My husband had an affair for 6 weeks now want to ends our marriage for good. I want him.

[Teddy77]

Last Monday I found out that my husband (who I still love as much as I did on our wedding day) of 10 years and partner of 15 years had an affair. He met her online, has only been chatting with her for 6 weeks, had sex once (apparently!) but tells me he is head over heels in love – a kind of love that he has never ever felt before (even for me!!), she is his soul mate and wants out of our apparent ‘loveless’ marriage ASAP. We have 3 young children under the age of 9 years old. He said I did not give him enough “physical attention” and that everything else was fine. We don’t fight and are actually a really good team when it comes to family life, our home and the kids. I never turned him down for sex but on the other hand I am not a naturally touchy/feely kind of person so I never initiated touch/sex either (my bad!!). But like I said I have always been like this, he knows this. He said he told me 3 times in 3 years ! that he would like more physical touch I would do it for a few days then revert back into my old/normal self/patterns (again v busy mother of 3 work full time etc. I barely remember what happened yesterday let alone 3 conversations in 3 years!!). If he had talked to me more about how he was feeling I would of 100% acted and made it right. But he never talked, never told me how unloved he felt hence I never knew. He is a great Dad and helpful husband so I thought we were happy. I have asked him to give “us” a chance but he blankly says NO, reason being he does not love anymore. I find it impossible to believe that all the love he has for me is completely gone. My theory is that because he is SO consumed by this new, exciting, mysterious love that he cannot find any love inside him for anyone else, not even his own kids. So after 5 days of this NO NO NO going on I kicked him out of the house and told him to take as much time and space as he needs to make a decision on the future. I asked him to stay away, no contact for 2 weeks. Before he left (knowing that he would not see me or kids for two weeks) he did not even take the time to spend time with them which I find bizarre and a little unnervey / scary. I am trying to keep my cool and not contact him but I miss and love him so much that it is killing me inside. I want to give US a try, I said even if he still decides to still LEAVE after giving it a GO at least I will know that we bought FOUGHT to keep our family/unit together. Only then will I be somewhat ok :-( to walk away…..Advice needed please, how to I play this I DESPERATELY want him back x

Taco
He is hiding HER passport.

Take the dc to your home country for half term week.

You can't take your children out of the country where they are habitually resident without permission from their other parent.

If he has hidden the passports this would indicate he isn't likely to give permission.

OP, right now you are reeling. But you need one eye firmly on your children's future. I'm not suggesting you go to a solicitor all guns blazing for a divorce. I'm suggesting you go to one who can give you an idea of what you and the children will be entitled to if the relationships does end permanently. Guesswork and what happened to other people is useless when it comes to you, and your children's individual circumstances.

A solicitor will also be able to tell you what paperwork to gather and keep safe in case he doesn't change his mind and his interest in playing fair for the sake of his children wanes to some degree. Your kids need you to take these steps to protect their interests. A parent who was involved and child oriented can become something else when they have a brand new shiny focus in their life. They can become quite unwilling to centre their kids needs. It's worth getting informed by an professional to make that harder, rather than easier, for him to do if he turns into one of those parents.

I'm so sorry love. I hope you have friends who you can tell, who will rally around you. If you do, now is the time to call the troops to your side to help you get through.

If she went with the kids to the airport for a holiday today, nobody would stop her and that’s fair enough.

These children have just had a major schism between their parents occur. There are high feelings all round.

Please explain to me how it is to those children's benefit to have fuel poured on the fire of their confusion and fear at their world changing by risking their mother being reported for an offence. Even one that does not result in a court case and conviction would send the OP's stress levels sky rocketing. Children living with a parent struggling with bad news and the scary unknown piled on do not usually benefit from a new load of the same being dumped on top of them via a parent being pushed to her absolute limits and beyond.

And that's before you consider the possibility of them being on holiday with the local police honing on them. Even if it is to just inform the OP she has to take the kids back, it is still a shocking and frightening occurrence for children who right now need fewer aftershocks, not more.

This is exactly the sort of time when "children's needs before adult wants" has to be centred by as many adults in their life as possible. Because there is already one candidate for having forgotten that line in the sand. The tiny people with no choices, no voice, no power in any of this need other adults joining him in the dubious priorities camp like they need a hole in the head.

There are some very unrealistic views on relationships being aired here; I've been married 30+ years and my marriage has never been perfect. An imperfect marriage doesn't mean it's not a good marriage. Can any of you blaming this woman for her husband's completely shitty behaviour claim to have a perfect relationship? What you are saying is if you don't give a man exactly what he wants then you have nobody to blame but yourself when he cheats, lies and breaks up the family. What century are you living in? How depressing to think marriage vows have so little importance that unless the husband has everything just how he wants it, you can't expect fidelity or loyalty. Sorry but I don't see it as my duty as a wife, and I'm sure my DH doesn't see it as his duty as a husband, to ensure that the other is 100% happy all the time. If this selfish man is looking for perfection, he'll be looking a long time.

Even if op had the passports her husband could still ask his solicitor to contact the passport office and have an alert placed on them. So if they all checked in at an airport for instance it would be immediately flagged.

Does he think you are a flight risk? I can 7nderstand the passport issue in that instance.

Take the dc to your home country for half term week. Let him stew

Really really bad idea.

Fast way to both end up In court and everything to get very messy very quickly.

I'm now a widow but was very happy with DH for 17 years. We were happy because our relationship as a couple was as much a priority to us as our role as parents.

DancingForTheDog, you say What you are saying is if you don't give a man exactly what he wants then you have nobody to blame but yourself..

No. What I'm saying is that OP didn't listen when her DH repeatedly told her he was unhappy about the level of intimacy in their marriage. She says herself she couldn't even remember the conversations.

But they meant a lot to her DH. She didn't take his attempts to communicate with her seriously. He feels stuck in what to him is a loveless marriage. And I can see why he might feel that.

OP's DH didn't act entitled. He didn't pester her for sex. No. He behaved like a decent bloke. He told her how he felt and she basically ignored it. Now she's using the excuse that she doesn't even recall the conversations because she's a v busy mother of 3 work full time - which I would say is exactly the problem. If my DH had been so totally engrossed in his role as daddy that he didn't pay attention to me as his DW I too would have felt lonely and unloved

I feel that if the positions were reversed, and a woman was talking about having her pleas for more physical attention ignored, people would be taking a very different line

Of course OP is very upset, but her DH has been unhappy for at least three years. There's no excuse for having an affair but he did come clean as soon as it became physical. Seems they're incompatible and sometimes marriages end for good reason.

Three times in three years is not repeatedly saying anything in my world that wouldn’t even count as whining.

It was not repeatedly, stick to the facts! It was a mention once a year for 3 years, a mention, he didn’t even open it up for a discussion, actual worse excuse I’ve ever heard, not that there’s ever an excuse. Can’t believe some responses based on that making out it’s understandable to break marriage vows and walk out on 3 kids.

"No. What I'm saying is that OP didn't listen when her DH repeatedly told her he was unhappy about the level of intimacy in their marriage. She says herself she couldn't even remember the conversations."

I assumed she couldn't remember them because they were passing remarks at best, now blown out of all proportion by him to justify his behaviour.

Had he sat her down and said he was desperately unhappy or feared for the future of their marriage or begged her to seek couples counselling, I think she'd have remembered.

OP, this isn’t a sudden decision on your H’s part.

The fact he’s taken your passports indicates he’s been planning this for a while.

You need to go into self preservation mode.

Get an std check, he’s screwing a random off the internet, I’d not bleed ever this was the only time.

Open a bank account in your sole name and empty funds from joint account into it. I am willing to be you’re going to get a shock when you check joint accounts.

Have your salary sent to your personal account which he has no access to, do the same with any benefits you may receive eg child benefit/tax credits.

Rally around friends and relatives, tell them what happened.

Get yourself a solicitor.

Get financial advice, start with citizens advice to check what you are entitled to.

In your position I would set up a child maintenance claim too, it takes months for them to collect the money I’d do it now.

Apply for new passports ASAP.

Move all important documents somewhere safe. Eg birth certificates etc.

You need to be practical and level headed right now. Sort out your finances quickly.

Robin2323 but he’s not an ex yet. They aren’t divorced and still all have the same surname. If she went with the kids to the airport for a holiday today, nobody would stop her and

This 'lady ' I knew wasn't divorced and had the same surname as her (x) h - they were separated.
She wanted to take the 3 kids abroad for 10 days.
The h was afraid she wouldn't bring them back and would sign the papers.
If she had gone anyway she would have been arrested at the airport ...

Would NOT sign

@Prawn you have some valid points.
But HE CHEATED ON HER!
he should have gone before contemplating sex with someone else.

Oh, I agree, Eatmycheese. He shouldn't have had an affair. But it sounds as if he's been feeling their marriage was loveless for years.

Well @Prawn with three children - yes three children under 9 - that’s tragic.

"But it sounds as if he's been feeling their marriage was loveless for years."

If only he'd found a way to communicate that effectively. Not once a year, in passing, in such a minor way that it doesn't even register in OP's memory even now when she's racking her brains to recall.

That's if he ever said anything at all of course, since cheating spouses are renowned for rewriting history to justify their poor choices.

Also your hurtful use of the word 'loveless' is a low blow considering she loved him very much, never refused sex and hasn't changed in any way whatsoever (has never been demonstrative, a fact he knew when he met and married her and was presumably quite happy about until recently).

OP, he needs to tell himself something so he can look at himself in the mirror. He is attempting to convince himself that it's your fault, that you should've listened to his complaints, loved him more, been more enthusiastic about sex. It's pathetic and all part of the script. Your best bet now is to surprise him with your strength and determination. Let's hope his new gf continues to be demonstrative or else she'll know fully what to expect from him won't she.

@gloomy spot on

Sexless and loveless are two separate things and the relationship was not sexless, and as per the OP not loveless either.
He is simply blaming her.

I don't blame him for not bringing it up more than 3 times in 3 years. On MN if you bring it up more than once you're immediately a sex pest...