Husband angry about lack of sex

[CatzAndDogs]

My DD is nearly a year old and we literally haven’t done it since I was pregnant. Also have 2 other older children. The problem is I don’t want to do it, at all. I have no desire whatsoever – not for DH or for anyone else for that matter! Just feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed most of the time. The last thing I want to think about is sex. Even before DD3 we didn’t do it much, although at the start of the relationship we had it all the time (sounds familiar I know!!)

Well, DH has been getting annoyed about it. Keeps saying stuff like - we’re obviously never going to have sex ever again.... I’m too young never to have sex.... He keeps saying how frustrated he is. I understand where he is coming from and I told him I wanted us to sit down and talk about it. I told him I wanted to explain what I’m feeling and maybe we can figure out how we can make things better. But he gets really annoyed about this and doesn’t want to talk – he says nothing is going to change and it’s pointless. He basically wants me to say OK let’s do it, or to say that I don’t want to do it. He basically says if we do not do it soon then we will have to make other arrangements – in the past he has said we will have to see other people (meaning, he will see other people).

I don’t know what to do next. I do understand that being frustrated from lack of sex is really difficult. But I can’t separate sex from the rest of our relationship and I feel like I am being bullied (with this topic and in other ways too). In the past I have given in to his needs but felt horrible about it. I want sex to be part of a respectful and mutual pleasure and I try to explain this to him but he says I am making excuses and if I really wanted it I would just do it. I don’t know how to explain to him that his demands and bad feeling are pushing me further away from wanting it. But then I start to feel guilty and like I am somehow abnormal.

First things first you need to be honest with yourself because in your posts you appear to be interchanging two different things. Either you are exhausted and have no labido or you don’t want to have sex with someone you’re emotionally disconnected from.

With hindsight, having a child made me much more critical of my relationship with my Ex. The fragile equilibrium in our relationship was totally blown when DD came along, my expectations for her were greater than my expectations for myself. I was the default parent and the default maid and I hated it and to add insult to injury I was being groped at every opportunity. It took a long time to realise that my lack of labido was directly correlated to where we were as a couple. He wasn’t interested in bridging the emotional gap, only the physical. Therapy didn’t help because fundamentally we wanted different things and were both no longer invested enough to make compromises.

However an act of violence against me woke me from my stupor and made me get off the bloody fence. Funnily enough, he though that sex might be on the table after the split but I made it very clear (which I think shocked him) that I neither wanted or felt the need to.

I’m not saying you should end your relationship but you do have to acknowledge that not wanting sex with your H is a symptom of a much bigger problem. A problem that having children has exposed, rather than created.

I don't think it's clear whether the problem was already there though. It's possible that OP is re-writing history because she's now emotionally disconnected and they have drifted to this place over time.

There are also other issues that are not resolved in the relationship surrounding his past controlling behaviour and his anger issues.

Your issue is so NOT about sex.
You’ve said it yourself. He was controlling and you belieeve he is using sex as another way to control you. That he wants to be in control of absolutely everything.

Please find a good counsellor and go and him/her ON YOUR OWN.
Have a hard look at your relationship and the reason why things ar tense at home/you dint want sex/you don’t feel you can trust him.
Then decide what you want to do, if there is anything that can be done about the sex or indeed about the relationship as a whole.

But that just little snippet you gave us in two posts makes me thing bully or abusive.
Do you really want that?

Lookong at this from a slightly different angle, it seems sex was an issue before dd3 but you had sex to conceive and once that happened you stopped. He may well feel you no longer are attracted to or love him and that he was simply used as a sprem donor.

He knows you don't fancy him which is why he turns you down if you try, he's not simple lookong for a hole to stick his dick into he wants to be wanted and desired.

The many threads on here from the rejected parners in sexless marriages shows how much it chews away at your self worth, he is expressing his frustrations in a way that makes him an unpleasant person, but rejection does create resentment so its easy for that to show through.

You say you have zero libido and no desire towards anyone so while his behaviour isn't making anything better even if he was being the perfect husband there that wouldn't necessarily mean your libido would be rebooted.

You probably need some counselling as this relationship is no longer viable for either of you, you need to look at wheter the whole thing can be resolved or whether you would both be better off splitting up.

If you're offering sex and he's turning it down, consider that he might be being nasty deliberately to hurt you or he's getting it elsewhere.

Lots of differing messages but the reality is it isn't any one persons fault. It sits on both sides but ufortunately it sounds like it might have gone too far. I get that the OP hasn't wanted sex, and husband sounds like he has been patient but it has gone too far and it is at the point where he is angry and as I have said earlier, is a typical reaction when there is a long standing loss of intimacy. Relationships just don't survive in these circumstances

I have recently had a friend...not massively dissimilar in ways. Been happily married, both good jobs, both very equal around the house but lost the intimacy. My friend by her own admission has neglected that side of their relationship, despite him trying to talk to her about it in a very reasonable way ( her words). In fact by her own admission she has been selfish and too focussed on other things which were not really essential. She has now missed the opportunity to sort it out as he sat down and in a very reasonable manner discussed how he felt and that he wasn't going to argue any more about it as things were not able to change, so he started the process of leaving and divorce in due course. She is devastated and all she wishes is that she could have a second chance/wishes she had taken more notice. She has pleaded everything to him but in his mind it has gone too far and if she had been bothered, she would have done something earlier and at least tried to work together mutually on it. Is there another women? none of us think so for a number of good reasons

What is the point of this? As long as it is a blame game, including on MN it isn't going to move forward. Sometimes it takes one person to swallow pride and go further that they would ideally want to, but only if they want a relationship long term. Don't sort it out and don't have a marriage. Simple really

Have you tried laser hair removal?

I keep being astonished about the callous responses on this forum. Just bizarre.

You don't owe anyone sex.

Even in a marriage (!!!), it's very much a two-way street. Interesting that some posters seem to think you should just lie there for his sake. Wake up and smell the 2018 coffee.

Something to consider (for him, not you) might be how he can support you better so you're less stressed and actually able to feel like you want to have sex. He could also think about ways of making this about YOUR pleasure, rather than his.

There isn't an easy solution to this, considering he doesn't want to talk about it. To me, based on what you've said, it sounds a lot like emotional blackmail / potentially abusive pattern. It's really good that you're able to recognise that!!!

Whatever you decide to do with him (or without him), don't go against your needs, it's difficult enough for a lot of women to recoginse what we want and need (or don't want and need).

Yawn. It's always the same.

When the DW has the low libido, 'he sounds abusive', 'why would he want to have sex with someone who didn't want it', 'he should be helping more around the house so you aren't so tired!'

When the DH has the low libido, 'he needs to go to his GP', 'rejecting you is actually emotional abuse', 'he can't unilaterally cut off your sex lives'

I pretty much stopped having sex with exh after DC3 was born. I realised when we separated almost three years later that it was nothing to do with losing my libido due to having young DC/being exhausted, I just didn’t love him anymore. My libido rapidly returned when we split! So I know for future reference that libido issues are more a problem with who I am with rather than with me.

I feel sorry for your DH in ways. I would struggle to go a month without sex, never mind almost two years! It would be a definite dealbreaker for me personally and I would have to consider leaving. My sympathy for him wanes when I read what a dick he is being about it. You need to sit and decide what is best for you both.

I know this is few weeks old and the OP hasn't been back in a while.
But OP, you really need to reconnect.
Would he agree to some counselling together?

Sorry but, no sex for that long, would also be a deal-breaker for me.
But you have your reasons and that is why you need some joint counselling. You need to be heard, and so does he.

I definitely feel you need to look at the overall relationship first and foremost. I myself have found libido totally went out the window for several reasons but they all had an underlying emotional factor from his side , ... emotional affair, hidden very frequent porn use, anger management issues, all at same time as menopause! all added up it does little to ‘put you in the mood’ and I suspect if you were generally happier in the relationship you would probably make more of an effort, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t have sex with someone you ‘don’t want to’ but if you do and everything else is good you are going to have to take some positive action

OP what do you want to happen? I agree that you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to but equally if he wants it then he is going to go elsewhere. He shouldn't have to go without sex indefinitely.

I'd feel extremely unattractive if my husband didn't want to have sex with me for 18 months.

Did the op say it's 21months? Otherwise, I don't know where you're all getting this from. She said since she was pregnant, which was less than a year ago (dc3 is nearly a year old).
Agree with pps you're not going to want to have sex with someone who treats you so badly, you don't owe anyone sex. I think you should consider LTB.

Almost a year old = 12 months
Pregnancy = 9 months

21 months total, give or take a couple of months

Op said they haven't done since she was pregnant, which she still was less than a year ago.

I think most people are taking that to mean since she got pregnant.

She said sex was an issue before ttc which implied that the sex they had then was probably functional to conceive rather than an intimate connection within the marriage.

Whether it's been 12 months, or 21 months, without sex, this is FAR too long.

How utterly frustrating, to lie naked next to your Partner, for a year or more, with no intimacy whatsoever. No wonder he is snappy. I would be too. Yes, yes, he's not covering himself in glory, and he most likely knows this, but for fucks sake, what gives? He's not an emotionless robot....he is bound to have strong feelings about this. Every time he sees a sex scene on TV, or something that turns him on...he knows that there is NO CHANCE of any intimacy for him. And he's only young. I think the threats about looking at other women, and shock tactics, to try to spur the Op into some kind of action.

It's all very well, PP saying things like "you don't owe anyone sex"....no, you don't, however, a person has no right to deny their Partner sex, and then demand that they don't seek it elsewhere (eventually). You can't force someone to be celibate, ffs.

I sometimes think, that there are a hell of a lot of people with low/non existent libido's, that just have no comprehension of how a person with a high sex drive feels, when they are denied sex by their Partner. It is not tenable, in the long term.

I would go so far as to say, that if the husband in this scenario did eventually cheat, that it's difficult to label it as cheating, as he's not having sex with 2 people at once. His wife is essentially his room mate at this point. There's no sex, no intimacy, no bonding....they are just co-parenting, which is not enough. Well, it's not enough for the person who still wants sex.

Honestly, I think Op has to try to get intimate here, and hopefully this will reignite something.

If you keep ignoring this, he will eventually fall in to bed with someone else. He's a man, not the Pope. And I'd say the same for a woman who was having intimacy withheld.

My ex husband and I went four years without sex due to his alcoholism. It was soul destroying, my self esteem was none existent and no matter what I did it never happened. I didn't pressure him into it but I did attempt to discuss it sensibly many times. Our marriage ended for lots of reasons though.

I know that there's a lot going on in this, but in the meantime at least check the simple things, like what contraception you are using. The wrong hormonal contraceptive shuts down your libido and oddly, also makes you convinced you've never had one.

Whilst a person should never try and control another or force them to do something against their will, you do have agency over what you will and won't accept in your own life. For me a sexless relationship is a massive nono. I've told my current partner if the sex stops then we are going our separate ways. I have lived through a sexless marriage once and will never accept the same ever again. Just be fair warned if you cannot repair your intamacy then you will be getting a divorce....it really is that straight forward.

You are not abnormal, at all, I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who behaved the way he does either!

Quite. Sounds like he's just looking for an excuse to have an affair.

If he really want to have sex with you, then he needs to listen to you and lighten your load. Then maybe wine and dine you a few times until you DO feel like it.

Then maybe wine and dine you a few times until you DO feel like it

After a whole year (or more), of no shagging, there's no way I'd embarrass myself, by wining and dining someone, who had already made it very clear, that they did not want to have sex with me.

You don't owe anyone sex

I disagree. If you enter into a monogamous sexual relationship with someone, it is wholly unreasonable to withdraw sex and expect the other person to remain faithful.