My husband had an affair for 6 weeks now want to ends our marriage for good. I want him.

[Teddy77]

Last Monday I found out that my husband (who I still love as much as I did on our wedding day) of 10 years and partner of 15 years had an affair. He met her online, has only been chatting with her for 6 weeks, had sex once (apparently!) but tells me he is head over heels in love – a kind of love that he has never ever felt before (even for me!!), she is his soul mate and wants out of our apparent ‘loveless’ marriage ASAP. We have 3 young children under the age of 9 years old. He said I did not give him enough “physical attention” and that everything else was fine. We don’t fight and are actually a really good team when it comes to family life, our home and the kids. I never turned him down for sex but on the other hand I am not a naturally touchy/feely kind of person so I never initiated touch/sex either (my bad!!). But like I said I have always been like this, he knows this. He said he told me 3 times in 3 years ! that he would like more physical touch I would do it for a few days then revert back into my old/normal self/patterns (again v busy mother of 3 work full time etc. I barely remember what happened yesterday let alone 3 conversations in 3 years!!). If he had talked to me more about how he was feeling I would of 100% acted and made it right. But he never talked, never told me how unloved he felt hence I never knew. He is a great Dad and helpful husband so I thought we were happy. I have asked him to give “us” a chance but he blankly says NO, reason being he does not love anymore. I find it impossible to believe that all the love he has for me is completely gone. My theory is that because he is SO consumed by this new, exciting, mysterious love that he cannot find any love inside him for anyone else, not even his own kids. So after 5 days of this NO NO NO going on I kicked him out of the house and told him to take as much time and space as he needs to make a decision on the future. I asked him to stay away, no contact for 2 weeks. Before he left (knowing that he would not see me or kids for two weeks) he did not even take the time to spend time with them which I find bizarre and a little unnervey / scary. I am trying to keep my cool and not contact him but I miss and love him so much that it is killing me inside. I want to give US a try, I said even if he still decides to still LEAVE after giving it a GO at least I will know that we bought FOUGHT to keep our family/unit together. Only then will I be somewhat ok :-( to walk away…..Advice needed please, how to I play this I DESPERATELY want him back x

Just in case it doesn't work out and you don't end up together, I would check out finances, mortgage, who owns what, maybe speak to a solicitor. Because you don't know what he is doing, maybe OW has financial responsibilities that he will take on leaving little for your family, maybe they will emigrate. Whilst you are panicking he could be planning. He doesn't need to know any of this but for your DCs sake be practical.

This is all on him and his affair partner owes you nothing. He is a selfish and entitled individual; he felt entitled to do this and that has nothing to do with either you as a person or your children.

Instead of talking to you he decided of his own free will to have an affair and subsequently end his marriage that way. Its not your fault this happened, he is simply rewriting history here by blaming you to assuage his own guilty conscience. Why would you want to take him back at all after all the hurt he has and still causes you and these children in his crosshairs?.

Do read the website entitled ChumpLady www.chumplady.com/. It will help you no end.

He has physically and emotionally checked out completely from your relationship. You did right in asking him to leave the home for two weeks and you are not some booby prize to be fought for. He ended it, he can take the consequences of the end of his marriage as a result. Have you as yet sought legal advice, this is a course of action I would advise you do and asap.

Do not keep doing the "pick me dance" as you are doing here; it will not help and will only serve to make you feel worse. You asked him not to contact you, you need to do the same. Your version of US here is over.

OP - don’t ask, don’t beg. And don’t tell him you are eating for his decision.
Won’t change anything and will only make you feel bad.

Best thing you can do - is to take some power back. Go and talk to the solicitor, so that you are prepared and know how things will be.
Look for any paperwork, so that he doesn’t have time to hide and scheme.

And - if after the fog recedes - he realises that he made a mistake as doesn’t know that woman, and his fantasy of life with her is that - a fantasy.... if that happen - don’t just take him back. You’ll need to both work on the relationship.

But if he doesn’t come back on his own - there is NOTHING you can do to make him.

Sorry this is happening.

‘Waiting’ for his decision

Of course you still want him- you haven’t changed. He will try to rewrite the narrative so he says he never felt this for you blah blah - all to make himself feel better.

This will be the hardest thing to get through but you will. His appalling behaviour is part of a script which is so predictable. Detach detach. Find your friends and seek their support. You don’t need him even if you feel for now you do. Keep you head and listen to the great advice people give on here - I wish I had had mumsnet years ago.

I know that you are hurting, but please please please Do NOT do the anything 'pick me' dance. He is not the man you thought he was, he is a liar and a cheat who is quite happy to destroy your life and your children's in order to get what he wants. He is a selfish, dishonest man and not someone you want to pick you. Even if he agrees to give it a go, he's made it clear he has no intention of giving up his mistress. Rather than address any potential issues in your marriage with you like a grown up, he went trawling the internet for a replacement. Let him go. This man will only ever cause you pain.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice. I am just struggling to see any future where HE is not in it. He is such a hands on Dad that I don't think I can do this single mum, 3 young kids, full time job etc. by myself and am freaking out at the prospect. I have loads of great friends nearby who are rallying around me but all of my family live overseas (and he has hidden our passports!). I just want this nightmare to end and everything to go back to normal :-(

Why has he hidden your passports?

Please dont wait for his decision. His mind won't change and the sooner you get on with dealing with this new (currently shit feeling reality) the better. You can do the single mum thing..and hopefully you can co-parent. But please, of he's going to have second thoughts of any kind, it won't be yet, it will be months down the line when the dust settles.

The best thing you can do is show him that you don't need him and can cope without him.

Why has he hidden your passports? Does he suspect you will go to your family?

He is acting so coldly and seemingly out of character that you have to assume the worse in terms of what he might be planning financially wise for you and your family. You need to protect your interests. I know you want him back, but you can want him back and be prepared too. Personally I would not want him, he sounds like a manchild making all sorts of justifications for going off and getting his leg over. However much he wants to act like a single man giddy with love, he has responsibilities and he needs pinning down.

Dear OP, please listen to the advice here about getting your financial stuff in order, without telling him of course. You have done nothing wrong and you deserve more than to beg a man like this to come back to you. I know it's awful for you and your children, but it seems that he's made his choice. To be honest, even without the cheating, the hiding your passports is a pretty big deal - so HE can make his plans for HIS future with the OW, but he is ensuring that YOU and your children can't do so ... you will be better off without him, although it might be some time before you will be able to appreciate it.

Yes he thinks I will leave with 'his' kids and maybe not come back...hence why I think he has hidden them. I will take all the advice above and start get my (pardon the pun!) affairs in order !

I kicked him out of the house and told him to take as much time and space as he needs to make a decision on the future.

No. You need to take back control here, you're letting him run the show. He's already told you what he wants, it's just that it's not what you want to hear.

I'm sorry, but you really need to stop playing to 'pick me' dance and have a bit of respect for yourself. Find your anger. He's a selfish cheating bastard, not the 'wonderful' husband and father you think he is. He didn't even spend time with his kids before he left? Tells you all you need to know.

Please seek leal advice and get yourself and the kids sorted.

You can do this and you will be fine. Honest.

If I were your DH I would probably have told you we were separating with a view to divorce. I would never cheat, but I'd be ending the marriage.

Physical attention and a good sex life are very important to me. After repeatedly telling you how important it was and you trying to change for a short time and then going back to never actually turning him down? Tbh, I'd check out eventually.

If you appear desperate then he will stay away. Prove that you are coping and independent and don't need him (which is true) then you'll suddenly become more attractive. Hopefully that act will become reality because why would you want a lying, cheating scumbag anyway? If you ever consider taking him back if he realises the grass isn't greener, please make him work for it.

And get replacement passports if you need the support of your family. That act alone would enrage me.

Prawn you sound delightful.

She's a full time working mother!

And her DH is a full-time working father. So?

Who does he think he is? He told you three times in three years he wanted more sex and affection. If you weren’t sexually comatipble then he should have tried to sort this with you or decided whether it was enough to walk away from the marriage and family he’d made. Not this tawdry, tragic smut.

And as for hiding your passports I would get that sorted ASAP. Report them stolen, whatever.

Leave him to rot. He is not worth your anguish. If you cannot see this as a woman, consider just how badly he has let your young children down.

See a Solicitor and if it were me I would quietly set about smashing his rotten world up.

She is welcome to him. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I’m sorry 💐. It hurts so much doesn’t it 😢

However, you need to STOP doing the ‘pick me dance’ and take back control.

This is really hard to face, but it doesn't matter what you want, it doesn’t matter what you think, it doesn’t matter what could/should/would have happened in the past. He has told you he’s madly in love with another woman, that he loves her in a way he never loved you and that he wants her. That’s how he feels and even if in 2 weeks/months/years time he wakes up to himself, you’ll NEVER forget hearing those words come out of his mouth. There’s no way of going back. You’ll just torture yourself. And right now he doesn’t even want to try.

ALL you can do is gather up EVERY single bit of self esteem, self control and will
power and ‘fake it until you make it’. Tell him you agree that him leaving is for the best, pack up ALL of his crap, tell him to come and collect it and that you’ll file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. Sort out a schedule for childcare/contact time and this is done AWAY from YOUR home. He wants out, he gets OUT. It’s no longer his home.

I KNOW it’s beyond hard, but honestly, in the long run it will save you your dignity AND your sanity.

Be strong. You WILL be ok.

Get the paperwork in order, get new passports and get control over your destiny...even though it’s not the path you’d been expecting to take.

It’s shit, but you can do it.

If you want to get this man back (god knows why you would, but still) then you need to play hard to get.

Be cold with him when you see him. Don't ask questions about his life or his family. Don't let him into the house, just let the children meet him at the front door. Don't give him a cup of coffee or a meal.

Act as though he is your enemy, but remain polite.

If he thinks you don't want him, then you will suddenly become more attractive to him.

HOWEVER, he sounds a complete knob and I think you shouldn't want him back.

And if he does come back, there will be a period of hysterical bonding, where you have lots of sex. You will think that means you were meant to be together. He will think he's had his cake and eaten it. But after a few weeks, you'll feel hollow inside, as though you've rewarded him for his infidelity. And you will be suspicious and watch every move he makes. You'll never trust him again and more than likely he'll leave you for that reason, even though he knows he's not trustworthy.

It's a hard road ahead, but the harder one would be doing the pick-me dance now. It might be only later that you realise how humiliating it was.

He found this woman online, chatted to her and met her for sex. And is so besotted with her that after just 6 weeks he's ready to throw 15 years away and leave his children.

Why are you letting HIM decide if you are worthy of his affection? Are you not deserving of better? And I hate to say this but he will either have done this before or he will do it again. Men are either faithful or they're not in my book.

If a couple drift into becoming parents and one or other of them puts no effort into the primary relationship - the one that created the family - it's fairly predictable that one or both of them will check out of the romantic partnership.

For someone who cares a lot about physical affection to ask their partner again and again over years and never get any more must be so lonely and sad.

Not saying OP is to blame, just that her DH has to leave to find someone he can be happy with. Living the rest of his life like this might suit OP but I can entirely see why he's opting out.

In time OP may meet a new partner who feels as she does about physical affection, whileI would suit everyone.

What a dick! He's hidden your passports? What the f??

Report them as stolen and get new ones ASAP!

Also make sure you half of all the money in joint bank accounts and put it in your personal account.

Report passports as lost and get new ones. Who earns what? Get your salary paid to a sole account. Book in to see a solicitor