Help me understand why I can't find a girlfriend?

[Dan89]

Maybe a bit self-pitying, but hear we go:

Five years single. Not a sniff of anything in that time. One relationship that lasted 7 years (probably went on 2 years longer than it should have). Not a sniff before that, either.

In the past 5 years I have been concentrating on building my career, but I have been in female-dominated environments all that time. A lot of the women I meet have been in relationships. I have been through uni, gone to evening classes, sports classes and had a reasonably active social life in that time. I have made many female friends, can make a lot of women laugh, but if I try to ask anyone out, they look at me like I've just run over their cat.

In the past few months I've tried OLD for the first time. I hate having my picture taken, but the ones I've put up are even in my opinion, pretty decent and show me off in a good light. I have had one conversation on Bumble in two months. I have had about 3-4 matches on Tinder, but zero conversations. The matches I do get tend to be women several years older than me and not what I am looking for at all. On POF, I managed to get talking to a few girls, but I don't think I have gone beyond 3 messages with anyone.

Are some people just not meant for relationships?

You're using black and white thinking in the way you reject people based on their profile pictures, which makes me think you might be using black and white thinking in other areas of life too - which can be very limiting.

Some other examples of B&W thinking could be:

"My last partner was older and it didn't work out - therefore I can never date anyone older than me again, because it won't work." (That's all women on the planet aged 36 and up written off right there, quite a big subsection of women)

"I haven't met anyone thus far so I never will and am flawed in some way, nobody will ever want me." - not true but gets you into a scarcity mindset which can be off-putting to women as they smell your neediness and inner gloom about yourself.

What happened with the two women you said you thought liked you in the past, but you turned out to be 'very wrong'? How did that play out? Do you think you're good at reading signals generally, and telling if a woman is interested? Are you good at telegraphing your own interest?

I agree about reading things into the photos. Taking and choosing photos for online dating is a pain in the arse, even for people happy to ask friends or family to help them with it.

And women are every bit as susceptible to advice like "Have one showing you doing something interesting to make you seem like you have lots of hobbies and friends".

It might pay to check whether they're really as sporty or social-butterfly as they appear. It might mean investing more time and energy, and therefore taking the whole thing more seriously and having to go on hiatus regularly to recover emotionally, but at least you'll know.

Agree that you shouldn’t reject women who are dressed up or cycling. You are rejecting a lot of possible dates there! I have pics of me dressed up on a night out and they are very rare these days!

Can you post your profile text for us to assess?
Another possibility - are you very short? It’s not fair but a lot of girls I know post their height parameters as quite tall.
You do sound lovely if perhaps a little serious.

PS. I do struggle with that myself, fwiw.

There are certain kinds of looks about people that I associate strongly with being rejected. Either directly, or tacitly, in the form of their comparative lack of interest in what I like doing, once we've got to know each other a bit. I find it takes a bit of work to put those associations aside. So I do understand.

You can be fairly direct about it, I think. A couple of sentences in your profile about how you like to spend your time, including the everyday ones you'd be doing most often, not just the ones you think sound most interesting. Adding "if any of that sounds like a good time to you, come and say hello" [that's probably not great wording, I'm not feeling inspired!].

And yes, add a photo or two featuring the kinds of setting and personal style that you'd like to see in a woman's pictures.

If you're after 'the girl next door' type then are you looking in the right place? You say you don't want a girl who cycles each weekend (girls who really like to keep fit) so you're maybe not likely to find 'your type' at the gym.

Think about what your ideal person would enjoy doing and go there to find them. Maybe I've got the wrong idea - but a book club maybe?

If you're looking for the old fashioned 'girl next door' person I imagining they would maybe be a bit quiet, rather the man made the first move and prefer to have built up a bit of friendship before becoming a couple - I'm not sure if this fits in with on-line dating tbh.

You also say you have female friends - they could you be the people able to give you the best advice as they know you. Any chance you could ask them and that they would feel comfortable enough to give you honest answers? On here, we're just guessing as we don't know you.

Good luck.

(Just my thoughts - no idea otherwise)

Yes, if guys post a pic of them up a mountain that usually interests me. I also like to see a picture of them with friends. I actually like men with a picture of their pets and children. Gym pics or bathroom pics, however buff they are put me off. Also if your house isn't nice then that can be off putting. But that's my taste. I have a friend who loves gym pics. So basically be yourself and make sure your pics and text reflects who you are and what you're looking for.

Hi - I don't know why you aren't having any luck but I'll offer my (somewhat limited) OLD experience.
I only used Match and from signing up, was inundated with 'likes' and messages. I don't mean this in a big headed way as I'm sure most people experience the same when signing up. My filters were one/two word messages ("hi/"hi sexy", etc), sexual messages, men who couldn't string a sentence together, men who clearly hadn't read a word of my profile and what I was interested in, men who fell outside of my specified requirements (age, height, etc) and as harsh as it sounds, men who just didn't do it for me physically.

Yes, OLD does involve a lot of judgement on appearance but don't forget that everyone finds different things attractive. I'm sure for as many messages I received, as many men at least swiped straight past, based on my appearance and that's fine.

I hope you have more luck soon, you sound like a good guy :-)

I meant to add that I went on dates with 3 men - number one was nice but ended after 2 dates, number 2 was not at all what I thought he would be and number 3 is still going strong 6 weeks later. So much so that I have suspended my OL profile and booked tickets together for a festival next summer!

I wonder why you would have more in common with women who are 6 years younger than you and one year older than you.

I wonder if you have revealed a bit more about your attitudes towards women than you intended. You say you want a "girl next door" and you're put off by women who wear dresses and heels, which to me implies that you have some sort of "nice girls don't do that" thing going on. I've found that, for some men, girl-next-door is some sort of code for meek and submissive, and that they don't like it when women dress in a way that might attract attention from other men. It's all a bit controlling, and the fact that they also want younger women who might look up to them in their wisdom often goes hand-in-hand with this. I do hope this isn't the case for you, OP.

Regarding the cycling and going out pictures. While it’s good to have shared interests, it’s not the be all and end all.

DH is very hobby driven, he plays in a band, goes to the gym, teaches Kung Fu, that sort of thing. I don’t really do hobbies, other than telly, reading and fucking about on the Internet. But when we met (rl not OLD) we hit it off immediately because we both have the same surreal sense of humour and like the same kinds of films. We do not share the same musical tastes though, other than a few crossovers.

We’ve been together for twelve years.

My point is, don’t discount people based on a brief assessment of their hobbies and interests. You could be missing a gem (or several). My sister is OLD and she goes on roughly two dates a week, and has had a couple of short lived ‘relationships’ of a few months. She’s loving it, and having fun. That’s what’s important, and maybe The One will happen or maybe it won’t.

But if you’re not dating anyone you’re not even in the game. Get out there!

What is your profile text?

Male friend of mine struggles dating. He’s good looking, fit, late 30s, pretty much eternally single. Maybe a bit of a interests wise but lovely guy, genuinely not an arsehole.

He struggles because he’s interested in women early to mid 20s. And women that age aren’t interested in blokes in their late 30s. I know there’s always an exception but on average they’re not. He won’t consider women his own age because he thinks they’re too old!

Unless you are very good looking or rich or both you are unlikely to attract anyone under the age of thirty.

Your age strikes me as being the biggest problem you have (in the nicest possible way) As most people have settled down and will have young families by now, but you are possibly too young to hit the 'second time around' divorcee group and maybe getting too old to find someone young, free and single with no children etc.

I would take out your filters especially the age one, and stop judging on looks (dressed up or not) and start by accepting more dates, even just for experience. Until you meet in person it is impossible to know whether she will be right. I would also hit the pubs and bars on Friday evenings when all the professionals finish for the day and go out for a drink.

Have you also considered meeting someone at work? This is the most likely place.

The long relationship and its breakdown cost you a lot at a peak time of your life, but that shouldn't put you off meeting someone older.

You've had a lot of very excellent advice here Dan89. What are you doing to implement it?

Guys I know using OLD swipe right on everyone, yes everyone. They then engage in convos with those women who like them back. It maximises the potential success while limiting wasted time.

So, increase your parameters, open your mind a little, be positive and casual, get right swiping and go on lots of dates. Have fun and see what comes of it.

I've helped you before (as have others) and I want to see a positive outcome for you. Don't sabotage yourself!

You do sound a bit serious tbh. Maybe lighten up the messages a bit?

And it would help if you post your profile.

My advice would be to stop ruling out ladies on the strength of their profile picture! Maybe you are coming across as too keen for 'The One' and focussing too much on the perfect match to start with rather than getting to know someone properly.

My OH and I met on POF and, going by our profiles, shouldn't get on at all. But we do. Very well!! I have a friend who met his partner on POF - he is quiet and introspective, she is an extrovert, loud, brash, party girl - neither was looking for the type of person the other actually is. They are getting married in 6 months time!

It can be just a numbers game. Give more people a chance. Agree with pp to go on dates just for the experience. I wouldn’t say that to the average person but in your case I think you should open your parameters especially as you haven’t had much luck with your age restrictions and rejecting women in a dress.

I would stop judging profile pics so much! Two of my pics are of me dressed up out with friends - not because I go out a lot, just because they are nice pics of me.

Maybe try a little experiment.

I don't know how old works but I guess you put in age and geographical boundaries then profiles come up? Why don't you message the first five on the list? Don't look at pictures or read profiles, see how that goes? Treat it not as dating, just meeting random people for coffee, it could be really interesting even without any romance.

Thanks for the answers all, I do appreciate it. I fear some of what I've said has been misjudged, some of it horribly.

On the height thing, I'm 5'10". 6 foot in kitten heels.

I don't think I base who I message based on looks any more so than anyone else. I base my right swipes / messages based on the profile before me and whether I feel we would be a good match. I swipe right to more than I swipe left. As much as women might complain about men who take gym selfies, topless selfies, bed selfies, etc... I'm not drawn in by ladies who have nothing but close-up selfies where they aren't even smiling and nothing written on their bio. Otherwise I really would be swiping right on everyone. I don't swipe right on the cocktail dresses because it feels like a lifestyle I don't lead.

Regarding the age thing. I say 'ideally' I would find a girl between the ages of 28 and 35 because I consider this "my generation". I only turned 34 last week. It's based on the conversations and friendships I have made with women of those ages. I have female friends of 25 in relationships with guys of 30. I expanded my age demographic to 24-39 only to see if that would result in some matches. The ultimate test in my mind is what would my mum think when I bring the girl home to meet her. I imagine she would raise her eyebrow at a 22 year old just out of uni as much as she would a 39 year old who might have kids.

Ultimately, though, none of this matters without the responses. I could set my age parameters from 18-99 but unless I am getting some mutual interest then it wouldn't matter any more if I made it 30-40.

GraceMarks - I appreciate that you took the time to reply, but yikes...

I'd slightly agree though about the not judging the dress-and-heels photos. Almost all good photos of me are at weddings or press nights. 99% of the time I look a right state.

I'm now in a relationship but the men who like me in real life are generally attracted to me when I'm at work and looking a right state! But you can hardly put those photos on OLD

Obviously if they're all fake tan and caterpillar brows and pages and pages of nights out photos that implies a certain lifestyle but if it's just a few 'wedding guest' shots and the odd evening party, she's just posted the photos of her looking the nicest she looks. If the biog and interests look promising then don't assume.

Also - I think if you're in your late 20s as a woman you probably want someone also in their late 20s. I've got a mate who refuses to date women our age (37) and he has NO luck - because he looks and acts like he's 37 and surprisingly the 25 year olds aren't interested!

Well, I did say that I hoped that wasn't the case for you, and if you say it isn't, then good! I have also posted lots of other advice, as have other pp, which I am not sure you are really taking seriously.

For example, lots of people have advised you to try to look beyond what women are wearing in their profiles and explained why they would use such pictures, and you are still saying that you don't think women in cocktail dresses would have the same lifestyle as you? I mean, I basically live in trousers but I wouldn't use a picture of myself in my joggers with no bra on if I was trying to convince men I was a good relationship prospect. I just don't understand what sort of "lifestyle" you think nice dresses indicate and why it would be such a deal breaker.

As for the rest - people are only commenting on what you've said yourself, and you did imply that you were rejecting women (again, not girls) on the basis of what they were wearing, and that you had odd ideas that you wouldn't have anything in common with anyone who was more than a year older than you.

It's up to you if you want to take any of the good advice you've been given. But you came here and asked us to help you understand why you can't get a girlfriend, and people have tried to offer possible explanations. Whatever you've been doing up until now hasn't been working, so it couldn't hurt to at least consider some of our suggestions.