Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed friendly neighbour and husbamd

80 replies

IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 14:38

Hi all. Just wanted some advice as really not sure what to do next for the best
I've in my mid forties and have been with my husband since my late teens. We've always had an honest relationship and never ever had any issues regarding other men/women. Until now. Before I start let me just say any issues on my part are to do with my husband, not so much the neighbour. I'm pretty mad at him right now.

Basically it all started when he got talking to a neighbour, too many texts went back and forth between them, more than what I was comfortable with, so he promised he would calm them down and the friendship too. Ok all good so far as I know he did calm the texts right down, but then he starts going in her house. Even once with our kids at about midnight!! Now to cut a long story short otherwise I'll be here all day, I have said to him on 3 separate occasions that whilst I don't mind them talking (I'm not jealous by nature and I do trust him) I don't want him going in her house as far as I am concerned he has no need to. He promised yet each time he has broken that promise and it's got to the point now where I feel uncomfortable living in my own home. I just want to go (there is a lot more to the story but as I said I'd be here all day) and get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every evening I return home from work.
So anyway last week we have a long phone conversation I explained how uncomfortable I felt and he agreed that it's not right that I feel like that so he will stop going in her house, he understands that it's not on etc etc.

Well yesterday what do i see him do, go into her house (you can see her house across the street). He comes back and I have a moody look on my face.

Am I being unreasonable, as he seems to think I am being? Do you not think I have a right to be put first as his wife? I need some advice as to how to make him understand how upset I am that even though this is making me feel really uncomfortable he still won't stop going in her house? I don't want to come across as the needy possessive wife because that really isn't me but I'm feeling really awful it's actually making me feel sick. And like i said I'm much more mad woth him than her, as far as I am concerned she doesn't really owe me anything but he definitely owes me his loyalty. And I don't think he's having an affair but I am worried they are getting too close emotionally. Help!! Thank you

OP posts:
TinyLittleTextMessage · 02/10/2018 11:29

You know what is happening here - please don't ignore it.
The longer you let id go, the more involved he'll become with her and the harder it is for him to walk away from her.
The sooner you act, the more likely you are to save your marriage.

Olderbyaminute · 03/10/2018 01:01

I’m sorry OP this is happening-I’d go fucking ballistic and all his belongings would be on the front lawn or if I was really,really angry I’d dump them on her front lawn and leave him

Bodabing · 03/10/2018 06:10

Buy and read, and get HIM to read (if you can). Not Just Friends.
My DH has had a short emotional affair and our therapist recommended this book. It will help you see you are not mad and that he is over stepping the lines. Most affairs are work colleagues but a larger portion of the remaining percentage are actually affairs with neighbors. My DH says if he had read this book before he would have seen the boundaries he was over stepping so much clearer, as he just ignored what I said when I pointed out the problem. He may not be actively looking for an affair, but by ignoring you and concentrating on his friendship with her instead, he is certainly at risk of starting one!

Mmer · 03/10/2018 06:32

30-40 texts/day is insane! It sounds like he is obsessed with her.

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 04/10/2018 16:57

I just feel so confused. For many many years he's always had my back and I know I could trust him with anything and anyone. I keep thinking maybe it's me and I'm blowing it out of proportion but then on the other hand I think about how rational I usually am. I just don't know anymore

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 04/10/2018 17:08

You are NOT over reacting OP, he’s trying to make you feel this way so he can carry on guilt free.

SomeKnobend · 04/10/2018 17:14

What does he say when you ask "why did you go into her house?" every time?

Kick him out and tell him you both need some time to think. He's having an emotional (at least) affair. Something needs to change.

Racecardriver · 04/10/2018 17:20

You were really unreasonable in the first instance. It's not really OK to ask your husband to end a friendship because you have a feeling. How controlling. But given that he agreed to your albeit unreasonable request but has now gone on to lie to you that changes things. That isn't an acceptable way to behave either. It may of course all be innocent. They may just get on really well and really value the friendship but it's unusual for people to get so close so quickly that they would lie to their wife without something underlying.

mogratpineapple · 04/10/2018 17:25

If she's that good a friend has he invited her to your family bbqs? Because that's what I do with my friends.

Inexperiencedchick · 04/10/2018 17:34

Why does the neighbour doesn’t tell him that it’s inappropriate to come to her house so often? Am I wrong assuming she is leading him on as well?

I’m very sorry for you being in this position 💐

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 04/10/2018 17:47

Hi racecardriver the only reason I asked him to calm it down in the first place was because I was extremely uncomfortable with the amount of texting going back and forth. It really wasn't a normal amount for 'friends'. My husband has had lots of female friends over the years and I have never ever had a problem. Even now he has other female friends and I'm totally ok with that. I just have a niggly gut feeling about this particular girl that I can't quite put my finger on if that makes sense.

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 04/10/2018 17:49

What does he say when you ask "why did you go into her house?"

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 04/10/2018 17:49

Inexperiencedchick. Thank you. I'm not sure if she is leading him on as such but I myself wouldn't text a married man the amount she did. I think it's crossing a line

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItMe5 · 04/10/2018 17:50

He says he was saying hello to her kids. They do like him

OP posts:
HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 04/10/2018 17:58

Can you go round to hers with a bottle of wine and say 'I think we need a chat' get her side . It could be he's just giving her unwanted attention. Maybe she's not even aware that you are not happy about all of this ?
At least that way you will know what you are up against. And your DH will be wondering just exactly what's going on! ( let him wonder! He's been doing it to you for ages) see how he likes it.
Hope you can get to the bottom of this, and at the very least find out what she's up to ( if she is up to anything ) or sort it out in a friendly manner .

AdoreTheBeach · 04/10/2018 18:18

As another person asked, why dirsntcnrighbour tell him this is not appropriate. Continuing on that vein, not sure this is another approach and would welcome other mumsnetters opinion on this, but what about going over and having a chat with neighbour. Telling her that you’ve seen the texts and that this causes you concern as it’s far too much. That you would appreciate it if she discouraged your husband coming into her home and not to reply to all these texts. Thoughts?

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 05/10/2018 07:59

This is a bit random but a few.months back my husband told.me.she had looked.me.up on Facebook (don't ask me why) and she told.him I was really pretty. Whatever but anyway I thought ok 2 can play at that so I looked her up. Couldn't find her. Turns out she had blocked me. Now am I the only one who finds it odd.that you would block someone who has never had any contact with you, never had a reason to get.in touch on FB and in fact.youve never had a problem with them at all? At the time as far as she was concerned I didn't even know about the texts and had and.no problem. I just find that odd behaviour. Or am I looking too much into nothing? As I said in an earlier post starting to not trust my own judgement anymore!

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 05/10/2018 11:18

I’m afraid I would see that as a very bad sign... my friend blocked a lady she’d never met before, you know why? Because she was having an affair with her husband! There really is no reason someone would block someone they don’t know. Flowers

MixedMaritalArts · 06/10/2018 00:45

Are they Facebook friends too ? Do they use messenger as well as texts ? Do you use Instagram ?

notapizzaeater · 06/10/2018 01:04

Regardless of everything he should respect your views and stop going there.

Is your dh friends with her on Fb?

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 06/10/2018 01:12

No he doesn't do social media never has done he's quite a private person. If he suddenly got a FB account I would be very suspicious about that anyway

OP posts:
ferando81 · 06/10/2018 01:42

He's lied to you and no longer has your back .I think he's cheated or going to cheat.

Thebluedog · 06/10/2018 07:56

Have you looked for him on fb? Also ask a friend to check for him in case he’s blocked you

Livelovebehappy · 06/10/2018 08:52

I have something similar but no texting. Our neighbour is single mum and my DH and her have very similar sense of humour and regularly chat when he comes home as she sits on her step smoking. I don’t have a problem with it, although she totally blanks me. She did however come round late the other evening to ask him to look at her boiler as her hot water had gone off, and he disappeared round there for half an hour. I told him I felt uncomfortable with him doing that so he has agreed if she asks him to go round again he will refuse. Sometimes you have to go with your gut feeling on these things and be pretty firm with your DH over it. Women can be pretty ruthless if they want something or someone, and he may be flattered at the attention. Would he be as accepting of the situation if it was you who was popping into a single guys house regularly??

SandyY2K · 06/10/2018 09:05

I can't see the need for so many texts. What's in the messages? Do they have a shared hobby or interest?

Most 10 and 11 year olds don't play with 6 year olds either. A 6 year old is like a little kid to them.

I'd conclude it was an affair personally. ..and rather than move I'd rather split up...because he will find a way to see her much easier if you move.

I don't see why a married man is visiting a single woman like that....especially after you've expressed how you feel.

How long has this been going on?

Has she recently moved in?
Any chance the 6 year old is his child?

It's not uncommon to move the OW closer you know.

Swipe left for the next trending thread