stop calling her names,she knew she was coming into my home,fucking my husband in my bed and I hope they both rot,and this was years ago and I'm seriously not bitter or jealous(I know you're going to say I obviously am)but really I never think of it now and I'm really pleased it happened in a way but I won't ever think that I shouldn't have called the OW any names.

The place you need to get to is a place of being in control. From what you have written, you seem reluctant to take control of your feelings or responses.

When you found out he cheated, you gave him the control to save the relationship by setting the secret test. Which he was bound to fail. The final lie wasn’t the issue, the years of cheating were. Your anger is heightened because you were prepared to stay with him if he passed the test.

The money is interesting. After a number of years to have not agreed a direct debit or standing order is odd given that he willingly pay more than he needs to. In your position I would just give him the choice of setting one up or going through the CMS for the basic, so I didn’t have to ask. He could then pay the extra as irregularly as he wants. Why continue with an arrangement that keeps you both in contact over a potentially contentious issue. One or both of you is keeping this connection open. It is easy to resolve and doesn’t need long texts which clearly upset you. End this now by going through CMS if he won’t set up a standing order.

It is also interesting that you live in a house big enough for 2 lodgers but which you can’t afford. Why? It would surely be easier to downsize and you would get away from the memories if this is the house you shared. Is there a reason for keeping such a big house. Does he have a financial interest in it ? Is this another connection.

Essentially OP you need to find a way to manage your responses to him and anybody else who angers you. Be angry but don’t behave badly. It’s counterproductive and actually unacceptable particularly if habitual. The first step would be to accept that anger doesn’t justify bad behaviour and that you want to stop it.

The “fat”calling issue on here is quite a good example. Yes, you have a right to be angry about the behaviour of some women. But other women who have done nothing have told you it’s offensive. Your response is I am angry and I will say what I feel even if it offends you and “I won’t lie”. Fine, but the upshot is that you have alienated people from whom you solicited help. Cue a cycle of added anger for you, not for them as they have left.

The correct response was to apologise for any offence even if you didn’t want to apologise. Then people would be happy to help and then you would feel better. Mimic good behaviour even if it isn’t your first instinct.

So yes you need some CBT, try books if you can’t afford it. At the same time reconcile that the relationship is dead and sever any ties other than those connected with childcare. Plan a new future in a home you can afford rather than fixating on his current life.

The problem is that you're using 'fat' as a synonym for 'bad', so yeah, you're insulting people reading this directly and any woman in general, not just the women you were talking about. Fat isn't bad, at all. Why do you expect special treatment - if you attack people they will attack back, what's hard to understand

Focussing on the physical attributes of these women is only fuelling the rage. Op is saying to the world why would he cheat on me with fat and ugly women, as if it would only be ‘worth it’ if they were thin and beautiful. It’s dismissive, as if fat and ugly women are unworthy

He still cheated regardless and perhaps they had personalities he liked. Cheating isn’t about what people look like. Your narrative is telling you that he was obviously attracting desperate fat ugly old women who he could use for a shag - we are trying to tell you perhaps he lied to vulnerable lonely women? HE is the one who has done this. Perhaps those women were also hurt. He’s the perpetrator

Anyone who has a vitriolic personality like yours - lashing out and branding people fat and ugly in a dismissive way isn’t anyone I would want to be around and I think it’s holding you back immensely being stuck in this mindset

Just because you are angry no it doesn’t make shaming other women ok. Ever.

@LadySadie1 derogatory language is something women want to move away from. Men have been doing it long enough do you really need to join in with that? Bitch, slag, ugly, fat. It’s just a really immature ignorant response to anger or pain to instantly resort to insults.

Bad things happen to good people. And to nasty people. You sound very nasty. It is hard to feel empathy when you fat shame people and treat a child being raped as an excellent point to score. Yuk. Just yuk. Your poor kids.

Plus, fat and ugly are, to a certain extent, in the eye of the beholder. A person's ugly personality, on the other hand, is there for all to see.

@DisrespectfulAdultFemale

Agree
You made the point more eloquently than I

If you want some advice and support I think people will give it but you need to lose the insults. And that is our advice

OP, if you can no longer afford therapy, Google IAPT and your area/town: you can now self-refer to the NHS

I think OP is just hurting and is lashing out with the 'fat ugly bitches' comment. Even if the women were models, she wouldn't be saying 'beautiful stunning women'

I obviously don't agree with the term, but she's hurt that the man who she committed her life to and had children with betrayed her like that.

As PPs have said, she knows that she's still angry. The anger is misdirected, OP. The women don't owe you anything, your H was the perpetrator.

I hope you get the help that you need.

I don’t think she does recognise what she said was wrong because she angrily came back to defend her choice to freely use that language as she feels entitled to under the circumstances .

Problem is we have quite a lot of an entitlement problem in the world with humans using their rage and frustration as an excuse to dismiss people insult them or behave badly. We all teach our kids not to retaliate don’t we? So we should follow our own example.

I absolutely hate seeing language like that seen as acceptable and excused and defended. How will OP ever become a better calmer person if no one points out how to get there?

I think OP is just hurting and is lashing out with the 'fat ugly bitches' comment. Even if the women were models, she wouldn't be saying 'beautiful stunning women'

And is she just lashing out, using the rape of her daughter, by her son as proof of how scummy his new partner is? Your son commiting a crime makes you a lesser person? It's ok to use rape to make you feel better than someone else?

Aw stop with the therapy stuff - OP is working 2 jobs and has lodgers, telling her to go and book herself into something that's gonna set her back £45+ PER HOUR as the only way forward is not going to help

The NHS will prescribe 6 weeks of CBT.

OP, it is absolutely normal to think the way you are thinking, to feel what you are feeling. every emotion you are experiencing is 100% valid - lash out at it all, it IS all so unfair! you didn't do this, didn't cause this and didn't choose it.

Yes you know lashing out at them isn't going to do anything of any worth to make you feel any better, and yes to what Cawfee said, don't let your anger at HIM turn you into 'that woman'

The only advice i have is to allow yourself the anger, feel the anger, express it and then let it go. it hurts you to hold it and it's not worth it.

All you can do is to be the best version of yourself, to be the person you can be and to deal with the deal you have been dealt in the best way possible to get through the other side and LIVE your life.

He has stolen enough from you, now you have to take your life back and step one is letting him go, keeping him out of your head so that you have more space for yourself and people who love you.

Op, you need someone to talk to who won’t judge. If you can’t afford counselling, check out the various self help things pps have listed and look for local therapy groups.
I understand why you are so angry. Watching your mum go through similar, then managing to trust a man enough to commit, then have him do the exact same thing to you would be too much for most people. Especially when it affects your dcs.

Don’t worry about the unhelpful comments on here. You need to get the anger out somehow. Talk to your GP too. .

OP, I haven't time to read all the other responses, so apologies if I repeat what others have said.

OP, please understand that this anger you feel is part of a grief process, which is normal. BUT it is easy to get stuck in anger, and it sounds like this is what has happened to you. Anger is a powerful emotion that gives energy, and if you aren't careful it can eat you up.

Anger that you don't deal with will be detrimental to YOUR health, your future - it is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

It also keeps the emotional attachment to your ex alive and kicking, and enables him to exert the control that you resent so much.

Anger is also usually an expression of something else, another emotion underneath. It could be fear, or deep frustration with yourself for having put up with this for so long.

My first question to you is what is underneath your anger? What is the underlying emotion?

I think what my ex and his knowing OW did is low. They deserve him.

Good people don't behave the way they have.

Whilst my Ex cheated, many of his OW knew he had a child and partner at home. Maybe he lied to them and they believed his lies or chose to believe the lies.

I have a lot of anger and bitterness but I will not be reduced to their level. I am a better person. I will not get involved with another man until I can be sure I won't end up damaging them.

You don't just have anger issues you have a bloody massive self-esteem issue too, by my reckoning.

Time to move on after three years or you'll spend the next twenty becoming a bitter, twisted and ultimately unloveable shell of a person consumed from the inside by your own sad thought processes and a persona that will repel.

Time to take stock. And whilst you haven't exactly endeared yourself to me, (five feet tall and with a 'wide load' sticker on my bicycle xx), go to your library and find a book or two to help you start the process of moving forward.

Did he keep all his cheating from you for 20 years and you had no clue?
None at all?

I really feel for you, i can feel how angry you are just from your post.
Is there any that you really really enjoy at all? Sounds silly but if you like doing your nails for example can you do a one night a week course or something? Just to give you something else to focus on?
What about learning another language? or even a revenge body?
My ex cheated on me and it was going on for a while and i was none the wiser, however as it turned out quite a few people i worked with knew as we both worked in the same industry. We were only together 5 years and it took me nearly as long to be completely over it. I ended up training to go a trek across the great wall of China and then did a course in something i was interested in (not nails) and a few other things that interested me. I'd forgotten all about him until FB reminded we about a memory