I don't know what to do.

[UnconditionalConditions]

I have NC as this is incredibly outing.

I'm posting here because I really don't know where to turn and I feel like each day I feel lower and lower.

I met my ex a few years ago, we were both early 20s. I thought he was perfect, he was thoughtful, kind, caring, affectionate, my family adored him and he them. He would surprise me with trips away, plan things for me, go out of his way to spend time with me and we generally had quite a good life.

Until 8 months in we got back from our holiday and out of the blue he dumped me. I was upset but I got my things, gave him a hug, said goodbye and left. I didn't contact him. Two days later I had a message, saying how sorry he was and asking to meet up to talk. I said we could, in a few days. Days later he messaged again saying he was so ill that he couldn't go into work, he missed me so much etc and could he pick me up. I agreed and things got back on track quite quickly, although I never forgot.

Things went well for another few months and we moved in together. Our relationship went downhill rapidly but at this time we had a few animals, I was deeply in love and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Throughout the time we lived together he treated me like shit and broke up with me regularly. He would disappear for days, ignore me, get angry when I cried/tried to talk to him and generally behave like an absolute dick. But, he'd always come back and apologise and I'd fall for it (although not really) and try again. I knew I was the only one trying.

A few months ago I was in bed one night when I heard the door close and the gate go. He left. Literally, that was it, no clothes, no belongings, no discussion. 3 years, all apparently nothing. I didn't hear from him. 5 days later i left his house and thought maybe I'd never hear from him again. Months later he emailed me an apology. We then had no contact for a few months until a while later he got in touch again, asking to meet up. Stupidly I agreed and he said he wanted to try again.

Since then we have been in a cycle of texting, arguing, ignoring, talking, not talking, trying, not trying etc. I am exhausted, it has made me ill and I just cannot cope. I know that is dramatic but between him leaving me in such a horrendous way and then ghosting me for months, moving house, getting a new job etc I just don't know who I am anymore.

I am more angry at myself, why do I allow myself to be treated like this? I am/was a confident, strong person with a big heart, my family would describe me as opinionated, wilful, stubborn etc but I feel they don't know me at all, I am weak now.

He plays with my head and each day I can feel more and more of myself fading, I have no self respect. I KNOW I need to block him and move on. I know he doesn't love me. He doesn't really want me, he just wants me to want him. I have to beg him to reply to me, he will not acknowledge any hurt he causes me. Last night I was upset and I'd been crying for a good hour or so. I messaged him and asked if he could text me as I was feeling down and needed him. He replied saying I'm daft and he's going to sleep now. He doesn't care about me and logically I know that. My family/friends don't know I am back in contact with him (there has been previous abuse - which they know little of) and I feel like I'm in a washing machine on a fast cycle, my head is whirring and spinning.

I tried to ignore him a few days ago and in 2 days I had 40 messages, 20 calls, voice notes (saying the most vile things you could ever imagine) etc and I STILL caved. I felt bad. I clearly forgot about the hundreds of times he'd ignore me and I'd plead for just one reply to say he was alive.

I am so sorry for this being so long! There is obviously a lot more to it, I could go on forever.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just need to be told what to do and how to do it. Well, I know what to do... I just don't know how I can ever give up on him/us, even though he did years ago? I'm still in my early 20s, I KNOW there is someone out there who would treat me with the love and respect I have always given ex. I need to reach breaking point, but how?

Thank you so much.

Why aren't you already at breaking point? Where's your self respect? You say you're early 20s, so how much more of your life are you going to waste? No one can do it for you OP. You should be out there enjoying yourself, not moping over this waste of space loser!

Take the blinders off and block this sociopath out of your life completely. The only answer there is is for you to take control of your life and move on. You know he's a total fuckwit who takes pleasure in fucking with you. What other proof do you need?

He’s so abusive.

Imagine spending your whole life with him.
Do you want dc one day? Imagine having children with him? Imagine how awful their life would be with a father like him?

You are caught in a destructive cycle. Each time, you lose a bit more self confidence, a bit more self respect, a bit more inner strength.
You need to break the cycle.
It won’t be easy - habits are hard to break.
I would start by deleting his details from your phone. Set up a block on his number. Same on email. Block him on FB if he is there.
Do you have any good friends or close family? Get them to help.
Ask yourself why you would want to have anything to do with someone who has consistently treated you like dirt.
Ask yourself what advice you would give if you saw another MNetter post something like this.
Ask yourself what you would do if you saw your daughter / friend caught in a relationship like this.

You need the mum who took the phone off her daughter and didn’t allow her to contact her stupid ex.

Block the number.
Block him now.

Have some self respect and think about what you would say to your daughter if she was going through this.

I don't know why I'm not at breaking point, I can't understand what has happened to me. He truly is the most manipulative abusive arsehole I've ever met, but oh so perfect on the outside. I'm the only person who has had the displeasure to meet the real him, he has a believable facade/mask/persona that he uses with everyone else.

He is physically and emotionally abusive and I know this. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Yes, I would love DC one day and I know, I could never have one with him. I know he'd walk out and leave for weeks and then come back expecting everything to be fine. Then shout and call me a stupid/fat/ugly cunt/dickhead/twat if I dare cry and try to explain how I feel, because me crying is me being manipulative.

I am exhausted.

My family have been incredibly supportive but they don't know I'm back in contact with him. I really don't want to tell them, I don't want them seeing me as this person, in a different light. I don't want to let them down because before I met up with him I was doing so well.

I know exactly what I'd tell someone going through this situation.
Blocking him is just so hard because I always think of just one more thing I can say to him... I know that's an excuse and I need to just do it. I just panic massively and think I can't live my life without him. I wish he would block me and leave me, then I wouldn't have regrets or feel responsible.

You can do it. You do not want to be with him, he is not the father of your future children. Make sure your actions follow. Keep yourself busy, concentrate on finding you again, you without him.

Thank you everyone.

I need to do it. I am good at keeping busy. Right now I wait for his reply and I get so anxious, I can't concentrate on anything. I am constantly looking at my phone, feeling sick, thinking he is ignoring me again (he used to leave for work and not come home for days and he would ignore my messages) and it sucks the joy out of everything in my life. I can't relax. I need to take the control back and control my own life/happiness.

Just block him now. You know it’s what you need to do to ensure you break the cycle and can go on and have a happier life.

Only you can do this.

OP, please block him on everything and never ever speak to that horrible excuse for a human being again.
You will always have something new to tell him, but keep in mind that it doesn't mean anything to him, so what's the point?
Nothing you say can change him. And you can most definitely live your life without him.
Just break the cycle. You can do it. If you can't do it alone, ask a good friend to be there for you when you feel weak.
Anything is better than this. You owe it to yourself.

You're in love with the idea of him. It's not a mutual loving relationship.

Cut him off and set yourself free.

That sounds horribly condependent. Have you thought about doing the Freedom Program?

OP, you don't have to live like his. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Life is short. Please don't waste another day on this abusive arse. You can totally do this.

There’s nothing wrong with you other than you want love and acceptance and companionship! The only thing broken in your life is that miserable excuse for a human! It’s so hard to block someone you loved but you can’t love anyone until you love yourself first. If you have to get a new phone number and/or phone so he will stop contacting you and give yourself time and space. If you can get counseling if possible

OP grab a stiff drink and down it, then delete and block him. All you have done is delete reality, the horrid man. The fantasy that is causing you so much grief and that you are in love with still exists in your head, nothing has changed in that respect. Once the man you have projected that onto is off your contacts, you just have to concentrate on bursting that bubble and the good news is all of that is self made by you and in your hands to crush and destroy.You can do it, the key is that the man is not your fantasy, get rid of him and think about it

For Christ's sake don't give any more time to someone who calls you such awful names. My XH and I didn't get on (obv as he's XH) but he never even called me a bitch in 19 years. No one has. Life really doesn't have to be this way.

Get therapy

It's almost as if you are seeking approval from this relationship
You won't get it
And you don't need it
He's a joke

Laugh at at his attempts to control you (in your head not to him)

Fill your life with enjoyable stuff.
Really you have not got time for this drama lama.

You don't need his validation
You're already good enough

Do you feel validated by your family?

Could you book a two week holiday for yourself (Alone or with a friend). Leave your phone at home. Just take a cheap one with emergency contact numbers on?

It would give you time away to think and get your head together without him intruding your thoughts.

Thank you everyone for all of your completely valid and kind thoughts.

I did the freedom programme for 2/3 weeks but it just wasn't for me. I felt like in some ways he was the opposite to all of the abusers. For example, he would do absolutely everything around the house, was not controlling/possessive/jealous, didn't pressure me into sex etc. And I know they're all different, it's just that I felt like the odd one out and didn't get to say much because my experiences were so different. One lady actually said why have I left him, he sounds ace (helping around the house) and I should get back with him! Another said i look so different to everyone else and happy that she can't believe I'm here.

To be honest, I am used to it all, the names don't shock me anymore. The first time he swore at me I couldn't believe it and he was so apologetic. Obviously me staying with him allowed him to continue to treat me this way.

My family are wonderful, really healthy, supportive relationships. That's why I don't know how I got into this relationship (and stayed) I also don't know why he is the way he is and I wish I knew, his family are all lovely, his dad/grandads would never treat someone the way he treats me. I've obviously let him think it's acceptable.

I don't feel really to block him yet. He didn't reply to my message yesterday and he has just sent me a selfie of himself before work. I won't reply.

The sooner you cut all contact with the loser the better. Woman up and stop engaging with him.

Have a read of Lundy Bancroft. Seek RL help with why you put up with way too much shit.

OP, please look up trauma bonding / Stockholm Syndrome. It might make sense to you and help you get away from him.

You need to block him. On everything. You cannot move on when he is still able to message you. He is a cruel bastard and he is doing this deliberately. He knows exactly what he is doing. You will never figure out why he is the way he is. He just IS. That is him.

You deserve more. You know that. He doesn’t deserve you.

Block him.

Contact Womens Aid and enrole on their Freedom Programme as a matter of urgency.
Try to attend a local course in person.
Bend down, pick your self-respect up off of the floor and block this abusive prick from your life.
Just block him.
This is so easy to solve but you are loving the drama.
Why?
What was your childhood like for you to have such little respect for yourself?

Get some counselling as well.
Womens Aid can also help with recommendations in your local area for this.
You are young with your whole life ahead of you.

Google:-
Co-dependency
Narcissistic personality disorder
Sociopath
Psychopath

Also buy the book - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.
Get a grip of your life and stop hurting yourself in this way.

BLOCK - IGNORE - DELETE
It really is that easy, if you want it to be.

The person who can help you here is you. You are the one that needs to block him and stop replying. If you don't do that this will never end.

You are going to mourn the loss of this relationship for a long time, even though it was a horrible, abusive relationship. Unfortunately there is no way to avoid that pain, however illogical it is. I think you keep going back to him to avoid that pain. Accept the pain of the break up, knowing that each day it will ease and a year or so down the line the line it may be over. Each time you get in touch with him you are just postponing the inevitable and putting your life on hold and subjecting yourself to more abuse.

In a couple of years you will look back with such relief at the day you put a stop to this.