can't work out what's going on with DP

[Bumblingfool1]

I think I need some tough love here.

Me and DP have been together two years and about 6 months ago we had a rocky patch where he started behaving like an arsehole for no apparent reason. He was critical, moody, put me down a lot, distant. We nearly split up over it and I never got to the bottom of why he acted like that (he put it down to stress but I’ve never been convinced)

I’ve had two wobbles since then where I have felt him being a bit distant/hot and cold and it made me insecure. On both occasions I asked if everything was ok and I stupidly brought up the stuff that happened before and we had an argument. he got very defensive both times.

Yesterday he told me he wanted to end the relationship as he is worried I will bring up his past behaviour again and that we will keep arguing over it. my gut had been telling me for days that it was coming. His behaviour in the lead up to him wanting to end things was odd - he accused me of cheating on him twice. Once he said my story didn’t add about timings/my movements when I had gone for coffee with a friend. Second he thought I had had a man in the house as he noticed more cigarette butts than normal in the ashtray outside (they were mine as I’d been smoking more than usual). He had also been on Facebook far more than normal which seemed a bit odd. I was very upset when he said he wanted to end it but told him I respected his decision.

I started packing my stuff (we live together) and then he suddenly back tracked and said he couldn’t bear to lose me and he didn’t want to break up. so we are still together but he said he wants a fresh start and no more talk of the past as he’s had enough of being made to feel like a cunt. He has been absolutely lovely since then.

I love the man very much but again my gut instinct is kicking in and I feel very much on the back foot. we don’t argue very often and generally get along very well. I know I shouldn’t have brought up the past and I expect I will get flamed for doing that.

I spoke to a friend IRL about all this and she said him dumping me then changing his mind like that wasn’t on. She also said I shouldn’t have agreed to stay with him (she has never been a fan of his).

it would be helpful to have other perspectives on this please.

Sounds like he wants to finish the relationship, isn't brave enough and is being a dick in the hope that you will do it for him

Why do people stay in relationships that are clearly shit yet it takes just a handful of comments from strangers on the internet to make people actually realise it?

He's a tosser. Why do you want to be with someone that pisses you around? Get shot. Life is short, never, ever put up with being messed around.

Leave. Controlling. Abusive. As someone said upthread he's bullying you and pushing you into a submissive never questioning him position.

Also totally disagree with robin about violence being the only reason a relationship can't be saved. There are many other types of abuse.

I couldn’t be with someone who’s only focus is on how he feels.

If my Dh were insecure I’d hate to think of him feeling terrible and do all I could to opening communication and work through his fears. Shutting people up and denying their feelings is unhealthy.

Christ, he os hard work

Relationships should be easy

The more people that understand this, the better

Apart from that, I also think he is a cheat

Good God OP. I'm so sorry.

Ok, my take...and I'm glad that others have already said what I'm about to say.

Yes, he is cheating on you.

2 years together and the nastiness starts 6 months ago. So those 18 months were your golden time.

Nastiness 6 months ago was a devalue manipulation. He did this to drive a seduction Hoover (the love bomb) against another victim.

He's brought that one online now and the hot/cold is classic devalue then respite. He's doing this to get a contrast in the flavour of your narcisstic supply or fuel.

The accusations of adultery may look like projection but actually are only there to draw negative fuel from you.

I'd ignore the advice above saying you can work this out. Not a cat in hells chance. Get Out. Stay Out and full NC. Just do it. Don't tip him off otherwise he'll deploy a benign Hoover to get you back.

Your friend had him nailed bang to rights there.

Best of luck OP!

I haven't gone to work today. I'm packing up my stuff and leaving now.

I've been a fool for long enough. Time to find some self respect and fuck him off for good

He didn’t want to finish with you, he just wanted to stop you discussing his behaviour. Well done get out now.

Good for you

No bloke is worth that

Good for you! Hope you have a place to go where you can think this out. It could be his story, when/if he dares tell you, is different from what you imagine now. Hope you find out what this is all about and please stop blaming yourself!

Good for you, lots of luck!!

OP I cannot say this loudly enough. Leave. All of the things you've mentioned are the trade marks of an abuser and more often than not, emotional abuse will turn to physical.

"You always make me feel like a cunt when I've done nothing wrong". This literally sent a shiver down my spine. Why? Because word for word this is the same thing my abuser (who I'm in the process of fleeing with my daughter) says, each and every time I try defend myself.

We didn't start off in a bad relationship, quite the opposite, I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Fast forward six years, he's estranged me from friends and family, moved us miles and miles away from where I'm from, he's taken all my money, I'm a SAHM and wholly reliant on the tiniest scraps he gives me to feed me and my daughter on. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs because of it. Hes locked me in the house and taken the keys on several occasions, he's taken my daughter before now and not told me, I get abused on a daily basis for the smallest word out of line and this ramps up if I dare defend myself and I'm on antidepressants.

And it all started just the same as what's happening to you now.

Just run OP. As far from him as you can possibly get. Good luck.

@Bumblingfool1 I'm so sorry you're going through this but you are doing the right thing in leaving!

Thanks for the support everyone x

I've got my dad round and he's helping me pack everything up. DP has just called me and is being all nice and saying shall we go out for dinner tonight. Such a head fuck.

As soon as I'm out of this house I'm texting him to dump and then I'll block him

Always trust your gut. Glad you are getting out of there. He would only get worse.

Well done op. So happy for you x

Well done OP. So lovely to see that you know you deserve better.

Glad you’re getting out, he sounds like stuck a dick!

If your name is on any of the bills don’t forget to get your name removed. And take an electricity and gas meter reading before leaving so you can pay up today, so you no longer have any ties to the address.

He was cheating on you. He told her he was leaving you for her and she dumped him so he stayed.

Good luck, stay safe and please don’t get drawn back in 💐🍀

This is me ex to a tee. He used to accuse me of every thing he was actually doing. He was absolutely crazy looking back, shame it took me 2 long years to realise. But I think it's a classic "bad guy" thing, to accuse you of being secretive and unfaithful when in fact I managed to get into his phone and yep. He had been cheating with multiple girls the entire relationship.

Just seen you're packing your stuff. Good for you girl! I guarantee you'll back and be so proud of yourself. He is a joke. X

Look back

His standard line at the moment is: 'you always make me feel like a cunt when I've done nothing wrong' I hear that all the time

It sounds like that's what he's doing to you everytime he questions your fidelity for no good reason whereas by the sounds of it you had a genuine reason to question him

God I'm glad you're getting out. Well done, good call.