I need to get over this - bad office break up

[willbefine88]

I’m in desperate need for advice and emotional support here and any thoughts are welcomed.

I’ve worked with this coworker (same team! He sit right behind me) for almost 1 year with no issue until one day he confessed his feeling to me. Before his confessional, we would normally grab lunch or breakfast at work together he would show his caring and would time himself so he can take the tube/train with me often (all this happened for like 1 month). And I was also interested. When he confessed I told him I like him too. He has a lot of internal struggle because he was with his partner of two years at the time. After about 2 weeks from the confession he had the conversation with her and broke up with her. She moved out and he also moved out of their shared flat. He told his parents and best friends about what happened and about me. We began dating as soon as he moved out. The whole dating only last 1.5 months. But it was the sweetest. He’s Italian and therefore very romantic. He made me feel like I was the air that he breathed he couldn’t live without me, that kind of love. Initially I was scared because I felt that we jumped into this too quickly and I wanted him to take time to “mourn” his past relationship but he convinced me I was all that he needed and he was so good at showing that, even best friend who was skeptical at first also was convinced with his intention. The oersin who wasn’t totally invested was me because I had doubts and also was still trying to get over my own ex-relationship too.

Things were so great until 1 evening I went to his place and he was distant, I knew he went to have a coffee with his ex that day. He had tears in his eyes and said he missed her. We then had 2 hours talk when he mumbled a lot of stuff including he felt he didn’t give her enough of a chance, he was so happy with me and it was perfect with me but it could be because we were only at the beginning. In the end he broke up with me. There and then. My heart was shattering in pieces.

Now the worst part is, we work together. He’s sitting right behind me at work. It has now been almost 2 months since the break up. The whole thing with him from start to end was only 3 months, extremely short, it’s a whirlwind office romance. My heart is breaking everyday coming to work. I’m good and acting so on the outside I laugh and smile and be very professional with him and no one at work knows about us. It doesn’t affect my quality of work but my heart is aching everyday and 2 months after the break up I’m still in pain.

I couldn’t make sense or even have a closure because everything happened during the good time just doesn’t tie with his decision. Even at the end he told me he was happier/happiest with me I was the best thing happened to his life but yet he went back to his ex. Last week I asked him If all was a lie, he said no they were all truths they were how he felt at the time. He doesn’t seem hurting at all which makes it even worse. And sometimes I want to slap him and rip him apart for abandoning me but yet have to swallow all that and be polite and professional with him.

I need to get over this, but not by changing jobs because why would I have to I have a great job and I love it. I don’t know how. I time heals because I’m seeing him everyday.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, as many women whose relationships have started with someone who is attached will testify. I also wouldn't be so sure no one at work knows. Only this week I heard about two attached people in our organisation who were having an affair. I would steer clear of office romance and look to move within your organisation or elsewhere.

Loving the high moral chair and judging down on people from some of you MNetters. I started the relationship with him after they broke up and after he told everyone about the breakup and me. So go back to your high chairs.

Yes but you didn't wait or give him time alone in new digs for a few months to process the end of the relationship and grieve...as it turns out he didn't want to grieve as he went back!

(Those things would have protected you from this)

@cawfee: all you described, I did all that btw. I told him let's kill this feeling he had for me and don't break up with her he should work on it with her etc. Why do people assume I didn't? Because I didn't tell my whole life story and all the details on my 1 post?

Like some said, I've dodged the bullet, yes I'm hurting because there's this thing called feeling and emotion, I will get over it. The purpose I come on here is not to tell my whole story (and therefore I didn't give the detailes of what I did what I said etc) I was looking for tips to get over an office breakup. But most people choose to give judgment instead, based on the few lines of summary I provided.

Give over!
You encouraged the flirtation well before he broke up with her. Stop lying to yourself!

@onlyfamandclosefknow: yes, that was my mistake.

Instead of focusing on how to get over this you need to explore WHY you got into this and didn't have that period of separation to protect yourself from the likely ending.

Best of luck.

@notanotman: again you assume you know me. You assume when I said we went for breakfast and lunch together that means I encouraged the flirtations. I spent all those time talking about him and his gf and how they should work things out, encouraged them to do counselling and told him off for not spending enough time with her etc. No flirtation, so stop assuming.

@onlyfamandclosefknow: yes, I have explored and understood why it happened that way. I've learned. I was stupid and naive like I said. Will never ever happened again.

No op, you flirted, you encouraged him leaving, you got with him as soon as he left her. You played a part in this you aren't a victim.

It's not about judgment or high horses chairs. It's about accepting that you were an active player in the situation you are in.

He left his girlfriend for you. You encouraged that and it didn't work out. Both you and him are to blame that you are now hurting. Accepting your responsibility in this will help you heal. And make better decisions in the future.

Unfortunately it's not always about what happened but about perceptions. If colleagues noticed you lunching together etc. & then he leaves his partner and you two get together some may conclude there has been some overlap. I'm all for good relationships at work and spend time with male and female colleagues, at lunch, dinner, social events, but I am clear on my professional boundaries.

I'm not going to keep on but you don't write like someone who is fully aware of their emotional issues here - You needed him for some reason. Something is lacking in you and he was, in your mind, the solution. I do believe you would benefit from therapy.

You've also dodged the bullets of meeting and being judged by "Mama" and "Nonna".

I'm guessing some people at work may know, but they are nice and kind and haven't said anything. Please don't change jobs over it.

I know that MNetters have the knives out for people they perceive to be the "OW", when in reality the man has acted like a shit.

Ok keep telling yourself that!

I've also been in this situation and it was heartbreaking seeing him every day. I managed to put up with it for about a year and then I left my job because he was marrying her and I couldn't bare it.

You got suckered and lovebombed. Beware him keeping you on a string - you need to stop having conversations about whether he meant what he said. Of course he didn't - otherwise you'd be together. Listening to his bullshit will just keep you from moving on.

Just be professional and don't spend any time with him on your own. No little chats even if it's you that wants them - you're doing yourself no good.

I'd look for training & secondment opportunities within your company or think of moving teams, and do a bit of jobsearching. Concentrate on making this a driver to push you career-wise.

Also don't cry cyberbullying over a few comments you don't like in a thread. Cyberbullying is sustained and follows a person round a forum, often with private messaging and doxxing. A few unsympathetic/critical comments do not cyberbullying make.

OP these are your words:

until one day he confessed his feeling to me. Before his confessional, we would normally grab lunch or breakfast at work together he would show his caring and would time himself so he can take the tube/train with me often (all this happened for like 1 month). And I was also interested. When he confessed I told him I like him too.

If a colleague of mine , who had a girlfriend confessed their feelings for me , I would tell him it’s not appropriate regardless if I fancied him or not he should not be taking that way when he has a girlfriend. Instead what you did was tell him you liked him too and was interested , this is encouraging ! Accept responsibility for your bad behaviour and learn from it ! You play with fire then you get burned , simple.

A lot of harsh comments here.

He expressed his feelings for you and split up with his GF before he started a relationship with you.

He should have split with her before telling you he had feelings. Then given himself some time before talking to you.

For those who've been in the position of his Ex... the issue is with your DP/OH/DH.

Good luck to the 38 year old going for a 19 year old. My DD is a similar age and no 38 yo would have a relationship with her and be accepted by us. He's old enough to be her dad. I find it sleazy.

OP.... Keep up the act that it doesn't bother you at work. He's fickle and good luck to the Ex taking him back if she does. He's not worth it.

Chalk it up to experience and mo ve on.

Get yourself out there and socialise. You'll find a better man.

I don't believe he would have left his partner and then feelings developed. It sounds like you are leaving quite a bit out.

You came here for advice, my advice would be work on self esteem and work out why you would pursue someone that is already in a realtionship. Good luck for the future, harsh lesson but the real victim is his partner.

I dont know why you're getting such a hard time here op. He went through a lot of upheaval to be with you and had split from his then gf and told family and friends about you.
So naturally you would think he was serious about having finished with his ex gf.
Yes he love bombed you ... always be wary of that. It's not necessarily a deliberate thing with some men, it's just the way they are but be wary.
Yes - you over invested very early on.

But now you have to deal with the aftermath.
For me the answer has always been to get out and about again. Give yourself other things to think about. Throw yourself into your work. Try to get a promotion or a transfer away from him. Don't rule out moving jobs if you continue to hurt in the longer term. Take up some hobbies - out of the house hobbies- maybe sports (endorphin producing) or enrol on a course to learn a language (not Italian) or something else. Keep busy.

ferrier, he wouldn't have just left like that, they had an emotional affair when he was in a relationship. You don't just up and leave a partner you live with and then try it, they had already become close before he left.

Good advice about the aftermath. That all helps.

Yes Hogglesballs. He started becoming close with op. So he sorted out his life with the ex (as he thought). Moved out, told family and friends. Moved relationship with op to the next level. Nothing wrong with that. It's not like he was snogging her in the office cupboard or arranging dates with her. They were at work and would have lunch together or get the same train home.

That's not at all healthy though ferrier. I know because I am leaving my husband to grieve and be alone and have just ended an emotional affair albeit we didn't get the train home and have lunches as he lives abroad. It's not healthy to jump from person to person. I understand why OP didn't realise that, because she was swept up, but surely you on the outside realise people and relationship aren't replaceable in a couple of weeks?

How do you know ferrier?