can't work out what's going on with DP

[Bumblingfool1]

I think I need some tough love here.

Me and DP have been together two years and about 6 months ago we had a rocky patch where he started behaving like an arsehole for no apparent reason. He was critical, moody, put me down a lot, distant. We nearly split up over it and I never got to the bottom of why he acted like that (he put it down to stress but I’ve never been convinced)

I’ve had two wobbles since then where I have felt him being a bit distant/hot and cold and it made me insecure. On both occasions I asked if everything was ok and I stupidly brought up the stuff that happened before and we had an argument. he got very defensive both times.

Yesterday he told me he wanted to end the relationship as he is worried I will bring up his past behaviour again and that we will keep arguing over it. my gut had been telling me for days that it was coming. His behaviour in the lead up to him wanting to end things was odd - he accused me of cheating on him twice. Once he said my story didn’t add about timings/my movements when I had gone for coffee with a friend. Second he thought I had had a man in the house as he noticed more cigarette butts than normal in the ashtray outside (they were mine as I’d been smoking more than usual). He had also been on Facebook far more than normal which seemed a bit odd. I was very upset when he said he wanted to end it but told him I respected his decision.

I started packing my stuff (we live together) and then he suddenly back tracked and said he couldn’t bear to lose me and he didn’t want to break up. so we are still together but he said he wants a fresh start and no more talk of the past as he’s had enough of being made to feel like a cunt. He has been absolutely lovely since then.

I love the man very much but again my gut instinct is kicking in and I feel very much on the back foot. we don’t argue very often and generally get along very well. I know I shouldn’t have brought up the past and I expect I will get flamed for doing that.

I spoke to a friend IRL about all this and she said him dumping me then changing his mind like that wasn’t on. She also said I shouldn’t have agreed to stay with him (she has never been a fan of his).

it would be helpful to have other perspectives on this please.

Well done. That grumpy period will have been him cheating or thinking about it, thus being critical so he can tell himself you were driving him to it. I bet she got bored, or knocked him back.

Glad you're getting him out! Good for your dad. Hope it all goes well.

Amazing OP! Good luck with the move out and fingers crossed he isn't a complete dick when you do the dumping..

I've been with DH for 33 years. Without trust in your relationship, you're in trouble. If your instinct is telling you that you don't trust him, trust him to not dump you then change his mind, I'd leave him. You don't need this, you need to feel safe - like he's got your back, no matter what.

You deserve more than this, you deserve to feel safe.

💐💐💐

Wow, fast work OP!

You are making the right decision. Im glad to hear that you have your dad for support. Will you be staying with your dad for the time being?

Trust issues from previous relationships.
My arse.
Defecting and gaslighting. Rubbishing your exes is the first Red flag for an abuser.

Glad to hear you're getting out.

Trust your gut.

I also think he's cheating but even if he's not, this is not a healthy relationship.

you always make me feel like a cunt when I've done nothing wrong

What a gaslighting charmer.

I know it's horrible now but you will get through this. Get your Dad to give you a hug.

Let us know how you are later on.

Well done OP. You're doing the right thing.

you always make me feel like a cunt when I've done nothing wrong

High time he took responsibility for his own feelings instead of blaming you for them. (And I wonder why he feels like that.. if the cap fits, wear it.. )

@RubADubMum89 glad you're getting out! Good luck to you, stay safe and hope you can get away soon.

Well done op. Now you are free to find a relationship where no one counts your cigarette ends and they believe you when you go to your mums. And they’re not a (cheating) dick. You’ll be amazed.

You have made a very wise decision, op.

I’m glad you’re leaving. He trying to control you.

He not phoning to check where you are he’s doing so he knows you won’t catch him out.

Trust issues from previous relationship

This is a classic abuser's line. Makes them sound like the victim and hopefully you will put up with their controlling, monitoring, checking up on. they can't help it you see, it was that previous bad woman.

So very glad you're packing and leaving and that your Dad is there for you. Well done.

if I go to my mums house he'll sometimes ask me to FaceTime him so he knows I'm really there

WHAT! How have you spent so much time with this control freak weirdo!

Pack and run for the hills!

Oh so glad you’re getting out of there. What a nightmare.

Wish there was a Sarah’s law or whatever on dickheads so prospective partners can see who to pedal away from.

gothefucktosleep there is Clare's Law. But it's only if there are reports of DV on the system. These will be disclosed upon request if police think you are at risk and will include allegations where the victim chose not to proceed and failed prosecutions.
Only a person in the relationship can be given Clare's Law. Third parties can request it on their behalf (eg worried friends/family).

Oh very well done OP
Block him on everything and congratulate yourself on paying attention to your gut feeling.
It's a shock to realise this stuff and it might be tricky to process it all but give yourself time. And it's ok to miss the nice times whilst realising that there were also such dangerously bad times that you are so much better off out of it.

PS the trust issues from a previous relationship is part of the abuser's script: yes I am acting like an arsehole but you see it is in fact a woman's fault [you, an ex, his mother, etc.]

Well done. He's an awful man. You'll be much happier without him.

I'm feeling a bit wobbly but I'm back at my dads house now. ExP has sent one email from a new email address just saying : call me. I have some questions for you. Your behaviour recently doesn't add up and I reckon your with someone else.

I won't be replying. Thanks to everyone who has given me the kick up the arse o needed to finally make me see sense and leave x

He's going to get a shock when you don't try and justify it all. Who cares what he reckons anymore. Well done again OP. Take good care of yourself now as it will all have taken its toll in stress.

Well done you. Great that you are at your Dads and you've got support.
Stay strong x

He is dumped you don't have to have any contact or answer any questions.

The 'I reckon you are with someone else' is to get you to reply and say no I am not and open a dialogue.

Just block and move on.

You deserve better.

What he thinks - or pretends to think - is now utterly irrelevant to you.

Well done OP. Best of luck for a much brighter future.

The 'I reckon you are with someone else' is to get you to reply and say no I am not and open a dialogue.

Oh yes, absolutely. Don't give him what he wants.

Amazing day, op Go and make the life YOU want!