My husband had an affair for 6 weeks now want to ends our marriage for good. I want him.

[Teddy77]

Last Monday I found out that my husband (who I still love as much as I did on our wedding day) of 10 years and partner of 15 years had an affair. He met her online, has only been chatting with her for 6 weeks, had sex once (apparently!) but tells me he is head over heels in love – a kind of love that he has never ever felt before (even for me!!), she is his soul mate and wants out of our apparent ‘loveless’ marriage ASAP. We have 3 young children under the age of 9 years old. He said I did not give him enough “physical attention” and that everything else was fine. We don’t fight and are actually a really good team when it comes to family life, our home and the kids. I never turned him down for sex but on the other hand I am not a naturally touchy/feely kind of person so I never initiated touch/sex either (my bad!!). But like I said I have always been like this, he knows this. He said he told me 3 times in 3 years ! that he would like more physical touch I would do it for a few days then revert back into my old/normal self/patterns (again v busy mother of 3 work full time etc. I barely remember what happened yesterday let alone 3 conversations in 3 years!!). If he had talked to me more about how he was feeling I would of 100% acted and made it right. But he never talked, never told me how unloved he felt hence I never knew. He is a great Dad and helpful husband so I thought we were happy. I have asked him to give “us” a chance but he blankly says NO, reason being he does not love anymore. I find it impossible to believe that all the love he has for me is completely gone. My theory is that because he is SO consumed by this new, exciting, mysterious love that he cannot find any love inside him for anyone else, not even his own kids. So after 5 days of this NO NO NO going on I kicked him out of the house and told him to take as much time and space as he needs to make a decision on the future. I asked him to stay away, no contact for 2 weeks. Before he left (knowing that he would not see me or kids for two weeks) he did not even take the time to spend time with them which I find bizarre and a little unnervey / scary. I am trying to keep my cool and not contact him but I miss and love him so much that it is killing me inside. I want to give US a try, I said even if he still decides to still LEAVE after giving it a GO at least I will know that we bought FOUGHT to keep our family/unit together. Only then will I be somewhat ok :-( to walk away…..Advice needed please, how to I play this I DESPERATELY want him back x

I would also announce that you met someone 45 minutes ago and he's the love of your life. You are leaving and will have the kids every other weekend. Then leave.

OP - he’s gaslighting you. Three single times in three years is NOT addressing the issue of sex in the marriage. He could have talked to you more AND taken steps to explain what he needed. Actually telling you he didn’t feel loved, not that he wanted you to initiate sex.

He took to organising however it was online where he met this woman (dating site?). This woman was not likely the only one but the only one he’s taken to having sex with.

The OW may not even know he is married or he may have claimed you were separated and NEVER had sex. He is a cheat. Pure and simple

His hiding the passports us a real telling matter. He has thought about ending the marriage in great detail and certainly has had advice to hide the passports.

You must get all financial records together and see a solicitor. You need to know all is fair in love and war and by hiding the passports he has shown it’s going to be war, not an amicable split. That was down right underhanded and you should expect serious issue from him to even plan to see your family for a visit. He’s shown already his intention that you’ll not be able to go abroad with the children.

Another person posted about giving him the kids for three weeks. I never thought about it but yes, do that. Perhaps though not in your home in case you are then not able to get back in. Might be worth while ensuring you legally get parental responsibility first.

Legal advice ASAP sounds crucial for you. He has planned this and must certainly could be far longer than 6 weeks too.

I’m so very sorry for you. It’s not you, it’s him. Do not blame yourself. If you weren’t a good match, you wouldn’t have last the 5 years dating before marriage. This is all on him. You are good enough. You are deserving of a faithful husband. Do not accept him blaming you. It’s what he is saying to himself to justify to himself his horrible behaviour.

Actually isn’t that the problem here from the OP it isn’t sex he complained about but physical affection so how did an affair solve that

Don't post very often amazed by negative comments doubt op will post again.
Full time job 3 kids.
15 years together and its her fault.

Total scumbag poor him.

First if STD testing hadn’t been suggested OP please seek medical advice, herpes btw can take 6-12 months to manifest.
For those citing lack of sex....the OP’s “D”H has probably used this lack of intimacy as an excuse. Leaving the OP guilt ridden.
Her partner is a lying cheat, he will say anything.

I agree with sausage. Fairly similar scenario for me a few years back. I did the pick me dance to no avail.. How could the boring wife who does the laundry and juggles everything compete with the 'soulmate' who had nothing to do but him! I do wish I'd insisted on 50/50 care. He fucked off 2 hours away from the kids and at no point did he ask if I was OK to be a single working mum. We are not on good terms mostly because he refuses to acknowledge what a shit situation he left me in or what I do every single day. I don't care now about the affair or ow but I do care very much that my life is so radically different to his. OP take the advice here to get up off the mat, get some legal advice and make it clear that in two weeks it's his turn to mind the nest. Good luck

"OP he's gaslighting you - 3 single times in 3 years is not addressing the issue of sex within a marriage."

Maybe he didnt want to pressure or nag his wife into sex she didnt want?

Op 50/50 childcare is the way to go. If he's a good dad he will want that and can prove he can put his children first.
You are entitled to time to yourself too

To the vocal few on this page defending,minimalizing and rationalizing what the husband has done do you think your view is helpful for this OP who is reeling right now? Does it feel good to kick someone while they’re down? She’s managing her home,three children under nine and a full time job! How can you take a man who cheats,lies,walks out on his family as 100% truthful? He may have been unfaithful more than once and now this one he has “feelings for her” when he’s just horny! Please OP file for new passports,see a lawyer and a financial advisor. Seek counseling through work if available to help manage your stress. Good luck

Pressuring and nagging, no. Sitting down and saying..' I really feel that if something doesn't change this marriage may not survive' is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. And if the OP really felt she couldn't meet his needs then they could come to a decision together to go their separate ways. OR he could go fishing online and fall in 'love' over a keyboard so much that it justifies ditching his family. Hmm.

He isn't the person you thought he was. Don't let the kids out of your sight until you have cancelled those passports.

Bored of hearing certain posters sympathising with this man.

Despite working full time, looking after three young children and (I'll bet) doing most of the chores at home, she's never turned him down for sex.

She wasn't a demonstrative person when he married her.

He raised this once a year for three years.

He's got fuck all to complain about and is rewriting history to justify his shitty behaviour.

Even if you identify with this shitty twat, this is not the thread to express that on. What sort of person looks at a devastated and frightened woman and decided to tell her it's her own fault?

OP, what led up to this doesn't matter. Take charge now and show him what you're made of. Stick to your guns even when his six-week joke 'relationship' fails and he ends up with nothing.

Report the passports as lost.

Take steps to make your separation legal.

Leave him to his 'soulmate' and work on having the best life you possibly can, without him.

Being a single parent, working full-time, it's going to be tough.

But he has to step up and take his fair share of childcare duties. Don't do the 'pick me' dance, he's not worth it.

There are far better men out there than your cheating husband.

He told you three times in three years he wanted more sex and affection.

Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Could easily be gaslighting and part of the usual cheater's bid to re-write history.

In any case, 3 times in 3 years isn't much of an effort to talk, and certainly doesn't seem to be about anything other than his needs.

And hiding the passports strongly siggests he's planning stuff, so I'd report them as stolen and get new ones.

You need to gain strength for yourself and implement the 180...which is about knowing you can be happy with it without him.

The 180

Pick the ones that fit your situation...remember the 180 is for you .. its not a tool to manipulate your cheating spouse.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Hiding your passports is really serious.
I would see a solicitor straight away and find out what your rights are.
I can understand him panicking about the possibility of you taking the children abroad, but he has no right at all to withhold your passport from you.

So sorry this is happening OP.

OP. I’m sorry.

This happened to me and it didn’t end well.

So far you’ve done the right thing in getting him out and no contact. I hope that strength stays with you.

Buckle up, you’re going to have to get legal advice sharpish.

Don’t do the ‘pick me’ dance. You deserve better than a man who can turn his back on his wife and family.

Deeds on the house, tic or joint? Cars? Savings.

Throw yourself into the practical and assume he’s gone for good.

Be a lady to yourself and you will get through this and have a happier life. Maybe even one where you fancy the arse of your new partner so much you’re shagging like rabbits 3 years in.

This is hard to deal with at first, but you have a family to raise. Kick that loser to the curb. He’s made his piss poor choices and you do not need to be defined by them.

You will be ok. I repeat, you will move on. I repeat you will be ok.

You must be reeling from the pain and shock, but the ladies here know some of the best tips.

Lots of strength to you

He's blaming you because he feels guilty and is doing his best to pass that guilt onto you to make himself feel better.

Something similar happened to a good friend (although I don't know if lack of sex was the initial excuse). Since leaving, he's shown his true colours and blamed her for everything that's ever gone wrong in his life, it's unbelievable. This man has also proved to be a rubbish father, withholding child support, changing contact at the last minute, etc.

I hate to scare you, OP, but if your DH can be this heartless, you need to be prepared for a complete personality change from the involved Dad you've known. Assume he's going to be difficult on the financial and access fronts - make ALL arrangements in writing (e-mails, keep screenshots of texts) as you may need proof later.

I'd ask him directly what's happened to the passports (maybe text?) and keep his response. Stay strong.

He deliberately went looking for an affair. He went online dating. He looked for it. He’s not trustworthy. He’s probably shagging her right now while telling her how much he loves her and how awful you are. And you want him back? No. Have more pride for yourself. Message him and say you’ve changed your mind. You don’t want him back after 2 weeks, he can stay gone and you are filing for divorce ASAP. You’ll be back in touch once you’ve spoken to a solicitor. Don’t facilitate him. Don’t cover for him. Tell everyone what he’s done. Let his little fantasy world start to crumble. You can do this. You deserve better than this disrespectful arsehole. If he really wasn’t happy then he could have booked for you both to go to a counsellor. But he didn’t because he’s a liar and deceitful. I bet he’s been at it with women in addition to this one. You are only hearing the tip of the iceberg. Nobody leaves their wife, home, 3 kids for somebody they met 6 weeks ago!! She’s obviously got no morals opening her legs that quickly either. Aren’t you disgusted by them? Get angry and get rid.

Yes, get all your ducks in a row. If I was you, I’d get replacement passports (don’t tell him) and book a nice long holiday to go see your family. Just book and go and tell him once you’re over there. You are entitled to a holiday after what he’s put you through.

Prawn. You are thinking as the husband is you. She explained that this is how she has always been. So she hasn’t changed.

3 conversations can be frustrating but not enough to give up on someone, you have to do something more frequently than that to make it habit.

I repect your opinion but as she is not in a place where anything can be changed as he is not open to it perhaps your saying her lack of effection is to blame is not helping her deal with this.

If he was with her 5 years before he married her ... perhaps he knew what he was getting and was happy with this deal then and it’s him that has changed.

Some of the comments are unhelpful and nasty.

But taking you passports is a huge red flag and controlling. There are other things he could have done/do legally to stop you leaving the country (at least permanently).

It does show he will "fight dirty".
So get the best legal advice you can. And remember you are doing it to protect yourself and your children.

Not completely sure but new someone who wanted to Children out the country - just for a holiday.
Exh would not sign 'some ' paper - so even with the passports she couldn't take the
Then.

Robin2323 but he’s not an ex yet. They aren’t divorced and still all have the same surname. If she went with the kids to the airport for a holiday today, nobody would stop her and that’s fair enough. Why shouldn’t she get a holiday to visit family when he’s away doing god knows what. I’d take the opportunity now OP before all the legal wrangling starts. If it was me, I’d be on a plane by Monday,

All this hysteria about hiding the passports confuses me. On every thread on MN I've seen, when a woman is planning to leave her husband she is told to hide the passports, even where there is no abuse involved. He is doing the same and he's evil for it?