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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want my partner to leave

83 replies

Alfredthegreat · 25/09/2018 22:52

We have been together 5 years.... the last 2 1/2 years have been hard. Really hard. But the last few months its been rediculous. We argue alot. He literally does nothing round the house. Absolutely nothing.... oh im lying he puts the toilet roll holders in the bin (yes he did use that in the latest argument today, not gonna lie i very sarcastically started clapping at him) i have been working part time but on monday i go back to full time hours, i want him to out more money into the household budget (hes self employed so some weeks he can earn as little as 80 pound, which thankfully isnt that often... and then others it can be between 300 and 400, these have been more regular) he doesnt understand why he shoukd put more money, at the minute he puts 100 a week in, keep in mind out of that i pay his car insurance, tax, phone bill and bupa dental. So doesnt equate to anything regarding other bills....why should i go back to work full time (my wage is very good, for part time hours i was on a full time wage, so i would of been mad to turn the full time roll down) but obviously once i get taxed and pay the childcare im not much better financially off. I dont understand how everything that goes into my bank has to.pay bills, feed us, pay for xmas and birthday presents for 3 kids that arent even mine (and before the step parent police jump on, i dont begrudge the kids, i begrudge that he doesnt even offer anything for the presents i buy. I pay for everything. I even pay for his youngest to get her mom a card and present on mothers day, birthday and xmas, hes doesnt offer a penny) hes gets to blow 100 - 200 a week on whatever the hell he wants. Its took me 5 months to save 300 for a new cooker. He was supposed to take me out tonight for my birthday which i had to ask him to do hes never made a scrap of effort on my birthday, but because we fell out hes just sat in silence all evening... whatever hell complain hes hungry before i do.... im trying to explain if hes on a good week why on earth cant he put the extra in. His pathetic excuse was well if you were on your own youd have to do it anyway..... wtf. Yeah i would but i wouldnt be paying 2 car inaurance.tax.phonebills . For four kids to have a bloody christmas or fucking feed them! And then the cheeky bastard was going on about me doing full time (i did a full time last week) you came in you fell asleep you a miserable bitch because your tired. Is he for bloody real.... im not tired because ive been to work... im bloody fed up because i get up at 6.30 with the little one i think go to work for 8am... finish at 4.30 come home to a shit tip so i have to clean all that up cook dinner sort laundry bath and bed little one and then if we need anything i have to drive to our local shop to pick up necessities. All while he sits on the bloody phone or laptop or whatever. And im the miserable bitch..... can someone please tell me im not crazy and that hes a bloody self centred bloody lunatic....
Sorry for the rediculously long post this was only meant to be short asking how the get him to leave my house when everytime i tell him its mid argument and nothing ever happens. Also hes got no where to go at all. His mom is the unsupporting individual going (another rant another time) so he cant go there where should i send him.... i dont want to be too harsh he is the father of our son.(he has four kids in total only 1 with me) weve not had any intimacy at all in 4 months and less than 5 times this year.... so i feel like im paddling a sinking ship tbh. I really do not see what he brings to the table so to speak.

OP posts:
curlykaren · 25/09/2018 22:56

You can't see what he brings because he brings nothing!

PlinkPlink · 25/09/2018 22:56

Well I'm sure that felt better to get off your chest.

Reading through that, I'm failing to see wha he brings to the table as well. Have you had mug written across your forehead? Clearly you don't want this anymore so do the decent thing and LTB.

Do it for not only your sanity and pride but also for your son, who should not grow up thinking that is a normal relationship.

Sorry you're having to go through this shit though OP. You deserve better. Keep strong (you sound incredibly strong having put up with this shitbag for so long) Flowers

notapizzaeater · 25/09/2018 22:59

Are there any positives ? Ditch him

choli · 25/09/2018 23:01

Stop buying stuff for his kids, stop paying his insurance, tax, phone and BUPA.

He'll leave soon enough when there's nothing in it for him. Is the house rented or do you own/have a mortgage on it?

Singlenotsingle · 25/09/2018 23:04

For a start you should tell him to pay his own car tax, insurance and bupa., and cancel the direct debits. You say you want him to leave your house - is it "your" house or is it jointly owned? If it really is yours, and you aren't married, no reason why you shouldn't just chuck him out? Where does he go? He looks on Rightmove Rentals and finds something to rent. He can afford it!

glitterfarts · 25/09/2018 23:05

He's a total cocklodger. If you want a lot, I'd book him into a hotel near where his other 3 kids live for a week and tell him that he's on his own and not welcome back to your house.
Assuming it is your house, and you aren't married.

Bananalanacake · 25/09/2018 23:05

Why are you buying presents for his kids. Leave it up to him. If he forgets it's his fault not yours.

glitterfarts · 25/09/2018 23:06
  • earn not want!
SandyY2K · 25/09/2018 23:08

I dont understand how everything that goes into my bank has to.pay bills, feed us, pay for xmas and birthday presents for 3 kids that arent even mine

He's not much use and I wouldn't be paying for his kids like this. He's a lazy git.

I really do not see what he brings to the table so to speak.

He brings sweet f**k all... as they say here in the UK... meaning nothing.
I'm presuming from mom you're not British.

subspace · 25/09/2018 23:14

Stop paying for his shit.
Literally, tomorrow, give notice to cancel what you can and tell him he's got a week or whatever it is to set it up for himself. NO excuses, no threats no whingeing, just get it done. Tell him he will be buying his kids presents himself, and you get them something small clearly labelled from you personally, if you wish. Whose house are you in now? Earning 2-300 per week is more than enough to rent a room in a shared house or a small flat, or take yourself and your son off and rent or buy for yourselves nearby. Stop enabling him.

Alfredthegreat · 25/09/2018 23:17

Yes its my house... hes a rent free lodger..... it wasnt always like this but a few things happened and the direct debits slowly went into my name and gradually he started doing less and less then it turned into this.... and the past couple of months ive just sat back and though what a idiot why on earth have i put up with it for so long.... as for the gifts. I just see things and think of the kids so i get them ( im a bargain hunter so if its cheap and a good gift its coming home with me) its all very hard and i do want him gone but how on earth do you sit down and rationally tell someone to get out your house when youve got so much anger built up it turns into some word vomit argument a bit like first post that i probably sound like a raving loontic myself.

OP posts:
Alfredthegreat · 25/09/2018 23:19

Oh and the mom thing im british but for some reason ive always done mom, even my mom and sisters tell me its wrong but ive always done it lol

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2018 23:25

Please kick him out. It sounds exhausting.

Your life will be 100% better without him in it.

subspace · 25/09/2018 23:39

You're allowed to be angry. Your boundaries have been breached.

Write him a letter if you think will help you articulate yourself calmly.

Doingreat · 26/09/2018 00:04

Can you pack up his crap and tell him he needs to leave tomorrow? He won't take you seriously until you do that

Whose kids are the dc? How many? Do you have dc together?

Winterskynight · 26/09/2018 00:17

Tell him to leave

Cawfee · 26/09/2018 03:11

Wtf? You are not being unreasonable. He is a cheeky, user. Get rid. Get your house back. Tell him you are cancelling all of the direct debits and you want him out. Tough where he goes. He can book into a hotel with all that extra cash he’s got until he figures it out. Unbelievable. He really is taking you for a ride. Get your life, sanity and finances back. Don’t take this. He’s using and abusing you

Alfredthegreat · 26/09/2018 03:15

Well for the past four hours weve talked lime rational adults weve argued talked some more aegued again been round in circles a couple of times..... ton of excuses. I look for the faults (how i dont know when theyre there) i dwell on things ( well yeah i do but they mever get resolved hence why i dwell) i dont ask for any extra help (why should i) i need to write him a list of what to do or ask nicely (i do ask nice but how many times am i meant to ask before i lose my temper) reckons hes going to start making the effort and he appreciates where im coming from.... ive said hes got 2 weeks to change things or hes out...
He has 4 children... 3 with his ex. One together. I know in my head i should just get rid as things atans but i think if i give him two weeks and things dont improve ill kmow in my heart i tried my hardest for my son. If he can turn things around because he knows this is his last chance ill know i did the right thing. All in all hes not a bad dad or person but jeez hes annoying. If i havent got through this time i know i never will so then ill throw the towel in. We shall see. Just hope im making the right decision to give it all one last chance.

OP posts:
Alfredthegreat · 26/09/2018 03:16

Stand not atans stupid phone

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 26/09/2018 03:30

Bollocks to the last chance - his freeloading will never change. Dump him. Kick him out ASAP.

Khaleesi78 · 26/09/2018 03:40

There's absolutely no way I'd give him another chance - get rid ASAP!!!

Nightwatch999 · 26/09/2018 03:40

OP just do not give him any more time, 2 more weeks for him to make up more excuses?

You are arguing with someone who can never see their faults or ever be wrong.

Just end it now, you know 2 weeks time he will just slip straight back into his old ways. Enough is enough!

AltheaorDonna · 26/09/2018 03:48

He's a lazy sponger, you will be much better off without him.

Cawfee · 26/09/2018 05:17

2 weeks is fine but what’s happening about money? Is he handing over a fair share immediately? If not, I’d suggest you seek urgent counselling because you’re avoiding making him pay his fair share. He should really be back paying you too for all of his bills. He’s been spending out while you’ve been covering his bills. You know that’s not right. As a starting point, make him write you a cheque for what he owes you. If he won’t do that then don’t even give him the 2 weeks. He’s really financially abusing you and I really suggest you seek outside help (women’s aid or a counsellor) to help you work through all of this. His defensive comments when tackled on all of this show a woeful ignorance and avoidance on his part. Don’t be minimised.

GaraMedouar · 26/09/2018 05:33

I had exactly the same near enough. My ExP was self employed and promised to pay me £100 a week (for rent, bills, food etc), he usually didn't always some excuse. Also was lazy round the house. I had his2 kids from his marriage at mine every weekend for years to, and I paid for them! He was a 'nice guy, big friendly teddy bear' . But eventually I lost respect, asked him he had to contribute and get a paid job (just to pay me£100 a week) but he said no, shrugged and left!that was2 years ago. Total user, goes from one person to leech off to the next. No child maintenance for our DC either. I would say your OH it's never going to change. A leopard won't change his spots.

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