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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed friendly neighbour and husbamd

80 replies

IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 14:38

Hi all. Just wanted some advice as really not sure what to do next for the best
I've in my mid forties and have been with my husband since my late teens. We've always had an honest relationship and never ever had any issues regarding other men/women. Until now. Before I start let me just say any issues on my part are to do with my husband, not so much the neighbour. I'm pretty mad at him right now.

Basically it all started when he got talking to a neighbour, too many texts went back and forth between them, more than what I was comfortable with, so he promised he would calm them down and the friendship too. Ok all good so far as I know he did calm the texts right down, but then he starts going in her house. Even once with our kids at about midnight!! Now to cut a long story short otherwise I'll be here all day, I have said to him on 3 separate occasions that whilst I don't mind them talking (I'm not jealous by nature and I do trust him) I don't want him going in her house as far as I am concerned he has no need to. He promised yet each time he has broken that promise and it's got to the point now where I feel uncomfortable living in my own home. I just want to go (there is a lot more to the story but as I said I'd be here all day) and get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every evening I return home from work.
So anyway last week we have a long phone conversation I explained how uncomfortable I felt and he agreed that it's not right that I feel like that so he will stop going in her house, he understands that it's not on etc etc.

Well yesterday what do i see him do, go into her house (you can see her house across the street). He comes back and I have a moody look on my face.

Am I being unreasonable, as he seems to think I am being? Do you not think I have a right to be put first as his wife? I need some advice as to how to make him understand how upset I am that even though this is making me feel really uncomfortable he still won't stop going in her house? I don't want to come across as the needy possessive wife because that really isn't me but I'm feeling really awful it's actually making me feel sick. And like i said I'm much more mad woth him than her, as far as I am concerned she doesn't really owe me anything but he definitely owes me his loyalty. And I don't think he's having an affair but I am worried they are getting too close emotionally. Help!! Thank you

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 01/10/2018 14:42

Is she single? Do you think you DH fancies her? They could just be friends, you know. Would he really start anything up with a neighbour? That's so sleazy. There's a saying 'don't shit on your own doorstep' - maybe he should take heed.

Musti · 01/10/2018 14:42

Are you also welcome in her house? If they're friends I don't see the issue.

IMissGin · 01/10/2018 14:42

What I don’t understand from your post is why? Why is he going to her house? Does she have a husband?

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 14:52

Hi thanks for your replies. No she's a single mother and until I found all the texts I didn't have a problem with them bring friends. When you find 30 or 40 texts every day over a 3 week period it does make you think, even if none are inappropriate! I don't actually know her. My point is that he knows how uncomfortable I am feeling with this yet he seems more bothered about how she would feel if he stopped the friendship. I told him I don't care if they talk in passing but I just don't see why he needs to go in her house - like I said over the last 6 months there's been loads of things that niggle at me. And the thing is I'm not a jealous person. In the nearly 30 yrs we've been together I've never hassled him about female friends or anything, I'm pretty cool like that lol but I don't know why but I'm getting vibes/bad gut feeling about this that I have never felt before. Like I said not so much towards her but on the part of my husband. I also think he's going through some sort of mid life crisis, if that has any bearing on it

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 01/10/2018 14:52

What on earth is he doing in there? sounds very odd.

Emma765 · 01/10/2018 14:55

I've read this before. Did he get your kids out of bed and take them over because she needed a lightbulb changing?

Joysmum · 01/10/2018 14:55

He’s investing more in their friendship and cares more about her feelings and how their relationship makes him feel than he does about and your relationship.

I’d be getting angry.

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 14:55

Sally 2791 He knows her young children quite well from when he used to see them playing in the street and most of the time her door is left wide open when he goes in there but I'm still not feeling too good about it. This is all new to me as I said I've never been 'that' kind of wife until now. The thing is if I was doing the same he would hate it and yes admitted it so what is he playing at?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/10/2018 14:56

Yeah, I usually try to find the innocent explanation, but even I'm falling down on the side this is odd. He's basically sneaking off to see her. Why he would tell you he will stop and then does it anyway beats me.

I'd assume this is more than a friendship, for him, not necessarily for her.

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 14:56

Emma765 I hope not lol no it wasn't me x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2018 14:56

I need some advice as to how to make him understand how upset I am
Well so far he's had no consequences for his actions.
You don't like it - he carries on - you don't like it - he carries on............
How old are your DC!?

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 14:58

Thing is he was open about going over there at first but since I've got funny about it, predictably he's now not telling me because he thinks I'll go off at him, which in turn then makes me think he's hiding things from me. Aagggghh

OP posts:
Enigmam · 01/10/2018 14:59

Apologies if I'm wrong but is your husband a postman? I just remember reading something similar to this before.

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 14:59

Hellsbellsmelons they are 10, 11 and 15. He took the younger 2 with him as they sometimes play with the little girl, although she's only 6

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 01/10/2018 15:00

You have defo posted about this before have you not?

It's not acceptable. They're only neighbours, if it's making you feel uncomfortable of course he should have no further contact and from what you said about seeing the house across the street they are immediate next door neighbours. Sounds like he's infatuated..30/40 texts a day is ridiculous.

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 15:01

Enigmam no he isn't but presumably there a quite a few of us experiencing the same thing. Was there ever an update on the similar post it might help me!!

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 01/10/2018 15:01

*not immediate next door neighbours.

TheMerryWidow1 · 01/10/2018 15:03

Hi, I also thought the same as Emma765. What is his excuse for going in the house, especially at midnight? As you aren't the jealous type I'd rely on the vibes you are feeling. You've told him how it makes you feel and he is ignoring it, thats not fair.

Enigmam · 01/10/2018 15:03

I can't remember the outcome, but he was sneaking over to the neighbour's house and her DC developed an unhealthy attachment to the OPs husband.

Unicornandbows · 01/10/2018 15:06

Oh god it's still on going!? I think you need to tell him your thinking about separation at this point.

It doesn't sound innocent at all

Emma765 · 01/10/2018 15:07

I think this might be the one I was thinking of, although I do remember the postman one too. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3234793-To-ask-Neighbor-to-stop-kn

NotUmbongoUnchained · 01/10/2018 15:07

I really don’t see the problem. I have single male friends. I go in their houses. If my husband told me I couldn’t see a friend of mine because they had a cock I’d be telling him to fuck off.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/10/2018 15:09

He knows you're upset about it, but has chosen to ignore that. You are saying you need to make him understand. He does understand, but he is prioritising whatever is going on with her (emotional/physical affair) over your feelings.

GraceMarks · 01/10/2018 15:13

But what does he say he's doing when he goes over there? When you have confronted him, does he seem evasive? What's the general tone of all these texts - are they a bit in-jokey and making references that you don't understand?

I would agree that it doesn't seem very innocent. I can't help thinking that either he is very stupid if he thinks he can keep doing this right under your nose and you won't notice, or he thinks that you're stupid enough not to cotton on.

As pp have said, there need to be consequences now if he keeps on going against your wishes. At the moment, it's just you making the same point and him ignoring you, and nothing ever happens.

motherofjiggly · 01/10/2018 15:19

30 to 40 texts a day! I can't believe some posters implying you're being unreasonable. That's not normal behaviour.