Help me understand why I can't find a girlfriend?

[Dan89]

Maybe a bit self-pitying, but hear we go:

Five years single. Not a sniff of anything in that time. One relationship that lasted 7 years (probably went on 2 years longer than it should have). Not a sniff before that, either.

In the past 5 years I have been concentrating on building my career, but I have been in female-dominated environments all that time. A lot of the women I meet have been in relationships. I have been through uni, gone to evening classes, sports classes and had a reasonably active social life in that time. I have made many female friends, can make a lot of women laugh, but if I try to ask anyone out, they look at me like I've just run over their cat.

In the past few months I've tried OLD for the first time. I hate having my picture taken, but the ones I've put up are even in my opinion, pretty decent and show me off in a good light. I have had one conversation on Bumble in two months. I have had about 3-4 matches on Tinder, but zero conversations. The matches I do get tend to be women several years older than me and not what I am looking for at all. On POF, I managed to get talking to a few girls, but I don't think I have gone beyond 3 messages with anyone.

Are some people just not meant for relationships?

If I were you, I'd change that lower age back to 28. A lot of women in their 30s will look at a man who appears to be interested in women 10 years (or more) younger than them and think 'Well, he won't be interested in me then'. I think if you went 28-39 it would seem better to women who might look at your profile.

Also, why don't you try having coffee with one of the women in cocktail dresses? What will it hurt? At the worst you'll confirm your feelings and at the best you'll find someone worth knowing.

And your remark about your mother 'disapproving' of women with children is a bit of an eyebrow raiser. Unless of course you yourself prefer to date/marry a woman with no children (which is fine by the way). If you truly believe that your mother would have problems accepting step-grandchildren then you need to bear that in mind when you get involved with someone. That type of situation can lead to much heartache, especially for the children involved.

Sorry I've raised so many eyebrows.

Can I turn this around a bit and ask you as women what makes you swipe right and what makes you swipe left?

Similarly, what do guys do in real life that gets your attention?

Are you taking in anything people are saying/suggesting, Dan? Rather than asking for more advice, you might do better to re-read what you already have. If people feel you are ignoring their suggestions, they are not going to want to spend more time helping you out.

Why don’t you just try what posters have suggested?

Right, ok. Will do.

What do guys do that gets my attention?

They listen to what I say. They treat me as a person. They notice things about me and don't just treat me as 'woman' and assume I will like 'woman things'. They don't patronise or mansplain things to me. They show genuine interest in what I do and things I like. They are polite and chatty and friendly. They share things that are interesting about themselves and don't expect me to do all the work.

I'd say that would work the other way round too, that's how I treat people and I think it works quite well in general.

6 foot in kitten heels? I’m sorry but I couldn’t go out with a man who wears heels

OLD is literally full of mediocre men that think they're hilarious and/or original. They are not.
Set your age parameters appropriately and actually read what the posters have been saying. Your last post implies you want soneone to write your bio for you. Women are sick of men expecting emotional labour from them, so stop expecting it

Why on earth would your mum raise an eyebrow if you introduced her to a woman
of 39 with kids? You're 34! You sound like you still believe you're a twenty something. 39 is only 5 years older than you...tiny age gap and the majority of women have had at least one child by 39.

Just like you think you look young for your age, there are many women who do too. Your age parameters should really be the same gap for older than you as you're putting younger than you. So, 29-39 (+/- 5 yrs) or 26-42 (+- 8yrs).

Of course you can set any parameters you like. I'm only criticising your fussiness because you're complaining you're not meeting anyone. And your ruling them out because of cocktail dress pics is bizarre....that might have been taken at their one posh do in a year.

Broaden your horizons and you will find someone, I promise.

What do you mean by kitten heels? Do you cross-dress? (Sorry if I missed this somewhere in the thread!)

@ChateauRouge
I may be wrong presumed the 'kitten heels' was a joke?

Hi Dan,
I met my DP on OLD, but prior to that I only had friendly/ frankly bizarre conversations.
I didn't put up a profile pic. I'm relatively photogenic, so didn't want that to be the basis of anyone's judgement. Disappointment is not good!
I made sure my profile represented my humour, because it's very important to me.
I messaged a few people who seemed like 'my type', then sent them photos if we 'clicked'.
Most seemed flaky, or just interested in a shag. I was polite, but nothing more.
DP appeared, and was unconventionally gorgeous. His profile made me laugh loudly.
I sent him a shirt, but ridiculous message. He bit after a few days.
We messaged a lot. Both sent photos. Phoned one another, and ended up having several 'telephone dates' where we would watch the same film, in our own homes!
We both had children to consider.
The first 'proper date' was frightening. We were already very attached, and nothing changed. I'm ashamed to say that I made breakfast!
3.5 years later, we are all living as a family. Life can be challenging, but he's the same great guy I met.

Everyone has a different taste.
Be as 'you' as possible. Bugger social niceties. My DP was honest, and I was also myself. No professional profile writing.
So many people write what they think will work. Huge mistake. Be you, because people fall in love with people.

Ah! oops....

I know nothing about OLD so can't help yopu there. But there's no reason you can';t meet someone in real life. My instinct is that you are so focused on 'getting a girlfriend' that women notice this. It's a massive turn off. People like to be appreciated for their individuality, to be really seen for who they are, not just assessed for whether they pass your tick-box spec on what a prospective girlfriend should look like.

My advice would be to mix with as many women of the right age as you can, focusing on just confidently treating them as fellow human beings, not scouting for a girlfriend. Be 100% yourself - good and bad sides on show. People are at their most attractive when they are confidently happy being who they really are. Probably what's putting people off is that they can sense you thinking, 'What's wrong with me?'

Personally, I'd put the picture of you and yoru cat back up online. That would attract me to a man, but I adore cats and trust men who do.

You asked what blokes to in real life that gets our attention. I can tell you.

I recently worked in an office that was heaving with tall, muscular handsome men. The bosses were both gay and they seemed to hire entirely on looks. These blokes swaggered around in their tight cycling shorts, stroking their chiselled jaws and tossing back their glossy hair, swilling energy drinks. On my team was a short, ordinary looking bloke (also fit but always changed out of the cycling shorts!) He was very grumpy. But he was also really good at his job, worked really hard and - this is key - absolutley valued the work of the women on our team - mentoring them, pushing them for promotions they deserved. He was the one we all found most attractive. Because he treated women like humans.
More recently I worked with three young men - one of whom was head-turningly gorgeous, the other two quite ordinary. But the 'ordinary' men both worked in their spare time on projects that help other people. And they both spoke so passionately about it and seemed so excited by the next stages of their work and the differences they could make. They were the men who were attractive, not the (also really lovely, sweet but self involved) professional sportsman who looked like a Hollywood actor.

No, I don't feel inclined to waste any more time giving you advice that you won't listen to because it's not what you were hoping to hear.

It would be pointless anyway. Women aren't the Borg. I could give you a long list of my preferences but there's no guarantee that those would appeal to any other woman, so that would only work if you were trying to date me personally. Which you wouldn't, because I'm one of those 39 year old crones that you have nothingin common with...

What do you mean by 'cocktail dresses'? I'm 28, socialise a lot and I don't think I've worn a cocktail dress since I last went to a wedding? Agree with what other posters are saying - people generally put photos up from when they look nice - which tends to be when they're dressed up and making an effort! 90% of the time I'm at work or at home in my jeans but there's not many photo opportunities to be had there!

Remember that what people post on their profile is just the best version of the self that they're trying to present and probably only a small reflection on their whole life.

Same re the cycling photos - I'm a runner and have a few running pictures as I look good in them and I'm trying to demonstrate that I have hobbies - I don't expect every guy I date to be into running.

Aside from that, have you considered that there's nothing wrong with you and that you just haven't met the right person yet? I'm on Tinder, I go on 1 or 2 dates per week and very rarely do I meet someone I really really like.

My advice is to be more open minded and get rid of this idea of what you think you're looking for and stop judging every woman on what you think your mum might think of them! I'm sure your mum would be happier if you were madly in love with a 40 year old woman with children than a 28 year old 'girl next door' that you only 'liked'.

GraceMarks women aren't the Borg !!!

I love it!!

Dan89 have you learned anything from this thread? I honestly hope so.

Well, you can either give people a chance now and again, even if they have non smiling selfies on their profile; or you can keep doing what you're doing now. Only that isn't getting you to find a relationship, is it? So you can stay single or try out what we're all telling you. You don't have anything to lose...

I'd never have given my DH a chance based on his photos or profile. We don't have the same hobbys. He's shy, I talk to everyone. We're both not photogenic. We do think alike and really like just being together and talking.

Profiles are just profiles, not the whole story people have to tell. I'll give you two profiles for example:

Profile 1: woman who wears colourful dresses. Always puts on make-up, even when no-one is there to see it. Enjoys sewing and reading. Used to live in interesting countries far away. Speaks three languages quite well. Bakes cookies for family members. Loves cooking.

Profile 2: woman who enjoys bladesmithing and goldsmithing. Is pretty proud of the last damascus steel knife she made. Goes swimming every morning and has set herself a goal to swim quicker and for longer. Likes riding a bicycle in the countryside. Hates shopping.

Same person. Me.

My thoughts on reading this.

OLD is partly a numbers game. Fact is men have to send a lot more messages and will often get no reply. You will need to send lots of messages, whilst also going to the effort of reading the profile and picking up things from the profile to include to show you have read the profile. It's a grind but so is getting 50m messages saying 'hey babe, UR hot' from sparsely populated profiles.

You're very articulate which is good. I was going to say, from this thread which perhaps isn't fair, that you seem a bit staid. More comments like 6' in kitten heels. Show your humour. When I did OLD little annoyed me more than someone telling me they had a GSOH but there being no evidence of that in their profile. Show, don't tell!

women on bikes/in cocktail dresses. This reminds me of being put off when men put in their profile 'hobbies....playing the guitar'. I don't want some bloke playing mediocre Oasis at me of an evening. But then I would remind myself that they have to fill out their profile somehow and they probably haven't picked up that guitar since Oasis were last in the charts.

Finally 'white polo and blazer'. Now obviously this is purely a matter of taste but, while there are a few men who can pull this off with aplomb I'm imagining someone either dressed by their mum or about 55 + years old. It's not what I expect 34 year olds to be wearing.

Sometimes it's not that there is something 'wrong'. It's (mostly) just luck.

Oh, also is okcupid still on the go?

Hi @Dan89
I did all the old stuff too and then found it a chore tbh. Plus the men I met didn't want to settle down, just wanted casual which I wasn't after!

I let my dp outside our local pub. It can just happen. But I did make a conscious effort for speak to people when out and about , he admits himself that he was too shy to speak first so I'm glad I did!

You just never know who's round the next corner. It's easy for me to say. I know

They listen to what I say. They treat me as a person. They notice things about me and don't just treat me as 'woman' and assume I will like 'woman things'. They don't patronise or mansplain things to me. They show genuine interest in what I do and things I like. They are polite and chatty and friendly. They share things that are interesting about themselves and don't expect me to do all the work.

This is the best advice.