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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed friendly neighbour and husbamd

80 replies

IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 14:38

Hi all. Just wanted some advice as really not sure what to do next for the best
I've in my mid forties and have been with my husband since my late teens. We've always had an honest relationship and never ever had any issues regarding other men/women. Until now. Before I start let me just say any issues on my part are to do with my husband, not so much the neighbour. I'm pretty mad at him right now.

Basically it all started when he got talking to a neighbour, too many texts went back and forth between them, more than what I was comfortable with, so he promised he would calm them down and the friendship too. Ok all good so far as I know he did calm the texts right down, but then he starts going in her house. Even once with our kids at about midnight!! Now to cut a long story short otherwise I'll be here all day, I have said to him on 3 separate occasions that whilst I don't mind them talking (I'm not jealous by nature and I do trust him) I don't want him going in her house as far as I am concerned he has no need to. He promised yet each time he has broken that promise and it's got to the point now where I feel uncomfortable living in my own home. I just want to go (there is a lot more to the story but as I said I'd be here all day) and get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every evening I return home from work.
So anyway last week we have a long phone conversation I explained how uncomfortable I felt and he agreed that it's not right that I feel like that so he will stop going in her house, he understands that it's not on etc etc.

Well yesterday what do i see him do, go into her house (you can see her house across the street). He comes back and I have a moody look on my face.

Am I being unreasonable, as he seems to think I am being? Do you not think I have a right to be put first as his wife? I need some advice as to how to make him understand how upset I am that even though this is making me feel really uncomfortable he still won't stop going in her house? I don't want to come across as the needy possessive wife because that really isn't me but I'm feeling really awful it's actually making me feel sick. And like i said I'm much more mad woth him than her, as far as I am concerned she doesn't really owe me anything but he definitely owes me his loyalty. And I don't think he's having an affair but I am worried they are getting too close emotionally. Help!! Thank you

OP posts:
RavenLG · 01/10/2018 15:26

I need some advice as to how to make him understand how upset I am
Well so far he's had no consequences for his actions.
You don't like it - he carries on - you don't like it - he carries on............

Exactly this. You've expressed how unhappy you are with this 'friendship', the text messages, the sneaking around behind your back and yet he still continutes to disrespect you because he knows he is getting away with it. Pack his bags and say "since you've got against what you have promised me, it's clear you don't value our relationship and you need to leave"

I really don’t see the problem. I have single male friends. I go in their houses. If my husband told me I couldn’t see a friend of mine because they had a cock I’d be telling him to fuck off.
While I approciate where you are coming from, it doesn't seem like this is a longstanding friendship that has any foundation. OP's 'DH' has admitted that the relationship with neighbour 'isn't right' and is sneaking aorund behind her back, which is clearly the issue. If your DH approached you in this instance, you admitted you had gotten too close / see too much of a neighbor and would stop going to their house, would you still sneak about behind your husbands back?

sprinklesandsauce · 01/10/2018 15:26

Trust your gut instinct. Yes he is allowed to have friends, but if it is making you feel uncomfortable, then he should stop doing it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/10/2018 15:31

30-40 texts a day?

No, no, no. This is not on.

I'm currently flirting with someone on FB messenger and try and keep to a minimum of 2 or 3 a day!

You've asked him not to go in her house and he is blatantly still doing it. Totally disrespectful and underhand. Go ballistic at him.

Rudgie47 · 01/10/2018 15:34

If hes not shagging her then he really wants to.
Why else would he be so drawn to her?.
I'd let him go to her if he wants her so much and just tell him its over. Hes taking you for a right fool OP.

Sethis · 01/10/2018 15:40

There's physical fidelity and emotional fidelity.

Different couples treat them in different ways. For example couples with open relationships can be totally okay with physical infidelity so long as the emotional fidelity stays sacrosanct.

For me, both physical and emotional fidelity are important. If someone cheats on me by having sex, it's equally as serious as if they were confiding and having deep and meaningful chats with someone else INSTEAD of having them with me, in the context of a single unattached person of the opposite sex. Something that goes way beyond friends.

It sounds very much like he might not be cheating on you by having sex, but it sounds an awful lot like he's cheating on you emotionally.

The problem is that often one becomes the other.

Even on top of that, he has repeatedly said he won't do something, then he has done it. You wouldn't put up with that from a 6yr old, never mind your adult partner.

YANBU. You need to do or say something that makes him sit up and take notice and make an actual decision to prioritise you over a neighbour.

Bibidy · 01/10/2018 15:42

You've expressed how unhappy you are with this 'friendship', the text messages, the sneaking around behind your back and yet he still continutes to disrespect you because he knows he is getting away with it.

I'm not an advocate of the 'if you don't like it, he should stop, no matter what" line of thinking. Perhaps he genuinely doesn't see a reason why he should stop? If he has honest reasons for being there and it's a genuine friendship then he may feel that OP is being unreasonable.

However! 30+ texts a day is not normal at all. What are his reasons for going round there IsItMe5? What does he say to you when you ask him why he's been there??

I would confront him on this again, and ask what is going on and why he needs to go round there so often.

How is it that he knows her and you don't? I'd be getting to know her pretty swiftly now!

Cawfee · 01/10/2018 15:57

I’d be going hard core if it was me and getting estate agents round to value the house. I’d move. Far away from her. It’s not on and I would go full on ballistic if my DH was chatting to a single mother like that. There’s weird stuff going on and if he isn’t already shagging her, he will be soon unless you go hardcore. No way I’d be letting some neighbour pull this shit on my family!

MixedMaritalArts · 01/10/2018 16:01

I’d send him forty texts a day for a week. See how long it takes him to ask you WTAF ... just head tilt and smile .

marvellousnightforamooncup · 01/10/2018 16:08

Even if he wasn't having an emotional affair (which I think he is), you've repeatedly told him it makes you unhappy and he does it anyway. He's a liar and a sneak and he doesn't have your back. All these are reason enough to leave him. He needs to wake up and put you first

forumdonkey · 01/10/2018 16:17

In simple terms he's putting her feelings before yours and that amount of texting is OTT in a friendship. As a single woman, there's no way I'd be regularly texting 30 plus texts to a married man because it would be completely inappropriate and disrespectful and may be perceived as an affair.

Adora10 · 01/10/2018 16:35

Sorry but based on the information, they're having at least an emotional relationship, 30-40 texts in a day?

The fact he keeps renegating on your wishes is also bad; it's highly suspcious, I'd not tolerate it.

noego · 01/10/2018 16:46

If you've been together all that time and have no problem with each other having friends of the opposite sex, I can't help wondering why you haven't been introduced to the new friend?

MissSpoke · 01/10/2018 17:31

If it's not an affair then it will be soon. I think I'd be asking to go to the neighbour's with him. He will say no and then you can ask why.

Then you can dump the bastard and save yourself the world of pain that will surely follow if you don't

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 17:48

I've told him I feel so uncomfortable that I want to move - some might think that's a bit dramatic but it's how i feel. Anyway he's totally up for that. I can't help thinking yes I bet he is because then he can come and go in her house and I won't be watching his every move then. Paranoid maybe? I just don't know. Or.maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/10/2018 17:49

What? He wants to move because he makes uou uncomfortable but can't stop himself?

Seriously?

Original poster
IsItMe5 · 01/10/2018 17:54

Well in all fairness we need a bigger house anyway so were thinking about going at some point but let's just say the need/want to move has increased tenfold for me recently!

OP posts:
IrishGryffindor · 01/10/2018 17:59

I text my fella less than that. He is or has the intention of shagging her

Santaclarita · 01/10/2018 18:05

Has he given any reason as to why he keeps going there?

Id be demanding a reason to be honest. And if he couldn't give one, would ask him if he's happy if i could bugger off to a single man's house for hours for no reason. He's taking the piss.

Angelf1sh · 01/10/2018 18:08

Regardless of whether or not anything is going on between them (there is), he is promising he won’t do something again because he knows it upsets you but then he’s doing it behind your back anyway. This is not ok.

Alpacanorange · 01/10/2018 18:14

What would happen if you were to say “let me know when you are popping over to miss interesting and I’ll join you”? Please come back and tell us his response.

VirtuallyConfused · 01/10/2018 18:40

That much contact?

Speaking from experience, it's beyond friendship.

Thebluedog · 01/10/2018 20:33

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Even if his friendship is completely above board you’ve made it perfectly clear you are uncomfortable with it and don’t want him to carry on. As long as you’re not normally controlling or abusive then I do think, that as your dh, he should be putting your feelings above those of a neighbour. However, he’s putting his own feelings and wants above yours, and continuing this behaviour. And to top it all of he’s now lying about it.

It might be completely innocent, at the moment, but he’s making it into something completely different to that now

slapbitchface · 01/10/2018 21:31

Trust your gut. I had exactly the same scenario not with a neighbour but someone else. Lots of texts etc told DH to back off - he didn't. Eventually it all came out they'd got too friendly and it ended up getting physical between them. Stop it now

Thinkingofausername1 · 01/10/2018 23:05

I would tell her to F off if it was me. And get him to block her on his phone. I can see why you are so pissed off.

springydaff · 01/10/2018 23:50

You don't need help getting him to understand. He already understands. He just wants to go there. He ignores what you've said.

Sounds like he's gearing up to have an affair - it's already an emotional affair on his part. Completely and entirely inappropriate to be sending that many texts a day. He's basically playing away, or gearing up to play away, right under your nose.

He's showing you zero respect. The funny feeling in your gut is your spidey senses. You know something is way off.

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