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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter becoming a teenager and DH

87 replies

Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 07:14

My DD is 14. Over the past couple of years she has been finding her dad (my H) extremely difficult. It's hard to explain but it's things about him that I've ALWAYS found irritating but now my daughter is quite enraged by him and I'm actually telling her I understand what she means and it's infuriating. I know this is bad but suddenly I don't feel alone- someone understands. The sort of things I mean is that he talks over you and then gets angry if you do it to him. Another is that if you're trying to tell him something he butts in and tries to "guess" what you're about to say. There are loads of other things that he does but I can't list them all.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It's like watching my DD struggle with him has made me realise how bad he can be with communication with others. I

OP posts:
Tictactic · 09/10/2018 07:21

I understand. My mum annoys my ds as she does me. Not listening, jumping from subject to subject, being dramatic and over reacting.i try to console my ds (my dad consoles me, they divorced years ago)
I try to be diplomatic with ds but I do understand

EdisonLightBulb · 09/10/2018 07:22

Yes I have. DH has often made my irritation with some things he does about me, that I'm the problem not him.

It took DS and DD to actually both tell him in no uncertain term what he did and how unacceptable it was for him to stop and listen.

They weren't 14 though, because at 14 he still did it and still blamed me for giving them ideas. DS was 24 when he lost his rag and DD 21 backed him up fully. When DD said unless he changed his attitude he would end up sad and alone, I think he finally got the message.

He has been a lot better since, I do note that he starts to go off on one sometimes then takes a breath and backs off.

AjasLipstick · 09/10/2018 07:23

You should be careful not to adultify your DD by "gossiping" about your DH in any way whilst still acknowledging that he's a pain in the arse.

I have found (my DD is also 14!) that a bit of humour works well. We laugh about my infuriating DH and his annoying habits and I'm also careful to include DH in the jokes...he doesn't mind and to be honest, it's helped.

HOwever, our issues aren't DH getting angry....more like how long he takes to leave the house and how forgetful he is.

Have you found that you've been thinking of leaving your DH because of his attitude?

Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 07:29

Thanks for replying. Yes, I have thought about leaving him many times. I know exactly what you mean about not gossiping about DH but it's so hard. I think his behaviour is damaging and I'm trying to let DD see that it's not normal. But I've been "accepting" it for so long that I worry she's being damaged. I also wonder if he's misogynistic. I have a ds but he's younger. I just can't imagine DH treating him as badly as me and DD. I could be wrong though.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/10/2018 07:30

I know what you mean. My DD is the same and picks up on the same things that irritate me.

For example changing the argument when he's proved wrong.

Him - Lynford Christie won the 100m three times in the Olympics.

Me - He didn't.

Him - He did (emphatically(

Me - Google it and show him this isn't the case

Him - gets on Google. "He won the Commonwealth games three times see

Me - Commonwealth is not the Olympics.

Him - I knew I was right

Me - But you weren't right. I was.

You get the picture? So does DD and she just shakes her head and says "Oh daddy "

I've always told him he's wrong and strong.

I'm used to it now and so is she. We just look at each other and smile.

Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 07:36

At least I'm not alone. I wish the things DH does were things we could laugh about though. Well we do a bit, but not in front of him which is awful, I know. I have told DD to pull him up on his behaviour and that I will do the same. He has recently accused us of bullying him though. I've often thought he was a bully but as me and DD agree in things I can see that he feels ganged up on. But as is his way, it's us that's at fault, not him.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/10/2018 07:39

I also have a friend who says the same and her DD has asked her how she copes with her dad and that age could never be married to someone like that.

Always thinks he's right. Poor sentence construction which leads to others being hurt and he doesn't get it.

Things like "you're kind to a fault" or to his teenage DD "I love you but don't put on any more weight than this"

If I'm honest ...in her situation the damage had been done. She's put up with a lot of crap and it's affected her DC.

Miladymilord · 09/10/2018 07:42

Don't make your teen into an ally.

She needs her own relationship with her dad. Try and find someone else to vent to.

GeorgeTheHippo · 09/10/2018 07:43

You need to think about the long term here. Are you going to stay with your DH? If you are then a few years of siding with your DD about his failings will leave her, as an adult, wondering what on earth you are doing.

strawberrisc · 09/10/2018 07:44

My sister developed a totally irrational irritation with my Dad at the same age. He’s the ultimate family man so it must have all been in her head. She came out of the other side. I felt so sorry for him though.

My own DD is Daddy’s girl. I swear when I say the sky is blue she’ll argue that it’s green and just like @SandyY2K she loves nothing more than proving me wrong on Google! Also, if I say (for example) “Oh I really like that bloke off the telly” she’ll remind me of one time 7 years ago when I said I didn’t. It’s exhausting!

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2018 07:46

Don't make her an ally or use her as a listening ear. Stand up to your husband yourself on your own behalf and let her see you doing it. Model the sort of behaviour you would like to see her using in her own relationships. It's hard-but that's what you have to do.

Shambu · 09/10/2018 07:46

I love you but don't put on any more weight than this

That's not 'poor sentence construction' it's just being an arsehole.

Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 07:51

She really does have her own relationship with DH. But she finds many of the things he does and says infuriating and comes to me.I tend to think it would be more damaging to back up DH when he is being unreasonable so I do agree with her and let her know his attitude is wrong. It has really shone a light on what an arse he can be though, and I don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 07:52

Bertrandandrussell - yes, I think that's exactly what I will do.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 09/10/2018 07:52

You need to be very careful here. Your DD is not your girlfriend, joining in with gossiping and venting about your boyfriend.

At 14 I was a little cow to everyone, and my mother reinforcing and tacitly encouraging my behavior would have made me much worse. It would have done me no favours, emotionally.

She is not a part of your marriage. If your marriage sucks, do something about it.

My father could be irritating, he was born in the 30s and could be old fashioned and cranky. But he loved me so much and was a good Dad. That's what my mother reinforced and it helped me focus on it.

Shambu · 09/10/2018 07:54

It's all very well to say mother and DD shouldn't be confidants, but the fact is they are on the same wavelength and DH is not. That's nigh impossible to hide living in the same house.

OP standing up to him won't stop DD doing the same. If he annoys DD she has every right to say so.

This is not something that can be papered over.

Notacluewhatthisis · 09/10/2018 07:54

No you need to remain neutral. She is too young to be involved in this.

I am confused because you say you don't want him damaging dd. But she is 14, over course the kids will be impacted, being around him if he is so awful.

Do not drag your daughter into your marriage.

cupofteaandcake · 09/10/2018 07:58

Great thread OP, you are definitely not alone! I do call my DP out on stuff however I also speak to DD, sometimes she sees and discusses stuff, sometimes I do. For me there are number of areas of behaviour that are quite misognistic and I want DD to see and understand that.

Unfortunately, for me, having a teenager to navigate has highlighted to me just how we are not a partnership and I find that I am resenting (a lot) that I am not only having to manage the teenage years but I am having to manage DH as well.

CherryPavlova · 09/10/2018 08:00

What’s damaging is your behaviour and colluding with your child. If you find his behaviour irritating then address it with him. You risk undermining their relationship just when she needs clear boundaries and the support of her father. Tread carefully.

Probably better to say “ Yes he does finish your sentences and that can grate but let’s forgive that and remember that he collects you whenever you ask and spent all day Saturday mending your bicycle”.

It is entirely normal behaviour - however irritating- many, many people do it.

Shambu · 09/10/2018 08:01

yes, I think that's exactly what I will do

You can try but it won't work.

Realistically, you'd have to tell her never to come to you after an argument with her dad, so you'd be leaving a 14 year old to deal with a difficult father alone.

If you back DH up you are complicit in all his bad attitudes and and you are teaching DD that it's acceptable and she's the one with the problem.

So you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. There isn't really a solution unfortunately.

AjasLipstick · 09/10/2018 08:06

Shambu how did you get "It won't work" from OP saying she will stand up to him?

Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 08:07

Lots to think about here. Thank you all. Cupofteaandcake sounds like you're in exactly the same situation. It's so hard.

OP posts:
MessyBun247 · 09/10/2018 08:08

Just call him out every time.

‘Why are you talking over the top of me?’.

‘Let me finish my sentence’ etc.

It will give your DD the confidence to do the same.

Miladymilord · 09/10/2018 08:08

Remind her of the nice things he does next time she comes bitching to you about him.

If you can't think of any it's probably just time to think about ltb

cupofteaandcake · 09/10/2018 08:09

Surely by saying that Cherry what you are really saying is 'just put up with it and be grateful for something he does for you'. Surely what you should be doing is calling your DH out in a measured way 'do you realise that you are always finishing my sentence'. Teach your DD to be assertive and be able make a point in a neutral way. Teach your DD be confident to know what is right and wrong.

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