Help me understand why I can't find a girlfriend?

[Dan89]

Maybe a bit self-pitying, but hear we go:

Five years single. Not a sniff of anything in that time. One relationship that lasted 7 years (probably went on 2 years longer than it should have). Not a sniff before that, either.

In the past 5 years I have been concentrating on building my career, but I have been in female-dominated environments all that time. A lot of the women I meet have been in relationships. I have been through uni, gone to evening classes, sports classes and had a reasonably active social life in that time. I have made many female friends, can make a lot of women laugh, but if I try to ask anyone out, they look at me like I've just run over their cat.

In the past few months I've tried OLD for the first time. I hate having my picture taken, but the ones I've put up are even in my opinion, pretty decent and show me off in a good light. I have had one conversation on Bumble in two months. I have had about 3-4 matches on Tinder, but zero conversations. The matches I do get tend to be women several years older than me and not what I am looking for at all. On POF, I managed to get talking to a few girls, but I don't think I have gone beyond 3 messages with anyone.

Are some people just not meant for relationships?

How old are you? What do friends and family say? When you ask women out is it ‘cold’ or do you get to know them? We need more information.

On Tinder, you only match with someone if you swipe right on them - so I would have to ask why you're doing that with women you're not interested in? From the other side, it's really infuriating when you match with someone and then they don't reply when you message them.

As to the rest, it's difficult to advise you without knowing what sort of messages you're sending - and what your profile is like. If you're letting on in any way that you're not having any luck and/or you're feeling desperate, it will be really offputting to anyone reading it. The key phrase to avoid, just in my opinion, is "Anyone on here genuine?" That just semaphores the fact that nobody is messaging you.

I would also advise you not to refer to grown women as girls unless you'd be happy to be referred to as a boy.

What sort of opening gambit are you sending when you write a first message to someone?

What sort of things do you talk about? In your picture, are you smiling? Do you suggest talking over the phone rather than meeting up?
Who are you looking at? Men on OLD seem to focus on women 15 years younger then them and that probably doesn’t help.

Yes, I just came back to add something about the age thing. When you say "older women", what do you mean? Are they older than you or just older than the age range you've specified? I am assuming 89 refers to your birth year and that you're 29. Are you limiting your options by insisting on significantly younger partners?

What do you put on your profile/on the messages you send?

"On Tinder, you only match with someone if you swipe right on them - so I would have to ask why you're doing that with women you're not interested in? From the other side, it's really infuriating when you match with someone and then they don't reply when you message them."

About this - when you get a right swipe from somewhere else, you can see a pixellated version of their main pic on your match queue. Normally that person shows up pretty quickly when you're swiping, so it's relatively easy to work out who it is who's swiped you.

I'm 34. My pics all show my smiling. Main one is a new one of me in a restaurant in smart/casual attire. Second is me in a blazer and white polo celebrating the end of my course (I am the only one in the pic). Third is me walking on the beach (full length shot). Fourth is a selfie with my new cat. My profile on Tinder/Bumble is quite short and sweet but when I was on POF it was more descriptive. A few people on here gave me advice and the consensus was it wasn't too bad a profile. I ran out of people I wanted to message on POF, so I came off.

I've tried all sorts of opening messages: commenting/asking a question about something from their bio/pictures, asking a random question in an attempt to generate humour, short messages, long messages...

OK. I mean, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong, but you just haven't been lucky in approaching someone who likes you back. It's not fun but you just have to keep trying. Have you considered one of the sites that charge membership? It sounds like you're using the free ones, which I think tend to be used by people who are less serious about getting into a proper conversation.

You still haven't said what sort of women you're approaching. OLD can be pretty brutal and you do have to be realistic in your expectations. I don't know what you look like, obviously, but I can use myself as an example! As an overweight woman who's nearly 40, I wouldn't be approaching fit young things in their 20s and I would likely be suspicious and think it was a scam if any such men messaged me. And while I would prefer a man near my own age, I wouldn't rule out an older man if he seemed like a good match in other ways.

I don't mean to offend but are you physically fit? Ie not significantly overweight? At 34, not married, no kids, you should have plenty of choice of available women. Is there maybe something about you that you think might stand out not in the best perceived way?

All this sounds horrible, please forgive me, i am sure you are lovely. I am just surprised you have trouble dating and genuinely trying to be of help.

Are you actually going out on dates? Meeting up early on in the process is the way to go. I used to be a personal matchmaker and lack of confidence was a big barrier.

I would focus on volunteering and those sports clubs. Which sports, btw? Running is an obvious good one due to lots of women and actually being able to talk while you do it. Tennis is popular with lots of women and is sociable. Triathletes are all gorgeous though i don't know many female triathletes who are single. If it's football, what about helping to coach a women's team, though maybe don't plop too obviously on their doorstep.

What about a choir? All desperate for more men. Book club? The ones based in bookshops tend to be biggest imo. Writing group? Art class? Regular yoga classes will have plenty of great women in them you can get to know. I hate yoga but enjoy my weekly class be ause of the people.

Just aim to meet and spend time with lots and lots of women. Basically aim to be out most evenings in a setting where you talk to a minimum of three women each night (obviously not different ones every week). Have lots of female friends. OLD is supposed to be a numbers game but it's much less depressing to do it this way.

This could almost have been written by my son! He's 34, in a good job, has his own house and car, is slim, nice-looking, no kids, not been married.

He's been on POF, and Match.com, and has done all the things you say you have, to meet a nice woman. It would seem that some women who have been interested in my son have either wanted children (he doesn't) or have already got kids. He's been on dates, gets on great with women at work, has a lot of friends, and now I think he's stopped looking - he said if he meets someone, that's nice, but if he doesn't, he's ok.

He lived with a much older woman a few years back - (I think he realised he'd been too young to be having cosy nights in then)and he left and got his own place.

Don't give up - go out with mates (male and female), go swimming, do a cookery class? Other places where women will be there but you'll fit in.

I think the thing to remember is that women get inundated with messages from men, most of them are idiots and she's trying to weed out the good ones- you have to do your best to stand out.

It's a numbers game unfortunately, I don't think you're doing anything wrong just not messaging the right girls.

On the plus side, my 37 yr old son met his current lady on Tinder (both have kids from previous relationships) and they have lived together now for about 3 years

I would strongly advise you against joining clubs or groups unless you're genuinely interested in whatever it is. I run a book group which is mainly attended by women and we're all there to discuss the book, not to be picked up. I'd take a pretty dim view if a man turned up and seemed like he was only there in the hope of meeting women.

By all means widen your social circle, get out and about and do things that you enjoy. It will make you more interesting and give you things to talk about. But think of the possibility of meeting women as a "nice if it happens" thing and not the main reason for doing it.

I think you sound like my friend's 33 year old younger brother. He's a lovely man, eligible in every way, and has never had a girlfriend. He's a bit short on confidence, and I think that one day he will meet exactly the right woman - and it will be worth the wait.

Is OLD is the way forward? - it's so impersonal, isn't it? So much pressure on looks. .

Although I love cats, and do respect a man who loves cats, a selfie with a cat is not great. A full-face picture (not selfie) with a lovely smile is what makes me check the profile.

Best of luck to you

I've taken the cat picture off now.

GraceMarks- it's for exactly that reason that I haven't done anything to join any more groups. I don't want to go and do something under false pretences.

Although my social life isn't the most hectic at the moment since relocating home from uni and starting work, I feel that I don't really want to keep making new 'friends'. It's a lack of emotional connection and physical affection that I feel the most. I've never thought that I'm particularly good looking, and I've rarely been called handsome. I know that looks aren't everything but I do think that maybe I'm not good looking enough to be attractive to a woman.

Plenty of women aren't goodlooking per se so there's no reason for far to be an issue. Plus - the most unattractive guys have partners. Many women are not fussy about looks at all, they just want someone who's not an arsehole.

I was OLD for years, with different degrees of success. Thinking about it, I do actually think it’s harder for blokes.

To start with, there’s a lot an average woman can do to make herself look better in photos. The right hair, make up, filter...and boom...you’ve got a hotty right there. Men don’t have those options.

Secondly, I believe that women do expect to be chased. So it’s easier for them because they already know who is interested, rather than having to put themselves out there and make the first move.

It really is a numbers game, and it can get quite soul destroying. I met my current bf in real life and I’m far happier than with anyone I met OLD.

Sorry, no real advice there.

Shambu, I like to think I am not an arsehole, at least. And I totally agree that not being conventionally good looking is not enough to prevent people finding a partner, but I still don't get any right swipes!

I get the usual platitudes from the people I have opened up to about this, "you'll find someone", etc... The most cutting remark was "if that guy can get a girlfriend, so can you"

I've often thought I could do with a mentor to help guide me through the world of dating, but all my friends are in relationships.

Hey Dan,

Post is very similar to mine from last week and I know you posted on that. As you know I am in the same boat although a few years older than you.

Following my post I have pretty much decided to take a break from online dating for the foreseeable future. I'm going to have therapy to try and address my confidence and self esteem issues but I'm not convinced that will help long term as I essentially don't know how to date and think it might be too late to learn.

I may give up looking altogether to be perfectly honest. Some people say that it comes along when you least expect it which I hope to be true but I think that might just be a cliche saying to make you feel better. I have met plenty of good guys in their 30s, 40's and 50's who do seem to go through life alone so know it's not as uncommon as you might think.

like to think I am not an arsehole, at least

Well then you're in. And tbh even if you were an arsehole you'd still be in because some women have low expectations of men as these relationship boards can attest.

Ever thought of experimenting and batting for the other side for a while? Grindr is a great resource for gay hookups- and blokes being blokes (horny)it won't take you long to find someone

I think you sound very 'wholesome' - and that's neant nicely! Forgive me if I'm wrong, it's just an impression I get from your language, how you've described your photographs and your 'attire', your cat etc.

It's not a bad thing but I don't think Tinder, bumble and POF are the right sites for you. Most people looking on those sites for men in that age group, still see a lot of 'laddy' profiles. IMO, that's why you're getting interest from older women.

I am sure you are nicer looking than you think you are, but nevertheless, on the apps especially, people tend to judge by appearance much more.

I think you are better off on paid sites, with women who are as invested as you are and will take the time to read a decent length profile that can do you justice.

Need an online dating section on here!