I need to get over this - bad office break up

[willbefine88]

I’m in desperate need for advice and emotional support here and any thoughts are welcomed.

I’ve worked with this coworker (same team! He sit right behind me) for almost 1 year with no issue until one day he confessed his feeling to me. Before his confessional, we would normally grab lunch or breakfast at work together he would show his caring and would time himself so he can take the tube/train with me often (all this happened for like 1 month). And I was also interested. When he confessed I told him I like him too. He has a lot of internal struggle because he was with his partner of two years at the time. After about 2 weeks from the confession he had the conversation with her and broke up with her. She moved out and he also moved out of their shared flat. He told his parents and best friends about what happened and about me. We began dating as soon as he moved out. The whole dating only last 1.5 months. But it was the sweetest. He’s Italian and therefore very romantic. He made me feel like I was the air that he breathed he couldn’t live without me, that kind of love. Initially I was scared because I felt that we jumped into this too quickly and I wanted him to take time to “mourn” his past relationship but he convinced me I was all that he needed and he was so good at showing that, even best friend who was skeptical at first also was convinced with his intention. The oersin who wasn’t totally invested was me because I had doubts and also was still trying to get over my own ex-relationship too.

Things were so great until 1 evening I went to his place and he was distant, I knew he went to have a coffee with his ex that day. He had tears in his eyes and said he missed her. We then had 2 hours talk when he mumbled a lot of stuff including he felt he didn’t give her enough of a chance, he was so happy with me and it was perfect with me but it could be because we were only at the beginning. In the end he broke up with me. There and then. My heart was shattering in pieces.

Now the worst part is, we work together. He’s sitting right behind me at work. It has now been almost 2 months since the break up. The whole thing with him from start to end was only 3 months, extremely short, it’s a whirlwind office romance. My heart is breaking everyday coming to work. I’m good and acting so on the outside I laugh and smile and be very professional with him and no one at work knows about us. It doesn’t affect my quality of work but my heart is aching everyday and 2 months after the break up I’m still in pain.

I couldn’t make sense or even have a closure because everything happened during the good time just doesn’t tie with his decision. Even at the end he told me he was happier/happiest with me I was the best thing happened to his life but yet he went back to his ex. Last week I asked him If all was a lie, he said no they were all truths they were how he felt at the time. He doesn’t seem hurting at all which makes it even worse. And sometimes I want to slap him and rip him apart for abandoning me but yet have to swallow all that and be polite and professional with him.

I need to get over this, but not by changing jobs because why would I have to I have a great job and I love it. I don’t know how. I time heals because I’m seeing him everyday.

I'm going by what the op says. I comment on the situation as presented.

I dont know about ideal. Would it have made a difference to his relationship with op if he'd waited a couple of months? I suspect not.

Omg, GET TURNED OFF.
He was presumably with his partner, happy with her, couldn't resist somebody on his team, so like a cross between a labrador puppy and a fucking bulldozer he dumped his partner had a fling with you, hurt her, hurt you, and now you have to recover from this with him on the same team as you at work. The man sounds like he doesn't know his arse from his elbow. I would get so turned off by that. Make yourself be turned off by this fickle nature and this lack of forethought and lack of commitment (to even his own ideas).

HOld your head up high at work. Eventually eventually it will be easy.

Agree with a pp, don't get sucked back in to little chats, coffees, grabbing a sandwich. Breezy hi, breezy bye. Do not get sucked back in.
I've been love bombed before and what is going on is that you turned out to be a real person and then it became impossible for him to continue to project his fantasy on to. Because as he got to know you you were no longer the blank screen, perfect for projection.

Exactly, fantasy is the word.

OP sorry you're having a hard time. I think you have to accept posting the post you did will get on some people's backs because some of them will have had experience of being the partner being left in similar circumstances.

As for your actual question, heartbreak is a hard thing for anyone to go through but it's always harder when you have to see them regularly. I took over ten years to get over someone mainly because I still had to see him twice a week because of a team we were part of. That made it unbelievably hard to get over him and took me years and tbh I should have left sooner for my own sanity. Part of me wanted to be around him though.

I'm not saying you need to leave your job but it would be easier on you if you weren't in so much direct contact with him as much as you are.

You will get over it.

loved what @notacluewhatloveis wrote.

Interestingly, you see yourself as a victim, the girlfriend will see you as the cheap office flirt who stole her boyf. The boys of course would have put the blame at your door. 'She tempted me... she chased me... I was confused... we were going through a bad patch..'

You find it difficult at work right now. The boyf won't be. But his girlfriend will. The fact he is going to work and sitting near you everyday will be chewing her up. I bet he finds himself a job soon. Hang on in there.

It sounds like an infatuation. I hope your next relationship is more successful. xx

@Notaclue: no I didn’t do what you assumed. Pls stop assuming. My fault was to believe him and everything he said and did and got involved with him too quickly. That was my stupidity.
@onlyfamandclosefknow: yes, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, like I said there’s a lot more than meet the eye (ie from a few lines of my summary in my posts) and I’m seeing a psychologist every week for the next couple of months.
@WhataPan: sorry you went through that, I hope you found peace now that you moved.
@category12: yes just strictly professional now, and polite even though all I want to do is to rip him apart and slap him and scream at him for hurting me.
@SandyY2K: thank you for your comforting words. Yes, I’m taking everyday as it is. Taking a walk during lunch time when I need to cry and shedding tears surprisingly helps releasing some of the tensions. I talk to my close friends too and I have a very good support system. I hope I will be over this one day.
@Craker: I do leave details out as I said I’m not here to tell my life story, but here to get advice. And no I didn’t pursue him, it’s the opposite, until he broke up with her and told family and friends about it and told him about me. Yes he broke up with her because his relationship didn’t work (or so he thought) and he wanted me. At that point he was taking a risk because I wasn’t welcome the idea of dating him when he was still with his partner (and I told him he need to work on his relationship!)
@ferrie: thank you, I appreciate your advice. I’m having therapies, meeting friends, joining clubs, meeting new people, doing sport and boxing as a way to channel my pains. I’m working on it. Even tho sometimes when I feel almost better then coming in the office seeing him right there and have to work with each other intensively it almost feels like I’m back to where I was. This will take time, I know, I hope one day I will get there.
@straighttalkerneeded: I don’t disagree with you, I was too swept up by the “big gestures”. Broke up with his partner (without getting any assurance on my side basically he took a risk) and told his family and best friends about it and he told me which at the time seems so logical the reasons why his relationship wouldn’t work. He even sworn to me he didn’t break up because of me (which I knew later was a lie) but he was going to break up anyway. I said I was naive and inexperienced and some people said I was “using the card”, some people are so cynical...I had 1 relationship my entire life and I haven’t seen bastards like this to see the red flags. I was stupid to believe him.
@ImNotinLinkedin: yes you are right, perhaps he realised the fantasy didn’t play out his way, he told me once that with me he had to compromise a lot more whereas with his ex it was easy and always his way. We are strictly professional now and small talks only in the context of a big group with other people, while just me and him I ignore him and walk the other way and no more lunching or coffees. I will never get sucked back into it. And even though I do blame him for hurting me and did what he did to his partner and me, I also know he’s not a horrible person he I know he will not try to muddle the water. This also means I have lost a friend, before all of this we were very good colleagues/friends.
@Pinklady: sorry you went through it, 10 years...my gosh... may I ask how long were you together with that person? I have to see this guy daily he sits right behind me, and I work with him intensively. I’m going through living hell. I felt emotional most days and always inconsolable when talking to my therapist and often walk alone during lunch to have a moment to myself and cry. I keep a strong l face at all times at work though, and very good at that. No one have a clue what I’m going through.
@Expectingmyfirst: please don’t assume.
He didn’t blame me he took the blame on himself, why? Because the history and details which has no importance to why I’m here so I don’t need to explain. He broke up with his partner due to the history and issues of their relationship (or so he told her) and when he told her he started dating someone else she didn’t know it wasn’t a coworker, so no, she feels no pain regarding him working with the ex flame, if this is important for you to know. I did suggest politely (again there’s no background to this so pls don’t start saying I’m selfish don’t wanna move job and ask him to move instead etc) to him that he should move job because of XYZ reasons, and he had said very clearly no. But thank you for your message, I hope it was just infactuation too and I would feel fine soon but surprisingly I’m still hurting 2 months after it finished.

for you willbefine. It's never easy breaking up and yours is especially hard.

I think you'll find there's a lot of maturity and experience on MN.

That is, a lot of the posters know their stuff.

All your talking to him - even if it consisted of your 'work it out with her/go back to her' - and spending lunch/train rides with him was giving him the VERY clear message you were interested. He absolutely had you in the bag when he left his partner - or he wouldn't have left her. Your behaviour very clearly advertised your interest.

Posters talk about your self esteem because you didn't join the dots: that if he could do it to someone he was living with in an established relationship he could do it to you. No it wasn't 'loves young dream' and 'he just couldn't help himself' - he was cheating. Cheating is a nasty thing to do, there is never justification for it. He was sending the very clear message that this is the sort of nasty thing he does.

So he used you - and is no doubt using her. He's a knob but you couldn't see that at the time.

So don't be thinking MNers are judging you when they can see as clear as day what you can't see and didn't see at the time. It's called experience.

@Notaclue: no I didn’t do what you assumed. Pls stop assuming. My fault was to believe him and everything he said and did and got involved with him too quickly. That was my stupidity.

This man shared his feeling because he got a hint you were interested.

When he told he had feelings you didn't say 'I am not interested in a man who says things like this while still attached.

You told him how you felt. And then got with him immediately. You clearly let it be known if he left her, you would be waiting. That's your mistake. You got involved where you shouldn't have and it got messy. Which it often does.

Lordy. It's a mad old world when you can't spend a lunch break or chat with a male colleague about their relationships without that being assumed to be showing an interest in them. If best stop doing that right away and only ever talk to the women in my office then

@springydaff: no doubt about their experience, but yes they assume they know and they judge. Because it’s “cheating” and it’s “the other woman” so they automatically assume she’s the victim and I’m the villain. Yes she is the victim, as much as I am. Having lunch break/coffees and taking train together is so common in the office world these days... like @ferrier said above...and I spent all of that telling him how to work things out with her, they were and trying to explain to him why he his relationship was going through difficult time and that it’s normal just need to try harder and I blamed him for not spending valentines with her and their anniversary etc. Yes relationship started on a wrong foot 2 years ago and he convinced me it shouldn’t have started anyways etc and I kept telling him that’s wrong to think like that etc. I gave him zero assurance about me waiting for him. In fact when he broke up with her and went to me, for a good couple of weeks I was struggling badly with the whole idea and have made it very difficult for him as well. This is not cheating, leaving a relationship to pursue a new one is not cheating. If anything, he came clean to her and his family as soon as he had feelings for me. Again I don’t even know why I had to explain all of this, it’s not the point of this thread. All I want to say is, people need to stop simplifying (or belittling?) other people’s problems and situations and would be helpful to just provide the advice based on the question how to get over an office breakup.
@notaclue: you will continue trying to get your point across and I will continue saying ‘not true, stop assuming’, you had no idea what I told him during the month leading to him breaking up with her and how I straighten him out when he told me he liked me. Yes I said I like him too but there was a lot more to it I didn’t mention here. Stop belittling my struggle and assuming you got my situation figured out.
@ferrier: I may get shouted at again but it could be a generation gap or if not then perhaps some of the ppl here don’t work in an office environment. Maybe I should just stick with the girls next time for lunch (lol!)

Honestly in addition to my depression and struggle with this break up, I have to come in MNet to do all these explanations and therefore relive my pain, just great!

You are not in any way a “victim”. You made a poor choice and this is simply the consequences. As PPs say, it’s easily avoided - don’t get into inappropriate faux “friendships” with men you work with who are in relationships!

“I’m too naive and inexperienced I couldn’t control my feeling”.

Bleugh. Grow up!

As for getting over it, suggest keeping your head down and working hard at work: if you like your employer stay, if you don’t perhaps look to move jobs.

If you are depressed, seek help with that.

And do some self help on your “boundaries” in relationships and radar for “love bombing”/cheaters’ bullshit.

@loopy: growing up is a process, yes I’m going through that after every time I fall. It’s not easily avoided, it wasn’t not “faux inappropriate friendship” stop assuming. Thanks for the advice in your second post. I have a great job and great trajectory so I’m not leaving, not for this shithead anyways.

From the info you’ve provided it is clear that it was never a friendship.

I mean this kindly, but if you have PTSD, then please focus on getting well again, and don't have relationships until you are- you're not going to have the resilience to handle them when you're unwell.

@Loopy: exactly my point. Stop assuming based on the little info I provided. It’s not the point of this thread.

@chateaurouge: thank you. I’m not planning to get into a relationship until I’m ok again...which I don’t know when. I cannot handle anything right now when I’m still way emotionally affected from this mess. I was surprised when I was diagnosed with PTSD, I always considered myself a very strong person or at least exterior wise :)...The therapies haven’t helped either but it’s only 3 sessions in so we will see.

OP on a public forum a lot of it is assumption and you can't control which aspects of your posts people focus on or make up.

Getting yourself well sounds like a good first priority. You'll only attract the wrong sort otherwise anyway.

How old are you OP?

Op, ignore the Old Testament witch burners. As an adult, you're allowed to talk to anyone you like. It's ludicrous to think it's the job of the world's women to ensure that men never leave their relationships.

Of course people meet other people and break up with partners. It's life. We've all been dumped, well I have anyway. It's agony but the idea that his next girlfriend is to blame is just a fake, misogynist comfort blanket that allows men to behave like children while women fight with each other a la Jeremy Kyle.

Don't engage with this man. Make it your mission, however hard it is, to put on a front. Don't go for lunch or coffee and for the love of god don't ever drink with him.

Rinse, repeat, move on. You can do it, we've all done it.

PTSD? From a breakup? Or is there something else going on here ?

Either way, the advice is the same - change jobs. I know you say you don’t want to do that but it’s the only solution really. Next time you find a job you enjoy don’t stuff it up by shagging a colleague.

He is a cheater. You are much better off with a cheater.

No settle for such shit in the future.

He isn't a cheater. He ended his relationship before starting another one.

Unless ppl are seriously suggesting that anyone in a relationship who meets someone else they'd rather be with is a cheater? That makes most people cheaters, surely?