Surely after 3 years I shouldn't still be so bloody angry

[RedTartanLass]

3 years ago I chucked my dp of 20 years out our home. He'd been cheating on most of our relationship.

He regrets it big time and would give anything to come back. We had a wonderful life, amazing kids, beautiful kids and fantastic holidays and mind blowing sex. But he's fucked up and still needed constant reassurance from various fat ugly bitches.

Anyway after some sly misdealings I managed to get various hard evidence as proof of his infidelity. I kept it to myself for days deciding what to do. I decided I could forgive him as long as he came clean and admitted he had a problem. I loved this man, I thought he was my soul made and always had my back.

Long and short he vehemently denied despite me throwing evidence in his face and I chucked him out.

He destroyed me. He broke me. I kept going for the kids. I felt my whole life with him was a lie. I felt naive and stupid and it broke me. Broke me into tiny little pieces.

He quickly found someone else, a woman who's son raped his sister (her daughter) and moved in with her. This woman doesn't work and lives in a large 3 bedroomed house so must have been rubbing her hands in glee when my ex moved in.

Sorry that was a long long back story. But I'm still so so so so fucking angry with him. He pays maintenance, more than CSA would award but less than he can afford. There is so much more to this story but suffice to say I now have 2 jobs and have 2 lodgers to help me get out the financial mess he's left me and the kids.

I can't move on lovely mumsnetters, I can't move on from this rage and bitterness. My mum had similar and I think it killed her she was so bitter. I don't want to be like that.

I don't want to be that woman that says all men are wankers. Despite the fact that my one and only bf since breaking up ended up being a two timing wanker. There's a good thread on It that might make ya giggle. Where I set up the bf with a blind date!

Please help me I don't know what to do to get rid of this bitterness. I've just sent him a long bitter text asking for his maintenance for this month. I think he loves the control, the only control he has over me.

I hate him for destroying the good life we had, I hate him for the danger he pits my kids in every time they stay over at that hell house. I just want him to die and I need some help to stop feeling such hatred.

My ExW cheated on me and the best revenge I can have is living my life the way I want, being successful and being happy. That's the ultimate revenge. If she ever came to me and said she wanted to try again my answer would be short and to the point...NO, hell no!!

I think it’s relevant that the new partners son raped his sister. I would not want any child of mine living with a person who had done that.

OP your anger is understandable. Calling the women your ex slept with fat and ugly bitches is understandable also actually, you’re not calling every woman that, just the women your ex slept with.

OP I think the only way to move forward for you would be to get financial advice and work out how to get out of the financial mess your ex has left you in. Speak to step change I think they’ll be a good place to start.

Would you’ve able to find a new place if you sold your current house?
Also you say your ex gives you maintenance would he if you asked to split the debt to help take care of any of the financial debt?

Secondly look into getting counselling, altho that is really hard and expensive. Start with your GP.

Are you claiming all benefits you’re entitled to? Double check, maybe go to citizens advice for help with that?

I think as your situation eases and you come out of the crap your ex left you in you’ll find it easier to start letting go of the anger. Right now you’re suffering as a direct consequence of your ex’s behaviour so you are still understandably angry.

Take one day at a time and take a look at how you can sort out the debts he’s left behind first. Once finances are in order it is much easier to be all forgiving!

I would not want any child of mine living with a person who had done that.

I would agree with you. But where does the OP say this person is still living in that house? If it's fact that he raped his sister and for some reason he isn't locked away, she has a point.

I agree with councilling - had it on finding out about my exh affair.

It helped me move on and I couldn’t give a flying fuck about what he is up to now.

you’re not calling every woman that, just the women your ex slept with.
If you're still here, OP ... you know for yourself that "even" calling these particular women rude names online does not make you feel good about yourself. For your own sense of self-worth, go and see your GP, get some professional help. All this raging is doing is making you feel worse - and you're right, that level of obsession is unusual. Maybe you are depressed.

RedTartanLass, it's still very early days in the scheme of things because you were together a very long time and had a family.

He behaved badly and you're entitled to be angry. However you will come to terms with it in time, I promise you, and you'll remember the good times. He's the loser! Try to be cordial for the sake of your children who love you both.

Good luck, good health and have a good life - and please keep posting because you're interesting and there's so much potential in you!

OP you can't move on from this while you still allow him to have control over you ie you having to ask him for maintenance every month.
For the sake of your mental health get it through the CSA/CMS. You may receive less money than at present but you'll be able to greatly reduce contact with, and dependence on, your ex.
How old are your DC?
Do they see their father?

Yup dp chose women who were fat and ugly and bitches coz they knew he was in a relationship with young babies. Not sure what you don't understand about that!

DP also knew he was in a relationship with young babies. Why insult them and not him ?

I know why you are angry, but you need to deal with that anger or it will poison you. My ex was unfaithful for every year of our marriage so yes I do know what you have experienced. But its time to move on . Get some counselling and get your life back.

Your ex sounds appalling. But frankly, using someone else's rape to score points, so do you.

I am confused. Are you saying that even though you split up 3 years ago, he shouldn't be seeing anyone else, because he regrets his past actions?

Or he should only sleep with women you find acceptable? Or that women you decide are fat, ugly or bitches shouldn't be having sex, with a single man?

Are you also saying his new partner doesn't deserve to have a partner because her son commited an horrendous crime? Really?

What relevance does your ex's 'type' have to do with this? What relevance is the crime that her son commited to do with anything?

You sound awful and obsessed with your ex, you need help. I don't want to sound awful. But you genuinely need some help.

Also you need to explain more about the financial mess. You have 2 jobs, 2 lodgers and CMS and yet are in a mess.

There has to be something you can sort with that.

Listen to llangennith - my ex and I were reasonably cordial with one another, but it was still stressful having to contact him about money. Sort that out properly.

Are you living in a way that is too expensive for your current situation? Saying to yourself that you are not moving/changing schools/whatever just because your ex was unfaithful? Understandable if so, but if you do that then you are essentially making your ex a huge part of your life - making it impossible for you to forget him. It may be time to swallow your pride and build a new life of your own, that does not have anything to do with him. That is also nice.

@redtartanlass
I am sure that counselling would be very helpful for you. My gut instinct is this nasty and bitter script you are living by is the one modelled to you by your Mum. The very fact she went through similar may have Even set you up to find a relationship with that risk of failing in the same way. We repeat patterns in our lives- especially those we haven’t identified. You have children- so please break this cycle before your children end up cynical nasty bitter women or cheating arsehole men.

You really need counselling to try and work out this anger.

Why are you having to phone him for maintenance e? This needs sorting - it needs to be automatic, not giving him the control.

constant reassurance from various fat ugly bitches

No sympathy for you, OP.

@RedTartanLass your anger literally jumps off the screen. You really need to deal with it, its physically and mentally unhealthy and a terrible drain on your energy. Is your ex really worth all that anger?
You'd benefit from counselling and/or the freedom programme alongside some exercise to redirect your energy.

OP. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to be bitter BUT do not let him turn you into that person. If you do, he’s won right? You’ve got to make lemonade out of lemons now. Get some CBT. Seek out help. Yoga, meditation, counselling, hypnotherapy...go do all of it! There are amazing online YouTube videos of all that stuff now. Go improve yourself. Do CSA for maintenance because you hate he has control. Ok it may be less but if you can manage, do it. That takes away the control. Breathe a sigh of relief. Means you don’t have to text him about that stuff anymore. The rapist stuff. Did he get convicted? Go see a solicitor about that because you have genuine concerns about your children’s safety. Seek an order that prevents them going to that house. It’s ok to be bitter but to just rant and not take practical steps to problem solve is just destroying your mental health. Write yourself a list of things you can do to sort yourself out and remember the phrase “the best revenge is to be happy” you start being proud of yourself. You discovered his infidelity. You dealt with it. You were true to yourself. You didn’t just suck it up. You are living an honest life. He’s now taking second best and living with the knowledge his wandering dick ruined what he had. You can’t control what he does, you can only control the way you react to it.

So I'm asking for help for being angry and bitter and you're attacking me for being angry and bitter.

Dear god what happened to the mumsnet I knew and loved. Remember now why I left for all those years.

So I'm not allowed to say that the woman he cheated me with are fat and ugly. In case I offend fat and ugly women? What the fuck!! Would it have been ok to say he'd been cheating on me with slim and beautiful women? Is that acceptable in this PC mumsnet?! How do you know I'm not fat and ugly?

Jeeezus!

Thanks for those posters that have been sadly been in the same position and understand my anger, and offered advice. I have tried counselling but .... can't now afford it. I have children to feed.

He pays most of his money to the woman he now lives with and her family, as she doesn't work.

Cawfee your post made me cry! This person isn't me! I want me back! Thanks to the others too for their support.

I'm not an angry and bitter person normally. But finding out that 20 years of your life was a fucking lie, knocked me for six. Every single memory I have is a lie! Every ... single .. one!

Thanks @Seafour! You understand!
, that's what I need a good talking to :)

How about you don't refer to what the women look like at all. It's not relevant. You only said it as an insult to them, not to better describe the situation to us.

I think it’s horrible to express your anger by using nasty personal insults. Yes. Even if you are hurt it’s undignified and just unpleasant. Would you want your D.C. to grow up to think it is ok? It’s not setting a good example and just fuelling your anger. This was 3 years ago and you are still in this extremely angry state - you need help

I found psychoanalysis helped me to move on and to clear my head of anger and a sense of injustice. It helped me to understand why I felt that way and that it was completely justified!

Expensive, but I've reaped the benefits since. It's changed my life.

People need to back off. This is an anonymous forum where op needs to be able to freely express herself and her emotions not have her language policed by people.determined to be offended by someone in a bad head space. Its not like op is calling people fat and ugly to their face.

Honestly op some of us get it. Dont be afraid to keep saying what you really feel. You will get over this eventually but you need to seek real life support from someone qualified.

I think you still love him.
The only reason why you would still be so bitter and cruel. It's not his new partners fault. It also isn't the fault of all the "fat ugly bitches" he slept with.
To send him a long, aggressive text message about maintenance even though he pays you more than enough already just shows that whatever the man does you will find something to try and have some form of control over him.
Get over it and move on, it's been 3 years. A long time to be bitter. If he was as bad as you say he was then you've had a lucky escape.