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Original poster

What should I think when he says...

91 replies

Sundaybluez · 07/10/2018 15:12

"I don't want a relationship" (which is fine and I am not looking for a conventional relationship either) but his actions seem to be very....relationshippy? He's very warm, affectionate, has invited me to go away with him, is in contact a lot.
I don't know him well at all yet so difficult to know if this is just the way he is.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 07/10/2018 23:42

Well you could say to him that how it is now meets your needs, and put in a request to always be treated respectfully. So no ghosting, no sudden silent withdrawal. Keep in communication even if it’s bad news.
Really the whole idea of commitment can only mean at best that someone intends to stand by you. The most we can ask of anyone is that they stay alive within the relationship, even when no promises are made.

pockledigg · 08/10/2018 04:35

I was in this situation - for 4 months. Eventually I told him that I was off as I clearly wasn't good enough to be his girlfriend - no ultimatum - I just told him I'd made up my mind as it wasn't doing my self esteem any favours. He asked me to be his girlfriend the next day (nothing changed - we were like GF & BF anyway) and almost 12 months later we're still together (and he's about to move in). Turns out he was just scared of the whole 'relationship' thing - there was no 'having your cake and eating it' intention. Just basic human frailty.

Monty27 · 08/10/2018 05:53

I cba with a person like that and simply bin them. i have been single for a very long time Grin
I will never be taken for a ride. Metaphorically and blah blah 😂

IAmAllAsttonishnent · 08/10/2018 06:03

🤔🙄😒

I would think - EXACTLY what he is telling you. He doesn’t want a relationship and probably never will.

You sound like you ‘don’t’ right now, fair enough your business.

My concern with this situation (many friends have been in your shoes and I’ve yet to see it end well) is that men don’t ‘not want relationships’ they ‘don’t want a relationship with YOU’

No matter how uninterested you are in a relationship if the right person comes along you work it out between you.

To still say ‘I don’t want a relationship’ a couple of months into seeing each other means you’re simply not the one/ never going to be so why bother?

ImogenTubbs · 08/10/2018 06:09

It means you can't rely on him or trust him and he can let you down without feeling guilty about it. Again, totally fine if you are self-sufficient and only want something casual.

Doghorsechicken · 08/10/2018 06:13

He wants to be friends with benefits. If you can do that, great! If you think you’ll get too emotionally invested please back out now.

NotANotMan · 08/10/2018 06:22

There's really nothing wrong with a friends plus benefits situation. Are you falling in love with him? Because if so, be careful, you may get hurt. But do you just like him and enjoy his company sometimes? Then try not to worry about what happens if/when it ends and just enjoy it while it is happening.

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 08/10/2018 11:02

Well the thing is that he hasn't said it since the second time we met up (in answer to iamallastonishment) and since then he seems much keener.
To clarify, I don't want a relationship that follows the traditional path - spending lots of time together, meeting each other's family and friends, moving in together etc - but I am really into this guy. He's so flipping hot and just bloody lovely. I enjoy the time we spend together very much.

OP posts:
Goldilocks3Bears · 08/10/2018 11:05

Then just roll with it would be my advice. He probably said the relationship thing because in his mind it’s the old definition and neither of you want this.

This arrangement has its challenges - logistics being a big one - but he’s taking the lead on making sure you get together.

Keep giving him jobs to do around the house.

IAmAllAsttonishnent · 08/10/2018 11:16

If he’s not said it since the second date I would be much less concerned than if it were months down the line and still saying it.

That wasn’t clear in OP

I wouldn’t condemn him for saying it on second date. It may just follow its own path

ArsenicNLace · 08/10/2018 11:37

Saw this yesterday on here thanks to @ImNotonLinkedinNo. So true and would have saved me a load of wasted time!

He's just keeping his options open until the right person comes along which is fine if you're happy with that.

Goldilocks3Bears · 08/10/2018 12:33

The “right person” for what?!

Again, another post focused on the end goal being matrimony...

Charlottesshoezzzz · 08/10/2018 12:41

Listen to the man. He has been upfront & told you he does not want a relationship. The sweet talking, talk of holidays away & keeping in touch is his way of grooming you for sex on tap with no commitments. If that what you want go for it.

When men say that they don't want a relationship.... that means well... that they don't want a relationship with you & that they don't see you as relationship potential. He's made his mind up regarding this & has had the decency to tell you & not play mind games. He's being polite, to get his sex on tap, with no commitments that's all.

Bluntness100 · 08/10/2018 12:45

I suspect you do want a relationship with him, or you wish to feel he wants a relationship with you, as other wise you wouldn't be questioning it.

Because you've got what you want. So if you didn't want more, you wouldn't be asking, the fact you are says you want more or want him to want more.

Goldilocks3Bears · 08/10/2018 13:07

Oh ffs you drama llamas - park your own issues and read the thread?

OP doesn’t want a relationship, she doesn’t want to meet the relatives and friends, but he’s really hot and good company.

Who is playing who?!

ArsenicNLace · 08/10/2018 13:07

Goldilocks

The right person to have a committed relationship with!! I never mentioned matrimony or even thought about it and this comes from a person who has never married and is very happily single!

Stop projecting your own issues!

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 08/10/2018 13:12

I suppose it depends on what his definition of a "committed relationship" is and it also requires me to know what my definition is.
Like I said, initially I was seeing another guy at the same time - I was open about this with both but the other guy paled in comparison and I just couldn't put energy into it after a while. So had I been asked 2 months I wouldn't have said exclusivity/monogamy was high on my list. Now on the other hand...imagining him spending a day the way we spend a day with someone else...doesn't feel good.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/10/2018 13:13

Goldilocks, calm yourself down there.🙄

Botanicbaby · 08/10/2018 13:17

Sorry OP but I think you’re going to get your feelings hurt if you carry on with this one.

He’s played the ‘get out of jail’ card quite well. You’re saying you don’t want a ‘conventional’ relationship and that’s fine but his actions by being “relationshippy” are confusing you. I don’t believe in “the one” or that end goals have to be marriage either but...from your posts I think you’re more invested in him and this ‘neither fish, nor fowl’ set up will only make you unhappy in the end.

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 08/10/2018 13:19

I get what goldilocks is saying! It bugs me also that people think everyone's (every woman's?) goal in life is to find someone to marry and have kids with. As it happens that was my goal in my 20s and I achieved it....and now I'm divorced and wonder why on earth I ever thought that was a worthy goal! So I am totally ok with him not wanting that either. I think what I saw was a mismatch between his words and his actions and I questioned it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaybluez · 08/10/2018 13:21

Quite possibly I am more invested. I'm finding it hard to tell.

OP posts:
Goldilocks3Bears · 08/10/2018 13:30

So I (calmly 😂) return to my previous points. Don’t worry about labelling it, see how it goes, if it feels wrong then walk. If it feels right, carry on.

Ps - whatcha gonna do if he starts wanting “more”?!

Original poster
Sundaybluez · 08/10/2018 19:29

I'll cross that bridge if ever it comes goldilocks but this thread has made me think it won't!

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 08/10/2018 20:04

Agreed with Goldi.

As a single parent at 29
I was looking for a good man to father my child and be committed to me.

I met and fell in love with my dh
Been happily married 20 now.

If I was single now, my children all flown the nest...., I'd wouldn't be looking for a husband to father my child - I'd be looking for exactly what Op has.

Hot and lovely. No agenda.
Just enjoy each other.
If may not last- or it may develop into something amazing.

Love happens most when you're not expecting it.

Just go with the flow op.

Charlottesshoezzzz · 08/10/2018 20:42

I'm shocked at how some of you are glamourising his direct message of 'I don't want a relationship ' and implying some romantic fairytale could come of this!

He has said that he does not want a relationship for God's sake!!!!

No man says this sort of shit to any women who they care about in the slightest! Men know pretty early on what they want from the woman & what their agenda is.

He's said it plain & clear.

Op if you are happy with this then carry on, nobody is here to judge you but there really isn't any 'sort of flow' to go with, it's a casual non committed arrangement in which he has made up his mind & clearly states his intentions.

Many times I've had to deal with heartbroken friends who've been told this but in their head made up some romantic fairytale like what's being said here.... he's just not that into you to want anything further & he's told you this.

Although I'm no mystic Meg it's Very unlikely that any fairytale situation develop here.

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