Husband angry about lack of sex

[CatzAndDogs]

My DD is nearly a year old and we literally haven’t done it since I was pregnant. Also have 2 other older children. The problem is I don’t want to do it, at all. I have no desire whatsoever – not for DH or for anyone else for that matter! Just feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed most of the time. The last thing I want to think about is sex. Even before DD3 we didn’t do it much, although at the start of the relationship we had it all the time (sounds familiar I know!!)

Well, DH has been getting annoyed about it. Keeps saying stuff like - we’re obviously never going to have sex ever again.... I’m too young never to have sex.... He keeps saying how frustrated he is. I understand where he is coming from and I told him I wanted us to sit down and talk about it. I told him I wanted to explain what I’m feeling and maybe we can figure out how we can make things better. But he gets really annoyed about this and doesn’t want to talk – he says nothing is going to change and it’s pointless. He basically wants me to say OK let’s do it, or to say that I don’t want to do it. He basically says if we do not do it soon then we will have to make other arrangements – in the past he has said we will have to see other people (meaning, he will see other people).

I don’t know what to do next. I do understand that being frustrated from lack of sex is really difficult. But I can’t separate sex from the rest of our relationship and I feel like I am being bullied (with this topic and in other ways too). In the past I have given in to his needs but felt horrible about it. I want sex to be part of a respectful and mutual pleasure and I try to explain this to him but he says I am making excuses and if I really wanted it I would just do it. I don’t know how to explain to him that his demands and bad feeling are pushing me further away from wanting it. But then I start to feel guilty and like I am somehow abnormal.

Jesus, if a man knows you don't want sex and offer to appease him he's a rapist. If he turns you down because he knows you don't want to and are just trying to appease him, he's a prick.

Seriously there is no win there is there.

It's really hard to separate out the relationship and the sex. Chicken and egg.

I know that physical rejection really impacts on me as it's a primary love language. No sexual intimacy is a relationship deal breaker for me. I have been with someone in the past who had a 'I'm alright Jack' attitude, didn't want sex anymore and was happy never talking about it etc and it turned me into someone who brought it up all the time and sniped about it just like your partner. In the end he admitted he wasn't prepared to see the doctor, read up on sexual intimacy and where I was coming from, try to change things etc. I left him.

All I can suggest is you be honest.

I'd have a lot more empathy for the OPs H if he tried to sit down and have an intimate and reasonable conversation with her.

Poster above has it nailed. It is coercian and it is illegal. Not that the police would do anything with it, mind you. Not that they don't want too but it's the burden of proof and chances of conviction. Personally, on reporting my own stuff, I largely felt them to be empathic and supportive.

Regardless. OP, have been in your position. Young children, demands on your time, exhaustion. All are passion killers. Raising young children is amazing. We are all being asked to be these ethereal 'super moms' but the reality is very different.

You're doing great OP. You are clearly not being supported enough. There are ways round the lack of sex drive. I'm happy to pm you my own thoughts on how to get desire back. But is not an overnight fix.

for me at least, a pre-requisite of sexual relations is that the other party is at least fucking NICE to me

Exactly this and it doesn’t sound like your DH is OP. Do the other problems (anger issues etc you mentioned) pre-date the lack of sex? If he’s controlling and aggressive it’s no wonder you’ve ended up not wanting to have sex with him.

I wonder if saying exactly what I’ve quoted from mynamechangemyrules post to him might make him start to examine his own behaviour? Because that’s what’s needed if you and he have any chance of sorting this out. You sound pretty self aware, you’ve obviously done a fair bit of thinking about the reasons behind the problems but it doesn’t sound like he has. He’s not taking any responsibility for where your relationship has ended up, that’s obvious from the way he turns it all back on you when you try to talk and until he does you will go round and round in a vicious circle.

I’ve been where you are and I wish I could tell you what I said to my DH to make him wake up but I don’t actually know. All I can tell you is that I kept chipping away, telling him how he was making me feel and not holding back and eventually something clicked. I don’t know if he had some kind of big epiphany or whether what I was saying just had a sort of drip effect but his behaviour and attitude has changed drastically now. Maybe he just grew up, I don’t know.

A lot depends on how far down the line you actually are and how much more you can take before this relationship does you major damage. It was worth sticking it out for me but only you know whether that’s the case for you, we all have our own limits.

OP - these situations are so difficult and more common than people realise. Also not black and white.

On one hand - there is your exhaustion and relationships issues that affect your drive.
On the other hand - there is your H, and long lack of sex on his side, that affects how he is both physically and mentally.

There isn’t an easy overnight solution there, unfortunately. And many men (or women) in this situation end up either breaking up, or cheating.
If you both wanted to save the relationship - counselling maybe a good first step.
And, if your mismatched libidos have been always present - some version of opening up the relationship makes sense, but in reality is very hard to deal with.

I think there are conflicting issues on both sides...but whatever going on from here is critical to you as a couple. You need to work out the issues on your side and be honest with yourself if you want to be with him. With that, the reality is that very few relationships can survive without a decent sex life...not just for the pure physical joy but the intimacy and closeness it brings. IMO it is all very easy for people to say how awful he is, but he is as frustrated as you are tired...so there needs to be some compromise and a willingness to try and come together.

As a previous post says, start trying to have some cuddles, time together as some date nights. Dress up and make an effort, not just for him but you as well. Maybe some cuddling in bed after may bring back the feelings of desire

Ultimately if the feelings don't come back then you both need to question your future together which sounds like a shame if you get there...although plenty do

He's looking at other women but it's your fault. If you believe that then you'll believe anything. Why would you want to have sex with such a disrespectful shitbag?

I don’t think he sounds like a prick nor do I think he’s horrible.

A year is a long time to go without sex.

I agree he isn’t going about things the right way. It’s a horrible cycle where you don’t want sex so he’s fed up and makes his feelings clear which makes you want sex even less which makes him even more frustrated.. and so on

No sex is horrible. He’s probably thinking “why should I make the effort when she doesn’t even want to have sex with me?”
Long before he got frustrated and angry you obviously didn’t want sex. Him now vocal with his feelings towards the lack of sex just makes it even worse for you to want it. So why didn’t you want it in the first place?

I don’t think any relationship can survive when one person wants sex and the other doesn’t. He might not be going about things in the best way but I just think he’s frustrated and feels unwanted.

It's a year + 9 months. He's going about dealing with it in the wrong way but so is OP. He's right in a way that nothing is going to change because OP doesn't want to want to have sex again.

Well over a year without sex is a hell of a long time. I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that, sorry.
You are well within your rights to never have sex again if you don't want to but you can't force another person to be celibate. You need to either deal with your lack of libido, let him find sex elsewhere or seperate IMO.

your lucky, its been 10 years without sex for me, am i frustrated, absolutely, will i leave her, no i wont, and there is no end in sight, when i talk to her about it all she says is " you only want me for my body ", good grief, if that was the case i would have left her years ago.

Christ, some of the posts on this thread. What's she supposed to do, just let him fuck her because he's being a petulant knob about it and it's easier? It is no one's duty to have sex with anyone else, despite what people on this thread are suggesting. He won't even talk about it when OP tries!

Unfortunately OP your husband is being as utter dick. Have you tried telling him that you need to find him sexy too want to fuck him and that being moody about no sex and threatening to have affairs (that would be 'your fault ') is about the least sexy behaviour going?

He sounds horrible, anger issues, control, wanting it his way all the time, talking about eyeing up other women as a threat to you, won’t hear your reasons for not feeling like sex and when you do he accuses you of faking, sorry but I’d not want sex either under any of those conditions, Its not the sex it’s him wanting total controll and no give and take, personally I’d tell him to feck off, no respect no relationship.

After 21 months maybe he is more interested in actions rather than words? Now I don't mean just having sex that you don't want but actually making changes like seeing a healthcare professional, maybe suggesting time together doing something nonsexual you enjoy, etc.

He certainly isn't going about this the right way but, like many men, he is not going to be good at dealing with negative emotions and he will be hurting a lot right now. I suspect he is saying hurtful things about affairs to try and shock you into action. This kind of self-destructive behaviour is pretty typical.

I reckon if you look back at the last 21 months there may be a time earlier on where he has tried to express concern and you haven't either registered that properly or haven't acted like it is important. It seems that all you want to talk about to him is why you aren't interested in sex rather than how to get your relationship back on track. At the end of the day he won't want to listen to reasons why not at this stage I'm afraid that boat has probably sailed.

So, if you really care about this man, now is the time for action to begin to make things better and reduce the levels of resentment in your marriage.

I really hate how a woman’s sexuality and biology is steam rolled over by what men “need”. It is very normal to go off sex for some time after having a baby - it’s natures contraception. But there’s so much pressure on women to ignore that and keep her man happy.

Added to that I wouldn’t want sex with a man who was so utterly callous towards me. It sounds like he doesn’t even care if you want it, or would enjoy it, he just expects you to give him access to your body. What has he tried to get you in the mood? Dates? Childcare? Finding out if there’s anything he could try that you might enjoy? Or just sulking and threats?

Hopoindown31 seriously?

He’s an adult, he’s perfectly capable (or should be!) of expressing himself without bullying, intimidating and threatening his wife because shock horror, sex has dropped down the agenda now there’s a baby.

Your ability to absolve him of responsibility while placing it firmly on OPs shoulders is horrifying.

It’s a horrible cycle where you don’t want sex so he’s fed up and makes his feelings clear which makes you want sex even less which makes him even more frustrated.. and so on
I agree.
He hasn't handled it well and has acted like a bit of a prick tbh, but at the same time over a year of no sex would take it's toll on most people in a relationship.

I wonder if some couples mediation to talk things through is the next step. If fundamentally it's a deal breaker then it might be time to call it a day and heave a healthy coparent relationship rather than a tense romantic relationship.

I'm just trying to suggest some positive things that the OP could do within her direct control to get things improving. It's okay to sit behind a keyboard and point out the negativea about her husband and say that babies take priority but that doesn't stop the OP's relationship being in crisis.

No it doesn’t, but neither does making it sound like it’s all her fault and he’s just a poor soul who can’t behave like an adult.

The bottom line is you both need to have your say and you both need to truly understand how each other feels or at least try and empathise with them.

The emphasis of that above statement is on you both needing to have your say.

If he doesn't let you talk, if he doesn't let you voice your emotions and your reasons then there is no point discussing it. You can't get through this without being respectful of each other.

At the moment it sounds like he is wholly disrespectful of your emotions and needs because he is frustrated and angry that you won't fulfil his sexual needs. Without talking, this will get worse for both of you and will end negatively.

I get where you're coming from op. My sex drive is pretty non existent since I had my first son (although I've since had another 3 so obviously we do still have sex just nowhere near as often as we did)

Your oh sounds awful tbh. Obviously going without sex for so long must be frustrating for him but once he'd told me he was going to have an affair and it would be all my fault I would have packed his bags.

My dh did get frustrated of course but we spoke about it. I told him that most of the time I was just too knackered to even contemplate sex. He wanted sex so he started doing more around the house and with the kids. We'd have date nights and share a bottle of wine to help me relax a little. This didn't always end up with us having sex either. He didn't want me to fee pressured into it and that the expectation of him doing these things was that he was going to get sex at the end of it. It worked to some extent and we certainly don't have sex as often as most couples but definitely often enough to stop him getting frustrated about it.

You need to work together if there's any hope of getting through this. Try again to get him to talk and let him know the reason for you going off sex. If you don't know the reason maybe a trip to the gp to see if it's a contraception issue or something. And try to get him to understand that the way he has behaved so far is going to put you off even more not entice you into bed.

I think you need to either split up or consider an open relationship.

I think I understand where you're coming from OP. My husband is, and has always had, quite a selfish, controlling manner. He's never been helpful around the house and after the children were born he didn't improve, leaving me to do all the chores as well as the child care. I felt unloved, not respected and exhausted. Meanwhile, he wondered why I didn't feel in the mood for sex.

I too tried to explain how I had to feel loved and respected before I could feel like having sex again, but he was never prepared to change himself. It was always my fault, my problem, my lack of libido.

Yes it has been a long time since you were both intimate, but if you're being put under this pressure I get why you're not interested. If he's not prepared to listen to you and understand your feelings too, then nothing will get resolved.

If you want to rekindle the relationship then I'd agree that couples counselling would be a good idea if you can get him to agree to it. You both need to listen to each other and be able to talk in a way that you aren't bickering or blaming. Good luck with working things out.

You're within your rights to not want it. But, you are unreasonable to expect him to live with this.
From his point of view you are rejecting him and sex is an important part of a relationship. Maybe he feels now you've got your babies you don't need or want him anymore. Not saying that's the case, but could be how he feels. I don't think he's being horrible, I think he's lashing out in frustration.
You do need to talk, but talking can't just be you telling him it's not going to happen and why. That's probably why he doesn't want to talk. You need to both come up with some ways to compromise and move forward. If you can't then you need to discuss your options.

I felt similarly. Am sure breastfeeding had a lot to do with it as well as exhaustion. I BF for a year each time due to family history allergies and asthma and totally did not feel like sex ever that year. TBH we never got things back on track and separated years later. There were opportunities to have resolved things and some attempts to reignite things but when he wanted to i was still too exhausted and then when I wanted to he was too angry and had distanced himself. I read something recently from relate which said partners should see it as a joint problem and not blame each other but work together to fix it. My dh was so angry and vile to me about it that I went off him completely. It would have felt like I was forcing myself and I found him abusive. He would be a miserable git and then at bedtime expect me to magically flick a switch and see him as attractive. I totally get he was annoyed and frustrated and felt rejected but the way he treated it as something being wrong with me and nasty comments was what killed the relationship. in the end I couldn't bring myself to try with someone who was being a bully. I wish someone had said to him early on to put the blame and anger aside because it would make things worse as then we might have got through it when things got easier with the kids instead of splitting up. Don't underestimate how hard 3 kids are. My dh also didn't exactly pull his weight so there was a lot of other resentment going on which didn't help.