I need to get over this - bad office break up

[willbefine88]

I’m in desperate need for advice and emotional support here and any thoughts are welcomed.

I’ve worked with this coworker (same team! He sit right behind me) for almost 1 year with no issue until one day he confessed his feeling to me. Before his confessional, we would normally grab lunch or breakfast at work together he would show his caring and would time himself so he can take the tube/train with me often (all this happened for like 1 month). And I was also interested. When he confessed I told him I like him too. He has a lot of internal struggle because he was with his partner of two years at the time. After about 2 weeks from the confession he had the conversation with her and broke up with her. She moved out and he also moved out of their shared flat. He told his parents and best friends about what happened and about me. We began dating as soon as he moved out. The whole dating only last 1.5 months. But it was the sweetest. He’s Italian and therefore very romantic. He made me feel like I was the air that he breathed he couldn’t live without me, that kind of love. Initially I was scared because I felt that we jumped into this too quickly and I wanted him to take time to “mourn” his past relationship but he convinced me I was all that he needed and he was so good at showing that, even best friend who was skeptical at first also was convinced with his intention. The oersin who wasn’t totally invested was me because I had doubts and also was still trying to get over my own ex-relationship too.

Things were so great until 1 evening I went to his place and he was distant, I knew he went to have a coffee with his ex that day. He had tears in his eyes and said he missed her. We then had 2 hours talk when he mumbled a lot of stuff including he felt he didn’t give her enough of a chance, he was so happy with me and it was perfect with me but it could be because we were only at the beginning. In the end he broke up with me. There and then. My heart was shattering in pieces.

Now the worst part is, we work together. He’s sitting right behind me at work. It has now been almost 2 months since the break up. The whole thing with him from start to end was only 3 months, extremely short, it’s a whirlwind office romance. My heart is breaking everyday coming to work. I’m good and acting so on the outside I laugh and smile and be very professional with him and no one at work knows about us. It doesn’t affect my quality of work but my heart is aching everyday and 2 months after the break up I’m still in pain.

I couldn’t make sense or even have a closure because everything happened during the good time just doesn’t tie with his decision. Even at the end he told me he was happier/happiest with me I was the best thing happened to his life but yet he went back to his ex. Last week I asked him If all was a lie, he said no they were all truths they were how he felt at the time. He doesn’t seem hurting at all which makes it even worse. And sometimes I want to slap him and rip him apart for abandoning me but yet have to swallow all that and be polite and professional with him.

I need to get over this, but not by changing jobs because why would I have to I have a great job and I love it. I don’t know how. I time heals because I’m seeing him everyday.

He is a cunt.

For him the grass was greener. You were new and exciting and he threw away his relationship to pursue the new and exciting toy, with no regard for anyone else.

But the fact is that he wants the relationship with her. Mow he has played with the new shiny toy, he realises he wants he old favourite toy back.

I am so sorry you are hurting. He love bombed you. He doesn't really care about your or her and he sees you as objects to pick up and put down as he wishes.

Wouldn't surprise me if he tries to keep you on the hook for when he is bored again.

You can get over this once your realise he is a cunt. It wasn't real. It's not you. It's him he is a dick and you deserve so much more.

Put yourself in the other woman’s shoes and think about the heartache he caused her. They lived together, he breaks up with her over an office crush (you) and three months later he regrets it and begs her back. And she takes him. Think about the head fuck he’s doing on her and how much pain he’s caused her. I bet you’re not the first crush either.

Now put yourself in her shoes. That would be you two years down the road. You feel secure in your relationship, you’re planning your future and he comes home and tells you it’s over, he’s fallen for someone else.

Asshole, is what he is.

Thank your lucky stars you dodged this bullet before you wasted years of your life on him. And feel sorry for his girlfriend. He will cause her more pain down the line.

His head got turned by someone new but the reality wasn't all that and he went back to his girlfriend. I'm sorry but it's not hard to understand!
He's an arsehole for flirting with you when he had a girlfriend, and he's a dickhead for lovebombing you and jumping into a relationship with no mourning period but you are equally as stupid and irresponsible for encouraging the flirtation and allowing yourself to get sucked in to such an intense and unsustainable relationship so quickly.
I suggest you look for a new job if you can't get over it.

He made me feel like I was the air that he breathed he couldn’t live without me, that kind of love

This is fairly standard for Italian as is the dicking about. You dodged a bullet.

Don’t know what to suggest about your job though. It will get easier over time.

To be fair as well op, you knew he was the type to go looking for his next girlfriend while already committed to someone else.

Op sympathies- I’ve had a situation with someone at work and it’s the 7th circle of hell. I found this article useful though x

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-can-i-keep-up-the-no-contact-rule-with-my-guy-at-work/

I wouldn't label him an asshole. I'd say he is emotionally very immature though.

He split with his girlfriend to be with you. He wasn't to know at any point she'd take him back so that was a huge gamble. Also, it doesn't make him look good to his ex's friends and family. (In the event he did want her back).

He was clearly smitten with you, getting a new place, telling friends and family...
You were new and exciting and maybe he was enjoying that first flush of romance, exciting when compared to the reality of living with a long-term partner.

Bottom line is he realised it was his ex he wanted. That is awful for you, but at least you weren't together that long and he came clean about his feelings quickly so you weren't vying for his affections or being g cheated on.

In your shoes, I'd be reminding myself that I had a lucky escape. It's his girlfriend that will now worry if his head will be turned again.

Hopefully, for her sake, he has learnt a lesson from this. I've heard of similar stories when the guy has learnt and married the first partner.

So yes, immature and reckless, but no, not an absolute asshole. I understand this will probably not be a popular opinion though.

Sorry but he started to basically pursue you whilst he was with someone else and you encouraged it. You should have rebuffed him there and then as he was showing you he was a creep! But instead you go along with it and now your “heartbroken” over a month long relationship? Seriously get better at recognising an asshole and get some morals whilst your at it. Like someone else up thread , I have more sympathy for the actual girl friend . I hope she dumps his ass and gets a much better bloke .

Agree with above; you got involved when you knew he was already living with a gf; not cool, and shows him out to be a real user. Also, I'd not get involved with anyone I work with for this exact reason.

He loved bombed you cos he wanted a change, to test the other side of the grass; he then realised nah, I want what I had, sure he liked you OP but clearly not enough; I think you need to stop breaking your heart over someone that treated you so badly.

I will appreciate greatly any suggestion and advice to get through this difficult time.

@casperandme: thank you for the link. How long did it take you? Anything you can share would be great.

I understand the sentiments from some people saying that I shouldn’t get involved and I’m partially at fault. Perhaps, but unfortunately I’m too naive and inexperienced I couldn’t control my feeling and even though at the beginning I pushed him away and during the 1.5 months the first half was pretty much me asking him to take his time and going through the mourning, he gave me a very convincing explanation that his relationship was doomed anything etc I know I shouldn’t believe that and shouldn’t have gotten involved. I was stupid I know it now. Sorry if my action upset some people.

Your actions don't upset me. Because they don't impact me.

But you know for next time that you should never get involved with someone in a relationship. Not even discussing feelings.

As I said, my advice is you need to realise you dodged a bullet and he is a dick. He didn't give a shit about you or her.

When you realise he is a dick you will realise you haven't lost anything.

Couldn’t live without me, that kind of love.

Tip that will help you your whole life - that isn’t love, any kind of love.

Focus on the fact that you really did dodge a bullet there.

And he was romantic because he’s Italian? Really? Come on - you don’t really think that do you?

I don’t even believe his story. Why would they both move out?

You made a mistake, that’s life.
If it’s unbearable at work, why not let it spur you on in your career - leave for something better! (but it must be for better)

Sadly I wouldn’t say it ever became ok but I learned to coexist with it ulif that makes sense?

Sorry but he started to basically pursue you whilst he was with someone else and you encouraged it. You should have rebuffed him there and then as he was showing you he was a creep! But instead you go along with it and now your “heartbroken” over a month long relationship?

^This. Don’t play the inexperienced and naive card. Have some self respect.

Sounds like a creep but there are two lessons to be learned from this story

1. Don't shit on your own doorstep
2. Don't encourage/entertain men/women who are attached

What did you expect? He was with someone else.

@Notacluewhatthisis: yes, lesson learned. He is a dick and I need to keep remembering that.
@Casperandme: hope one day that will be all behind you.
@greendale17: no need to be so nasty. You don't know me, no need to say unnecessary thing to insult people like that. What you're doing is cyber bullying.

I've just been through this exact situation op by the way. I was the fiance that was left for a 19 year old co-worker (he is 38) we lived together and had been together for nearly 7 years. Let me tell you it was the worst time of my life, absolutely devastating. In the future please steer clear of people that are already in relationships? Like another poster said, have some self respect.

Cyberbullying? She's just giving an opinion. Do you know how painful it is to be left like that, for someone else? Planning your life with someone and they leave you just like that?

You have to take a look at why the grieving process is taking longer than the actual fling. Find your anger. He used you. He crapped on his girlfriend. He isn't worthy of your sadness or broken heart. See him for what he is - a player, a user, selfish, entitled, impulsive, stupid jerk.

So you like your lessons hard - that's okay because it will stick better. Lesson is - Don't get involved with the man in the cube next to you. Ever. Even though you sit in these intimate office spaces 3 feet from each other for 40 hours a week and some closeness can develop - don't get involved. Expect feelings to develop due to time spent sitting so close together for so much time, but never act on it.

@Craker20: sorry you're going through this, I can imagine it must be terrible. But saying I'm playing the naive/inexperienced card and that I have no self respect is insulting (you're doing the same btw, for telling me to have some self respect...what makes you think I didn't?). Saying things with no ground and basis to hurt other people feeling and hide behind the keyboard sitting on your high moral chair and judge people, that's cyber bullying. It's ok to tell me I was stupid, sure I accept that because I was to naive to trust his story his promises his reasoning. But do not tell me I need to have self respect. You don't know me.

@willbefine88

but unfortunately I’m too naive and inexperienced I couldn’t control my feeling

^You said that yourself in an earlier post. So yes you are playing that card.

Pursuing a man that was already in a relationship and then encouraging clearly demonstrates that you have no or little self respect.

To accuse me of cyber bullying because you don’t like the truth is insulting

Ahem.
You started a relationship with a man who already had a partner. That is not the actions of a person who respects themselves.

Can you move roles or teams etc? This was a very brief affair which he regrets and you should too for getting involved with him and not waiting until he'd had some time apart from his partner if they split. You weren't naive to trust his story, you were naive to be unaware that he was bound to rethink once reality of the affair wore off and may have gone back to his partner. It happens all the time!

This was not a whirlwind romance, why are you so hung up on it and not ashamed? I agree you lack self respect.

Why would you accept the attention of a man already involved with someone else? At no point did you stand up to him and say to him that he is treating her badly. You never once let it put you off him that he’d treated another woman that way. Don’t you think that makes him yukky that he did that? That should put you off? You should have had respect for the other woman but you were more concerned about your own feelings and letting him love bomb you. You are worryingly naive and worryingly disinterested and detached from what’s right and wrong. I suggest you urgently find a counsellor to help you. Do you have any real life (not work) female friends? If not, then this behaviour is exactly why. You aren’t capable of setting and enforcing personal boundaries. You are at future risk of being taken in by all sorts of weird and untrustworthy men. Please seek urgent help.