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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I think when he says...

91 replies

Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:12

"I don't want a relationship" (which is fine and I am not looking for a conventional relationship either) but his actions seem to be very....relationshippy? He's very warm, affectionate, has invited me to go away with him, is in contact a lot.
I don't know him well at all yet so difficult to know if this is just the way he is.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 07/10/2018 15:55

So you want a relationship that means you can both see other people if you happen to meet someone else, just casually date, not become attached or close and not start to factor the other in at all beyond the next week's date?

Haireverywhere · 07/10/2018 15:56

Maybe say exactly what you DO want and see what he says?

twattymctwatterson · 07/10/2018 15:58

He likes the idea of you getting emotionally involved and wanting only him but he will ultimately drop you. I've met this guy before. Don't get involved with him.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/10/2018 16:00

He isn't necessarily a bad person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting a committed relationship. Stupid people often misunderstand this and think that if you have sex with someone regularly then you must be 'in a relationship, there must be monogamy, and you must be moving towards increased commitment, or one of you is bad/messed up/dishonest.
It sounds as though he wants more of FWB situation and is not interested in progressing towards moving in/marriage etc. Nothing wrong with that. The thing about FWB is that you are friends and treat each other with kindness and respect, even if you only spend limited time together.

Though one thing to look out for (and I have no idea if your chap is one of these): some men insist they don't want a relationship but what they actually want is to make the woman want a relationship with them. So they keep saying they don't want to commit or get serious, but they behave in a very romantic, committed fashion up until the moment the woman mentions that things seem to be getting a bit relationship-like, or suggests that they go exclusive or something. At that point, such a man considers he has 'won' the game, and his prize is an opportunity to treat the woman like shit until he gets bored and moves on. These men also tend to target women who are independent, confident and secure and who genuinely don't want a committed relationship, because destroying such women is an even bigger prize to a man like this.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/10/2018 16:06

It means he can keep his options open, because he has been honest with you. It means that he can enjoy the benefits of a relationship, without fully involving himself.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket OP. he has told you the score, no matter how nice he is.

happypoobum · 07/10/2018 16:10

The frequent contact = frequent support and ego boost for him.

Take a step back and be honest. How many of your needs are being met?

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 17:19

happypoobum well actually I'd say my needs are being met - the most obvious one being he is attentive in bed, and my only other needs really are company and cuddles when my dc are not with me - which was why he invited me away next weekend, because I stated that to him and the invitation was his response.
He has also fixed a couple of things in my house, unasked, which I thought was lovely (but not necessary). And he travels to me, every time. So there's no way it's one sided. Just a little ambiguous maybe?

OP posts:
Onlyfamandclosefknow · 07/10/2018 17:20

It sounds like you do actually want a relationship but are scared of one.

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 07/10/2018 17:22

Sorry posted too soon!

It's confusing isn't it. I guess you're not friends so it's not FWB. More just casual sex with a bit of DIY and the odd dirty weekend away Wink

WasFatNowThin · 07/10/2018 17:22

He's not married is he?

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 17:26

100% not married. I got to know him through work (although we don't work together) so I did some digging before I allowed anything to happen. He seems safe, just unknown.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 17:31

And I don't really like dealing with the unknown!

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 07/10/2018 21:04

What is it you want that you are not getting, OP? It sounds like you are getting on well with him at present, and there's no need to worry about defining what kind of relationship this is when you could just be enjoying yourself.
It may not last forever, but that doesn't make it worthless. No one knows what's around the next corner anyway.

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 21:18

I don't really know the answer to that to be honest! I think maybe I am used to being quite blatantly pursued and this guy isn't chasing at all, he is just....doing things on his schedule and including me when he can and wants to...as opposed to dropping everything and coming running like I've experienced previously!

OP posts:
Goldilocks3Bears · 07/10/2018 21:36

We’ve had several threads on this and I have some thoughts on previous comments which I will share as I feel OP should consider these for herself before demanding answers. Not everyone will agree with me and that’s cool ....

  1. if you are older than 40, divorced, have kids at home, etc then the traditional “relationship” lifecycle of dating, moving in, marriage etc. is out of date and no longer applies. Sure, you can do these things and plenty do but other than maybe the fear of dying alone, there is actually zero reason for most modern women and men to feel any kind of pressure to ever do these gangs again if they are otherwise happy with the way things are.
  2. if you do not want “the fairytale” ideology above, you are in no position to ask anyone else for justification for them not wanting it either.
  3. commitment in a relationship to me means: monogamy, friendship, respect, trust, love. Decide what it means to you.
  4. you can make your own rules you know. Because you chose to not live together, does not mean you can’t have a loving long term relationship. It does not mean he’s having his cake and eating it, just using you, blah blah either and there are plenty of people in here who will confirm that anybody dropping you when they feel like it has fuck all to do with whether they are a fwb of a few years or husband of 30 years.

You have no guarantee for this so you can either come to terms with that or climb the crazy tree even higher.

And finally - this man is SHOWING YOU who he is and he is acting great from what you say so why all these questions?! Why is it you feel you need a verbal contract when he’s showing you he’s there for you, makes plans, fixes shot in your house etc?!

Chill girl. This sounds like what you have capacity to deal with yourself and you are trying to box it in and make it fit some sort of template.

Kup please

BitchQueen90 · 07/10/2018 21:38

If you really just want a casual set up then you wouldn't be analysing it so much. I'm a single parent and have had a casual/fwb set up for a while now. The whole point of it is it's supposed to be just fun.

Some of the stuff you've said about this other guy "not being a patch" on him and that you're worried about him up and leading suddenly for someone else does suggest you're a bit more emotionally attached than you might think. If my fwb said to me he'd met someone else I'd be fine with it because I have no romantic feelings for him.

There's a line you have to draw somewhere. If you don't want commitment then you just have to go with the flow.

Goldilocks3Bears · 07/10/2018 21:44

Some really strong comments on this - some from painful experiences with toxic people it seems - so OP please don’t walk away from this thread paranoid and thinking he’s the worst person alive - you might need to step back a little and/or decide to re evaluate over a few weeks. Only you know his man.

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 21:53

That was a pretty good summary goldilocks thanks for sharing your thoughts. I also just watched that video on another thread about how when a man says he doesn't want a relationship what he means is he doesn't want a relationship with you. These kinds of things, along with the types of comments I've had on this thread, throw me off track and then, despite not wanting a traditional relationship myself, I start questioning whether what we have is acceptable to me.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 07/10/2018 21:55

It's good to question it and something made you post but don't let something you are happy with, if it works for you, be derailed by a thread!

kezzy13 · 07/10/2018 21:58

Is it my ex husband Grin

PawneeParksDept · 07/10/2018 22:03

He's just not that into you.

Walk away

If he comes back to you and says actually don't end this, I'm willing to commit, rethink. He probably won't.

Goldilocks3Bears · 07/10/2018 22:30

Omg 🙄

OP has said on at least two occasions she does not want a relationship as such and now HE is not that into her?!

“The thought of a traditional relationship fills me with dread and I’m unwilling to commit enough for you to meet my kid .... but could you just let me know precisely and in great detail what you’re thinking and give ME reassurance that I’m not wasting my time that would be great thank you.”

PawneeParksDept · 07/10/2018 22:43

Then I really don't understand what the issue is. Confused

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 23:15

Neither do I actually pawnee Grin think I need to chill and enjoy it and not over bloody analyse.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 07/10/2018 23:30

He just sounds like he's being nice. Maybe he's just a nice guy who doesn't want a relationship with you? If that's okay with you then you've done well (as you don't want one either).

I would always work on the assumption that he is seeing other people, and keep the option open for yourself. You're essentially FWB. I know you're not "friends" but if you carry on then you will end up in the same position after getting to know one another better, so it's just semantics.