I don't know what to do.

[UnconditionalConditions]

I have NC as this is incredibly outing.

I'm posting here because I really don't know where to turn and I feel like each day I feel lower and lower.

I met my ex a few years ago, we were both early 20s. I thought he was perfect, he was thoughtful, kind, caring, affectionate, my family adored him and he them. He would surprise me with trips away, plan things for me, go out of his way to spend time with me and we generally had quite a good life.

Until 8 months in we got back from our holiday and out of the blue he dumped me. I was upset but I got my things, gave him a hug, said goodbye and left. I didn't contact him. Two days later I had a message, saying how sorry he was and asking to meet up to talk. I said we could, in a few days. Days later he messaged again saying he was so ill that he couldn't go into work, he missed me so much etc and could he pick me up. I agreed and things got back on track quite quickly, although I never forgot.

Things went well for another few months and we moved in together. Our relationship went downhill rapidly but at this time we had a few animals, I was deeply in love and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Throughout the time we lived together he treated me like shit and broke up with me regularly. He would disappear for days, ignore me, get angry when I cried/tried to talk to him and generally behave like an absolute dick. But, he'd always come back and apologise and I'd fall for it (although not really) and try again. I knew I was the only one trying.

A few months ago I was in bed one night when I heard the door close and the gate go. He left. Literally, that was it, no clothes, no belongings, no discussion. 3 years, all apparently nothing. I didn't hear from him. 5 days later i left his house and thought maybe I'd never hear from him again. Months later he emailed me an apology. We then had no contact for a few months until a while later he got in touch again, asking to meet up. Stupidly I agreed and he said he wanted to try again.

Since then we have been in a cycle of texting, arguing, ignoring, talking, not talking, trying, not trying etc. I am exhausted, it has made me ill and I just cannot cope. I know that is dramatic but between him leaving me in such a horrendous way and then ghosting me for months, moving house, getting a new job etc I just don't know who I am anymore.

I am more angry at myself, why do I allow myself to be treated like this? I am/was a confident, strong person with a big heart, my family would describe me as opinionated, wilful, stubborn etc but I feel they don't know me at all, I am weak now.

He plays with my head and each day I can feel more and more of myself fading, I have no self respect. I KNOW I need to block him and move on. I know he doesn't love me. He doesn't really want me, he just wants me to want him. I have to beg him to reply to me, he will not acknowledge any hurt he causes me. Last night I was upset and I'd been crying for a good hour or so. I messaged him and asked if he could text me as I was feeling down and needed him. He replied saying I'm daft and he's going to sleep now. He doesn't care about me and logically I know that. My family/friends don't know I am back in contact with him (there has been previous abuse - which they know little of) and I feel like I'm in a washing machine on a fast cycle, my head is whirring and spinning.

I tried to ignore him a few days ago and in 2 days I had 40 messages, 20 calls, voice notes (saying the most vile things you could ever imagine) etc and I STILL caved. I felt bad. I clearly forgot about the hundreds of times he'd ignore me and I'd plead for just one reply to say he was alive.

I am so sorry for this being so long! There is obviously a lot more to it, I could go on forever.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just need to be told what to do and how to do it. Well, I know what to do... I just don't know how I can ever give up on him/us, even though he did years ago? I'm still in my early 20s, I KNOW there is someone out there who would treat me with the love and respect I have always given ex. I need to reach breaking point, but how?

Thank you so much.

Can you take up some counselling?

Also, I think you should tell your family. I know you don't want to and it'll be hard to admit, but shining a light on what's going on and them making you accountable will make you face what you have to do. You know there's no future with him and this relationship is destructive to you. Don't waste any more of your youth on him.

You are staying with him because you think that if you stick at it, he will eventually revert to being the person he was when you first met, and it will all be as it was.

He will not. It will not. And it may help to understand that he never was that person anyway. It was all an act. That person never existed. He is as fictitious as Mr Darcy.

Do not throw away any more of your precious and only life on something that doesn't exist and never did, and will now only harm you.

How to deal with pain, physical or emotional: "if you run away from the pain, it will hunt you down and drag you under, but if you run towards it, it can only meet you half way". Advice I read from a midwife given to a woman approaching labour. What I mean is, yes it will be painful blocking this arsehole from your life, but you must do it. Then feel that pain, hold it, own it, every time it appears, but do not let it take you back to Cunty McCuntface ex-boyfriend.

I did the freedom programme for 2/3 weeks but it just wasn't for me. I felt like in some ways he was the opposite to all of the abusers. For example, he would do absolutely everything around the house, was not controlling/

Not controlling?

He's broke up with you multiple times and then begged to come back.

Now I'm all for second and even third chances.

BUT :

hurt me once shame on you
Hurt me twice shame on me - or something like that.

It's unforgivable doing what's he's done.

Protect yourself.

There are loads of decent men out there.

He is showing you who he is - believe him !!!

He may not have been the type of abuser the programme focuses on, but nonetheless he’s an abuser. Did you get to the bit of the programme about YOU? Your “boundaries” etc?

Anyway, doing all housework CAN be controlling.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and comments, I am taking each and every one on board. I will be on and off here today so will reply to as much as I can.

He was definitely controlling in the relationship but he didn't control who I could or couldn't see, what I could wear, where I could go etc and the people in the group spoke a lot about that. Although, he obviously knew I couldn't go far when he disappeared due to our dog/cat and I also didn't drive at that time.

I now realise that him doing everything was another aspect of his control. I think he did it so I'd be helpless if he left and didn't know how to do things for myself. Also, so he could appear to be the loving partner, doing all the cooking and cleaning (when he did come home) so he could hold it against me but also for outside appearances, I know our families probably thought I was lazy. I just didn't get a chance to do anything (he would still call me lazy) and obviously I did everything single handed on the weeks he vanished and never got so much as a thank you.

Someone upthread mentioned he is a narcissist and I should Google the behaviour. I have, I have Googled everything I can think of, I've already downloaded the Lundy book. I have a degree in Psychology and i work in mental health, so i know a bit about this. I know he is an abusive narcassist and i know it probably goes even deeper than that. If he had a bad upbringing I feel I could understand it more. It's as though something fundamental is "wrong" with him and I think he knows that too.

Also, someone has hit the nail on the head, I am desperately trying to find the person I fell in love with, the person he was. I know that person never existed, abusers would never find victims if they were abusive 100% of the time.

I know he is the person he is now, it's the real him, cold, calculated, manipulative, cruel, heartless, selfish, narcissistic, I could go on! But it is such a parallel to the person he presented himself as and I've struggled to believe they are the same person, almost. There are times I've been in tears saying to him, "where are you? Where's the person I fell in love with?" It's hard to believe it's gone and I fell in love with someone who never existed. I don't love the person he is now, i just can't let go in case he is still in there somewhere... I know he isn't. I know that's ludicrous.

The person you fell in love with doesn’t exist. That was an act to reel you in. As you say abusers are not abusers all the time. Please stop trying to figure him out. It doesn’t matter WHY. It just IS.

You will fall in love again. But not while you are still enmeshed with him. You will meet someone nice and uncomplicated.

You are right about WHY he did stuff around the house. It was all done to paint you in a bad light. He wanted you to feel helpless. He also wanted others to see you as useless and lazy.

Just be very very grateful you didn’t have children with him. Both to tie you to him more for him to be able to use them as weapons. Because he would.

All the advice you've been given here is great OP, and I feel sure you will benefit from it.

One further tip from me - try separating yourself from your phone, don't let it/him dictate your feelings moment by moment. Leave it at home, put it on airplane mode, give it to someone else to keep for at least a few hours. When you access it again, even if he hasn't contacted you there will be other messages etc, so it won't sting as much, answer the other messages then leave it again. Each hour that passes where you haven't contacted or checked whether he has contacted puts more distance between you and your tormentor. For that is what he is

That's assuming you haven't blocked him/can't bring yourself to block him (which obviously would be the best solution, but it's not necessarily that easy to do - I know I have a problem with this as I can remember his number so can always succumb to making contact...)

You are now part of the problem as you are letting him treat you this way.

Don't block him.

Delete all his contact details. Change your sim/email/Facebook so he isn't able to contact you and you don't have any of his details on your stuff.

I have a degree in Psychology and i work in mental health

Yet your thread title says I don't know what to do
But you DO know what to do.

So now it's time to look at you and your behaviour right now.
Counselling may help you unravel why you are prepared to accept such treatment.
It may help you understand why have no respect for yourself.
What happened to your self-esteem.... etc...
Because you can't continue to be treated like this.
To have someone walk all over you and abuse you.
So find out why - and fast!!!

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

I would also suggest you get therapy as well.

He targeted you OP, of that I have no doubts whatsoever and they are so very charming on the surface like many abusive men are. You do not have to figure him out. You may want to read this article as well:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

He likely also used your degree in psychology and your employment in mental health against you as well. Such men see women as a challenge to further break down and destroy from the inside out. He hates women, all of them.

He sensed a vulnerability (and perhaps too an overall lack of support) within you which he has decided to further exploit. You fell hook line and sinker for a narcissist who has practiced the idealise, devalue and discard cycle on you. You do not need him or any responses he gives you. The persona he showed you was an act designed to draw you right in. That never really existed and now you are seeing the true nature of him.

This is also worth reading too:-

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

I got a new phone and a new number a few months ago (his nana messaged me and it upset me so much, I didn't want any of them to have my number) but I stupidly texted him off it several weeks later. As above, I know his number off by heart, I don't even have him saved on my phone.

He isn't on any social media, which is good.

I am still ignoring his message, I know I need to block him but in a sadistic way the more he contacts me the more it spurs me on to ignore him, because I remember times I've begged for one single message and he hasn't obliged. He hasn't messaged again since 8 am, he won't even know I'm ignoring him yet. I know he doesn't deserve a goodbye message, there is nothing more I can say, I have said it all. I have no respect for him anymore, but I now have no respect for myself for allowing him to do this to me.

As usual, I have loads planned to keep me occupied. It will be nice to feel something else, I am indifferent about all aspects of my life because he has made me so, the only sadness/pain I feel surrounds him. It will be nice to take control of my emotions again and maybe feel happy.

It wasn't just me being a naive little girl, everyone fell for it, my grandma who truly is the most stern lady you will ever meet, my grandad who had a high powered job, etc. Everyone thought I hit the jackpot. They thought I was hard work and he was ace and looked after me so well. He is dangerous. His family don't see it, nor do his friends. I hope one day they will.

Thank you again. I will look at all of the links posted. I really do appreciate this, I have literally nobody to speak to. You're all lovely and when I'm through this I hope I can help others gain strength in the same way.

His family and friends will see you both as bad as each other probably, the splitting up and the reconciling, they won't see him for what he is because you keep taking part in the stupid game; you seem to get some high from it, the drama, the waiting, the ignoring, the contact, then the drop again.

All I can say is the only way you will get over this quick is indeed to block, get a new no, whatever, it's not difficult. I just think you are not ready to actually face up to the truth yet, but you will one day because he won't suddenly turn into a nice person, he is what he is, a complete knob of a man that is playing on your feelings.

Wow, I don't agree at all that I enjoy the drama! That could not be further from the truth. All I wanted was a straight forward, healthy, functional relationship, I am not one for drama or games, hence why I keep it to myself and effectively get on with it. It's not like I sit there gossiping and getting people involved, nobody else knows.

It has made me ill (stress which caused infections, I've been on antibiotics), I am extremely anxious about all aspects of my life now, I am on the brink of tears constantly and break down when I'm on my own. It's awful. I do not enjoy any part of it, at all.

It's easy to look in and say why would you let someone who clearly doesn't care treat you like that?
I don't know myself. I don't know why the first time he attacked me I ended up letting him have sex with me the same night, the first time he was emotionally abusive I don't know why I let him hold me and tell me he's sorry. There is no logic, I am disgusted with myself, honestly I am.

Well, I haven't messaged him back and for me that's good! When i feel a bit less anxious in a few days I will block him.

As an aside, does anyone know how to block an email address?

Depends what email system you use. If you have a quick google it'll tell you. For example Gmail - "Gmail users can now block specific email addresses with just two clicks. In the top right hand corner of a message, click the drop-down menu button (upside down triangle), and select "block." (It appears with the name of the sender in quotes.) Any future messages from the blocked addresses will land in the spam folder".

Or you can simply close your email account and open a new one.

Since then we have been in a cycle of texting, arguing, ignoring, talking, not talking, trying, not trying etc.

Because this is drama OP whether you admit it or not, you also said:
I know that is dramatic

Exactly what I said! Really not having a go at you, I think you are avoiding any responsibility for actually telling him to fuck off, like you are paralysed when you are not.

If you can delete and block I think you will start to see things from a more outside perspective and your mental well being will improve greatly.

I've watched a friend go through this over a five year period. Very similar...abandonment...Not replying to messages for weeks...then coming back on the scene.

Took her many attempts to remove him from her life. But in the end she did. She even moved and changed her number ! She's moved on now and is very happy but still bears the scars.

Total no contact is the only way and it will hurt like hell . Like other posters , I would change your number.

"I did the freedom programme for 2/3 weeks but it just wasn't for me. I felt like in some ways he was the opposite to all of the abusers. "

"To be honest, I am used to it all, the names don't shock me anymore. The first time he swore at me I couldn't believe it and he was so apologetic."

These are both things you said in the same paragraph . There is something skewed about your thinking regarding this relationship and until you work out what it is and eliminate the assumption or idea (whatever it is) you will be unable to walk away.

Therapy is probably the quickest and best way of dealing with this situation. Is private psychotherapy an option for you at all? I think it would change your life and help you get yourself back. Please please seek some out.

All I wanted was a straight forward, healthy, functional relationship

You won't get it with him.

Remember two things.

People treat you how you let them

The person who cares the least in a relationship, holds the most power

Will reply better tomorrow but just to quickly say, I have been in touch with a private therapist and she is going to call me at 5pm tomorrow to have a chat and see if we'd be a good fit to start sessions.

I may not seem it, but I really am taking your advice on board! Thank you.

Great news, get the therapist to watch you delete and block your ex- take control and do it with her as support to make sure you do