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Original poster

What should I think when he says...

91 replies

Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:12

"I don't want a relationship" (which is fine and I am not looking for a conventional relationship either) but his actions seem to be very....relationshippy? He's very warm, affectionate, has invited me to go away with him, is in contact a lot.
I don't know him well at all yet so difficult to know if this is just the way he is.

OP posts:
GreenLantern53 · 07/10/2018 15:17

wants the gf experience without the gf. so in other words wants to keep his options open and potentially see others

ThymeCake · 07/10/2018 15:17

If think he wants the occasional shag and hot meal, but doesn't want to commit.

Totally fine, if that's what you want too.

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:22

That's what I thought greenlantern53 but he has made a point of saying he does not want or have time to see anyone else.
Actually when he said he doesn't want a relationship he put it down to not having time.

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Kr1stina · 07/10/2018 15:24

If think he wants the occasional shag and hot meal, but doesn't want to commit

This. He wants all the perks but none of the responsibilities. And at a time to suit him not you.

Pleas don’t shah him thinking it will turn into more when he sees what a great person you are. Listen to him .

Musti · 07/10/2018 15:24

I'd ask him what he means. We all have different opinions. I want to be independent, don't want to love together or to see my potential boyfriend a lot, but I would want us both to be monogamous etc.

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:30

Yes I also want my independence and certainly don't want anyone moving in, meeting my dc etc. So I also don't want a "relationship" as such.
I would just like to know what he actually does want but don't feel I can ask him without him assuming I want more from him!

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LellyMcKelly · 07/10/2018 15:32

He is telling you that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Listen to what he is telling you. He wants someone who’ll play girlfriend when it suits him. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Straighttalkersneeded · 07/10/2018 15:37

I think it means he wants the fun but doesn't want you to have any expectations of him whatsoever e.g. no calling him when X happens and you need support, no attending important events together, no commitment so if he meets someone else in say 6 months or a year of casually dating you, he'll be free to scoot off.

MelonBuffet · 07/10/2018 15:37

If you can't even ask him what his expectations or requirements are without worrying about seeming over-invested, I'd say bin him off, it will end in heartache. Even if you start out wanting the same thing, any time you ask anything of him, you will feel worried about over-stepping the mark, fearful that he will end things because you broke the rules etc.

If you both don't want a relationship then going away together and being in contact a lot doesn't seem to be in line with this.

Nothing wrong with getting the boundaries in place before you go any further, for both your sakes. In a conventional situation the rules become clear as time goes on and you discuss where you both stand. If you can't do that, its bound to cause problems.

HollowTalk · 07/10/2018 15:38

He might say that he doesn't want to see others, but surely he has to see that if he is only seeing one person and is sleeping with them, that amounts to a relationship in most people's eyes. I would ask him outright if he is just looking for a friends with benefits situation.

TroysMammy · 07/10/2018 15:39

Does his name begin with the letter E and is in his early 50's?

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2018 15:41

He is free to see other people and have sex with them and devote time to them, whenever he wants.

At any moment he can leave and end he connection between you without a look back.

He owes you nothing, won’t be there for you if you’re ill or experience a trauma.

Sounds awesome Hmm

Musti · 07/10/2018 15:41

Of course you can talk to him. I would tell him the type of relationship you want and ask him what he wants. I'm online dating now and I make sure they're clear with what I want from the start. No point in continuing to see each other if we have completely different expectations. I wouldn't want to be would someone who wants to live with me nor who sees other people.

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:41

No troysmammy but I imagine these men number in the millions!

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Singlenotsingle · 07/10/2018 15:42

Just say that you don't either, and you consider you're both free agents. You might want to say that you'll only Shah within a relationship though (or is it too late?)

Singlenotsingle · 07/10/2018 15:44

Shah being a euphemism dreamed up by my phone! It doesn't like rude words! Grin

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:45

I did tell him I was also getting to know someone else, this was when he said he wasn't seeing anyone else.
The thing with the other person has since ended because he wasn't a patch on this guy and I couldn't be bothered in the end.

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Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:46

And yes it's too late for that!

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Oysterbabe · 07/10/2018 15:47

I had one of those. Turns out it meant he reserved the right to trade me in immediately and without remorse when someone else caught his eye.

Haireverywhere · 07/10/2018 15:48

Someone to hang out with and shag. A friend with benefits? Not someone to love and cherish.

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:49

oysterbabe that would be my main concern. I wish to be treated with respect!

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PierreBezukov · 07/10/2018 15:50

Not too late.

Say you'll only shag if it's a committed relationship, from now on. Even better, dump him.

MelonBuffet · 07/10/2018 15:52

Well just because you already have, doesn't mean you have to carry on shagging him if he isn't in the same place as you.

It sounds like you want a fairly casual relationship, not moving in and making him step-dad to your DCs, but still...some sort of relationship, where neither of you are shagging anyone else and you are each others' 'go-to' person for chatting, socialising and sex. That sounds like a relationship!

When you say "So I also don't want a "relationship" as such" it means you DO want a relationship of some sort and you don't really know where to draw the lines.

The only way to make sure neither of you gets hurt is to work out where those lines are for both of you, and what you can both expect, up front and if that scares him off, he's not even a FWB as that implies being friends!

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:52

But I don't want a committed relationship!! That would be my idea of hell right now.
I would like to know he is being honest (and how would I know that?)

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Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:54

Makes sense melonbuffet
What do I ask him?

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