Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is sulking about his birthday

86 replies

AnAngryRegular · 28/09/2018 10:16

DH is sulking about his birthday.

This seems to happen ever year and I am sooo fed up of it. He seems to have massive expectations of what should happen for his birthday and uses it as a means to ‘test’ the family Angry.
I know his family paid more attentions to birthdays (lots of presents, big family meals out etc) and mine were much more measured (cards, presents and a cake at teatime, unless a ‘big’ one like 21, 30, 40, etc in which case a party)

As a result, I find myself getting really anxious in the run up to his birthday as nothing we do ever seems to measure up. He will never suggest anything and expects us to automatically ‘know’ exactly what he wants.
In the past I’ve arranged trips and nice meals out on his birthday.
This year things have been really busy. Our eldest started uni last weekend so we were away dropping off, and I was really busy helping him.
Knowing DS1 wouldn’t be here I made sure he left a card and present here for DH. DD & I also discussed DH’s birthday and we agreed a couple of little presents which could be ordered from Amazon/which I could pick up in town (as I was going anyway).
In the absence of any suggestions I decided to buy DH a pair of jeans the same size and style (but different colour) as a pair he has and really likes – a well-known brand, which cost £90!
This morning DH was really ‘off’ over breakfast. He opened his presents, asked DD “did you buy this yourself?” (the implication being that she didn’t, as he knew she hadn’t been to town recently) and about the jeans the first thing he said was “where did you buy these?” (as if they were a dodgy knock off pair from ebay!)
Yesterday he announced he was taking the day off work for his birthday, so I cancelled my Friday plans (exercise class, meet up with friend)and suggested we go out for lunch. I’ve also arranged for DS1 to videocall later to wish DH happy birthday.
This morning he announced he thinks we should go ‘as a family’ tonight instead, at which point DD says but she’s already arranged to meet her boyfriend tonight. DH then says “well I’ll leave you to think about what the right decision to make is..” Shock

DD has gone to school almost in tears and I don’t want to spend any of the day with the grumpy git!
Angry

OP posts:
LydiaLunch7 · 28/09/2018 11:44

As you typed this OP out, did it not make you think "this is not normal".

This is one of those threads on here where I don't know what advice to give because the OH just sounds awful. I don't know what I'd do in a situation like this because I'd never be with someone like this in the first place. I certainly wouldn't be pandering to this kind of nonsense every year.

Peridot1 · 28/09/2018 11:45

Why on earth did you give in? Seriously! You are enabling his shitty spoilt behaviour.

I would have told him you planned the day based on previous discussions WITH HIM and to grow the fuck up. World doesn’t revolve around him Birthday or no birthday and he is an ungrateful shit.

Then I would go out for the day and leave him to stew.

Seriously you would let a child away with this behaviour. And you are setting your dd up to model her relationships on yours. And not in a good way.

You are not even going to have a nice dinner out with the atmosphere.

mummmy2017 · 28/09/2018 11:45

Use his own weapons against him.
Tell him you can't decide what you want for Xmas or birthday but you know he is going to go out of his way to make sure it's the most amazing gift as you know he equates love with the amount of effort put into the gift.
Do. Not give him any ideas at all.
Tell him you wanted tonight to be for you both, and that with your DC going to uni and the other having a boyfriend you feel this is the point to start this change
If he tries the guilt trick on your child use it back on him, about how you wanted a meal and romantic walk, or cinema today...
Remind him about your high expectations for everyones gift he will be buying this year for Xmas, how you KNOW he will be wanting to buy them himself over the display he put on this morning and how guilty you feel for always taking the lead and spending the gift budget for Xmas...
Naughty... But you can hold this over his head for a few months. And use it to readjust his gift giving attitude.

Peridot1 · 28/09/2018 11:46

You would NOT let a child get away with this behaviour.

ciderhouserules · 28/09/2018 11:46

So 'you've' rearranged the meal, the Skype, the relationship with your DD, the smoothing of emotions... Are you expecting Thanks for this? I'd be fully expecting his mind to change again such that he can't possible eat early, or he'll be annoyed that DD hasn't sufficiently put him first.

Honestly - what are you allowing this 'man' to do to your children? They are forced to pander to him even when they have got away to Uni. They are not allowed to have a life in the days around his birthday - they have to be available to Skype their profound and heart-felt love and wishes, and to rearrange their own relationship to suit him.

FFS, stop doing it! It will NEVER be enough!

And it will damage your dc, and their relationship with him

ciderhouserules · 28/09/2018 11:48

What is he like the rest of the year?

(I'm willing to bet he's just as entitled and spoilt as any other time)

LydiaLunch7 · 28/09/2018 11:52

Can your daughter really not manage one night without her boyfriend, to have dinner for her dads birthday?

Having read the OP, I'm not surprised she'd rather spend the evening with someone else rather than her dad.

PeakedTooEarly · 28/09/2018 11:52

You are doing an awful lot of facilitating OP. Perhaps stop. People will see his behaviour and it's consequences in it's raw form then and can form their own opinions.
I would stop other things too though in your shoes. I would stop being in the same marriage for a start! I would then celebrate his birthday every year by putting my feet up with a glass of Armagnac and a good book with my fingers in a V holding said book up. I am a child though but not enough of a child to give a monkeys about how my birthday is celebreated

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2018 11:54

I was going to write what CiderHouse Rules did; you are still paddling furiously beneath the surface here to placate and otherwise service his black hole of emotional needs. Your children are also being expected to change their plans to suit their dad's emotional wants. Who died and made him king?.

I think you really do need to give that question I posed of you earlier a lot more thought.

ravenmum · 28/09/2018 11:55

You are tiptoeing around him afraid of his implied criticism. But why are you afraid of it? Have you tried addressing it directly? E.g. "Where did you get these" -- > "I got them from X; why do you ask?" then specifically asking "Were you wondering how much money I spent? Do you equate the cost of the jeans with how much I love you? Why?" If he protests that "of course not", ask if he sees why you might feel that way. Passive aggressive criticism does not work when the non-passive, direct ideas behind it are revealed.

My ex's answer to such questions would be to accuse me of reading too much into what he had said. After more than 20 years with him I'm now with someone who does not play games. Who just says what he wants. I no longer constantly feel like a bad person.

SilverBirchTree · 28/09/2018 11:55

What a man child...

I'd be raising this with him after the birthday has passed. Ask him what he thinks of his own behaviour.

SoupDragon · 28/09/2018 11:56

These answers are almost the complete opposite to those a poster gets when she is disappointed with the efforts made on her birthday.

winegal · 28/09/2018 11:58

If my niece threw a strop and was so ungrateful to people giving her presents she would quite rightly be properly told off, and she's 3.

serbska · 28/09/2018 11:58

He wants everyone running round him like his mother did, the big fat narcissistic baby.

Yup.

Its a power play to unsettle you all and show you who is in control.

Is the rest of the relationship OK? Probably this is tip of the iceberg stuff...

Peridot1 · 28/09/2018 11:59

In some cases Soupy. But that is generally when zero effort has been made. I have seem many instances of posters being told off on here for spoilt reactions too.

ravenmum · 28/09/2018 12:00

SoupDragon - depends on what she is complaining about, surely! If she was complaining about her family not frantically running round trying to live up to her whims it's a lot different to someone saying "My dh bought me a pot of Marmite for my birthday".

villainousbroodmare · 28/09/2018 12:00

He's horrible. You seem lovely. I think it's time for my first LTB. Really.

cakecakecheese · 28/09/2018 12:03

These answers are almost the complete opposite to those a poster gets when she is disappointed with the efforts made on her birthday.

Hmm If someone is acting like a brat they'll get told they're acting like a brat. If someone is upset because they didn't even get a card and chocolates they'll get sympathy. In this case the OP seems to be doing her best to pander to her husband who doesn't seem in the least bit grateful for anything.

OP at some point he'll need to be told that if he keeps behaving like this next year's birthday is cancelled.

cakecakecheese · 28/09/2018 12:04

If my niece threw a strop and was so ungrateful to people giving her presents she would quite rightly be properly told off, and she's 3.

This.

tinytemper66 · 28/09/2018 12:07

I would let him sulk all day and go out with my friends instead of the child he is. Let him wallow and do not enable him re his birthday and presents.

PhilomenaButterfly · 28/09/2018 12:09

It's not okay for him to make your DD cry. He's acting like my 7yo, and if he did that he wouldn't get a birthday, his presents would go back and lunch would be cancelled.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/09/2018 12:10

I may be wrong here, but I don't think you'll ever be able to please him. He could have been the subject of the famous song by the late great Chas and (thankfully still with us) Dave.

He sounds like the kind of spoilt toddler who, if you presented him with the Moon on a stick, he'd be sobbing bitterly because he would have preferred Venus - AND IF YOU LOVED HIM, YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT....

Whisky2014 · 28/09/2018 12:19

I wouldn't have changed the lunch to a dinner. Your daughter made plans why should she have to cancel just cause your husband wants some fan fair. Fuck sake.
I knew youd say he is crap with birthday and xmas. So why does he think its ok to make 0 effort but expext lots from everyone else?
In his 50s you say? Jesus christ.
If his mum had died would he have minded if you travelled 150 miles away leaving him behind? Or woukd he have made you feel shit?

I come from a childhood of having loads of fuss made for birthdays, expensive gifts, surprises, trips away. Christmas time i always got a huge sack of gifts. Now we do secret santa in the family so 1 gift each and birthdays are a little more restrained. I loved opening huge piles of gifts and now i get 1 or 2 at birthday gifts. Thats just what happens and its still nice! He needs to grow up and out of his childhood expectations.

Butterflycookie · 28/09/2018 12:26

Is he equally as disappointed at Christmas? If he arranged nice things for your birthday I would Understand why he would be upset. But seeing as he doesn’t then that’s surprising.

Hopoindown31 · 28/09/2018 12:51

Why not actually organise something special in advance next time? Although you've given more details in follow on posts your OP tells us that your DH is someone who likes a fuss on his birthday and that you haven't made the fuss so he is making the fuss for himself with childish behaviour (not on, but definitely a response).

I think you both need to have a serious talk but don't go into that talk with the fire of righteous indignation as some on this thread would want you to. Recognise that if something is important to your DH you should take to a bit more seriously before you call out his behaviour.