eatmycheese I’m not sure it’s helpful to moralise about what you think you’d do in this situation, OP is where she is and has to deal with her reality.
Some overlap between relationships isn’t uncommon. Obviously it’d have been better for him not to cheat, but sometimes a person can trudge along unhappily for years and only get up the motivation to leave when someone else catches their eye and they get a glimpse of what life could be like with someone they’re genuinely happy with I guess. It’s not ideal but would people be judging OP’s husband any less if he’d had an emotional affair for a month then left? I doubt it. There’s every chance he grew closer to the OW over the past six weeks and as soon as it turned physical he’s told OP their marriage is over. I’m not for a minute suggesting he’s acted wonderfully but after years of marriage it’s not a surprise it’s taken a few weeks to understand his feelings and make a huge decision like leaving.
People can leave relationships that aren’t working anymore. Three years is a long time to feel unwanted sexually and NEVER have your partner initiate sex. I’d feel so unattractive and unwanted if my partner never initiated sex. Especially if I’d told him several times over the course of as many years that I was unhappy with our intimacy and nothing changed, and he pretended remembering those discussions was too much for him to be able to do.
OP you say ‘why hasn’t he told me he’s unhappy?’ but by the sounds of it, he has. For three years. Can I ask, why didn’t you try to address his worries about your sex life during that time? Did you take it for granted he’d always be around?
Fifteen years is a good run, no doubt part of wanting him back is the regret that you didn’t take him seriously or show him how much he meant to you intimately. It’s definitely not all your fault, no relationship issues are completely one sided! Please don’t think I’m suggesting that. But he’s had enough. You are incompatible. Everyone has different ways they show and like to be shown love, and if one of his is your love life and you’re not interested in ever initiating this outcome was probably inevitable eventually, whether he left for another woman or just to be alone.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, he seems pretty sure he’s done so you do need to start moving on. If you ever move onto another relationship you can take what you’ve learned from being with your DH like we all do when a relationship ends. I know you don’t want to lose your family but I don’t think you have any choice anymore. You’ll still have your family, it’ll just look different. You and the kids, him and the kids. Coparents, maybe someday friends.
again v busy mother of 3 work full time etc. I barely remember what happened yesterday let alone 3 conversations in 3 years! I would find this so hurtful in your husband’s position, when your life partner tells you they’re unhappy with the relationship and need more intimacy shown, acts of love, loving words, whatever it is, surely that’s something you’d take seriously and remember? Does he not work full time and parent three children too?
I don’t think he’s a monster. He could have dragged this on cheating for months. He’s met someone new and is ending your relationship to be able to focus on that new relationship openly. He’s told you he’s no longer in love with you. Believe him. Some of the responses here are awful, because he’s a man and has felt neglected and unhappy and unwanted sexually that means he’s a knob? Why is a man’s happiness with his love life worth so much denigration? Would you say the same to a wife who felt her confidence destroyed by never ever feeling attractive to her husband? It can wear your confidence and sexuality down over time being with someone you feel like you’re having to force yourself on to ever get that connection.
And anyway, he’s not exactly throw the marriage away in haste has he? He’s been telling OP for three years. Eventually if you want to retain your own dignity and self respect you stop begging. I can see how tempting it would be to meet someone who actually shows they want you sexually.