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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter becoming a teenager and DH

87 replies

Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 07:14

My DD is 14. Over the past couple of years she has been finding her dad (my H) extremely difficult. It's hard to explain but it's things about him that I've ALWAYS found irritating but now my daughter is quite enraged by him and I'm actually telling her I understand what she means and it's infuriating. I know this is bad but suddenly I don't feel alone- someone understands. The sort of things I mean is that he talks over you and then gets angry if you do it to him. Another is that if you're trying to tell him something he butts in and tries to "guess" what you're about to say. There are loads of other things that he does but I can't list them all.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It's like watching my DD struggle with him has made me realise how bad he can be with communication with others. I

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 08:12

Wouldn't just reminding her of the nice things he does make her think "ok, if someone is nice sometimes, it's ok for them to be an arse a lot of other times"? It's really difficult to get a balance. Thanks for reply though.

OP posts:
worstmotherintheworld · 09/10/2018 08:12

Could he have (adult) ADHD? I am sure that talking over people and getting irritated about losing your train of thought are characteristics.

Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 08:13

Cross post cupoftea!

OP posts:
Miladymilord · 09/10/2018 08:13

That seems odd. Everyone's an arse sometimes but surely the positive things about them are worth focusing on.

Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 08:13

worst I have thought about something like that but not sure there are enough indicators.

OP posts:
Miladymilord · 09/10/2018 08:15

What you should be doing is keeping a bit of distance between you and your dd when she wants to moan. You sound so unassertive. If you don't like how he is then stand up for yourself. It's not her job to back you up.

ShannonRockallMalin · 09/10/2018 08:15

I understand to a degree OP. My 14 year old eldest DS began to clash with my DH a couple of years ago, and it did make me see some of his faults in a new light, e.g. his tendency to overreact to small issues and his less than acceptable use of language when in an argument.

It is difficult because as PPs have said, you don’t want to ‘side’ with your child against your partner, but at the same time it’s hard not to support them when you can see why they’re upset. I try very hard to remain neutral in these disputes, but my DH always accuses me of ‘ganging up’ against him with the kids.

I will say that after a rocky couple of years their relationship has improved recently, so as your DD matures, she may be able to view things more pragmatically.

Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 08:16

milady it's daily arse behaviour. I think the bad is outweighing the good right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 08:17

milady I know, I've been really unassertive. I know for my DD sake I need to change. I have been and been accused of bullying though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 08:18

Maybe I just can't get the balance right.

OP posts:
Shambu · 09/10/2018 08:18

Ajas

I was responding to OP's response to Bertrand Russell's whole post not that one element. OP can't stand up to him but it won't stop DD doing so on her own behalf.

Cupofteaandcake is by far the most realistic because she's been in the situation, as have I.

cupofteaandcake · 09/10/2018 08:21

What really grates is my DPs inability to admit he was wrong. Even if there is a smal concession the sentence will end with a 'but I'm right anyway because of this'. For me I think the actions of my DH far far outweigh any damage I may be doing by colluding/gossiping. It's like dealing with another child sometimes!

lilyheather1 · 09/10/2018 08:21

When I was 14 I absolutely hated my dad, suddenly I felt aware of all the little things he did that I felt were rude or irritating, he needed constant assurance that he was right, he'd sulk easily, and would come out with the most blunt of statements. Even the way he breathed irritated me. We had countless screaming matches and I could not understand why my lovely, patient mum was with him. 10 years later and I hugely regret being so horrid to him. My dad is a wonderful man and whilst he like all of is, still has the odd annoying trait, his good outweighs the bad. He's gone above and beyond for my my mum and our family over the years and I am truly blessed to have him as my dad. I can't say I would think the same if at 14 my mum had told me she agreed with me, and bitched about him with me

SandyY2K · 09/10/2018 08:23

There's a balance between not colluding and acknowledging what she's saying.

In the case of my friend...she noticed her DC questioning if she had the same opinion as their dad, as she never voiced her opinion when hevwas blatantly wrong.

Her relationship with them was suffering until she made it clear that she didnt agree with certain things.

@strawberrisc

just like @SandyY2K she loves nothing more than proving me wrong on Google!

When you need to prove a matter of fact Google is great. It shuts the other person up from spouting incorrect facts.

With my DH..instead of admitting he was wrong...he tries to wriggle out of it and it annoys me if he just said... ok I was wrong that would end it.

Like when he insisted Diana and Charles got married in Westminster Abbey and my cousin said no they didnt. He kept on insisting..till my cousin googled it.

His response.." I knew it was one of the big churches in London"

It's ridiculous....but everybody knows this about him...so they take it with a pinch of salt and laugh it off saying... there goes Mike again.

Djnoun · 09/10/2018 08:25

You should be pointing out the positives in his behaviour, not encouraging her to focus on his negatives.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2018 08:25

Your Dd is now seeing from her father what you've always seen from him behaviour wise as your husband. She does not like it and she perhaps wonders of you why you have stayed with him at all. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what has she been learning from the two of you re same here?.

If you have thought about leaving him so many times why have you not taken that actual step?. What has stopped you here?. Fear of him, fear of the unknown, money worries, your DD; maybe all of this and more has played a part here.

cupofteaandcake · 09/10/2018 08:26

I have found that I have become more assertive because I feel currently that I don't have anything to lose. I don't want to 'keep the peace' because it makes me miserable and I don't want my DCs to see this. What I find useful is turning it around on DH and asking if he would like to be treated/spoken to in the way he has just done.

Interesting that he turns it on you and calls you a bully (assuming that's what you mean). Sounds like he's the bully!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2018 08:26

Do you fear your DD will have a relationship with someone who is ultimately like her dad?.

Shambu · 09/10/2018 08:27

Bully or rather dominant types tend to be very quick call bullying when things either don't go their way or people stand up to them. And they tend to pick partners who are unassertive.

If your DD is naturally more assertive there will be fireworks whatever you do.

Wouldn't just reminding her of the nice things he does make her think "ok, if someone is nice sometimes, it's ok for them to be an arse a lot of other times"?

Kind of yes. It sounds like you're excusing it and glossing over it. Depends how bad it is, it's fine for a minor misdemeanour.

My heart goes out to you because I don't know that 'getting the balance right' is actually possible in this situation.

Shambu · 09/10/2018 08:29

OP can't stand up to him but it won't stop DD doing so on her own behalf.

Sorry typo - that should say OP can stand up to him but it won't stop DD doing so.

Original poster
Mmmmdanone · 09/10/2018 08:32

If it was just him being wrong about facts then, yes, we could deal with that. It's more that it's disrespectful behaviour. Once, for instance, I was talking. My DH interrupted me. DD got annoyed and said "shut up, I was listening to mum". DH lost it with DD for saying shut up, but he had interrupted me! He stomped off when I told him this. I spoke to DD and told her it wasn't ok to tell him to shut up. She was crying and saying sorry. I agreed that he had been rude and that he often spoke over people. This is a common occurrence. I feel awful for her.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/10/2018 08:37

I was also made to feel bad if I complained about things. We divorced because of his affair in the end, but, well, it has solved my end of the problem.

If you separate, your dd will be spending more time alone with him, without you there, presumably: it wouldn't remove her from his influence. But you do need to trust your daughter. She is clearly smart enough and confident enough in her own views to be able to judge him better than you.

After spending a weekend with her dad and paternal grandad, my dd's boyfriend made some lighthearted jokes about grandad's excruciating conversational skills, with a comment that her dad was well on the same path. It was really cheerful and good-natured along the lines of "nowt as strange as folk". That's the type of attitude I've been trying to take myself.

And in private also speculating on where his misogynistic / thoughtless tendencies might come from, without making it into too big a deal, and looking for explanations rather than blame. The kids can decide what they think of it all themselves.

This kind of approach definitely does work better now he's an ex.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2018 08:37

What has stopped you actively from leaving him particularly if you have thought about doing this so many times?.

His behaviours are really about power and control and this is not a communication issue. He is communicating all too clearly what he wants here which is absolute power and control over you and in turn your DD. No wonder she has railed against him as she has done. I maintain she perhaps wonders why you are still with him.

Did you yourself grow up seeing your own mother similarly treated by your dad?.

cupofteaandcake · 09/10/2018 08:38

Have you had a conversation with your DH regarding his behaviour? How he is upsetting the family harmony? If not, how do you think he will re-act?

Your DD knows he is rude however she is young and doesn't know how to deal with it. Did you say to her that whilst it's not ok to tell someone to 'shut up' she could say 'Dad, let Mum finish, you're talking over her'. That said it would be better for you to deal with it by just stopping talking and looking away and then asking him why he talks over you.

lifebegins50 · 09/10/2018 08:45

What are his good points?

Some dads/parents struggle with their dc growing up and being independent. This could also be a trigger so I would be cautious about siding with your 14yr old.

Could you sit down with your dh and discuss family rules, such as we don't interrupt each other, we don't tell others to shut up.

If you can agree this between the adults then it will be a united front and the behaviour in the house improves for everyone.

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