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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't work out what's going on with DP

89 replies

Bumblingfool1 · 05/10/2018 01:17

I think I need some tough love here.

Me and DP have been together two years and about 6 months ago we had a rocky patch where he started behaving like an arsehole for no apparent reason. He was critical, moody, put me down a lot, distant. We nearly split up over it and I never got to the bottom of why he acted like that (he put it down to stress but I’ve never been convinced)

I’ve had two wobbles since then where I have felt him being a bit distant/hot and cold and it made me insecure. On both occasions I asked if everything was ok and I stupidly brought up the stuff that happened before and we had an argument. he got very defensive both times.

Yesterday he told me he wanted to end the relationship as he is worried I will bring up his past behaviour again and that we will keep arguing over it. my gut had been telling me for days that it was coming. His behaviour in the lead up to him wanting to end things was odd - he accused me of cheating on him twice. Once he said my story didn’t add about timings/my movements when I had gone for coffee with a friend. Second he thought I had had a man in the house as he noticed more cigarette butts than normal in the ashtray outside (they were mine as I’d been smoking more than usual). He had also been on Facebook far more than normal which seemed a bit odd. I was very upset when he said he wanted to end it but told him I respected his decision.

I started packing my stuff (we live together) and then he suddenly back tracked and said he couldn’t bear to lose me and he didn’t want to break up. so we are still together but he said he wants a fresh start and no more talk of the past as he’s had enough of being made to feel like a cunt. He has been absolutely lovely since then.

I love the man very much but again my gut instinct is kicking in and I feel very much on the back foot. we don’t argue very often and generally get along very well. I know I shouldn’t have brought up the past and I expect I will get flamed for doing that.

I spoke to a friend IRL about all this and she said him dumping me then changing his mind like that wasn’t on. She also said I shouldn’t have agreed to stay with him (she has never been a fan of his).

it would be helpful to have other perspectives on this please.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 05/10/2018 01:24

He's a flake. How much time have you got to waste?

Singlenotsingle · 05/10/2018 01:27

Sounds like the behaviour of someone who's got something to hide. He accuses you of things when there's no evidence. He dumps you then changes his mind. Either there's an OW lurking in the background OR he's got his eye on someone!

Monty27 · 05/10/2018 01:29

Run. Love is not this.

Original poster
Bumblingfool1 · 05/10/2018 01:31

single* that's what I thought Sad

My gut has been tellinh me for a while somethings not right but there's been no concrete evidence of him cheating.
Is it mad to up and leave on gut instinct alone?

I'm pretty annoyed that he got so annoyed about me bringing up the past. If he hadnt of acted like a dick then I wouldn't have these insecure moments whenever he starts to go a bit distant
Or off with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblingfool1 · 05/10/2018 01:32

I actually feel like I'm being played

OP posts:
ShovingLeopard · 05/10/2018 01:34

I'm afraid I agree with single. The accusations of you cheating are him projecting.

Original poster
Bumblingfool1 · 05/10/2018 01:39

Hmm...projection does make so much sense.

Now I come to think of it he does go through stages where he will suggest he thinks I'm doing the dirty. Often very out of the blue. Such as he'll wake up in the morning and say he had a dream I left him for someone else or if I go to my mums house he'll sometimes ask me to FaceTime him so he knows I'm really there

OP posts:
Cherryberrypie · 05/10/2018 01:59

He sounds like a pain in the arse, run, run, run. Don’t waste any more time on him.

BitOfFun · 05/10/2018 02:26

Is it mad to up and leave on gut instinct alone?

That's probably the best reason to leave someone.

DianaT1969 · 05/10/2018 04:50

I thought projection as I read your OP. Even without proof of cheating, he shouldn't be messing with your head and trying to control your behaviour. It's a worrying path you're heading down.
Run.

Doingreat · 05/10/2018 05:40

He's a controlling bully op. He asks you to face time him from your mum's????!!!!! And you compy??? Who does he think he is? His behaviour will get so much worse. Please leave now. He is showing abusive controlling tendencies and they ALWAY get worse.

Why aren't you allowed to bring up past behaviour? Past behaviour is the single nost reliable indicator of future behaviour.
And yes, you can leave him. Not because he might be cheating on you (he might) but because he is an unpleasant controlling bully who has no respect for you. Don't let him make you question your judgement or make you stay. He wanted to break up, you respected his decision (he was expecting you to beg him to stay btw). You also have the right to end this relationship.

Your gut is telling you to leave him, there are so many red flags here. End it please. Before you end up a shell of yourself. And don't give him a reason he will argue and twist it around. Just say this relationship isn't right for me, it's over.

GoldfishCrackers · 05/10/2018 05:50

He's trying to train you to never question him, never mention his bad behaviour, to be so busy defending yourself you don't have time to ask yourself if you really want to be with him.

The FaceTiming thing is chilling. This is abusive behaviour. Please get out.

catinboots9 · 05/10/2018 05:56

Counting fag ends? Making you FaceTime him to prove your whereabouts? Blowing hot and cold?

Run OP. Run for the hills.

Shoxfordian · 05/10/2018 06:14

Listen to your friend. He's been really jealous and controlling. He can't just say he wants to leave and then act like everything's fine. Don't waste any more of your time here.

Robin2323 · 05/10/2018 06:16

It all depends on how much you love him.
Bring I love makes you insecure
Sometimes.
Relationship are hard work.
Unless there is violence in the relationship all problems can be
Sorted eventually.
Good communication is key.
Be careful with gut Instinct if you're acting out of fear.
That can cloud your judgment.

LunaTheCat · 05/10/2018 06:19

This sounds like gaslighting to me. Controlling behaviour. It is really hard when you love someone but these are not good signs just 2 years into a relationship.

Sally2791 · 05/10/2018 06:25

He doesn't get to chose what happens.Clearly projection and abuse there.He is training you to shut up and put up.Trust your gut

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2018 06:27

He's cheating. I guarantee it. Get the hell out of there and don't look back.

cakecakecheese · 05/10/2018 06:41

So he acted like a dick, then acted like a dick about you bringing up the time he acted like a dick.

He hurt you and you're supposed to forget it? Especially seeing as the nasty behaviour isn't over is it, the accusations and counting cigarette butts. He's not going to change is he as if you bring it up he gets annoyed.

Also regarding the cheating accusations he's probably either just paranoid or projecting...

Anyway in conclusion this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all and I'd get back to packing if I were you.

Original poster
Bumblingfool1 · 05/10/2018 08:02

I'm crying my eyes out reading these replies. I honestly thought it was me who has been in the wrong the whole time and that I've been pushing him away.

I feel very, very sad right now

The thing is whenever he has had concerns about me cheating or whatnot I have always talked through it with him and reassured him. He's always banging on about his trust issues from previous relationships. Whenever I've mentioned things that worry me he makes me feel like I'm a pain or neurotic

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 05/10/2018 08:05

End it now- he is showing you who he is. Dont get in deeper. Good luck.

Doingreat · 05/10/2018 08:13

Tell him to eff off with his trust issues. It's not your responsibility to fix his issues.

It will get worse op. Speaking from experience here. End it today by text and block him. Don't meet up to end it, he will turn on the charm then you will get sucked back into this nasty/nice cycle. Just like the time he tried to end it. Then changed his mind cos you didn't beg him for another chance.

Just say it's over. Don't apologise, don't explain. Don't get drawn into conversation. You have to be ruthless with people like him to protect yourself

Good luck op. Sending you strength x

CrazySheepLady · 05/10/2018 08:26

You've been thinking it's you who is in the wrong and has been causing the issues in your relationship. Do you think that might be exactly what he wants you to believe? I wonder if he's deflecting the attention ffom himself for some reason; gambling, another woman etc.

It's a cruel thing to do when he professes to love you.

Original poster
Bumblingfool1 · 05/10/2018 08:36

His standard line at the moment is: 'you always make me feel like a cunt when I've done nothing wrong' I hear that all the time

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 08:42

Is it mad to up and leave on gut instinct alone

Well that's not why you'd be leaving, you'd be leaving because he's dumped you once, been an arsehole for six months, and is being an arsehole again. 🤷‍♀️

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