I don't know what to do.

[UnconditionalConditions]

I have NC as this is incredibly outing.

I'm posting here because I really don't know where to turn and I feel like each day I feel lower and lower.

I met my ex a few years ago, we were both early 20s. I thought he was perfect, he was thoughtful, kind, caring, affectionate, my family adored him and he them. He would surprise me with trips away, plan things for me, go out of his way to spend time with me and we generally had quite a good life.

Until 8 months in we got back from our holiday and out of the blue he dumped me. I was upset but I got my things, gave him a hug, said goodbye and left. I didn't contact him. Two days later I had a message, saying how sorry he was and asking to meet up to talk. I said we could, in a few days. Days later he messaged again saying he was so ill that he couldn't go into work, he missed me so much etc and could he pick me up. I agreed and things got back on track quite quickly, although I never forgot.

Things went well for another few months and we moved in together. Our relationship went downhill rapidly but at this time we had a few animals, I was deeply in love and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Throughout the time we lived together he treated me like shit and broke up with me regularly. He would disappear for days, ignore me, get angry when I cried/tried to talk to him and generally behave like an absolute dick. But, he'd always come back and apologise and I'd fall for it (although not really) and try again. I knew I was the only one trying.

A few months ago I was in bed one night when I heard the door close and the gate go. He left. Literally, that was it, no clothes, no belongings, no discussion. 3 years, all apparently nothing. I didn't hear from him. 5 days later i left his house and thought maybe I'd never hear from him again. Months later he emailed me an apology. We then had no contact for a few months until a while later he got in touch again, asking to meet up. Stupidly I agreed and he said he wanted to try again.

Since then we have been in a cycle of texting, arguing, ignoring, talking, not talking, trying, not trying etc. I am exhausted, it has made me ill and I just cannot cope. I know that is dramatic but between him leaving me in such a horrendous way and then ghosting me for months, moving house, getting a new job etc I just don't know who I am anymore.

I am more angry at myself, why do I allow myself to be treated like this? I am/was a confident, strong person with a big heart, my family would describe me as opinionated, wilful, stubborn etc but I feel they don't know me at all, I am weak now.

He plays with my head and each day I can feel more and more of myself fading, I have no self respect. I KNOW I need to block him and move on. I know he doesn't love me. He doesn't really want me, he just wants me to want him. I have to beg him to reply to me, he will not acknowledge any hurt he causes me. Last night I was upset and I'd been crying for a good hour or so. I messaged him and asked if he could text me as I was feeling down and needed him. He replied saying I'm daft and he's going to sleep now. He doesn't care about me and logically I know that. My family/friends don't know I am back in contact with him (there has been previous abuse - which they know little of) and I feel like I'm in a washing machine on a fast cycle, my head is whirring and spinning.

I tried to ignore him a few days ago and in 2 days I had 40 messages, 20 calls, voice notes (saying the most vile things you could ever imagine) etc and I STILL caved. I felt bad. I clearly forgot about the hundreds of times he'd ignore me and I'd plead for just one reply to say he was alive.

I am so sorry for this being so long! There is obviously a lot more to it, I could go on forever.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just need to be told what to do and how to do it. Well, I know what to do... I just don't know how I can ever give up on him/us, even though he did years ago? I'm still in my early 20s, I KNOW there is someone out there who would treat me with the love and respect I have always given ex. I need to reach breaking point, but how?

Thank you so much.

Ex was a walk out type, they are not worth it she did it once out the blue, got back together. Told her that if she did feel like that again talk and I would accept her decision. She did it again caused a lot of pain and hurt through a totally selfish act.

It really is the most selfish thing. An adult conversation, fine. He would literally text me at work saying that was it and I should get my things and leave. Or as I said upthread, he walked out at 1 am one night while I was trying to go to sleep in bed, with nothing but his world cup sticker book! Yes, really...
It just can't work with someone who does that, after the first time you can never fully relax and feel secure.

Such a coward.

Brilliant news on the therapist.

I an afraid the high and lows of the relationship is 'Drama'

I know many people get 'off' on this.

I'm not having a go either.

We can all be a bit like that.
That's wihy we watch 'dramas' on tv.

But when we own it , we can we say: ' actually ' isn't it peaceful without him '

And then it's a very small step to: ignore , delete and block. '

Really looking forward to speaking to the therapist tonight, hopefully all goes well and we book a session.

Thank you. I think I got defensive as I definitely don't like the drama. I don't watch dramas on TV, I am extremely laid back and all i want is to be happy! I unfortunately have just got caught up with the wrong man.

I honestly don't like the up/down of the relationship, I have never caused any issues myself, I let things go, stay calm, etc, I did not cause any drama whatsoever. I stayed because I didn't know how to leave, in a way.

You didn’t cause issues, no, but you put up with way too much crap, which was essentially choosing drama!

Which luckily you can still end by ceasing all contact with him.

Thanks. I know what you mean.
No contact is happening, still feel incredibly anxious and sick but also like I can breathe for the first time in a long, long time!

Feels great doesn't it :)

Life will always give you / me / everyone challenges.

Something structure me about your last post.

'You keep calm and let things go. '

Sometimes it is important to stamp your feet and throw teddy out the peam.

Not in a regular basis but in a confident assertive way.

'No ... that's not acceptable '
And mean it.

Pram not peam

Thanks. I think I am like that in other aspects of my life, but with him there was just never any point. Nothing worked with him, I tried it all. In the end I just gave up! I would say you can't do this/treat me like that etc, but I guess he knew I wouldn't leave so he did what he wanted.

Lines in the sand.

I understand.
Been there done that.

He’s a horrible, abusive person. Don’t settle for a shit life, don’t get to your deathbed and regret living (or not in this case)
Block, delete.
Change your numbers and emails ASAP. Get counselling/cbt and invest in yourself.
Good luck x

Ah, wasn't meant to be with this particular therapist, we texted before the call and our availability doesn't match up.

Have contacted a few more though and hopefully hear back tomorrow.

Thank you everyone.

He was physically abusive too and I sometimes wonder whether I should let anyone know, or would I be doing it for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't want him to do to someone else things he's done to me. I feel like his family should force him to get therapy, do courses, anger management, etc. It wouldn't change who he is innately but it may change the way he treats people.

Finish the Freedom Programme. You should be there.

When he walked out that time when you heard the gate go - he was HIGH with excitement at how much he was hurting you. He gets off on it.

Anyway. Try
CoDA
SLAA

You're addicted to him. Not a figure of speech, sadly.

Yes let the police know on their non-emergency line. YOu will be put through to the domestic violence unit.

Btw the other stuff he does, the frying your heart and mind, is considered domestic violence too. NOt just the physical stuff.

He needs to be on their radar. He'll do it to other people - after you, when you're free - and abuse escalates. He'll get worse.

Don't think involving the police at this stage will help you.

You did to dissociate and this will just pull you in.

Get therapy to break your addiction.

Fill the void he's left with good stuff.

Nature, good friend, up lifting films/ books, waking, exercise,
Good food etc

Make your life for filling so you have no time for him.

What do you want your life to be in a year?

How are you going to get there?

I wish my friend had posted this in her 20’s and LTB.

She wasted more than an entire decade with a total shit when it could have been the best decade of her life.

It took having cancer (all clear now thank God) to finally re-evaluate her life and pluck up the courage to leave.

We NEVER saw her out of work. She NEVER thought she could live alone but oh my God her life has changed completely. I wish I could give very specific examples - there are dozens of them - but too outing.

Don’t waste these years. He’s never going to give you the relationship you want and you know it.

There is no point in telling his family and trying to make them get him to get ‘help’. That’s you still trying to fix him. To change him into the person you thought he was. His family know what he is like. He puts on a good act I’m sure and they probably like you and think you are good for him. But they will have seen the real him over the years. They may fool themselves into thinking he is nice and you are happy together. But you know the REAL him. Leaving with nothing but his sticker book? Really? It’s something a six year old would do!

You need to disengage. He will not change. He likes who he is. He likes the power. He ejoys messing with your head. And on top of it all he is physically abusive.

Thank all that is holy that you don’t have children with him. You can have a clean break and move on.

Focus on yourself: engaging with his family is very unlikely to help you.

it was an abusive relationship, physically too, so why reject the Freedom Programme? Glad you’re investigating counselling.

Yes, I have posted about this before, a few days/weeks after he initially left, with his sticker book! I dread to think there is more than one 'man' who would do that haha. He ghosted me for a few months but then reared his ugly head yet again.

I am speaking to a therapist who says she has had positive outcomes with a few people in similar situations using talking therapy, so that sounds promising. As a few of you have said above, it's an addiction i need to break.

Yes, I bet he bloody loved it that night he left and all of my messages that followed. I bet he relished in my pain. From about a year in he knew he held all of the power. He said he was scared I'd go crazy and that's why he couldn't speak to me and tell me to my face, or at all... This was a month after he left, when I finally went to his work and found him. I needed to sort out the logistics, like his cat.

You are right about his family, deep down they will all know what he's like. He gets sacked from every job he has, does things without thinking of the consequences, is childish and sulks etc, I'm sure they all know. They will all be gutted that he doesn't have me, I've had some messages from his family saying they'll miss me and hope I keep in touch. (I haven't)

In a year I'd like to be happy... Simple, really! I want to be in a job I enjoy, which thankfully I've just got and just be me again. To get there I know I need to cut him from my life for good.

Op deep down you know what to do you need to start listening to you!
You have normalized his treatment of you numbed yourself to his behaviour towards you

You need to start believing in yourself that you do have it within you to free yourself of his emotional hold over you. Time to take charge and rid your mind and entire life of him.
Take those steps away from him even if they are small ones.
New phone no contact. If the urge to text him comes distract yourself step away from phone physically remove yourself go for a walk, start a journal & pour your text thoughts into this instead of him.

It's an addiction you need to work hard on to break but you must break it for your mental health and wellbeing
Counselling, support, group therapies, friends, family : talk to them instead of him

Honestly ask yourself if a stranger on street treated you in same way now would you react?
Build new boundaries of behaviour you are no longer willing to put up with for a second longer.

I travelled alone for 6 weeks to Peru in my mid twenties then moved jobs and cities to shake mine off mentally. Was alone for 3 months then met my gorgeous husband. Who has never ONCE in 14 years said an abusive word to me (or anyone else for that matter). It's a bad phase and look on the bright side when you meet your real partner you will appreciate him all the more.