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Original poster

DH is sulking about his birthday

86 replies

AnAngryRegular · 28/09/2018 10:16

DH is sulking about his birthday.

This seems to happen ever year and I am sooo fed up of it. He seems to have massive expectations of what should happen for his birthday and uses it as a means to ‘test’ the family Angry.
I know his family paid more attentions to birthdays (lots of presents, big family meals out etc) and mine were much more measured (cards, presents and a cake at teatime, unless a ‘big’ one like 21, 30, 40, etc in which case a party)

As a result, I find myself getting really anxious in the run up to his birthday as nothing we do ever seems to measure up. He will never suggest anything and expects us to automatically ‘know’ exactly what he wants.
In the past I’ve arranged trips and nice meals out on his birthday.
This year things have been really busy. Our eldest started uni last weekend so we were away dropping off, and I was really busy helping him.
Knowing DS1 wouldn’t be here I made sure he left a card and present here for DH. DD & I also discussed DH’s birthday and we agreed a couple of little presents which could be ordered from Amazon/which I could pick up in town (as I was going anyway).
In the absence of any suggestions I decided to buy DH a pair of jeans the same size and style (but different colour) as a pair he has and really likes – a well-known brand, which cost £90!
This morning DH was really ‘off’ over breakfast. He opened his presents, asked DD “did you buy this yourself?” (the implication being that she didn’t, as he knew she hadn’t been to town recently) and about the jeans the first thing he said was “where did you buy these?” (as if they were a dodgy knock off pair from ebay!)
Yesterday he announced he was taking the day off work for his birthday, so I cancelled my Friday plans (exercise class, meet up with friend)and suggested we go out for lunch. I’ve also arranged for DS1 to videocall later to wish DH happy birthday.
This morning he announced he thinks we should go ‘as a family’ tonight instead, at which point DD says but she’s already arranged to meet her boyfriend tonight. DH then says “well I’ll leave you to think about what the right decision to make is..” Shock

DD has gone to school almost in tears and I don’t want to spend any of the day with the grumpy git!
Angry

OP posts:
adoggymama · 28/09/2018 10:19

Leave him too it and go off on your own- you've made nice plans and got some presents, leave him to sulk like a baby! Grin

tsonlyme · 28/09/2018 10:20

Christ, what a baby.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 28/09/2018 10:21

Is he this controlling in other areas or just his birthday? Is there something in the background? Some childhood trauma he needs to work through so he can act like an adult?

If it was a one time a year thing I would root out the cause and support him in fixing it. If it happens in other areas of life I'd seriously consider explaining that sulking is something that children do. It may take him some time and involve a bit of effort on your part to help him fix himself, only you can decide if life is too short to play such games.

AgentJohnson · 28/09/2018 10:28

Stop pandering to him. Support your DD in not changing her plans and remind your H that he is an adult and this man baby birthday performance, is old.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 28/09/2018 10:30

Can you get spa days for men?? Pack him off alone next year and you +dc celebrate that instead!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2018 10:31

He sounds bloody awful to live with and sulking anyway is another form of emotional abuse. He has also managed to upset your DD here too. I would think too that on some level your son is glad to be away from all this crap from his dad at home.

Its also not your job either to help him fix his own self. He likely thinks he has no issue at all in acting like this. You being nice to him and making an effort for his birthday has no appreciation from him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Unicornandbows · 28/09/2018 10:33

What the actual fuck!! Op please tell him to get a grip with himself. Please stop enabling this to continue if you have work go to work if you have plans go along with your plans he needs to learn!

hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2018 10:33

Blimey - please stop trying now.
You've no doubt had years of this and nothing is ever good enough.
I won't ever be good enough by the way.
Go out and leave him to it.
And tell him exactly why you are going out.
And make sure your DD sticks to her original plans.
It's a Friday. Could your DD do something with him tomorrow.
My birthday usually lasts for weeks as I try to fit in everyone!

Lucked · 28/09/2018 10:35

What amazing things did he organise for your birthday?

NotTired · 28/09/2018 10:36

He's acting like a spoiled brat! Tell him you're taking him for a birthday treat and drop him at soft play if he wants to act like a child. What does he do for your birthday?

RangeRider · 28/09/2018 10:36

This morning he announced he thinks we should go ‘as a family’ tonight instead
It all seems to be a test - either to see if you're all putting him first OR setting himself up to lose so that he can wallow in self-pity and say to himself 'I knew it would go wong'. If he's not like this the rest of the year then I'd wonder if he had a really crap birthday once that has screwed his head and he's now always expecting to be let down (though I'd expect that to be visible in other areas during the year too). And if he is like that the rest of the year...... Either way you need a serious conversation with him to point out that everyone has tried hard to get it right and yet he picks faults with it all.

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 28/09/2018 10:36

All those birthdays and yet he has utterly failed to grow up. What a brat.

newhousenewstart · 28/09/2018 10:38

Adults who make a big thing out of Birthdays make me cringe. I’m sorry to say reading this all I could do was breathe a huge sigh of relief that I’m not married to your DH
How bloody rude childish and ungrateful

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 10:38

I feel a bit sorry for him. If he comes from a family where there are lots of surprises or gestures then maybe it feels a bit meh to have presents and a cake and he'd rather do an activity together. If you didn't buy him much to open at all (say, no £ jeans but just a bottle of his favourite drink or chocolate etc) but instead had for example filled his car with balloons or took a surprise lunch to his office would he still react the same? He's telling you he doesn't feel loved. I'm not saying he's right (at all!) just that's what I think he's saying.

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 10:40

At the same time I'd be feeling fed up of it if this happens every year no matter what effort you make!

MadeForThis · 28/09/2018 10:42

Let him sulk.

Dinner won't be fun now anyway.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/09/2018 10:45

Does he expect a 21 gun salute or a civic parade as well...?
I'm sorry, he sounds hard work. What did he arrange for your birthday this year?

Seniorschoolmum · 28/09/2018 10:46

What a man child! How on earth do you put up with that?

Explain to him that dinner won’t be any fun because of his martyred attitude and maybe if he wants people to party with him, he could try being a bit more positive & more grateful.

EK36 · 28/09/2018 10:51

So what sorts of things does he plan for your birthday?

forbiddenfruitcrumble · 28/09/2018 10:51

Yeah, what does he do for your birthday?

What a fucking baby.

wafflyversatile · 28/09/2018 10:52

I feel a bit sorry for him. If he comes from a family where there are lots of surprises or gestures then maybe it feels a bit meh to have presents and a cake and he'd rather do an activity together. If you didn't buy him much to open at all (say, no £ jeans but just a bottle of his favourite drink or chocolate etc) but instead had for example filled his car with balloons or took a surprise lunch to his office would he still react the same? He's telling you he doesn't feel loved. I'm not saying he's right (at all!) just that's what I think he's saying.

This could be the case. Different people show love in different ways. The questions I would ask then is what does he do for the OP's birthday, and for their DC's birthdays? What is he like the rest of the year, ie does he buy people little thoughtful presents, surprises, treats? Does he arrange days out that others in the family like to do? Does he go to a special effort over his own family.

Being snide about his gifts is massively rude either way.

wafflyversatile · 28/09/2018 10:52

And most importantly is this an annual sulk or does he sulk a lot day to day? How does he behave generally?

Hogtini · 28/09/2018 10:53

Good lord. I wouldn't want to celebrate the birth of this manchild in any fashion!!!

CripsSandwiches · 28/09/2018 10:54

As PP have asked what does he do for other people's birthdays? The thing is though even if he's great at arranging other people's birthdays nobody is going to want to arrange something amazing for him when it's always going to be met with sulking and disappointment.

Original poster
AnAngryRegular · 28/09/2018 10:57

For my birthday I mentioned (well in advance) a specific event I'd like to attend with some of our other friends and he booked it and a taxi. It didn't take a huge amount of thought or effort on his part.

I think there ARE probably deep-rooted emotions tied up in this behaviour somewhere. He is very much the spoilt son in his family and I expect his mother fussed a lot over him. I think he also dislikes birthdays as they remind him of his own mortality and he doesn't like that he's getting old. He has been particularly grumpy this week since DS went to uni - I think he is jealous and wistful of his own lost youth Grin But it's no excuse, and he's been quite grumpy and unreasonable about a lot of things recently and I've just had enough.
This week he was complaining because there 'wasn't enough food in the fridge' (I'd run stocks down while we were away over the weekend) and 'what had I been doing all day?'

Attila -"What do you get out of this relationship now?" A question I seem to have been asking myself more frequently recently Sad

OP posts: