I don't know what to do.

[UnconditionalConditions]

I have NC as this is incredibly outing.

I'm posting here because I really don't know where to turn and I feel like each day I feel lower and lower.

I met my ex a few years ago, we were both early 20s. I thought he was perfect, he was thoughtful, kind, caring, affectionate, my family adored him and he them. He would surprise me with trips away, plan things for me, go out of his way to spend time with me and we generally had quite a good life.

Until 8 months in we got back from our holiday and out of the blue he dumped me. I was upset but I got my things, gave him a hug, said goodbye and left. I didn't contact him. Two days later I had a message, saying how sorry he was and asking to meet up to talk. I said we could, in a few days. Days later he messaged again saying he was so ill that he couldn't go into work, he missed me so much etc and could he pick me up. I agreed and things got back on track quite quickly, although I never forgot.

Things went well for another few months and we moved in together. Our relationship went downhill rapidly but at this time we had a few animals, I was deeply in love and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Throughout the time we lived together he treated me like shit and broke up with me regularly. He would disappear for days, ignore me, get angry when I cried/tried to talk to him and generally behave like an absolute dick. But, he'd always come back and apologise and I'd fall for it (although not really) and try again. I knew I was the only one trying.

A few months ago I was in bed one night when I heard the door close and the gate go. He left. Literally, that was it, no clothes, no belongings, no discussion. 3 years, all apparently nothing. I didn't hear from him. 5 days later i left his house and thought maybe I'd never hear from him again. Months later he emailed me an apology. We then had no contact for a few months until a while later he got in touch again, asking to meet up. Stupidly I agreed and he said he wanted to try again.

Since then we have been in a cycle of texting, arguing, ignoring, talking, not talking, trying, not trying etc. I am exhausted, it has made me ill and I just cannot cope. I know that is dramatic but between him leaving me in such a horrendous way and then ghosting me for months, moving house, getting a new job etc I just don't know who I am anymore.

I am more angry at myself, why do I allow myself to be treated like this? I am/was a confident, strong person with a big heart, my family would describe me as opinionated, wilful, stubborn etc but I feel they don't know me at all, I am weak now.

He plays with my head and each day I can feel more and more of myself fading, I have no self respect. I KNOW I need to block him and move on. I know he doesn't love me. He doesn't really want me, he just wants me to want him. I have to beg him to reply to me, he will not acknowledge any hurt he causes me. Last night I was upset and I'd been crying for a good hour or so. I messaged him and asked if he could text me as I was feeling down and needed him. He replied saying I'm daft and he's going to sleep now. He doesn't care about me and logically I know that. My family/friends don't know I am back in contact with him (there has been previous abuse - which they know little of) and I feel like I'm in a washing machine on a fast cycle, my head is whirring and spinning.

I tried to ignore him a few days ago and in 2 days I had 40 messages, 20 calls, voice notes (saying the most vile things you could ever imagine) etc and I STILL caved. I felt bad. I clearly forgot about the hundreds of times he'd ignore me and I'd plead for just one reply to say he was alive.

I am so sorry for this being so long! There is obviously a lot more to it, I could go on forever.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just need to be told what to do and how to do it. Well, I know what to do... I just don't know how I can ever give up on him/us, even though he did years ago? I'm still in my early 20s, I KNOW there is someone out there who would treat me with the love and respect I have always given ex. I need to reach breaking point, but how?

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Yeah, if a stranger on the street did similar no way would I roll over and take it, I'm a strong, confident person, which is obviously quite the oxymoron!

Wow, I bet the trip to Peru was amazing and life changing.
My friend lives in another country and I keep contemplating flying to her, I couldn't take too long off due to work, but just for a little break.

Have kept super busy the last few days. I keep thinking of more and more things that he's done throughout the 3 years. I think I'm quite naive and I've had a sheltered upbringing, I couldn't believe someone can be as cruel as him for no reason! I think that's why I tried to understand, it's easier to find an excuse than to simply say... he is a vile person and that's it.

he is a vile person and that's it.

I think more people (women) need to practise saying this. Rather than diagnosing everyone with NPD (which really, really pisses me off for various reasons) or endlessly picking over the carcass of a relationship, we need to be able to say, "That person is a twat and that's all there is to it."

I mean jeez, we wouldn't be diagnosing and analysing a cow pat for years and years so why do we do it with the human equivalent?

Well, I have my first session on Monday! She seemed lovely over the phone and I think it will be a great step.

I totally agree, Ayn. As someone who works in mental health I think it's a massive cop out. Sometimes some people just ARE.
People have tried saying to me before oh is ex depressed or does he have another mental illness? I thought, even if he does that doesn't excuse his behaviour. I would never expect someone at work to treat me like that and they never would. If he had a mental illness and was getting help for it, under the mental health team, accessing suitable therapy, seeing the psychiatrist, taking medication etc then that's a different ball game. IF. Having a mental health illness is not an excuse.

In psychiatry NPD is considered a to be a pretty rare disorder, yet everyone's MiL/exh/neighbour etc seems to have it on here!

He's a tosser, plain and simple. Go completely cold turkey and I promise you will feel better within a few weeks.

I'm sure it's possible to be depressed and be an abusive arsehole just as it is to be depressed and not abusive!
Abuse is still abuse arseholes are still arseholes.
His abuse of you is also affecting your mental health, protecting yourself from further abuse is all that matters now.
Let him go fix himself let him make up his own excuses let him live alone with his own shitty behaviour

Oh my God. OP - you sound just like my friend who is going through something almost identical to you. She is 53 years old and all her friends are saying the same as pp on here, and she's replying with almost identical words as you.
You cannot 'win' with this man. He is an arse and will not change. he wants to control you. He doesn't even LIKE you, and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please please please block him from all kinds of contact and see that therapist.
Don't spend your life being like my friend and still doing this at 53.

Thank you everyone.

What should I expect from therapy? What sort of questions will she ask? Will she lead? Will she ask me to go to the Police? Can she do that behind my back? How long until I start to feel a difference?

I know these are all questions I can ask her myself but a heads up would be nice!

They can't make you do anything, they might suggest it but it will be your choice. good place to think about the pros and cons of that.

They might be duty bound to make an RF1 if there's a safeguarding issue, if they're nhs they would, private is different though so check.

You'll do a contract confirming confidentiality etc before you begin

Technically yes we can go behind the clients back if there's a risk or safeguarding issue but it's a last resort

Some styles of therapy are very non directive but some are more therapist -led.