I need to get over this - bad office break up

[willbefine88]

I’m in desperate need for advice and emotional support here and any thoughts are welcomed.

I’ve worked with this coworker (same team! He sit right behind me) for almost 1 year with no issue until one day he confessed his feeling to me. Before his confessional, we would normally grab lunch or breakfast at work together he would show his caring and would time himself so he can take the tube/train with me often (all this happened for like 1 month). And I was also interested. When he confessed I told him I like him too. He has a lot of internal struggle because he was with his partner of two years at the time. After about 2 weeks from the confession he had the conversation with her and broke up with her. She moved out and he also moved out of their shared flat. He told his parents and best friends about what happened and about me. We began dating as soon as he moved out. The whole dating only last 1.5 months. But it was the sweetest. He’s Italian and therefore very romantic. He made me feel like I was the air that he breathed he couldn’t live without me, that kind of love. Initially I was scared because I felt that we jumped into this too quickly and I wanted him to take time to “mourn” his past relationship but he convinced me I was all that he needed and he was so good at showing that, even best friend who was skeptical at first also was convinced with his intention. The oersin who wasn’t totally invested was me because I had doubts and also was still trying to get over my own ex-relationship too.

Things were so great until 1 evening I went to his place and he was distant, I knew he went to have a coffee with his ex that day. He had tears in his eyes and said he missed her. We then had 2 hours talk when he mumbled a lot of stuff including he felt he didn’t give her enough of a chance, he was so happy with me and it was perfect with me but it could be because we were only at the beginning. In the end he broke up with me. There and then. My heart was shattering in pieces.

Now the worst part is, we work together. He’s sitting right behind me at work. It has now been almost 2 months since the break up. The whole thing with him from start to end was only 3 months, extremely short, it’s a whirlwind office romance. My heart is breaking everyday coming to work. I’m good and acting so on the outside I laugh and smile and be very professional with him and no one at work knows about us. It doesn’t affect my quality of work but my heart is aching everyday and 2 months after the break up I’m still in pain.

I couldn’t make sense or even have a closure because everything happened during the good time just doesn’t tie with his decision. Even at the end he told me he was happier/happiest with me I was the best thing happened to his life but yet he went back to his ex. Last week I asked him If all was a lie, he said no they were all truths they were how he felt at the time. He doesn’t seem hurting at all which makes it even worse. And sometimes I want to slap him and rip him apart for abandoning me but yet have to swallow all that and be polite and professional with him.

I need to get over this, but not by changing jobs because why would I have to I have a great job and I love it. I don’t know how. I time heals because I’m seeing him everyday.

OP I think why everyone is getting frustrated with you is because you deny your part that you played and just say you were “silly / naive” . He was still with his girlfriend when he told you he was interested in you . And in your own words you told him you was interested too. Stop minimising and pretending you had a positive influence on his relationship where you was apparantly giving your “advice”. It’s obvious that you were out for your own personal gain , as demonstrated in your actions...
To claim you are heartbroken after a month relationship indicates you were way too over invested .
Like someone up thread said , I think you’d really benefit from talking to a counsellor and getting to the root cause of this and also why you would accept this kind of offer from a guy in the first place , I’m guessing it’s self esteem but it could be a number things. Call Samaritans and ask if they can give you useful numbers maybe .

They began their emotional relationship whilst he had a girlfriend.

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. All about this subject. Then comment.

@MorrisZapp do all your relationships end because you have found yourself what you perceive to be an upgrade then? Monkey branching from one relationship to another isn’t normal or healthy...just so you are aware .

I don't need to read a book, thanks. It's not my job as a woman to ensure that other women's relationships never end. It's his responsibility entirely. All they did was have conversations during lunch. Are adults meant to say to people 'no I can't possibly talk about your relationship with you, it is against the sexist moral code'. Bullshit. People do talk to each other. OP did nothing wrong whatsoever, and ppl suggesting otherwise are the ones with self esteem problems.

If your DP only stays with you because the nations women refuse to have lunch with him as a favour to you, then your relationship isn't that strong I'd say. Most adults manage perfectly well sharing workplaces with interesting, attractive people of the opposite sex.

You sound ignorant of how affairs develop and could therefore slip into an emotional affair without even realising.

Adults who fancy the attached are meant to say "you're in a relationship. I think you should talk to a friend if you want advice about that."

Adults are not meant to confide in someone they fancy about their relationship misgivings. They are meant to speak to someone they have trust in, can seek support from, who they don't want to shag.

People fuck up of course as we're human. But yes, that's what's meant to happen in many people's idea of a relationship with a boundary. Read the book

It sounds as though you are in the process of becoming a little older and wiser Op. This is a lesson to learn from.

@Shatners: late 20s. I hope I’m not getting myself into another round of insults because I’m old enough and still do stupid things.

@MorrisZapp: thank you, your words mean a lot. I think I do entertain them a lot by actually replying to their judgemental comments. I just don’t want to keep quiet in case they think it’s OK to hide behind their keyboards and insult people like that. Or assume they got someone’s life figured out or are entitled to say things like that.

@Jenny: yes there’s more going on, which isn’t the point of this thread. But it’s also a yes to have PTSD from a break up, or so I was told after the assessment and diagnosis. If it was simply shagging a colleague then I don’t think I would get into depression, please don’t belittle the emotions/feelings involved here.
@Jackshouse: thank you. I struggled to think of him as a cheater because he didn’t cheat. I struggled to make sense of the whole thing because the emotional connection was real and all the things he told me and we shared together didn’t quiet align with how he dropped me and ran back to his ex. But it’s easier for my recovery and getting over it if I keep thinking he’s the villain here, no point defending him. I’m just very angry now as I have to endure all this by myself while he’s probably having the best time of his life playing between 2 women. Doesn’t matter, the focus is on myself now and to get better.
@Fuckitpassmethewine: I see where you’re coming from. I appreciate your laying it out the way you did in your post. I’m not denying my fault in this. It was wrong that I get involved too quickly, I have repeatedly asked for time out and ask him to spend time mourning his relationship but when he keep pursueing me I gave in, and I shouldn’t have. At no point I encourage him to leave her, it was the opposite. The morning he broke up with her I spoke to him and in tears ask him to undo it it was wrong and silly. He told me it wasn’t because of me blah blah blah. And gradually I believed his story. I should be wiser, more so to protect myself, but I got myself here I know.
@0ccamsrazors: yes, another lesson, another wound.

op

Darling, you're being hard work here.

Do listen to the wisdom of the crowd instead of trying to teach us. You really aren't especially enlightened, I promise you. That sounds unkind but do please take a step back and listen to what is being said by the majority in your thread. We're not all idiots.

You are protesting rather a lot. Quit with the 'it just happened '. It so didn't just happen, you were both cooking it for months.

You insist you know 'the point of the thread' and refuse to accept the point isn't what you think it is. It wasn't a bad break up - you both cheated on an innocent woman and he went back to her. Now he's looking at the back of your head every day.

You insist it wasn't cheating and the majority insist it was. Do please stop demanding we post what you want us to post and LISTEN to what is being said by most.

You knew fine well he had a GF and actively took part in breakfast and lunch get togethers, just the two of you, nobody else invited.

He then told you he was interested in you even though he lived with a gf for 2 years; you then reciprocated, he broke up with said GF to try you out and then realised nah, he wanted back with his ex, that's it, nothing else.

You don't convince me you were naive and innocent in all this, you knew what he was made of, a guy that was happy to pursue another woman whilst in a LTR. Never put you off did it, in fact you wholly went for it. You now see he used you, what exactly is your issue?

So yeah hard time, only for folk that try and actually take the piss.

So, is no-one allowed to have any friendships with the opposite sex unless there's a 3 person minimum present at all times? How long does someone have to be single to make it "ok" to date someone they knew before?
I don't see how anyone cheated on anyone here, but I do see at least some posts from a perspective I think of "if only THAT WOMAN hadn't flirted with my husband then we'd still be together!"
It's not the job of women to force men to be faithful to their partners or stay in relationships, men are responsible for their own actions.

Highly inappropriate to be so close to a guy in work, esp if everyone knows he lives with a woman; nobody is that daft. Timing their train home also would intimate to me it was pretty full on, as well as breakfast and lunch together, all this in a month.

Maybe it started out as friendship but when they guy said he was interested in the OP, instead of saying she was too, the right to do would have been to pull him up on the fact he lives with someone no?

Get real.

@springydaff: darling, yes you are unkind. I didn’t say “it just happened”. Did you read my posts at all? I do know the point of the thread, I created it, lol! We didn’t cheat. Let’s just agree to disagree.
@Adora10: you don’t sound like you worked in an office before. Maybe you did but your office culture is different from mine. I didn’t time the bloody train, I finish work I go home. He timed it. And did you read my posts where I explain how I pulled him on it and told him no even cried and told him to make up with his partner? Again, stop assuming things happened when they didn’t and stop thinking you have me figured out.
@Storm: thank you. Honestly sometimes I feel like some MNetters on here are from a different world. Good to know there are a few that from my world.

Before this becomes all nasty and people start talking unkind to one another (some of you already have). I will stop here and won’t be checking this thread anymore. Too much negativity from people who are extremely narrowed minded.

Thank you to some of you ladies who understood and showed support. The road ahead is long, I’m focusing on myself to get better. I’ve made a mistake to believe his man, got way too emotionally invested. I’ve learned the hard way. Just another wound, it will heal, eventually I hope.

I hope mumsnet could be a place to provide support and less of a place for women (or men) who hide behind keyboards and throw out insults to other or finger point, what for? Do you feel good about it? If you don’t have anything useful or nice to say, please shut up, move on to another thread.

Nothing like being in denial.

How has anyone been nasty OP?

Wow, listen to your last post. Sorry for your heartbreak after a couple of months but the real victim is HIS GIRLFRIEND.

Distract with hobbies, volunteer, read self help books, look after yourself health wise, you will get through it and find a man that is single.

Good luck.

Why the hell are you apologising? Yeah this guy is but of a dick. I agree with one comment. He’s not an “asshole” just immature and clearly didn’t know what he wanted! Jees! You’re human, you fell for someone, and I can honestly say that not ONE person here can tell me they have control over who they do or don’t call in love with. Further to that, I bet everyone here has at some stage fallen for the wrong person, and been heartbroken over it. Lust - the worst type of love. We have NO control! And yep - we will ALL experience it at some stage in our lives. The best part - we learn from our mistakes. We see it a bit clearer the next time. We are a bit more wary! It’s all called life experience. I promise you will get over him. But by golly I know how much it hurts until you do. And you will. Don’t let him ruin your life. Don’t quit because of him! He’s hurt you once, don’t let him now dictate a career you love thatnwoudl lose over a one month fling! X

This isn’t just aimed at this thread, it seems to be a general theme or feeling.

I just wouldn’t want to be with or around a person like that. If you aren't happy, end it. Find yourself and then maybe date. Whether the op made a moral choice is irrelevant. He wouldn't be my choice. Jumping from one person to the next is not the kind of person I would warm to. I like someone to know their mind, to be secure, to love themselves and to be considered in their choices.

The older I get, the more I experience, the more I realise. We have choices, we make choices. Things don’t just ‘happen’ ( unless you have sadly experienced illness or are involved in a random Incident or attack).

Don’t allow people to make choices for you. No one makes you feel a certain way. You choose to allow that feeling. It’s like guilt, my pet peeve is someone saying that you make them feel guilty. You either are guilty or you aren’t, no one can MAKE you feel guilty.
I’m 40 and still have so much to learn but for quite a few years I have been so much happier following this rule. My choice, my reward, my consequence etc you get the picture.

I was a true victim years ago and it would be so easy for me to hold onto that and blame and continue to allow his actions to effect me daily, however, I choose different. The concept/ mindset isn’t always easy but I choose what it right for me, not was is easy.

We have one life. Be true to yourself.

This is spooky. My mum went pretty much the same thing with a colleague years ago. I worked with them both and didn't take to kindly to him pissing her about. Same thing, overblown declarations of love to be followed by getting back together with his ex. He was Italian too! In the end mum got over it, he split up with his ex AGAIN 6 months later and like a yoyo asked mum out again. She told him where to go. I would bet my house he does the same thing with you. Don't let him. He is a silly boy who can't survive without a drama and if you did get together with him he would ditch you again DRAMATICALLY for someone else. You don't need this shit, it's his personal shit, not yours

Yes op , I think next time (when faced with any tricky situation) just think it through a bit longer & maybe if you put yourself on the receiving side of a situation just ask yourself “would I like this done to me?” If the answer is no then you know that the “opportunity giver” isn’t what they make out to be ...if they can behave like that with one person it gives you a strong indication of what they could then treat you like ... it’s a glimpse of their less positive capabilities if that makes sense. It’s all life lessons but that one generally works for me (in all aspects of life not just relationships ) and helps me make choices that I feel good about