Husband angry about lack of sex

[CatzAndDogs]

My DD is nearly a year old and we literally haven’t done it since I was pregnant. Also have 2 other older children. The problem is I don’t want to do it, at all. I have no desire whatsoever – not for DH or for anyone else for that matter! Just feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed most of the time. The last thing I want to think about is sex. Even before DD3 we didn’t do it much, although at the start of the relationship we had it all the time (sounds familiar I know!!)

Well, DH has been getting annoyed about it. Keeps saying stuff like - we’re obviously never going to have sex ever again.... I’m too young never to have sex.... He keeps saying how frustrated he is. I understand where he is coming from and I told him I wanted us to sit down and talk about it. I told him I wanted to explain what I’m feeling and maybe we can figure out how we can make things better. But he gets really annoyed about this and doesn’t want to talk – he says nothing is going to change and it’s pointless. He basically wants me to say OK let’s do it, or to say that I don’t want to do it. He basically says if we do not do it soon then we will have to make other arrangements – in the past he has said we will have to see other people (meaning, he will see other people).

I don’t know what to do next. I do understand that being frustrated from lack of sex is really difficult. But I can’t separate sex from the rest of our relationship and I feel like I am being bullied (with this topic and in other ways too). In the past I have given in to his needs but felt horrible about it. I want sex to be part of a respectful and mutual pleasure and I try to explain this to him but he says I am making excuses and if I really wanted it I would just do it. I don’t know how to explain to him that his demands and bad feeling are pushing me further away from wanting it. But then I start to feel guilty and like I am somehow abnormal.

After both my DDs I went off sex. Yes I was exhausted but mainly it was because DPs did nothing to help with baby or any housework. They put me down for not making enough effort with my appearance and called me a selfish nag for asking them to hold the baby while I did housework. Yes I picked 2 shitty partners to have DCs with!

If I had had a DP who pitched in and wanted an equal partnership rather than a slave/housemaid then I would definitely have wanted sex. If your DP has no respect for you, how can he expect you to want sex with him?

Do you love him? Does he love you?

He sounds like a bully and I don’t blame you for not forcing yourself to have sex with him.

I don't blame her either but they either need to take some action towards rekindling sexual intimacy (not just talk about not wanting sex) or split or have an open relationship. This clearly isn't working. Both of them are unhappy.

After several years of lurking, this is the post which finally prompted me to join.
Some of these posters should be utterly ashamed of themselves for daring to suggest that he has a right to treat you like shit over this. "Poor lamb can't get his end away - no wonder he is throwing a tantrum" - no no no no no. What are you meant to do? Open your legs and shut your eyes? What a hideous way to live.
If you are being truthful when you say that you have attempted to discuss the issues with regards to your relationship as a whole, then I believe you have done your part trying to fix it. There is more than one type of closeness and if he would engage in a truthful, loving, respectful dialogue, that may well be the kick start your sex drive needs. The fact that he refuses to engage, gets angry and makes you feel scared to be completely honest tells me alot about the real problem, and it isn't sex.
A GP would probably prescribe some sort of cream for your irritating arsehole but really, what else is there from a medical perspective? Your sex drive disappeared after a baby - so far, so normal. Instead of supporting you and making efforts to maintain closeness, your DH decides to go in the huff - so not normal. Your sex life was down but he has made damn sure it didn't get up again. This is not your fault, OP. Please don't let him bully you.

I agree with @greendale17

OP’s DH is behaving badly. Too much to make those kinds of hints/threats. It’s nobody’s duty to have sex in a marriage and that kind of pressure is also an instant turn-off. Thing is I also understand the frustration, loneliness (within a relationship), lack of self-esteem and ultimately anger this can cause. Have felt the same things myself - sex is part of it, but it’s really that feeling of intimacy and closeness (when it’s there it’s lovely and affirming, when it’s not it can feel a big deal). In our case DCs are older, but they still consume large amounts of time/energy/mental load, and we are both now working. I feel sad there isn’t more lovemaking and would like it back. But it takes two to make that happen and you’ve both got to want to work at it. In my DW case, can see she’s tired and stressed most of the time - and I’ve been petulant about it at times. Am trying first to ease that and stop dwelling on what’s not there, and try to make space for more time together. Exercise helps, too!

It's been 21 months since you've had sex?

To me that's a serious concern if not deal breaker!

@Charlie97

Nobody's balls are going to fall off for not having sex in a year. He can still wank in a sock with his eyes closed. Or maybe one of those fleshlight things. Imagine the friction burn with a sock!

Have you both been openly talking about this for over a year or has resentment quietly built up culminating in his recent behaviour?

Rather than get tit for tat at who is in the wrong I think you need to consider couple's counselling or split up because ultimately you have changed the deal by saying you don't want sex again. If you don't want sex that's fine but it'll be a deal breaker for lots of men and women.

@SpeckledDot it's not a year, it's 21 months! Before you start attaching maybe get your facts right..... just a suggestion!

Getting angry about it wont help but a year without any sex is a long time. My own marriage ended after 8 years of no sex, not the sole reason, after our firstborn we just stopped it didnt take long for intimacy to disappear.

You have to both find a compromise if you don't want sex but he does then no ones going to be happy it's unfair on the pair of you.

A fleshlight. Your lack of understanding of the impact of a sexless marriage where it's the result of a unilateral decision is shocking.

Google sexless marriage impact on emotional health and relationship quality.

It's a problem if it's a problem for one if you. No sock can fix it.

@Onlyfamandclosefknow excellent post!

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with no sex for a year. It would destroy me. I have almost no feeling left in my vagina due to birth trauma but I value the closeness and intimacy that it brings.

I'm going to piss off most of Mumsnet but the more you say no the harder it is to say yes. The more sex you have the more you want. It really is that simple.

You have unilaterally decided that sec is off but expect your DH to remain faithful. I think that's a really shitty thing to do.

I do feel a bit sorry for him. I went through a period where my libido was non existent and someone recommended to me to DTD when I felt that I could and as often as I felt I could, on the basis that once you get started you might enjoy it, plus the more you get back into it, the more interested you become. It worked for me!

It's usually the same with this type of thread. If and poster dares to say that it's not fair to unilaterally withdraw sex from a relationship then it is translated as "just lay back and think of England, you owe your husband sex". No one should engage in any sexual activity unless they want to! But it is really unfair to do absolutely nothing about a complete loss of libido if it is negatively affecting your partner. If it were me then I would do whatever I could to try and get my libido back. I'd see my GP, go to relationship counselling, organise more time for us and try to get that spark back etc.
Sex is about more than just an orgasm! It's intimacy, love, confidence. IMO it's incredibly important in a marriage.

*any poster

I think not having sex after a baby is very different to not having sex at other times so I think it’s really unfair for a partner to get huffy about it and I think you should make that clear.

The hormones that cause you to bond with your baby , especially if you are breast feeding stop you wanting sex This is a natural process to allow you to focus on baby and for your body to heal.

I think a lot of people who do have sex in first year are doing so out of obligation,rather than desire. I bet if your husband calmed down and was more supportive your desire would start to return in the next few months.

MysteriousQuinn
I agree.
We realised that the less we have, the less we want it and before you know it there's a new normal.
There's no need to have lie back and think of England sex, but sometimes taking your time, enjoying intimacy and seeing where it goes can get you over the 'I'm not that bothered tonight' feeling which can happen a lot during a rut.
I do find MN can be a bit funny on sex. Some people think that if you're not noisy boinking 10 times a week with quiet quickies in the during the adverts whilst DC cleans their teeth, you're clearly not having good sex, whilst others think it's fine to unilaterally pull sex off the table and expect the partner to lump it if they love you.

Sheesh, I do not understand why the op is getting so much grief here. It's like people just haven't read what she's written.

She's tried to resolve it. Repeatedly. He's either turned down her advances, or declined to work with her on what she needs to be turned on. It's hardly uncommon for women to need emotional and relationship connection to be decent before they feel up for sex, and he's actively denying even discussing that, while at the same time clearly moaning that he's not getting his end away and threatening to go elsewhere for it.

He is not a very nice person.

I thought same, what hell are they reading, she’s tried to talk to him he just slags her off and threatens to find sex elsewhere and when she makes effort she’s belittled again, we all agree sex is important but who wants sex with a pig that is angry with you all the time and won’t discuss a resolution. You don’t want sex with him OP because he treats you like dirt, next time he starts on you tell him to go fuck himself.

He probably thinks you wanting to talk about it...is you trying to manage his expectations and get him to be okay with a sexless marriage.

Could you try writing him a letter expressing how you feel, as he doesn't want to talk?

Is he a hands on dad?

Are you a SAHM? With other DC at home?

Does he do enough household chores?

Do you manage any date nights?

Having young kids is stressful. Not having a partner that doesn't do enough and thinks because he is the main or only earner, he can leave everything around the house/with the kids to you is annoying.

Men who want sex and do nothing or minimal housework or parenting just don't get it. No woman will want sex in those circumstances...because she's run ragged. I know that feeling.

If he pulls his weight and you've just gone off sex...then the situation isn't sustainable and it will come to a head.

There's talk about how you don't have to have sex with him. You certainly don't. No question about it...but a sexual relationship is a key factor in marriage...that's why a marriage isn't consummated without it.

The other thing is it could seem to him that having sex comes with a list of conditions associated with it,

The issue is this doesn't just happen over night. You start not having sex and the frustration builds up, the feeling of rejection, the lack of intimacy causing distance, so he reacts because that's what he's feeling, then this on turn causes the op to feel she doesn't want to have sex with him because of his behaviour, so tells him he has to address it to have sex again, and he feels his feelings are valid, so it all just perpetuates itself.

It could also be with three kids she has lost her libido and he's reading it as rejection of him, particularly because she's telling him it's his fault, it's how he's behaving. Him saying no can easily be because he senses she doesn't want to, and he doesn't wish to have sex with someone whose just doing it to appease him.

I don't think it's helpful to say he's a horrid person, more they need to listen to each other and understand each other's view points, and communicate better, because if they can't their marriage will end.

This thread really shows how going into denial in a relationship problem is only going to get worse as it then turns into a no end vicious circle.

It inevitably leads to 'I'd had sex with you if you respected me and treated me well so that my love would makes me find you sexually attractive'. You need to make change.

'I'd be nicer and more respectful towards you if you cared for my needs for sexual intimacy'. You need to make the change.

When you get stuck there, there are only two ways forward, breaking up or accepting that Both need to make efforts to take into account the other's needs and seek professional help to help about how to go about it.

It's the vicious circle that needs to be broken and understand both sides.

I found that I felt like you, however once we got into it, I really enjoyed it.

This was brought up for us in counselling and it wasn't because I didn't love or fancy him, I was just always soooo tired. We agreed to make time and put it in diary for a wed evening or whatever, but it had to go both ways, he would give me a massage, kiss, cuddle etc not just wham bam thank you ma'am.....

My libido started to come back after that and now it's 50/50 On who makes the first move.