My daughter becoming a teenager and DH

[Mmmmdanone]

My DD is 14. Over the past couple of years she has been finding her dad (my H) extremely difficult. It's hard to explain but it's things about him that I've ALWAYS found irritating but now my daughter is quite enraged by him and I'm actually telling her I understand what she means and it's infuriating. I know this is bad but suddenly I don't feel alone- someone understands. The sort of things I mean is that he talks over you and then gets angry if you do it to him. Another is that if you're trying to tell him something he butts in and tries to "guess" what you're about to say. There are loads of other things that he does but I can't list them all.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It's like watching my DD struggle with him has made me realise how bad he can be with communication with others. I

Not my DH but my kids realised how annoying my mother is when they hit teen years so I understand how you feel no longer alone in your irritation!

I do have to do the reminding of the nice things sometimes too, which does help

It is not fair or healthy on your dd to side together against your dh, her dad. It is also not healthy for you to complain about your dh's behavior to a child who will then perceives you as a helpless victim to that behavior and as your pp shows tries to defend. What is that teaching her about healthy relationships?

The adults in this relationship need to sort it out. If you cant and as an adult you choose to continue like this all you can do is teach your dd how to deal with it appropriately and better than her mum does. Possibly by walking away and talking to her dad alone about how it makes her feel after they have both calmed down or being assertive without being angry or rude to her dad.

Just remembered one fairly recent example ... My ex has a habit of answering "maybe" when you tell him something you know, like this:

Me: Australia only has a population of 25 million!
Him: Maybe.

If you point out that if he thinks you are wrong he could say it in a nicer way, then he gets annoyed and says there is nothing wrong with this answer.

I had never mentioned this to the kids at all, and not complained about it in front of them afaik. Then my daugher came over in a bad mood, complaining that when she told her dad something about a French word (she is studying French, he has never learnt), he replied with "maybe" and didn't get why that pissed her off.

All those years I'd thought I was being silly to get annoyed about that. When you see someone else react the same way, confirming that it is not just you, it is difficult not to just jump up and down with delight.

Sitting down and discussing it doesn't help when one of the people involved is convinced he is right and everyone else is wrong.

‘Some dads/parents struggle with their dc growing up and being independent. This could also be a trigger so I would be cautious about siding with your 14yr old.’

Yes and some parents struggle with teens developing a mind of their own and being able to speak up against their parents shitty behaviour.

Not sure how OP agreeing with her DD that the DHs behaviour is bad is ‘taking sides’ or ‘colluding’.

But ultimately OP it is up to you to stand up for yourself against your husband and keep calling him out when he is disrespectful towards you.

I'm reading all comments and taking things on board. I'm so relieved some of you know exactly what I'm dealing with. I know I've got some serious thinking to do. Thanks all.

I'm unsure how OP is involving 14 year old DD in the marriage. It's 14 year old DD who is going to her mum complaining about her dad's irritating ways... What is the mum supposed to do? Deny it?

Not sure how OP agreeing with her DD that the DHs behaviour is bad is ‘taking sides’ or ‘colluding’.

Me neither... Different if the mum is slagging him off to her daughter, but this is the other way around...

To me it sounds as if you've got the balance right. You're not "gossiping"'with your 14 year old like you're best friends or some of the other things you've been accused of here. You're acknowledging and empathising with what she is seeing and naming, and that's totally the right thing to do IMO. I've just read an article about how things were for women in the 80s and it's a world away from how we are raising young women now thank god and I guess there's an element of the times have changed and he hasn't kept up - probably in all honesty because it doesn't suit him to.

You should be pointing out the positives in his behaviour, not encouraging her to focus on his negatives.

What she shouldn't be doing is minimising and dismissing her daughter's experience.

Tbh if it were me I'd be doing exactly the same as you. Let him go off and sulk, carry on your conversation. He is being childish because he doesn't want to admit he is wrong, that would wound his ego. He has many years of practice of bad behaviour that he doesn't wish to acknowledge as such. That's not going to change overnight.

In no way as extreme as you, my own mum and I share our frustrations about my dad. The same goes between dad and I about mum, and almost certainly between them two re: me! I don't remember what age we started doing that but it probably wasn't much older than 14. I've grown up with a very close relationship with them both, not at all damaged as some posters would suggest. My dad's annoying habits haven't changed, but they're not mysogynistic or putting down to others. I can count on one hand and still have fingers left the times I've found his behaviour unacceptable towards either me or mum. He isn't terribly emotionally literate, and when we were talking about a sensitive (for him) subject he shouted at me just a few weeks ago. This is a VERY rare occurrence. I blocked and repeated calmly the phrase "don't talk to me like that" until he stopped shouting and we continued whatever it was we were discussing. Nobody stormed off. Nobody was terribly wounded. I grew up learning how to handle that type of situation precisely because I had seen mum handle it a very few times.

Almond that's it exactly. I'm trying to minimise damage not make it worse. But I think I may be doing it all wrong. My poor DD.

You're not doing it wrong OP. You're doing the best you can in a difficult situation.

I've been the DD in this scenario, it's tricky to navigate all round.

OP I'm ashamed to say I did the gossip and collude behaviours with my DD about her DF. It was a huge comfort to me and to her AT THE TIME. Between 12 and 18 she really did not like her DF and made that pretty clear.

When our DD Left home at 18 for 6 months for studying, she came back changed. She told me how my "buddying" approach to her had badly damaged her relationship with her DF (true) how she loves her DF and if I don't that's my problem (true) how my "buddying" approach had left her with all kinds of learnt, bad behaviour that she was working through

I felt utterly ashamed. For a momentary sense of alliance and connection, I had betrayed both my DD and my DP her dad.

It is immensely to the credit of both my DD and her DF (now my ex, I left) that they have arrived at a loving, positive relationship that has nothing to do with me.

Don't do it, is my message from the other side. By bonding with my DD over her DFs irritating habits and (bloody annoying unfathomable) behaviours, I put their right to establish their own relationship at risk

Thank god they both overcame this. She is wise and he is forgiving.

(His behaviours were not abusive or mysogynistic - just fucking irritating, which was my problem)

he talks over you... Another is that if you're trying to tell him something he butts in and tries to "guess" what you're about to say.

My DH used to do this all the time when we first moved in together. I simply refused to carry on my sentence or the conversation unless he promised not to do it. I did it every time he tried to talk over me or guess what I was saying. He stopped.

The thing is ...if you don't acknowledge what she's saying...she can interpret it as you supporting what he's saying or doing.

It's not as is you're going to her room and having a let's slag off dad session.

I cope because it's issues of fact...but another annoying thing is DH saying something like " That film was rubbish" I always insert in your opinion. You can't say a film is rubbish as a matter of fact...because it's not. Yet he'll insist.

Once h
Imentioned that my DB tried to book tickets for a show and it was sold out...his response "I find that hard to believe" ... DD said to him "Are you saying Uncle X is lying?" ... then he says no. But that's the logical inference from what he said.

Very irritating when it happens... but I love that DD is assertive enough to challenge him and I'm hoping the penny drops that it's not just me being unreasonable.

The sort of things I mean is that he talks over you and then gets angry if you do it to him. [plus many other examples to OP and DD]

I also wonder if he's misogynistic

Ya think?!

He has recently accused us of bullying him though

Nice bit of DARVO there.

It is entirely normal behaviour - however irritating- many, many people do it.

No it absolutely isn't in a healthy relationship and trivialising it validates his behaviour, whilst dismissing the OP and her DD's feelings. Playing it down is terrible advice.

Normal people do it sometimes, and if called on it they apologise. They don't make it part of a pattern of dismissing and overtalking others (never mind the other behaviours referred to). When its constant it is silencing.

You do need to demonstrate standing up to this yourself. It won't be easy but you do need to do it and don't be silenced "to keep the peace".

My experience was the opposite buckingfrolicks

My mum and I being on the same page about my dad's difficult behaviour helped me deal with him. It certainly didn't affect my relationship with my dad. If anything it helped because I understood him better.

Why haven't you actually left him, seeing as you've thought about it so many times?

She's your daughter, not your friend. Don't use her as an ally.

We all tease each other in our house, admitting all our failures, idiosyncrasies, wierd traits etc. But are very very complementary also about how good Dh is at certain things, how good I am, and the ds's.

Picking on someone repeatedly re something is actually bullying, or nasty, and why would you want to do that?

My mum ‘colluded’ with me over my stepfathers unreasonable behaviour.
He was a dick, his behaviour was wildly unreasonable and it has caused me long term emotional issues and poor self esteem.

Nowadays I do not feel like she supported me. She used me as her own support so she could cope with her marriage. The correct course of action would have been to stop the behaviour even if it meant ending the relationship.

I think OP has made it pretty clear that she is trying to avoid picking on or vilifying her dh.

Like she says, the difficulty is in at the same time acknowledging her daughter's justified feelings, rather than minimising them, and confirming that misogny is unacceptable.

Another difficulty is that when it is the first time anyone has confirmed your own feelings, it is hard not to get over-excited, or even start to rely on that support as tomatosalt says. But let's not assume the worst of OP eh?

We all tease each other in our house, admitting all our failures, idiosyncrasies, wierd traits etc. But are very very complementary also about how good Dh is at certain things, how good I am, and the ds's

Yes we do this too. But I love my dh.

I don't love my ex, but I do love my children, so I can still manage to say complimentary things about him, try to explain where annoying behaviour might come from, and make conversation about the subject as good-natured as possible.

Would be a lot harder if we hadn't been separated for 4 years, mind.

OP I think you need to consider two things here. How to deal with his behaviour, and whether you are happy in your marriage. Those are two different issues. The first will never go away, and just has to be managed. The second can be dealt with more finally.

Really good posts from Ravenmum I agree with all she says.

I hate to say this but I have a son with high functioning ASD and you might want to look at the living with a partner with ASD threads to see if your husband has ASD traits. My son has lots of positive ASD traits so I wouldn't change him for the world - but it can be tricky during arguments or discussions sometimes. He can think he is always right...plus he had trouble holding onto thoughts and will then step in at the wrong time with whatever popped into this brain during a discussion which can aggravate things. He is also very literal - I used to think he was being rude but now I understand his ASD and he is usually stating a fact. Now I understand him better - we have a few funny family stories of conversations where he has been quite literal - or I have not being literal enough - and this has resulted in hilarious outcomes. But before I understood him - I did find conversations with him very taxing as I was taking his responses from my NT point of view and not his ASD point of view. Now when he says something that I have thought is him being rude, I take a second to think whether he is just being literal.

I’d be really upset if I knew my ‘partner’ was bitching about me with our children. Like extremely upset

That's not what I'm doing though Dark