Hi guys,
To give you a bit of background, we've been together for 16 years and his daughter from a previous relationship has lived with us for the last 13 years.
Like many people, we have struggled financially since the credit crunch, with no pay rises at work alongside increasing bills. We both work full-time in stressful jobs but we never seem to get anywhere money-wise, and it feels like things will never improve. Although we just about manage to get by financially day to day, we don't have the money for large purchases and have not been on holiday in years. in addition to working full-time as a nurse, I have set up a small cake making business supplying novelty cakes, just to make a bit of extra cash, and it has become quite busy. It also means, however, that I don't get a lot of time to myself.
In the last 2 years we've suffered set back after set back, and it has taken it's toll on our relationship. My husband is type 1 diabetic and started to suffer from depression, which he was medicated for. This did improve things for a while. However, last year he then suffered a serious spinal injury, which resulted in operations, hospital admissions and a change to his medications. He has been left with nerve damage in his legs and bladder issues, which we have been told will likely be permanent. This has obviously affected his mood, given that he is only in his early 40's and can no longer be as active as he once was, as well as facing the embarrassment of bladder incontinence. He is also still in a lot of pain, but he refuses to take medication anymore because it makes him feel as though he is still 'ill' and he doesn't want to become dependant on it. During his recovery (approx. 6 months - 3 of which he was completely bedridden), I was his main carer, alongside me finishing a university degree, working full time and trying to run everything in the household myself. I regret that I did not seek help at the time, as I now feel that trying to do everything myself has run me down and I fear that it may also have led me to feel the need to be in control.
The only thing we ever argue about is money and it makes me so sad, because money and possessions are not what life is about, and neither of these things will be on my mind when I am on my deathbed. People are important to me, not possessions. But for my husband, it's all he obsesses about.
Due to his back injury, the car we share is no longer suitable for him, as it is small, low down and difficult for him to get into. Ideally, we need a new car but we simply cannot afford one right now. Believe me I have tried to figure out a way to get a new car just to keep him happy, but there are no options available to us. He can't seem to see or understand this, and he therefore blames me for our money situation because I'm the one doing all the worrying and am seen as the one saying no to purchases which we simply cannot afford. He accuses me of hiding things from him financially and says that my worrying about money all the time makes him feel terrified to spend any money at all. He has his own bank account which he could check if he really wanted to and there are so many credit scoring companies out there now, that if he really thought I was hiding something, it would be pretty easy for him to check this.
Even small gestures that I make, he manages to twist into something negative and to do with money, when they simply are not. For example, when he went back to work after his back injury, he was not allowed to drive because he was still heavily medicated. I was therefore making him a lunch to take with him, as he was unable to make the daily journey to the local ship at lunchtime, as he did before. Even after he did start driving again, I still made him lunch because it had become a habit and he said it was much better than what he could buy from the shop and it saved him time. Plus, with him being diabetic, it gave me peace of mind to know he always had something to eat on hand, should his blood sugar drop. I never ever thought of me making his lunch as a controlling act, but somehow he has now even twisted this into me only making him lunch as a means to keep him out of the shop, so that he can't spend money.
Our arguments always result in him screaming and swearing at me without allowing me the chance to speak and then him giving me the silent treatment, sometimes for days on end. Once, it even lasted 3 full weeks before he said a word to me. This behaviour has made me a nervous wreck, and I find myself tip-toeing around him when I know he is in mood.
He has been particularly stressed at work recently and they have made changes which mean he can no longer bring his work transport home with him, he has to park it in their base and find another way home. This has made the car situation even worse and after trialling me taking him to and from work, it was clear that he was uncomfortable in the car and it was making his back pain worse. As such, he has been more down and distant over the last few weeks.
Last Friday night, on the journey home, it was clear he was in a mood and he mumbled something about having a few things to pay for at work this week. He then proceeded to pretty much ignore me the rest to the weekend, only speaking when he really had to. This was making my anxiety increase, as I could see an explosion was on the horizon.
On Tuesday morning, he was in the shower and his wallet had fallen out of his trouser pocket and was lying on the bedroom floor. I was making the bed and having a general tidy around, so I picked up and noted that he had no money in it. I knew that he has his weekly team meeting on a Tuesday and that this was when he likely when he would need the money he had mentioned on Friday. I knew he had a busy day ahead, with meetings all day and wouldn't have time to get to an ATM, or would forget and then turn up at the meeting with no cash (which would likely cause a meltdown when he got home). I has some cash in the house that someone had paid me for a cake, so I slipped it into his wallet, thinking it would help him out and save him time. I fully intended to tell him I had done so when he got out of the shower. However, he came out the shower shouting and swearing and he got ready for work, slamming doors and mumbling various issues and insults under his breath (not solely directed at me but I could see which direction his temper was leading). I could feel my heart racing and my anxiety peaked with fear. I was too numb and scared at that point to say anything about putting the money in his wallet. On the car journey to his work, he was silent other than the odd complaint about all the things he had to do that day and sighing. Just as we were pulling into his work he remembered that he needed cash and made it out to be such a bit deal and a hassle, asking me if he needs my permission to take money out, again twisting it to be my fault. My nerves completely kicked in and I was terrified of his colleagues walking by the car and hearing him, that I stupidly said 'are you sure you never took money out when you were out and about at the weekend, maybe you've got money on you'. I have no idea why I said it and I instantly regretted it. He went crazy saying that he daren't take money out without the puppet-masters approval (this is what he calls me) and he got out of the car without another word.
Fast forward to 7:30pm that night, I was waiting for his call to pick him up and it was getting much later than normal, so I tried to call him. I was worried because he has been having more episodes of low blood sugar recently and I am always concerned when he's late that he's passed out somewhere. He never answered his phone. 10 minutes later, I see him walking up the street towards the house and realise that he has decided not to call for a lift home and instead walk. This immediately peaks my anxiety, as I know he has done this to avoid me and I start to worry about what mood I am about to be faced with.
He came in and sat in his chair without saying a word. I was in the kitchen making the dinner and our daughter was in her bedroom. As soon as I walked into the living room he started shouting at me, asking where the money in his wallet had come from and I froze. I didn't know what to say for the best, because I knew either way that he would twist it. He said that I was trying make him think he is losing his mind, and that I tried to convince him he had been to an ATM when he knew he hadn't. I tried to explain but he wouldn't let me speak and just continued to shout over the top of me. He said that I was playing mind games and that his ex-wife used to do that to him, he would not put up with it and if that's what I'm doing then I'm out the door. This went on for at least an hour, with me in tears and him standing over the top of me.
Our daughter heard and asked what was going on, although I am only her step-mum, she has lived with me most of her life and real mum passed away several years ago, so she sees me as her actual mum. She has witnessed other episodes of her father's temper before and knows he can be unreasonable sometimes but this was the worst she had seen him. His comments towards me were vile and extremely hurtful. She was also concerned that he did not seem to care that I was a bubbling mess.
Once he has stopped shouting, the inevitable silent treatment began. He pretended I did not exist, made himself a cup of tea and asked out daughter if she wanted one but ignored me, and then went bed without saying at word.
Yesterday morning, he got up much earlier than usual and asked our daughter if she would drop him off at his work on her way out, all so that he didn't need to ask me. He left without taking his lunch with him (which I had already made), nor did he say goodbye and he walked home from work at night. Our daughter was out last night so it was just the two of us and this was making my anxiety worse. Just before he came home, I had a major nosebleed and was sitting with a blood soaked tissue as he walked in the front door. He never even acknowledged me.
Luckily, my dad turned up for a visit out of the blue and as usual, my husband chatted away to him and pretended everything was fine. This is typical of him, to ignore me but be Mr personality with everyone else. I did not let on to my father that anything was wrong, as I know he worries and has been unwell himself recently. He stayed for around an hour and a half which made last night a bit easier as it meant I didn't have to put up with the silence for quite as long.
Once my father left I dished up the dinner. I am the type of person who would rather talk over an issue than be silent and ignore it, nor am I the type to be petty and give him a taste of his own medicine. I therefore still follow my routine and include him in it. I therefore dished up a plate for him and told him it was there. He ignored me and it was 20 minutes before he finally took his insulin and had his tea. You would think, with his diabetes he would be more sensible but there have been numerous occasions where he has refused a meal during his episodes of silent treatment, simply because I cooked it and to him, eating it would be a sign of weakness. He again went to bed without saying a word.
During last night, his blood sugars dropped but luckily his body senses this quick enough and he tends to wake up and deal with the situation. This always wakes me up and last night was no different. As always, I asked him if he was ok and he just grunted at me. This morning, when he was in the shower, I got out of bed and instantly had a nose bleed. I went into the bathroom to get tissue and he never asked if I was ok.
I continued with my usual morning routine. Although he never spoke to me this morning, he did make me a cup of tea, without asking, but couldn't quite bring himself to tell me he had done so or bring it to me in the other room. I only noticed it when I went back into the kitchen to clear up. With our daughter being out overnight, his choices were to either put up with me taking him to work or walk the 1.5 miles to his work. He chose the latter and left without taking his lunch and without saying a word.
He accuses me of playing mind games but surely he's the one doing this? I genuinely believe that he is very deliberate in the way he acts, for example, making me tea but still treating me as if I'm not there. Is he doing this to continue to mess with my head and make me question the mixed messages. I know it probably sounds really silly and trivial, but why make me tea (which could be seen as a positive) but then continue to ignore me (a negative).
Other than this increasingly more common arguing over money and his way of dealing with it by giving me the silent treatment, we genuinely have had a good relationship over the years and our friends and neighbours would be shocked to think this behaviour goes on in our house.
I would really welcome any opinions or comments from people who may understand the situation I am in, so that I don't continue to go off my head with it all. I've started to think he really does want to end things.