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Original poster

DH is sulking about his birthday

86 replies

AnAngryRegular · 28/09/2018 10:16

DH is sulking about his birthday.

This seems to happen ever year and I am sooo fed up of it. He seems to have massive expectations of what should happen for his birthday and uses it as a means to ‘test’ the family Angry.
I know his family paid more attentions to birthdays (lots of presents, big family meals out etc) and mine were much more measured (cards, presents and a cake at teatime, unless a ‘big’ one like 21, 30, 40, etc in which case a party)

As a result, I find myself getting really anxious in the run up to his birthday as nothing we do ever seems to measure up. He will never suggest anything and expects us to automatically ‘know’ exactly what he wants.
In the past I’ve arranged trips and nice meals out on his birthday.
This year things have been really busy. Our eldest started uni last weekend so we were away dropping off, and I was really busy helping him.
Knowing DS1 wouldn’t be here I made sure he left a card and present here for DH. DD & I also discussed DH’s birthday and we agreed a couple of little presents which could be ordered from Amazon/which I could pick up in town (as I was going anyway).
In the absence of any suggestions I decided to buy DH a pair of jeans the same size and style (but different colour) as a pair he has and really likes – a well-known brand, which cost £90!
This morning DH was really ‘off’ over breakfast. He opened his presents, asked DD “did you buy this yourself?” (the implication being that she didn’t, as he knew she hadn’t been to town recently) and about the jeans the first thing he said was “where did you buy these?” (as if they were a dodgy knock off pair from ebay!)
Yesterday he announced he was taking the day off work for his birthday, so I cancelled my Friday plans (exercise class, meet up with friend)and suggested we go out for lunch. I’ve also arranged for DS1 to videocall later to wish DH happy birthday.
This morning he announced he thinks we should go ‘as a family’ tonight instead, at which point DD says but she’s already arranged to meet her boyfriend tonight. DH then says “well I’ll leave you to think about what the right decision to make is..” Shock

DD has gone to school almost in tears and I don’t want to spend any of the day with the grumpy git!
Angry

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 11:00

Makes more sense now. He's generally unhappy in the relationship and feeling unloved and unappreciated, as are you by the sounds of it. Time to talk and think about improving it together?

wafflyversatile · 28/09/2018 11:04

Generally unhappy, it seems.

Maybe do that thing we all hate doing. Sit down and talk to him. Be clear about what sympathy you might have, how he seems to you, how it's affecting others not just him, how you feel etc.

Original poster
AnAngryRegular · 28/09/2018 11:06

No - he isn't great at the DC's birthdays or Christmas - tends to leave it all to me! But he is better at organising things for his siblings/parents.
I've always felt we took second place to be honest. One classic example was on Mother's Day six weeks after my own mother had died he left me at home with two toddlers, 3 and 1, while he went to a family birthday meal 150 miles away. Somehow I let myself be convinced that it was going to be 'too disruptive' to take our kids, and only him and his siblings (none of whom had kids) were going.
Whenever I think back to this I get more Shock at how I let him get away with it. I ended up in floods of tears on my own on Mother's Day morning and thankfully a good friend came over and cooked me lunch.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 28/09/2018 11:07

He wants everyone running round him like his mother did, the big fat narcissistic baby.

For an adult his attitude is embarrassing and undignified.

The right decision for your DD is to see her bf, or invite him along.

MellowerYellow · 28/09/2018 11:07

He sounds ridiculous.

viques · 28/09/2018 11:09

So what are the rest of his family doing to celebrate his special day? did they overwhelm him with Skype calls this morning? HAs the postman complained about the sack of goodies he had to deliver from his loving siblings and parents?

If he was a ten year old moaning like his about his birthday you would be dropping on him like a ton of bricks, just because he is only acting like a ten year old is no reason for him to dodge the brick treatment. Tell him he is entitled, ungrateful, selfish and spoiling the day for everyone, then disconnect the wifi and send him up to his room.

overnightangel · 28/09/2018 11:12

How old is this man child/brat/selfish tosser?

wafflyversatile · 28/09/2018 11:17

He's sounding less and less appealing with every post tbh.

EK36 · 28/09/2018 11:19

I honestly think he's behaving like a self entitled dick. His behaviour and ungratefulness would put me off making a grand gesture. If it were me I'd scale back to a simple card & present from the family. With a cake at tea time for who ever can make it! Your husband is not a king nor a child!!!

Original poster
AnAngryRegular · 28/09/2018 11:20

He's in his 50's ! Unbelievable, eh?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/09/2018 11:20

Christ alive, what a baby.

This week he was complaining because there 'wasn't enough food in the fridge' (I'd run stocks down while we were away over the weekend) and 'what had I been doing all day?

So what's stopping him from going to the supermarket?

One classic example was on Mother's Day six weeks after my own mother had died he left me at home with two toddlers, 3 and 1, while he went to a family birthday meal 150 miles away.

OMG this gets worse and worse. He sounds like a completely self-absorbed narcissistic twat.

Does he have ANY redeeming qualities? And please don't come back with 'he's a great dad' - he made your DD cry this morning.

DarkDarkNight · 28/09/2018 11:20

That sounds really hard work. I don’t know any adults who expect a big fuss for birthdays.

If he made a huge fuss for you and your kids on your birthdays and you weren’t reciprocating he may have a reason to be upset, but that’s not really the case.

I feel sorry for your kids as that’s a lot of pressure. My parents wouldn’t mind if they just got a card, or it was a bit late. He should be making a fuss over his kids not the other way around.

SD1978 · 28/09/2018 11:24

Most of what he's done/Sadi and attitude is pathetic. But wanting a meal with his family, on his birthday, that part is t a big ask. Can your daughter really not manage one night without her boyfriend, to have dinner for her dads birthday?

amusedbush · 28/09/2018 11:26

He sounds like a fucking ridiculous excuse for a human, and I couldn't put up with that level of self-entitled dickishness. If nothing you do is ever good enough then do nothing.

Sparklyfee · 28/09/2018 11:26

I don't think the meal is a big ask either. Your daughter can see her boyfriend on Saturday.

MellowerYellow · 28/09/2018 11:29

Can your daughter really not manage one night without her boyfriend, to have dinner for her dads birthday?

The question is really,
Can your daughter really manage one night putting up with her dads manchild behaviour, or would she rather spend the evening with her boyfriend?

TonnoEMaionese · 28/09/2018 11:31

At first, I thought that he sounded a lot like my DP - who also has the requirement that a birthday present should be something he overwhelmingly desires, but has never mentioned, and still talks about the time he was given some polo shirts for his birthday (that he liked, and wore, and had wanted, but he considered too practical to be a good present).

I have achieved the ultimate present I think twice in the time I've been with him (15 years).

But whilst he does talk about how hard done by he is, he doesn't sulk, he doesn't emotionally blackmail the kids (me a touch, but I don't take it) - he's a stage lighter. And given he's forgotten my birthday more than once, and doesn't plan anything for the kids he also has enough self-awareness to realise he doesn't have a leg to stand on - he does still try though, and I have to point this out, and he doesn't hold that I stand firm on this against me, so I don't feel like it's going to poison the relationship.

OP. I don't know what you can do here - what happens if you just ignore it and point this stuff out? What do you want to happen? Or is a rant here enough at the moment?

TomHardysNextWife · 28/09/2018 11:32

He sounds like hard work OP. There is no way you are ever going to meet his expectations........ which leads to the question why do you even try?

ciderhouserules · 28/09/2018 11:32

Knowing DS1 wouldn’t be here I made sure he left a card and present here for DH - OP, you say he is the 'spoilt child' in his family; you are picking up where they left off. You 'made sure' that your son (who is presumably at least 18) left a card and present for his father? Why? Does your son want to leave a card? What happens (to HIM) if he doesn't?

Haven't you had enough of this? Stop treating this twat as the King of all he surveys and more like an adult who has to live in the real world, where his children come first (not him) and birthday presents are given with love, not force and intimidation.

madeoficecream · 28/09/2018 11:37

wow!
And this is a grown man... my god!
He sounds like a 5yo child

Original poster
AnAngryRegular · 28/09/2018 11:37

Yes, of course DD could rearrange (except that her boyfriend is going with his family to drop off his sister at uni on Saturday). However th bit that annoys me is that we've been asking him what he wanted to do, and I thought we'd agreed a lunch out for him and I but then he changes his mind, throws a strop and expects everyone to cancel their own plans to accommodate him. I'm then left picking up the pieces and smoothing over the emotions. So I've now managed to book a restaurant for an early sitting so DD can see the boyfriend afterward, but as a result I've had to rearrange the skype call with DS!
Grr...

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 11:39

OP are you planning on addressing the issues in your relationship going on underneath this latest gripe? You are both unhappy.

HugoBearsMummy · 28/09/2018 11:41

If my DH treated me like that on his birthday, one I would not have married the ungrateful git anyway but two it would have been the last time I ever did anything thoughtful for him or buy him a gift, can not stand ungratefulness. Take the £90 pair of jeans back to the shop for refund and spend the money on yourself!

Original poster
AnAngryRegular · 28/09/2018 11:42

ciderhouse - yes, my son would want to leave a card and a present, but when I said "I made sure" I meant I reminded him to do it, as I think there's a chance he might have forgotten in the excitement of going to Uni. Normally he would just do it himself though.
I have been determined not to raise my son like MIL did DH. In fact DS has already commented that he is shocked at how 'unselfsufficient' (his word) many of his flatmates are, so hopefully I have achieved some modicum of success.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/09/2018 11:42

“well I’ll leave you to think about what the right decision to make is..”
The right decision is obviously to stick to her promises. Or is he trying to teach her that you can just change your plans at the last minute irrespective of any inconvenience to others? The same as he does?